The Affair Wasn’t the Real Problem. This Was...

And sometimes you do have consistency, but just in the wrong things.

Oh yeah, I was consistently bad for a long time.

Well, you're not alone in that, man, and I'm proud of you for taking that step, man. You should be— honestly, you should be proud of yourself. Here's the reality: the fallout is just you being honest with yourself and finally being willing to have the guts to face what you've done and how it feels and be honest with yourself. It's kind of like the prerequisite to getting better is actually walking through what you're walking through right now.

Yeah, that's what a lot of guys have said. It's like, now's the time, now's the time, now's the time to move forward.

And right now, the future version of you is already thanking you for that. Trust me. All right, Matt, how you doing, brother? Welcome to the show.

Hey, thanks a lot, Tim. Uh, not doing too bad today, or this half of the day.

Good, glad to hear it. Tell me what you got going on.

Well, um, I have a lot, quite a bit of stuff going on, but, uh, to be 100% honest, I, um, revealed to my wife last night that I had, uh, stepped out of the marriage.

Yeah, how do you feel about telling her?

Nervous, honestly. Pretty nervous.

What are you nervous about?

Oh, just the unknown, the unknown part of life. We were already there before it, before that point. I just, uh, well, that you're gonna—

well, that you're gonna find out about. You'll find out what she wants to do about that. A lot better. I'll tell you this, a lot better than hiding it and, uh, being nervous about either A, her finding out, or being haunted and tormented by shame and guilt because you're not being honest.

That's exactly what I have written down. My first things that I have written down are guilt and shame. Yeah, you know, just carrying that guilt and that shame for— I mean, I've been doing stuff like that throughout my whole marriage, just totally disregarding anything that she had asked of me in aspects of that, but I never had stepped outside with another person.

Well, the guilt and shame are a good thing in this situation.

It propelled me to, uh, to get honest. You know, that was one of the first things that I was told when I came into this program, is that I have to get honest. And, uh, that's one thing that I've never been able to do with my life.

Complete and total transparency creates freedom. So the shame and guilt here is basically— I mean, if you never felt ashamed or guilty about it, you would never want to change. You would, there would be no motivation for you to modify your behavior if you didn't feel shame or guilt. So the shame and guilt's actually, it's a positive thing in this situation.

Correct. Yeah. Yes, it is. You know, and I've been dealing with guilt, dealing with guilt and shame, you know, pretty much my whole life, you know, just, uh, low self-worth and, you know, I kind of thought of something as the past couple days have gone by and it's just, uh, I think this affair was, uh, ultimate takedown of of my life, my marriage, to prove to other people how I actually felt about myself and bring them down with me. Take it all down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The self-sabotage.

Yeah, terrible. It's a horrible thing, man. I'm just— I'm tired of living that way, honestly. Just so tired of it.

Well, we always know, right, that a lot of guys and a lot of women, a lot of wives, don't realize that infidelity is never about— it's never about a sexual encounter. The infidelity is always about a lack of self-worth. Right? Because guys out of a marriage to try to extract some, some semblance of self-worth, right, through the affair. It's really about external validation than more than it is actually a sexual encounter of any kind. It's about the validation and that validation, that peace, that need for validation is always connected to impaired self-worth. Now, do you know why your self-worth was low?

Yeah, I know. I'm, I've figured that out over the past few months.

What'd you connect it to?

I mean, it starts from the beginning for me, starts at birth. I was, uh, sick when I was a baby, and I don't really think my mom was able to handle me. I mean, I was deathly sick, so, you know, there's no way to comfort me, no way to be the mom that she could have been. You know, if she was to console me, it wouldn't work. Um, I almost died. And then, uh, from then on, I don't think that she really had the tools to deal with a son that was, uh, rambunctious and, and wanted to be free and run around and just be a kid. It was hard to handle.

Excuse me, what's your attachment style, disorganized or anxious?

Oh, it's pretty anxious. I really don't know. Sometimes when you pull them up, I feel like I'm all three.

You gotta go take the— you gotta go take the quiz inside the program.

Oh yeah, I think I did early on. And I first— man, I have a— I've been praying a lot for my memory just to kind of get it back or get some— something to where things start to stick, you know. I smoked a lot of weed for a lot of time, and yeah, that'll clear up. We have been in a and I've been praying, praying for restoration.

