Tim Arrigo talks to men in struggling marriages about breaking cycles of invalidation and defensiveness. He argues that dropping ego and taking ownership, rather than blaming your spouse, is how you reclaim internal peace and control.
When a marriage is deteriorating and ending, what you create is cycles of invalidation and defensiveness where you and your wife are in a standoff. It's like you're at the Alamo and both of you are waiting for one another to take action to make the necessary changes. But here's the problem: you're placing expectations on one another and assuming that the person knows exactly what they need to do. They're just as lost as you are. And what happens is you have your version of the story with your narrative, which a majority of the time is actually you being the victim, not the perpetrator, because people don't like seeing themselves as the perpetrator. And guess what? The other person has their narrative and their story. And what happens is both you and your wife are in a position where you refuse to take ownership because you want to be the one who's right and you don't want to give up control. Check it out. Your control is not found in a posture of guardedness and defensiveness. Your control is not found in your apathy and indifference towards what your spouse is feeling. Your control is found in your ability to take ownership, take action, take the lead, and make the changes. Because guess what? No matter what, you still come out a better man and you still win. See, high performers, real men who know how to solve problems understand this. They understand that sitting on the sideline, blaming their spouse, being a victim, and creating a narrative where they're literally placing unrealistic expectations on somebody, like they can find their way out of their own maze that their own mind created, is somehow going to get them out of the problem. You're so much smarter than that. Don't fall for that trap, because what's going to happen is you're going to burn out time. And guess what? Consequences come from not taking action. And I'm not talking about external ones with losing your relationship. I'm talking about the internal ones. How many more days do you want to wake up in fear? How many more days do you want to wake up in guilt? How many more days do you want to wake up bitter and angry until you just eventually wake up like that every day and become that guy? This is about so much more than your marriage. It's about your peace. It's about your sanity. It's about your self-control. It's about power. Because power is not a position. Power is an emotion, and you're a guy that can have it all in your life. Stop for a second. Don't be so hardheaded. Drop your ego and realize this isn't about winning. This is about you understanding and developing clarity about what the actual issues are, because trust me— oh yeah, you got a stance, you got a perspective on it. But here's the reality. 9 times out of 10, when we break that thing open You realize how much of a victim you really are. Blaming your wife, having expectations. I'm not saying that your wife doesn't have her part, but why do you need your wife to own it first before you do something for you? Stop waiting.
