She Was Done… And He Didn’t Even Know It Yet

So recognize that this is a part of you, but just don't come into agreement with this part of you. So just recognize, hey, there's a part of me that feels like he's not enough. That's normal. I'm not going to fight with that part of me. I'm just not going to give it as much attention, as much power than it really deserves. I'm not going to put all my energy, all my attention, all my focus on fighting this part of me to make it go away, because it's a part of what's called your shadow. Yeah, right. So it's a part of your shadow self. So don't, don't fight with it. Don't wrestle with it. Don't do any of that because what in essence you're actually doing is you're telling that part of you that you don't want to listen to it and you're telling it to just go away. Greg, welcome to the show, brother. How you doing, man?

I'm doing great. Thank you for having me.

Awesome, man. So tell me, what do you got for me?

What do I got for you? What is my struggle? My struggle, I feel, is the need for validation from women. Kind of have pinpointed when it started, you know, trying to resolve it, if that's the correct way of handling it, or just— yeah, that's where I'm at, Tim.

Okay, good. Yeah, well, you said you found, you found what you believe to be the root of it, and what was that?

Well, the root or the start, um, I mean, the root, uh, I believe is soon after my dad left, um, you know, my mom was my caretaker, and then she had to go to work and, and, uh, just going to school. And, uh, you know, I lost that. So in the 6th grade, I was on my own. Not, you know, I had to get myself to the bus stop and, you know, do a lot of stuff on my own. And I remember going to, I think was, uh actually, it was 5th grade, go to camp, outdoor camp, and they had these awards for like haiku poems and different things. And I just, I remember writing these haiku poems and just write. That's all I did for like 4 days was write haiku poems just to get the accolades or the validation from the different teachers. And I had that epiphany in, I think it was about April of this year, you know, sitting in my truck and/or my car and starting to realize that moment of needing. And that all through the years I've always had a girlfriend, you know, middle school, high school. I always needed a girl in my life to, you know, to the detriment of my friendship. Even now, right, I'm going through divorce but wanting a girlfriend and seeking girls and women and just the, the constant need.

Yeah, so the, the need for validation is going to be connected to your self-worth, right? That's primarily what it's always connected to, right? It's connected to how we attempt to garner self-worth from the external environment. So you're saying that you understand that the origin of your low self-worth or seeking validation externally started when your dad was no longer a part of your life and your mom was the primary caretaker, but you were pretty much like a latchkey kid and your needs weren't met. So you were to some degree emotionally neglected. That stunted your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-confidence. And you noticed the early validation seeking when you went to camp with the haiku poems and, um, how they would give awards based on the poems. And you found yourself kind of becoming an overachiever as a way to get Validation or recognition.

Pretty good summary. Yeah.

Okay, let me ask you this. When you say I'm trying to get past it, or I'm trying to get over it, or I'm trying to process it, what, what do you mean by that? What, what, what is your interpretation of what that looks like? Like, what kind of expectation do you have? Like, what is the end outcome that you're trying to achieve?

The outcome is understanding why, understanding that it's Is it okay? Is it normal? And how to be okay if— how to be okay on my own, how to be okay with just Greg not needing validation. So when you—

but when you refer to like healing or getting through it or overcoming it, what do you believe that that's supposed to look like? What do you believe the, the end result is supposed to look like? Is it a life where you just don't need anybody and you, you don't ever seek validation from anybody? Is it a life where these things don't ever affect you and you never think or feel negatively about yourself again. What, what is, what are you trying to achieve?

Honestly, I don't know. Just a healthy mindset in regards to how I treat myself and that and how I meet others. So I guess I need help with knowing what that is.

Yeah. Do you know your attachment style?

Anxious avoidant.

