Tim Arrigo tells a man whose wife blames him for everything that he might be triggering her worst traits. The real issue isn't labels like narcissist, it's safety. A man who takes responsibility and leads can create the environment where his partner stops attacking him.
A gentleman just reached out to me and he said, Tim, my wife makes me the scapegoat for all of her dysfunctional behavior. And I asked him, I said, hey brother, let me ask you a question. Do you think your wife's making you the scapegoat? Or do you think that it's a possibility that your wife is trying to point out how what you're doing is bringing out the worst in her? How what you're doing is causing her to descend into a version of herself that even she's not happy with?
Do you think that your wife is happy? What do you think, that your wife gets some sick sense of control and joy out of the suffering and the conflict and the dysfunction and the toxicity of your dynamic? Is that what you believe nowadays with all these labels everybody wants to give everybody? Everybody's a narcissist. They want to self-diagnose and put a label on somebody. They're wounded. And when people are wounded, they act like they're wounded. They try to protect themselves, guard themselves, and they engage in survival mechanisms as a way to stay safe. We heal in relationships, and we're also damaged in relationships. But you know the difference between a healing relationship and a damaged relationship? A healing relationship and a damaging relationship? The only difference is safety. That's the only difference. That I can create an environment that's safe for the other person. That I can create an environment that allows her to come out of her shell. I can bring out the best in her. I can lead. I can lead. On that mission, on that course, to be that person in her life that I was called to be. The day that I put that ring around her finger, I put that ring on her finger, was the day. That was the day.
Till death do us part. I'll be the man.
I'll take the lead. I'll find the solution. I'll pioneer the path. I'll be forged in the fire because I'm not scared to walk through that. I'm not going to blame you. I'm not going to say that you're this— you're making me the scapegoat. I'm not going to use cliché statements like, oh, it takes two to tango, goes both ways. All you guys in the comments, that's the weakest, oldest excuse in the book. Real leaders pioneer. How do you think you built the business? You pioneered a path, brother. This is about you pioneering. This is about you reading between the lines. This is about you redeeming your dignity and experiencing your true power, reestablishing your self-worth. This is about you doing an inventory on you and connecting the dots between past trauma and beliefs and behaviors that are no longer serving you. If you want to sit back and you want to label your wife, if you want to judge your wife for the fact that she's walled off, she's shelled up, and she's trying to protect herself, then go ahead.
Go ahead. But here's the sad part. It's never gonna solve your problem.