I did too, for a lot of years and took 12 years for me to get to the place that I'm at to have the level of clarity I do in terms of my past and my memories. So that'll clear up, that'll clear up. Don't worry about that. It'll come back. The brain is an amazing organ in terms of its ability to regenerate itself. So yeah, it'll come back. Um, so your attachment style is probably disorganized, right? You do the push-pull, so you—

Yeah. Push-pull.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty disorganized.

Yeah, so you have the anxious and the avoidant tendencies.

Yes, I do. Definitely, definitely anxious and avoidant. Yes.

What is your stuck point with this affair? Well, telling her about the affair, like, where, where are you stuck with this? Why are you struggling with it? Yeah, I would say like, what can I help you with today beyond the fact that you were struggling with it, you finally told her, you eliminated the cognitive dissonance, you created clarity for yourself, you're kind of dealing with the fallout of the regret, the remorse, the anxiety, the shame, the guilt about what you did, but you're starting to walk onto a path, right? That's, that's a better path. It's a path of clarity and truth and trust. What can I do for you today, or what can we break through today to help you get to the next step?

I mean, today, as of this moment, I feel really good about what I've done and when and the direction I'm headed and, and getting involved in Beyond Driven. I want to be able to make sure that I, you know, I can talk a lot. And say that I know, but to be able to really— I just want— I'm— it's up to me, honestly, to put this, put this stuff into practice and have faith and not be afraid, not to deal with the fear of what could happen with my marriage, what could happen, you know, with, with my, my children. And, you know, I just, uh, there's a lot, a lot, a lot attached to it. I need to slow down and be a little bit less anxious in my life. I mean, my heart's been racing, racing like mad the past few days.

Well, you know something powerful? You got honest, man, and you're already on that path, you know. And what you're doing is you're clearing up your conscience. Authenticity really is integrity. And what you're doing is you're reestablishing your integrity. So you're developing and forming a life of integrity, which makes you authentic. And authenticity is when you can live your life and in total transparency, and you're not afraid, you have no secrets to hide. You're authentic, meaning the version of you that you present to the world is congruent with the version of you that you see inside of yourself. Once that unlocks, you get— integrity comes back. And when your integrity is in— is fully intact, you have a clear conscience. And that clear conscience, every day you're walking around with a space now inside of you that's not filled with shame or guilt or anxiety or anything. It's a— it's an open space that you can create from. It's an open space that when something does come in, you immediately resolve it. You don't procrastinate it. You don't put it off because you've established a sense of inner peace. So you're quicker to forgive, you're quicker to apologize, you're quicker to wanna work through stuff and process through it because you value that inner harmony that you have as opposed to the inner conflict, the dissonance, right? Where dissonance is the real killer. It's when our actions are not aligned with our beliefs, when our behaviors are not aligned with our beliefs, when our, when our beliefs and our values, which really is the bedrock of who we are as a man, our beliefs and values. When those things don't align with our actions and behaviors, if my beliefs and values don't align with my actions and behaviors, it's gonna create dissonance. And then I'm gonna either change my behavior or change what I believe. And a lot of times we don't wanna change our behavior because it's uncomfortable and it requires us to do something. So we have to change what we believe and we do that by lying to ourselves. Oh, it's not that big a deal. Or, oh, it's, you know, it's not that big of a problem. But the fact is, is I know that I'm lying. It's, it's self-deception and self-manipulation. So once we clear that up, Once you become authentic, once you have your integrity, the authenticity automatically leads to integrity. The integrity creates the authenticity that creates a clear conscience. The clear conscience then gives me inner peace. It ends my internal suffering, which the internal suffering is really the cognitive dissonance. And once that internal suffering is gone, man, I'm in alignment now. And now I'm in alignment and, and now I have faith because before I couldn't tell if quote unquote bad things that are happening in my life are happening for me, and they're designed for my character to build me, and the adversity designed to help me become a better man. And I can't tell what's of God and what's from the enemy. I can't tell the difference because if I'm out of alignment, then I am subject to spiritual attack. I'm subject to— and I'm subject to spiritual attack at any time. But when you're really out of alignment, when you're living a life of habitual sin, You're in the lion's den.

