The real reason that you're triggered and mistreat your wife

situations in your life. You should never be giving away your power to people, places, and things, right? So the real reason you overreact and mistreat your wife, and why you feel shame, guilt, fear, why it's painful, how you have to live with mistreating people, and how you're not in alignment with the best version of yourself— you see and watch yourself hurting somebody that you love and care about. And you're living in regret and remorse and constantly having to apologize. And you're witnessing how your inability to control your emotions is making you impulsive. And again, like I said, guys, I know what this is like, right? I know what this is like. And if you guys can relate to this, right, type me in the comments, right? I know you guys can relate to this. I know a lot of you guys have been there. I know I've been there in that place. So I, like I said, I used to overreact to every little bit of criticism, especially any type of criticism. Because here's why people react to criticism 9 times out of 10, especially when it's constructive. It is because they don't believe they can actually change. They see themselves as fixed, right? A couple people said, yeah, I've been there. Right? You see the qualities that you have as fixed. You don't believe you can change them, so you don't want to acknowledge them because acknowledging them would force you to have to work on them. Guys, and I've been there. So you see it as a personal attack like I used to. You get defensive like I used to. You get guarded, you get reactive like I used to. And trust me, I would say things that I would completely regret. Couldn't control my emotions. I know— only knew how to do this by trying to fix how other people made me feel. By what? Firing back at them. But again, as I asked you, have you ever, have you ever wished you could control your emotions and wish you could control how you react to situations and not take things personally. If you can relate to this, right, type yes, because I'm going to get into this, how exactly to do this. So what you were never taught, what I was never taught, was that you only take it personal because it triggers something in you that you refuse to look at. Again, it triggers something in your shadow, the repressed parts of yourself that you remain in denial about. What we weren't taught, what we were not taught, right? Things we weren't taught. Jonathan Court says, that's me. Wesley says, that's me, right? You guys can relate to this. I love it, right? Because what's most personal is what's most relatable, right? Jonathan says, you taught me a lot, brother. I've been doing so much better. You're an amazing coach. Appreciate you, brother. Much love. So yeah, this is how this happens. So let's talk about it. What we weren't taught was that someone's behavior towards us says nothing about us, it says everything about them. But why it triggers us says everything about us and nothing about them. Again, offense can't be given, it has to be taken. So I want to teach you guys that The things that are really being triggered are deeper than the surface issues you're dealing with, right? You're clinging to a false sense of control, which is really just an illusion. And your ego is defending you from something much, much deeper. And the only reason you don't acknowledge it is because it makes you feel insecure and it makes you feel like you're going to lose control. And it forces you to own that you make you feel. So your wife says something to you and you don't recognize that it's making you feel unloved, that it's making you feel not valued, that it's making you feel like you're not good enough. It's making you have to look at fallibilities and imperfections and flaws in yourself. And here's the deal. There's power in recognizing that it's okay for me to have flaws. It's okay for me to have— there's no reason why I must not have flaws, right? There's no reason why we shouldn't have flaws. Nobody is perfect. That's why there's power in being able to recognize this. And here's the thing, we don't want to look at it from someone else's perspective. To win the internal battle You gotta own what's being triggered in your shadow, period. So again, like I said, you're standing on a street corner, it's you and two of your friends. A car full of people in a convertible drive by, they point in your direction and laugh. I think they're laughing at me. Friend next to me thinks they're laughing at something behind us, and the gentleman next to him thought they were laughing at something You know, they thought, they thought he was handsome. The reality is, is that what's, what's the issue that's being triggered is my perception of the experience. It's what I believe it means. It's the definition. It's the value that I'm giving it. So people don't want to see things from someone else's perspective, which, by the way, makes you incredibly powerful when you can see things from multiple perspectives. I know for me, I only used to see things from one perspective, and that perspective wasn't always healthy. My question is, can you see multiple ways to handle a situation in the moment? Can you recognize more than one way to handle a situation? Think about how many people are in prison for life from a flash of anger that they couldn't control and couldn't see any