So yeah, you're probably disorganized. Yeah. Combination. You're probably combination style. So you have the anxious tendencies and the avoidant tendencies, right? Because if you're if you're the type of person that seeks validation, you definitely don't have a dismissive avoidant, uh, attachment style. You're going to have either a combination, which is an anxious avoidant, or you're going to have a disor— uh, or you're going to have an anxious, um, okay, just avoidant. Yeah, you're a combination style. So you have the avoidance and the anxiousness. Okay, so, okay, let's start with number 1, okay, which is this is a part of you Okay? So what you need to stop doing is fighting with it. You need to stop wrestling with it.

Okay?

It's like, and I give this analogy of a beach ball, right? Imagine you're in the water with a beach ball, right? And the beach ball is representative of this part of you that doesn't feel like he's worthy or valuable unless other people provide him validation, recognition, accolades, and attaboy. Right? So there's this part of you that seeks validation. Okay? There's this part of you that doesn't feel like he's enough. Stop fighting with that part of you. Just recognize it as a part of you. It's called parts work.

Okay?

Right? It's what's called, it's part of what's called internal family systems. It's parts work. So this is a part of you. It's just a piece of who you are, and it's more relevant to your past than it is relevant to your present day or free or your future. So the first part is it's like if you try to submerge this beach ball underneath the water, it's just going to pop right back up to the surface. And every time that you wrestle with it, you expend more energy and it just pops right back up to the surface. So recognize that this is a part of you, but just don't come into agreement with this part of you. So just recognize, hey, there's a part of me that feels like he's not enough. That's normal. I'm not going to fight with that part of me. I'm just not going to give it as much attention. As much power than it really deserves. I'm not gonna put all my energy, all my attention, all my focus on fighting this part of me to make it go away because it's a part of what's called your shadow.

Yeah.

Right? So it's a part of your shadow self. So don't, don't fight with it. Don't wrestle with it. Don't, don't, don't do any of that because what in essence you're actually doing is you're telling that part of you that you don't wanna listen to it and you're telling it to just go away. Okay, I'll admit that you're there if you just go away forever and never come back. Right? And that's a lot of times our, our belief in what healing looks like, right? That basically I have these beliefs that are just gonna go away permanently and they're never gonna come back. And the healed, quote unquote, optimized, self-actualized, self-realized version, version of me is a version of me that never thinks these thoughts again. Not true, man. Not true. This is just a part of you. It's a part of you that you have to learn to live with. You have to learn to deal with, and you have to learn how to manage. First part is understanding that it's there. So you already got a victory there. The second part is to stop wrestling with it, stop feeding it, stop giving it so much attention, and just recognize that it's kind of your cross to bear through this life. It's something that you're going to have to struggle with and you're going to have to manage. And the more that you manage it, the easier it becomes in overcoming it. But don't try to make it just go away forever because in essence you're kind of judging it and instead of inviting it in and learning how to integrate it into your life and work with it. So eliminate self-criticism in your dealing with it and stop wrestling with it and fighting with it because it's a part of who you are. It's not the entirety of who you are. It's just a part of who you are. So when it shows up, there's that part of you, right? As that part of you shows up, You just recognize it. You go, hey, there it is again. But I don't come into agreement with that. I know where that comes from. I know what part of that that is. I know where it derives from. And that's a self-narrative and a belief system that is from my past. It doesn't contribute to what I do today or how I'm gonna live my life in the future. That's number 1. So that's the first step. Okay. Does that make sense?

Got it. Yes.