And yeah, I think about it right now, man. And it hurts when you think about this stuff. And I just think about, I just have not been very good to me my whole life, you know, at all. It's sad when I think about it. It makes me cry. Yeah, honestly, it does.

I can relate to that so much. And I'm telling you right now, it might not feel like it today, but the actions that you're taking and the steps that you are making, Matt. Right now is your— the future version of you is already thanking you for that. Trust me.

Yeah, it doesn't feel like it, and I'm sure you know that, but man, it just doesn't. It doesn't. You know, we want to go back to that spot of— yeah, where we've been. You know, it's this— the sick stuff is so, so comfortable.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

We're more scared of our light than we are of our darkness.

Yeah, because we can't hide.

Yeah. And then the responsibility of having to manage it and keep it up. And to not fall from that place because falling from 3 feet up is not as painful as falling from 25 feet up.

Yeah. 49 years on up.

Yeah, man. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And so when people say a fear of success, what that really is about is a fear of having to be responsible and maintain and have nowhere to hide and nothing to run to and no comfort zone and not be able to make excuses, not be able to be a victim, not be able to use anything as a justification or rationalization or scapegoat for me to self-sabotage, self-destruct, and then hurt other people in the process. So I don't have that luxury anymore. I don't have that anymore. Now it's about full, total radical accountability and responsibility for my life. It's about total and complete ownership. And that's a very powerful place to be. But in the very beginning, extremely uncomfortable. Think today and just honestly, brother, be proud of yourself today. Not for what you did in the past, but honestly be proud of how you're handling it now. Because you're acting in alignment with the man that you admire. You did the right thing, Matt. And regardless of how she responds, you did the right thing, man.

Well, she's way smarter than me, and she's— she already has taken steps previously, you know. She could sense me just trying to take everybody down, take it down. She, she stepped back a long time ago. She told me last night. Yeah, she's like, yeah, it probably doesn't hurt me as much as you think it does, because I just kept saying, I was sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She's like It probably doesn't hurt me as much as you think it does because I, I stepped back a long time ago because I needed to protect myself.

Yeah.

It's like, man, she's too smart. Yeah.

And then, and it's a blessing because you see that she was put in your life for a reason.

Yeah.

Even if you guys don't move forward from here, you know, and that's what a lot of guys struggle with. They think, oh, I just get rid of my wife and oh, if my marriage doesn't work out, then there's no point in working on it. It's like, how you still haven't figured it out, man. Because it's not a matter of if we repeat these things, it's a matter of when, and we will, because it's not a person. It's about patterns, cycles, programming, themes, conditioning. It's all the stuff that operates in my life without my permission, without my consent. So of course it's gonna show back up. So if I'm not with this woman, it's not like, oh, I just, there's nothing to work on. No, you're looking at the external, right? This is an inside-out process. So you did the right thing, brother. You did the right thing and you should rest in that. Rest in that, bro. And, uh, now is an opportunity for you to really restore your faith too.

Yeah, I need to stop being scared of, uh, you know, you talked about— I think one of the things that I've always struggled with is consistency because I'm just afraid to hold myself up to those, to that, you know, being consistent. It's easier to fall back, you know, and I've— that's something that I know that I'll struggle with my whole life, you know, as being and steady and consistent and From what I've seen from the men in this program, I'm pretty sure that if I do the work and reach out— reaching out to the guys in the program is something, it's something that is really amazing, you know, and I can develop some consistency and have some consistent positive consistent behaviors in my life, you know, be the man I want to be, be the man I've always wanted to be but never felt that it was worth it, worth it, you know.

Yeah, and today and what you did, you showed yourself that you are. You showed yourself that you are. And sometimes we do have consistency, but just in the wrong things.

Oh yeah, I was consistently bad for a long time.

Well, you're not alone in that, man. And I'm proud of you for taking that step, man. You should be— honestly, you should be proud of yourself. And even though you're dealing with the fallout and the— but here's the reality: the fallout is just you being honest with yourself and finally being willing to have the guts to face what you've done and, and, and how it feels and be honest with yourself. So Man, I mean, it's kind of like the prerequisite to getting better is actually walking through what you're walking through right now. Yeah.

