A coach confronts a husband who blames his wife for his emotions, showing how this masks deeper fears about vulnerability and adequacy. Real change means owning your feelings instead of making her responsible for them.
You think you're taking responsibility, but you're actually the biggest victim in your own marriage, and you don't even realize it. See, most men would be offended if you call them a victim. Why? Because they see themselves as providers, protectors, leaders. They think victims are weak, whiny people who blame everyone else for their problems. But see, the truth is, if you've ever blamed your wife for how you feel or how you've acted, you're being a victim, a covert victim.
She made me angry. She triggered me. She knows exactly what to say to set me off. Well, I wouldn't have yelled if she hadn't brought up the past again.
Every single one of those statements is you being a victim. You're giving away your power and you're making someone else responsible for your internal experience. Nobody makes you feel. You make you feel. But see, you don't see it that way because you've disguised your victimhood as strength. You think you're just explaining cause and effect. You think you're being logical.
Of course I got upset. Look at what she did.
And I know, man, I know it's hard, but look what's actually happening. You're completely incapable of identifying and truly solving the internal problem. So you just externalize it. You make them external problems or you make them someone else's fault. Your wife says something that triggers your insecurity about not being enough. And instead of dealing with that insecurity, You externalize it.
She's just ungrateful. She doesn't appreciate how hard I work. She's always complaining about money.
Your wife asks you to be emotionally available, and instead of facing your fear of vulnerability, you externalize it.
She's just too needy. She's too emotional. She expects me to be her therapist or something.
You feel inadequate as a father. Instead of working on that and owning it, you externalize it.
She undermines my authority with the kids. She makes me look like I'm the bad guy. She's turning them against me.
Every time you make your wife responsible for how you feel, you're being a victim. Every time you justify your behavior because of what she did, you're being a victim. And here's the real irony. You trained your wife to be a victim too. The way she communicates with you now, the blame, the accusations, the bringing up old issues, that's exactly how you communicate with her. You can't be in a dysfunctional marriage and not be dysfunctional yourself. We create a system where both of us are victims, where we both externalize, where we both feel powerless to change anything. We're in a pattern. But the moment we take full responsibility for our internal experience, our emotions, our reactions, our choices, everything changes. See, when you stop making your wife responsible for how you feel, she stops making you responsible for how she feels. And if you're ready to stop this victimy pattern, and take real ownership of your internal world to break free from the externalization trap that's destroying your marriage and your sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence? Reach out to us about Beyond Driven's Total Breakthrough Academy because we'll help you reclaim power so you can transform your relationship from the inside out. Remember, don't be conformed to the world. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. This is the battleground. The real fight begins here.