Okay. So basically what I'm saying is developing a compassionate relationship with yourself, right? That's based on awareness, compassion, integration, right? And the ability for you to just invite that part of you in. Don't wrestle or fight with it like the beach ball. Just let it float. Hey, there it is over by the pier. Hey, there it is over on the shoreline. Hey, you know, just don't come into agreement with it and don't fight with it. Okay? Number 1. Number 2. What are you doing to validate yourself? Because a lot of times we seek external validation when we're not validating ourselves, and we have the opportunity to validate ourselves all day long through the way that we behave and act and treat ourselves and others. So validation for yourself can be living in alignment with your core values and doing the things that you believe you need to be doing to create a clear conscience, to live in alignment with the will of God in your life. Right? And to act and behave in ways that are congruent with your values that are your core values and your core beliefs, right? What you want to believe and what is right. So it's, it's not doing what feels right, but doing what I know is right. So when it comes to living in alignment, what are the things that you can do today that you can start today that you can start doing that are gonna make you think and feel better about yourself? So instead of trying to think and feel better about yourself in order to do what you want to do, instead, don't try to think and feel your way into better behavior. Behave your way into better thoughts and better feelings. So let's strike while the iron's hot. Let's go right for the behavior. So what are the things that you can do today that will make you think and feel better about you?

Procrastination is one of my pitfalls, so Planning and implementing the plan, whether it's tasks around the house, financial goals, self-improvement, body improvements. I feel I've done that pretty well. I lost 140 pounds over the last— 120 pounds over the last year. So, health and fitness definitely has helped my self-worth. But yeah, procrastination and setting goals and habits and sticking to them?

Yeah. Procrastination is a, it's actually, it's a coping mechanism, right? It's, it's an avoidant behavior. So you have 3 types of behaviors. You have approaching, you have attacking, and then you have avoiding, right?

Mm-hmm.

So procrastination is avoidance, right? Procrastination is an inability to self-regulate. I can't handle what I'm about to face. I can't handle the way it makes me feel. So what I'll do is I'll avoid the way it makes— it's really, it's a failure to self-regulate. It's a failure to regulate our own emotions. And as a result of not being able to regulate ourselves, we just avoid the action we need to take and we push it off for a later date. So procrastination is something you learned.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, it definitely wasn't taught as a child. Yeah, something I learned or just, yeah, learned it, acquired it as over time.

Yeah, it allows you to not have to face the discomfort that you're facing in the moment. So you have, and then you have behaviors like attacking behaviors and then approaching, which is where you want to be. You want to be in a state where you're constantly approaching challenges in your life. You're approaching, right? That's how really in reality, if you think about our growth, right, we're always in pro— we're always in process. We're always going to be in process, right? That's a part of— that's a part of, like, personal development becoming a core pillar of your life as a man. That comes with the understanding that I've never arrived, right? I'm always a work in progress. And improving just means building on who I already am, right? Building on what I know, building on what I've learned, building on the relationships I've had, right? It's that I'm constantly in process, that I'm not in this black and white state of, like, I'm either here or I'm there. I'm either a failure or I'm a winner. I'm either a loser, right? Or I'm a champion. It's, it's finding the balance in all that.

Yeah, I hear that. I, I haven't heard the attacking or approaching or habits or what would, behaviors.

I have a really great call on procrastination that I'll send you. It's about 90 minutes where I kind of break down procrastination, what it is, how it starts, and how we overcome it. But that's something that you've learned.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's something that you've learned. So basically what I'm hearing from you is that your way to overcome procrastination is in essence the same skillset internally that you need to develop to avoid the external validation too. So basically it's your ability to kind of crucify your flesh. It's your ability to control or tame, right? Your flesh and your desires.

Yeah.

Yeah, talk to me about that. Have you struggled with that before?

My desires?

I mean, yeah, your fleshly desires.

Yeah, lust, greed, envy. Yeah, I was, yeah, pretty envious of a lot of my co-workers and work— try to work hard and, um, you know, at least achieve, you get to a certain level.

And what else?

I'm thinking through that. So yeah. And then, but then when I didn't get it or when I got it, it wasn't, I didn't get the accolades that I felt or, or, you know, the pomp and circumstance for lack of a better term.

What else?

What's called, I desired.

Oh, the desire, the fleshly desire. So your flesh, your body, your urges, your compulsive behaviors. Those are the things. Have you ever struggled with those things?