That's what a lot of guys have said. It's like, now's the time. Now's the time. Now's the time to move forward. And, and, uh, you know, I talked, talked to my— oh, David. I talked to David and he's like, you know, when you're doing your feeling wheel journal, put the date of today on it instead of the day that, you know, your birthday. So you, you have a new birth. You know, I looked at it as that, you know, I take— that's how I took it, you know. It's like today is the day that I can be a new me because I really don't have— I don't have anything to be guilty and shameful about anymore, you know. Yeah, I can move on. It's, you know, as hard as I think it is to move on and get past, I know that this is a good opportunity for it and I need to take advantage of it.

It says— it says in the word that we need to focus our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. You know, and so focus your eyes on that, you know, not what you can see in the physical, but what's happening in the spiritual and how you're being realigned and what God is doing on the inside of you. You know what he's, how he's changing you on the inside. He's the innovator. He's the creator of the inside-out method. You know, God fixes us and heals us from the inside out. And there's two exercises I want to give you to, to work on. It's the first one is the Burn It Away letter. I think it's a perfect time for you to do the Burn It Away. And the second is the Letter of Atonement. So I want you to work on those over the next couple of weeks, along with the other work that you're doing inside the Academy. The Burn It Away, the Letter of Atonement. Get started on those. Reach back out to me. Send me a copy when you're done with them.

Okay.

And let's connect on those and share them with the guys. Share them with the Brotherhood. Talk to them about your Burn It Away and your Letter of Atonement. And, uh, don't rush through them. Take your time with them. Take your time. Okay. And you could start on those right away, especially Burn It Away. You can get started on the Burn It Away right away. Okay, Matt.

Yes, sir.

Thanks for coming on and sharing this, brother. I'm super proud.

Oh, it was, it was hard. I was afraid. I'm, I'm, you know, I was scared to share that, but, uh, I don't really have anybody else to hide from anymore, you know, man, other than, other than this guy that I've been, you know.

Yeah. And you know what's really cool about this is there's probably somebody that's listening right now that you're helping. I mean, think about that. At the lowest, darkest point in your life is actually giving another person permission to find the courage inside of them to take the, to take the action steps that they need to take to break the cycles that they keep repeating in their life. Yeah.

I never knew I could do what I did. I always thought I wouldn't. I always thought I wouldn't, but you know what I did, and there's not really much I can do about it anymore.

And if somebody's listening right now and they're stuck and they feel like they need to come come clean about something going on with them, what would you tell them?

Do it. I mean, you have to. You have to because it's just going to keep you in that— that— I mean, to be honest, I was just a prisoner. I've been a prisoner in my own, own hell created by me, by what I think and feel, think about, you know, just how I've been created throughout my life, you know. I just— I want to— you can let— you can let go of that stuff by being honest. That was one of the first things that I was told. That's one of the first things that you told me get honest. Yeah, I mean, I remember it plain as day. It's one thing that I remember. You asked me what I was doing. I'm like, oh, smoking weed. Oh, you gotta let it go. You gotta stop. And you're like— but before that, you're like, get honest. You gotta be honest, you know? So I mean, you just gotta get— learn to be honest with your— be honest with the people around you and be honest with yourself. Because, you know, like I was talking in my first initial couple calls, you know, it's like We're our biggest investment we can make. I'm the— ultimately, you know, and if we put good, good into it, you know, then we can give good away. And, you know, I have not been giving good away. You know, it's— the stuff affects many people. If you have sons and daughters, it affects them. I saw— I've seen my behavior, uh, in my son's life over the past 6 months. That's really what brought me to where I'm at. The affair is just was just one part of it. But, but what I saw my sons going through, and I saw me, and I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't look at myself anymore to think that I have projected this life onto them. I had to break the cycle.

Well said, Matt. Proud of you, brother.

Thank you.

Huge step forward, man. Start on that Burn It Away, start on that Letter of Atonement, and let's follow up. Okay. Okay, brother. Talk soon. Thanks.

Yes. Thank you, I appreciate it.

You got it, bro. Talk soon.

Have a great night.

Yeah, too. Yep.

All right, bye.