Tim Arrigo coaches George on learned helplessness and setting boundaries in his marriage. Seligman's dog experiments show how repeated shocks without escape create passivity. George has enabled his wife's behavior and allowed inappropriate outside interactions to continue unchecked.
You know what learned helplessness is, right?
You basically, you become complacent in what you're, uh, where you're at.
Basically did an experiment. Martin Seligman did an experiment with, with, with dogs where he would put dogs in a cage and they would, it would have an electric floor in the cage and he would shock the dogs and shock the dogs and then the dogs couldn't get out of the cage. So they would just lay down and just take the shock. And then he took those dogs out of that cage and they put them in this experiment, they put the dogs in another separate cage with a divider where the one half was an electric floor and the other wasn't. And he put other dogs that were not a part of the first experiment in that cage with the dogs who were part of the first experiment with the electric floor. And when they shocked the floor on the one side, the dogs who were not in the first experiment would just jump to the other side, to the safe side. But the dogs who were in the first experiment would just lay down and just take the shock because they learned helplessness. That's what you've done.
That's what I'm— I'm taking the shock.
You're taking the shock.
So, so, so if I set the boundary and she refuses—
no, no, no, you're, you're still not getting it, George. The boundary is not about her. It's not about whether or not she resists the boundary or doesn't respect. It's, it's about you following through on your boundaries. A boundary is not a boundary without an ultimatum. It's what are you willing to do for the future of your life and marriage if the boundaries and the standards, the ethics, the morals, the code that you have as a man is not being respected? I'm not gonna sit here and enable a dynamic with my wife that is clearly toxic and unhealthy. I'm not doing it. You have a sexless, disconnected, emotionless marriage that's been going on now, what my wife claims, for 32 years. I'm isolated in my home. There's no physical affection, there's no emotional connection. My wife is actively speaking to another man on a daily basis that she then hides under the guise of a business relationship, but yet the guy's wife is uncomfortable about it. And anybody's wife who was uncomfortable about it, anybody's normal reaction would be to that, oh yeah, you're right, I'm sorry, yeah, you're right, let's refrain from this and let's recalibrate this relationship. If the roles were reversed and you were talking to his wife and he messaged you and said, I want to be involved in these threads, this is becoming borderline inappropriate. If you truly had good boundaries, you would step back and say, hey, yeah, you know what, you're totally right, inappropriate, because I respect your marriage. That not only tells you that your wife doesn't respect your boundaries, she doesn't respect the other wife's boundaries, right? Yeah, so stop being an enabler.