Oh yeah. I mean, women. I mean, I'd never— I, I never cheated on my wife, but I definitely found other women attractive. Never acted on it, but had those impulses. Or, I mean, I guess I, I guess I might have acted— or not might have, I did, I did act on it in my private moments, we'll say, right?

Like watching pornography and things like that?

Oh yeah, no, that was, that was the The pitfall of my marriage was pornography, right?

So you fell into those behaviors probably because your need to feel connected to your wife, right? You didn't feel very connected to your wife, probably, right? Is that true?

No.

So you were not feeling very connected to her?

No, not as connected as, uh, either of us would have liked, right?

So in the disconnection, right, there was basically, you were vulnerable in that state to either assert yourself and express the fact that your needs were not being met in the relationship, you felt emotionally disconnected. But for you, that's a difficult thing for you to do because of the disorganized attachment style. So setting boundaries, communicating like that is something that's counterintuitive for you, because that's not how you've done relationships in the past, right? It's been primarily about, right, you becoming who you, who people wanted you to be, so they would give you what you needed, which is to feel connected, belong, feel secure in the relationship. So you kind of had, it was kind of like the solution to that problem in that moment was something that was completely counterintuitive to how you were normally used to living your life. So then you fell into a pit that many men fall into, which was the vices and the self-destructive behaviors, right?

Yeah.

So basically, in essence, what you can see is the need for validation, even in your marriage, and the need to establish and set boundaries made you really uncomfortable. So you procrastinated it. Basically what you did is you avoided it. You avoided it. As a result of avoiding it, you fell into the instant gratification, right, of the vices, the self-destructive tendencies. Then in essence, to this day, right, that part of you that feels like he's not enough. It's like every time when we engage in some something self-destructive, like the people that we, the person we hurt the worst is really ourselves.

Yeah.

You know, the way that it makes us think and feel about ourselves, that it creates so much cognitive dissonance because my actions don't line up with my values. So to me, brother, I think that if you really strip this down to its core, I think it comes down to you living in a way where you can think greater than you can feel. Where think greater than I can feel because feelings can't become a means of thinking. Yeah. Thinking greater than you're feeling. So it's like, I really, I really don't, a lot of people can feel positive and do positive things. A lot of people can feel negatively and do negative things. But very few people can feel negatively and do something positive, right? So I have resentment in my heart, but I still go and forgive this person. Or I'm feeling really scared and anxious, but I'm still going to go and set this boundary. Or I'm feeling really tired and fatigued, but I'm still going to hit the gym today. Or I'm feeling like an intense craving to pick up my phone and do something self-destructive, but I'm not. Instead, what I'm going to do is go for a walk and call a friend or pray. So it's the ability to really get in the mode for you where you live in alignment with the higher version of you, not based on feelings but based on thoughts. I think your main struggle is probably what you feel and probably wanting to give in to what feels good because it's, it's what you know. But what you— what doing what feels good has only left you in a position where you focus far too much on feeling good and not enough on being happy. Being happy is a state of mind. Feeling good is just dopamine. It's a feeling, right? Feeling good is, is It's dopamine. It's addictive, right? Feeling good is temporary. Feeling good usually happens when we're by ourselves, right? Eating, shopping, drinking, binging. Feeling good is always about dopamine. It's temporal, right? It's also visceral. It happens below the neck. Feeling good happens below the neck. Being happy is ethereal. It's above the neck. It's a state of mind. It's inner peace. It's a clear conscience. It's living in alignment with my values, right? Being happy is usually experienced with other people, right? Happiest times in our life usually were spent with somebody else. Also, being happy, it inspires giving. Feeling good inspires taking. It's about me. It's about consuming. Being, being happy is about giving. It's about abundance. It's about sharing. It's about gratitude. So to me, I think that if you focus less on feeling good and more on being happy by living in alignment with your core values every single day, and really stepping into— I really love that verse, right, where it says that we really have to commit our lives, our lives to Christ by laying down our lives, right? If we let go of our carnal nature and we learn to really crucify ourselves, and what I mean by that is our flesh, our— we have a, we have a flesh suit that has to be tamed every single day. I have one too. Right? And my flesh, right, hungers for things that are not healthy for me sometimes too. It's just about controlling that and not giving into the temptation, and about thinking— my thoughts, right, which should be aligned with God's truth— my thoughts are greater than my feelings, right? Because if I let my feelings guide and dictate my life, it's— they're not— feelings are not good leaders, right? Thoughts, on the other hand, are connected to your beliefs, your values, what you want, what you desire, and what you know is the right thing to do. So for me, brother, I mean, what I'm hearing from you, I think that it comes down to validating yourself. I think it comes down to understanding this is a part of yourself, not battling, not fighting with it. And then the third part is how all of that will eventually move you into a secure attachment style, because you'll have love and respect for yourself, because you'll have confidence from the fact that you're living in alignment with your core values, living as the man that you believe you need to be, right? Secondary to that, you're not going to be seeking validation as much, right? You're going to notice at times it'll creep in. That's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just a part of you, the part of you that comes and says, I'm not enough, right? I have to seek validation to be enough, or people have to like me to be enough. Let go of that. Also let go of the perfectionism. Talk more openly about your flaws. I noticed sometimes, even right now on this call, you kind of struggled to be open. It's normal, bro. Everything you're dealing with is totally normal. Don't be embarrassed about that. In fact, that's your testimony. That's the power. That's how you get connected to a lot of people in your life that get to see the real you. Don't be afraid to show that because you're not one-dimensional. You're not just a guy that struggles, just like you're not just a guy who's successful, right? You're multidimensional, man. We all have struggles. These just happen to be your specific struggles that you're dealing with. Don't hide those things. You don't have to hide those things. And anybody in your life that doesn't love you because of those things, probably shouldn't be in your life.

