Tim Arrigo coaches a husband who feels he must constantly earn his wife's love. The pattern stems from never experiencing unconditional love, leading him to over-compensate, mind-read, and lose authenticity. Arrigo says true change starts with self-love and reconnecting with inherent worth, not external validation.
Was on a live call last night with all the clients, and a client tells me, says, Tim, you know, I, I know there's still love in my marriage, but you know, it's like I don't experience it. I don't feel loved. I feel like love is something I have to work for, something I have to prove that I deserve, and something that I have to earn. And I said, that's because your marriage is based on performance-based love. And let me ask you this, brother, what does that sound familiar to in terms of the relationships prior in your life? And then he tied that back to previous relationships that he was in where there was an absence of unconditional love, and all he felt like there was was he had to work for it, he had to earn it, he had to prove he deserved it. And so his love was constantly going out of his way, acts of service, going above and beyond, inevitably just to have that backfire on him. So he always felt like he wasn't enough, and always his entire life sought validation. And he ended up in relational dynamics where all he did was overcompensate for feeling like he wasn't enough. And then here he is, he's in a marriage and he's trying to prove that he's lovable. He's trying to go above and beyond, which causes him to what? Walk on eggshells. Now he's walking on eggshells and he's living moment by moment. And every little decision that he's making, he's making it based on how he anticipates his wife is going to react or respond to it. So now his entire existence is living in his wife's head. So he's mind reading, he's fortune telling, right? He's jumping to conclusions. He's just in— he's in the external. He lost his power. He lost his edge. He becomes passive. He's not authentic. He's not honest. He's not transparent. He doesn't open up. And then invariably, it puts him in a situation where he just feels a lack of confidence. He feels emasculated. He feels less than. He feels like he's trapped in an experience and confused about whether or not it's even possible for him to feel power again. And I told him, bro, you deserve unconditional love, but that unconditional love has to start somewhere first. And you know where it starts? In here. Unconditional love for yourself. A real healthy mature love that you have for yourself that's derived from within. You have to invest in yourself to tell yourself that you love yourself. Self-love is synonymous with self-investment. You can't say you love yourself unless you truly are investing, taking action towards becoming a better version of you. Think about all the things in your life that you've put off, that you procrastinated, you've kicked the can down the road. Right? You look around at your life and it's like, man, what have I done for me? My whole life I've been doing everything for everybody else, but what have I done for me? Where have I— it's like I'm in this situation now where I built a business, I've done these things, I've done a lot of great things, but inevitably I really did it for other people. And I just want to feel— I want other people to be happy when I come home. I don't want to dread coming home. I don't want to be in scoreboard mode with my wife. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be in this situation. Well, you have to find unconditional love somewhere, and you not need to stop seeking it in the external. Stop seeking validation from your wife. Stop seeking validation from the world. And find the love, right? Find the love for yourself. You're trying to fill a void within you with everything other than the love that God has for you and the love that you should have for yourself.
