Tim Arrigo and Speaker B discuss how parents influence children most powerfully through their own transformation, not by trying to fix or control them. The key is showing up as a vulnerable, confident example and letting kids develop at their own pace while you model the attitudes you want them to learn.
getting back the control and realizing that it's not going to be something outside of me that I got to give them, that it is my transformation because I am a walking, living, breathing example of what this looks like and how to do it.
Wow. The journey, you know, it's very insightful and it just is even for me and my growth journey to take a step back and just plant the seed and just open me up and not expecting any type of response from them. If they do respond, be agile enough to continue to probe and, and to continue the conversation in ways that they slowly, at their pace, receive and accept and absorb and process.
Exactly. Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself, man.
Wow.
And do you see how that changes how you feel? You see how does that change how you feel?
To be honest, Tim, it's— you said it, it almost lifts the weight off of your shoulders because, you know, and it's parting additional growth on my part is that you can't fix everything. You can't solve everything. You can't do it. It is what it is. But what are the right ways to behave and nurture this type of thinking? With others and how do you— how do you let that evolve? And it's not at the pace that I would like it to evolve. It's at the pace that is best for them to evolve.
Nailed it. And how much easier that is. Wow, that's easy. I can do that. I can absolutely do that. Yeah, I just got to live my life and keep, keep staying in process on this journey and keep I keep sharing with them transparently, openly, and through my own vulnerability and through my own just inquiring with them and creating conversations around these things. It doesn't have to be dad prying and lecturing and trying to force-feed them some tools. No, it's me. It's me and how I interact and how I engage with them and how I show up to that moment with them as a multi-dimensional father now. And for me to think that that is not going to impact them Of course it is. Of course it is. They don't even know what they don't know, but they will because I'm going to— I'm going to show them and teach them through my own life. And I'm totally patient in that. Even if there's only one conversation a week, I'll get my opportunity. And now that I'm cognizant of it, I'm realizing it's just in the opportunities and how they present themselves, just like you said.
And even as I listen to you, Tim, I think about some early interactions I had with them. Several months ago on how the approach in those conversations can be improved, because I think it did have an effect, but I think continuing to take that step back, as we just discussed, would probably have a much bigger impact in, in those touchpoints, those few touchpoints that I do have with them in those moments, and how I can maximize those in a different way.
Yeah, I love that, man. Do you see even just recognizing the difference in even the way you're speaking? It's like there's a confidence there, there's an acceptance there, there's a, there's a peace there, there's a grounding there. That, that's me. And again, that's me for the first time too. Why that's so important is that's me believing in myself. That's me believing in my ability to create positive impact. That's me connecting right to the fact that I'm not missing something. That I'm not needing something other than me, that I have it inside, that success is inside of me, and that people in my life are going to— they're going to— they're going to be able to experience the fruit from my transformation. Let your kids enjoy the fruit. Let them just enjoy the fruit, man, that Dad's not the same guy.
It's powerful, Tim. You know what else? What just came to my mind, Tim, is in my original question that I had asked you, there was a component of their mother and their— and her behavior. And as I reflect on what we just discussed, is that that doesn't really even matter.
Exactly.
And that's what I was getting at with you, because the bond and the behavior and demonstrate that and rebuilding the relationship in a much healthy manner that opens up their attunement and their emotional competency and to think about these things will really will be my influence on them regardless of what other influences are on them.
Boom.
There it is, bro.
How powerful is that?
Wow.
Beautiful, man. What a gift. Something to look forward to.
Oh, Tim, it's so relieving because part of my growth is just worrying about all the externals, all the different what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves, and trying to solve the pathways. Through that, where the answer is really lies within me and how I approach it with that, with my relationship with my boys. And that all becomes noise. They could be doing all sorts of stuff, and at the end of the day, if I can open up their minds through my behavior and through the way I converse with them and help influence them the way I can, then they can be attuned enough regardless of who's influencing them.
Amazing, man. I'm proud of you. Thanks. Thanks for coming on, man.