other way of handling the situation than doing something that landed them in prison for life. Right? Anger. How many times have you done something in anger other than defending yourself that's ended good, that's ended right? Here's the thing with me: I don't let people have— you don't know how hard I fought for the peace I earned. That's my mantra for you. You don't know how hard I fought for the peace I earned. Believe me, I could tell you stories that'll make your ears bleed all day. People don't know how hard we fought for the peace we earned. So why are we giving that peace away? Why am I giving that to people? Why am I letting people control me? I don't want to be the world's sock puppet where it's basically like, hey, say something to Tim and watch him react. I'm not giving people that power. And I just think about who is the man that I admire. It's a man who's able to be stoic. And if you guys can relate to this, right, let's talk about— I want to hear from you guys in the comments. Where do you believe true power comes from, right? Where do you guys believe true power comes from? Because true power is not found in the external. True power is only found within yourself. Within controlling your own thoughts, controlling your emotions, controlling what you say, what you do. It's like stubbing your toe and wanting to shout profanity, but you hold it in. I'm not saying suppress it, I'm saying manage it, control it. Self-control. To me, see, here's the thing, a lot of people, they have a false or misconstrued identity of what power is. They think power is exerting dominance over other people, is instilling fear in other people. And believe me, I used to think that was power too, until I realized it was weakness, because that's somebody who needs to control other people in order to feel in control. True power is self-control, because typically those people are the same people using vices, who can't control their emotions, who who break character and end up getting themselves in situations that they try to dig themselves out of and later regret, and end up 20 years down the line calling me ready to change. And believe me, I've been there. I've been that guy. I've been there, right? And if you guys can relate, I'd love to hear from you guys. But where do you guys think true power comes from, right? And again, I love what this person said. If you can't control your thoughts, It will trigger your emotions. Yeah, that even goes for how quickly people say things in response to a text message. People are so oblivious to the way they carry themselves, and they wonder why people don't respect them, because they don't even respect themselves. Even things people say on the internet blows me away. Like, me personally, I would never put something on the internet that would make me look foolish or put some, some, some type of comment on the internet that would make me look childish. Because people don't realize how they're really revealing how they really feel about themselves. It's a confession of character. It's a revelation. You're showing other people what's really going on inside of you. You're giving it away. You're becoming transparent. Why? Because You wouldn't get reactive if it didn't trigger something in you. And it's not other people's job to manage that, it's yours. And again, this is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way. Self-control and discipline, listening to learn, right? Absolutely. And I just think about every day, who is the person that I admire? And for some people that's different. But I admire someone who can control their emotions, who handle themselves like a gentleman, who respects other people, who carries himself with honor and integrity, who fights honorable battles, who chooses commitment over ego, who's black and white, who lets their actions speak louder than their words, who practices what they preach, who's above reproach, Who's the living example? Not a role model, a real model. A role model, someone who models the change they want to see. A lot of people have expectations of other people, but yet they're a total hypocrite to those own expectations. They expect other people to live up to expectations that they don't even live up to. They, they, they get offended at people violating their boundaries, but they violate their own boundaries every day. They get offended at the way that people disrespect them, and they disrespect themselves every day. And again, guys, Wesley says true power comes from inside you. And that's right, 100%, within your ability to control yourself, control your emotions. So let's imagine your wife gets— let's imagine my wife gets upset and says something and it immediately I get triggered by it. Number one, it's my responsibility to know why I'm triggered. What is being triggered in me? And again, I'd like to give you guys a little, a little list, right? Let's look at this list. And I have this inside my app. So what, what is this? What is this list? What's really being triggered? So maybe what's being triggered in me is that I feel excluded, that I feel powerless, right? Maybe she's going out with her friends and maybe I feel excluded, maybe I feel powerless, maybe I feel unheard, maybe I feel scolded, maybe I feel judged, maybe I feel blamed, maybe I feel disrespected, Maybe I feel a lack of affection— maybe I feel uncared for— Maybe I feel lonely— Maybe I feel ignored— Maybe I feel that I couldn't be honest— Maybe I feel like a bad guy— Maybe I feel forgotten— Maybe I feel unsafe— Maybe I feel unloved—and maybe I feel it's not fair! Maybe I feel frustrated; maybe disconnected; maybe trapped; maybe there was a lack of passion; maybe I felt like I could speak up— Maybe manipulated or controlled? These are the real reasons why you're triggered. You're not triggered because of somebody else. You're triggered because of these things that you're feeling. And don't tell me that these things don't take you back to a period in your life before you're even in that relationship. 