Tim's wife had a long-term affair, and he couldn't understand why. Because he couldn't imagine doing it himself, he blamed himself instead, ruminating endlessly on what he must have done wrong. The real problem: taking responsibility for someone else's choice to betray you.
So the real thing that you're struggling with— and here's the real struggle, you ready for it? Here it is.
Yes.
How is it possible, Tim, that I could try to be the best version of me, that I could do all the right things, that I could be the best husband that I can be, that I can do everything I thought I was supposed to do, that I could love somebody unconditionally, that I could be loyal, that I could be faithful, that I could be honest, Yeah, I had struggles, but I could try, and I, I did my best. How is it possible that somebody could take that and take me and absolutely decimate and destroy the very union that we created when we decided to get married? And here's the thing, it is so impossible for you to wrap your head around the fact that you were actually married to this person and to actually imagine what it would take for somebody to do that, and the level of self-deception and self-manipulation that they would have to undergo in order to justify the infidelity and the adultery until they inevitably— right, it became too much for them to deal with. We're not talking about like a one-night stand here. We're talking about your wife had an actual relationship with another person to the degree now where she wants to be with this person. It's so hard for you to imagine this Jekyll and Hyde that I was literally living with this person. A month ago and that this happened. My whole world has exploded. It is so hard for you to wrap your head around that, that the only thing that gives you any semblance of— that grounds you in reality for even one, one minute, because you're so out in the ether and in the universe and in the cosmos with this— the only thing that brings you back to reality for one second is that it must have been something that I did. Because if I can make sense of what I did then I can make sense of what happened. And if I could make sense of what happened, I can feel more in control. And I could— if I could feel more in control, I wouldn't be ruminating, I wouldn't be wondering, I wouldn't be guessing, I wouldn't be driven crazy by my inability to understand something that I can't understand. You know why it's hard for you to accept it and understand it, brother? Because it's something that you would never do.
Correct. Which is the first thing I said to her, man, when I found out, right? There were options, but I would never do that thing.
And because you would never do that, that means that— that means that you could never find a reason inside of yourself to justify why it would be okay for you to go sleep with another woman while you're married. And because you can't find a reason inside yourself to justify it You also struggle to find a reason inside your wife to justify it. Therefore, correct, you automatically assume that it must have been something that you did.
Your, your axe is very sharp, brother. You know, to like cut through all the crap that I've been in. And yeah, it's really hard, man, to like wrap my head around it, which I think that's the problem, you know?
Yeah, how could you do this? How is it possible that you could do this? How could you do this? And because I can't imagine how you could do this, The only conclusion I can come up with is that it must be because of me. And that feeling of it must be because of me isn't even because of the situation. It's absolutely connected to before the infidelity even happened.
