Tim Arrigo breaks down the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Each one kills intimacy in relationships. He gives a specific antidote for each, like using I-statements instead of blame, taking responsibility without excuses, and pausing to regulate your emotions when you want to shut down.
If you're looking to resolve conflict in your relationship, if you're constantly getting into arguments with your spouse, then this video is for you. So a lot of times we engage in behaviors that we don't recognize are dysfunctional. I want to share 4 of them and I want to share the solution to those 4 behaviors. There are behaviors called the Four Horsemen. Okay? And these behaviors are behaviors that escalate conflict in your relationship and damage your relationship. Okay? These behaviors sometimes become a normal part of the way you communicate in your relationship. And we need to work to stop these behaviors by knowing what to replace them with. So we call those the antidotes to the Four Horsemen. Okay? And these are skills that replace the Four Horsemen and help you resolve conflict and encourage positive feelings between you and your partner. Okay? Number 1 is criticism. Okay? So this is when you deal with problems through a harsh or blaming or hurtful expression of judgment or disapproval. When you focus on someone's flaws rather than the behaviors that need to change. Okay, saying things like, "The kitchen's a mess, you're such a slob." Okay, the antidote to criticism is simply a gentle startup. It's knowing how to start a conversation. That's the key. That's the key with dealing with problems in your relationship in a gentle, calm, confident, and composed fashion. Okay, save the discussion for the right time. Use warm body language and Your tone of voice, make sure it's neutral and make sure that you're using I statements. Okay? Don't say, you make me feel this way when this happens, you do this. Stay away from that. Stay with I statements. Okay? I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could we please do dishes tonight? Okay. Number 2 is defensiveness. This is deflecting responsibility for your own mistakes and behaviors or refusing to accept constructive criticism or feedback. And you make excuses for your behavior and you shift your blame to your partner instead. So the example here is, it isn't my fault I yelled, you were late. Okay. So that is an example of obviously being defensive. Okay. So we have to learn to take responsibility. Okay. And we have to learn to own our behavior without blaming anyone and avoid taking feedback so personally. Okay. Use feedback take it back as an opportunity to improve yourself and show remorse and apologize for your part. Okay, for example, I shouldn't have raised my voice. I apologize. Learn to apologize without an excuse. Number 3: contempt. So this is showing anger, disgust, or hostility toward your partner and using put-downs or insults, acting superior to your partner and using a mocking or sarcastic tone instead of just sharing fondness and admiration. Okay? So here we need to obviously share fondness, admiration, foster a healthy relationship by regularly showing each other respect and appreciation. Learn to show affection and recognize your partner's strengths and give compliments. And number 4 is stonewalling. So this is when you emotionally withdraw, you shut down, you give someone the silent treatment. Okay? This is all— this often happens when you become overwhelmed and you use this to avoid difficult discussions or problems, so the underlying problem never actually gets resolved. Instead, here, use emotion regulation techniques. Stay calm, okay? Stay present with your partner. Agree to pause the conversation if it's getting heated, okay? Use some deep breaths. Try to relax, okay, before engaging in a conversation with your partner.
