Speaker A struggles with purpose and self-worth after childhood abuse by a narcissistic parent. Tim Arrigo identifies how A relies on external metrics like romance to measure success, creating a confirmation bias. Tim reframes the struggle as purposeful suffering and argues that past work is prerequisite for future opportunities, emphasizing self-belief and consistent effort.
And it's been hard for me to find that foundation again of what keeps me going and what, what is the next step. I will not stop what I'm doing. I will not abandon the work that I've done, and I will carry on to do this work. But what is the purpose of this? The purpose is me. The purpose has always been me, but That's a hard one to carry.
Yeah, well, the purpose—
actually, family, we do it for our kids, we do it for— we have external reasons as well why we, why we do things, right? And for me, it's me and only me right now.
Yeah, that— well, that's your problem. You're not able to create a mental image, a visualization of how this will pay off in the future, brother. What do you think the likelihood is that you as a 40-year-old man is never going to meet another woman in your life?
Oh, there's—
I mean It's very low, bro. Yeah, yeah, extremely low. The fact that, right, a handsome, good-looking guy like you who's got his stuff together is never going to meet another woman in his life, he's never going to come in contact with another woman who's going to find him attractive or that he wants to date, right? Uh, that's very low, extremely low. I think for you you got caught up in a pretty common trap that a lot of us do, and you got caught up in the instant gratification. And I think for you, you were— your why, your reason, your motivation intrinsically, I think, has— you've lost sight of it. And I think you potentially used some external metric like a relationship, a woman, another person coming in or being a part of your life as a measuring stick to define how well you did and how successful you actually were in this. And you know what that really comes down to at the end of the day? The fact that the belief that what you've done and what you've accomplished is still not enough. It's a confirmation bias. You look at conditions in your life to reaffirm and confirm the stuff that actually got you here, that you're not good enough or that it's not enough or that you didn't achieve something or you didn't do well enough or you didn't do enough. And that's a complete reenactment of your childhood, that no matter how hard I try, it doesn't matter. As we all know, growing up with a narcissistic parent, I can tell you this: no matter how hard you try, it doesn't matter. And I can tell you that from experience. Doesn't matter what you do, there's never going to be a day where they listen to how you feel or care. But see, brother, the light at the end of the tunnel for you is for you to know that this is purposeful suffering, number one. Number two, yes, the light at the end of the tunnel for you is to know that you are a young guy in the prime of his life with many opportunities to meet somebody else. But because you're not fully believing in yourself, you're not fully feeling confident in the work that you've done, you don't actually believe that that's going that's gonna, that's gonna provide fruit in your life. And so you actually don't apply the amount of effort that you should, because the effort that you apply is consistent with the belief that you have in yourself. If I don't believe I'm going to win, I'm not going to try very hard. And so you're not applying the maximum amount of effort, which means that you're really not loving yourself, you're really not believing in yourself. You're not trusting yourself. You're not trusting the work you've done. So let me remind you from somebody from the outside. It is incredibly rare in this world to have a man have the ability to articulate himself with the awareness that you have. Number one, it's incredibly rare that a man would ever be able to vulnerably, honestly acknowledge with authenticity where he's truly at and what that's actually connected to. The biggest problem for you is that that conditioning is so powerful. Those wounds are there. They're very ingrained. Ingregious wounds, by the way. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, and not only that, but the emotional and physical abuse that you went through, those are, those are very egregious wounds, and they show up heavily, and they'll continue to show up. Listen to me, brother, those things will continue to show up in your life. It's a daily fight. But let me tell you this, you don't need a woman or a family to come into your life for you to recognize how amazing it is that you've done this work, because this work was the prerequisite for what comes next. And I'm not like talking to you while you're on your deathbed right now. I'm not talking to you while you got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I'm not talking to you that— I'm talking to you in a state of health and wellness in your life. I'm talking to you at the prime of your life. I'm talking to you in a state where you're more mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared for what's about to come down, right, the pipe for you right now than ever before. You're more prepared than you've ever been in your entire life.
Absolutely.
And I think for you, you're hungry and you're ready and you're eager and you're chomping at the bit. But just because it hasn't happened yet in your life doesn't mean it's not going to happen.