Yeah, you're right. No, perfectionism is, um, it was instilled, uh, with my mom. And, um, but also something I've— yeah, I can't do it right, I'm not gonna do it at all. And that's part of— and I think that also correlates with my— I don't know, you tell me, perfectionism and procrastination, do they kind of go hand in hand?

Of course. Of course. Because if it's not going to be done perfect, I'm not willing to accept any other version than perfection, which a lot of times is unattainable, which will cause me to just push it off, push it off. You need opportunities, right, to fail, fail forward, make mistakes, and realize that you're still amazing regardless. Greatness is in you because greatness made you right. And to know and understand that you've gotten— let me ask you this. Have you ever gotten victory in crucifying your flesh in that regard? Have you gotten victory in taming your urges, right, to do things that are self-destructive. Have you gotten victory there?

Oh yeah. Um, yeah, I haven't, haven't had any fast food or, you know, stopped at the gas station in the last, uh, year. Um, and I haven't watched porn. Sorry?

Yeah, you haven't watched porn in how long?

Uh, since, uh, July of '23.

July 2023. Yeah, that's over a year. So check it out, you've already got wins in this area, brother. Do you see this? That's what I would capitalize on. That's what I would focus on. That's what I would focus on, bro. 140 pounds down, you got 1 year of sobriety from the pornography. You're already killing it, dude. You're, you're already on your way. The only thing you need to do from here is develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself and continue to remember that you have the capacity and capability to fight those urges. Use the SURF technique. SURF technique is gonna be your best friend, right? Stimulus, urge, rise, fall. Using the SURF technique is gonna be huge for you. I also got a resource on procrastination I'm gonna send over to you. And thanks for coming on, man. I'm glad we were able to connect. This was a great call. I hope this was helpful for you.

Yeah. Oh, very helpful. I appreciate it. I've been looking forward to it. And I'm looking forward to the, uh, the Austin trip here in a couple weeks. I'll see you there.

Yeah, brother, can't wait, man. See you there, Greg. Thanks for coming on, bro.

Yeah, hey, I appreciate you. Love you, brother.

Love you too, bro. Take care.