99.9% of the people that I've worked with had unresolved issues from their past, and those unresolved issues were showing up in their life without their permission. They were showing up in their life without their permission, and that's why they have an age regression. That's why they regress to a former version of— they regress to childlike behaviors, survival mechanisms that you used in your childhood. And let me tell you right now, childhood survival mechanisms will keep you sick in your adult life. So what happens is you see a grown man, a grown adult, digress to a child because why? They're seeing the behavior through the filter, through the mental filter of their own experiences. Feeling excluded takes them back there. Feeling powerless takes them back there. Feeling unheard takes them back there. Feeling unloved takes them back there. Scolded, judged, blamed, disrespected, lack of affection. Uncared for, lonely, ignored, couldn't be honest. All this is taking them back to this place. And because their ego refuses to acknowledge this as being triggered, because it makes them feel insecure, because they don't know how to deal with these things, because they've never dealt with these things, they project it. They blame the other person for the way that they feel, and then they justify their dysfunctional behavior, and they make the other person the scapegoat for why they reacted the way that they did. I'm going to leave that there, right there. Let that sit in, let that soak in for a second. And how do I know this is the truth? Number one, because I lived it. And in the 25,000 clinical hours that I've had in the field with over 5,000 people— over 731 men have come through my private coaching program— I know that men feel what? They feel a sense of inferiority, sense of inadequacy. A majority of men have a hidden inferiority complex that they haven't dealt with. Why would you find the need to have to overcompensate for every little thing? It's transparent. It's obvious. It's obvious to me and anybody else that's done this work. It's obvious to them because healthy, mature— maturity Healthy, emotionally mature people show compassion, show grace, show respect to other people. You come at me physically, you're going to get a reaction out of me. Come after my family, you're going to get that reaction out of me. But you say something to me, I'm— I don't give my power away to that. Because let me tell you right now, I gave my power away to situations like that for a lot of my life, guys. And that took me to a place of utter powerlessness. And I'm thinking to myself, why am I giving people this control over me? That's why most of these people are using vices. They're using alcohol, they're using porn, they're using whatever other things they can do to escape because they can't control what goes on on the inside. They feel unloved. They feel like it's not fair. They feel frustrated, disconnected, trapped, lack of passion, couldn't speak up, feel manipulated, feel controlled. The real work is in healing those things within yourself and being able to recognize when that stuff is being triggered in real time. Had a gentleman the other day in my private program, and he joined me in my private program. This is about 2 months ago, and this gentleman said that his girlfriend had gone out and was unfaithful, and he had experienced this. And from his girlfriend being unfaithful, he— I said, why does this trigger you? I said, why does this trigger you? And he said, it triggers me, it triggers me because I feel like I can't trust her. And I said, don't make it about her, make it about you. And he said, It triggers me because I feel like I'm not good enough. And I said, okay, and what is that connected to? And he immediately started talking about the relationship he had with his father. See, as I mentioned before, it's these things that get triggered. See, is it a trigger or is it an opportunity? Because here's the deal, if I want to work on these things going on inside of me, it's not really a trigger then. It's really an opportunity for me to work on something that hasn't been worked on yet, to come in contact with a part of me that I haven't worked on yet. That's called self-awareness. And the only way to truly master yourself is to truly know yourself. And the only way to know yourself is to study yourself. Most people have never done self-study. Let me say that one more time. Let's let that sink in. The only way to master yourself is to know yourself, and the only way to know yourself is to study yourself. Most people have never done any sense of self-study in their life. They've never understood how their past relates to today. They've never done the deeper work, and so they keep getting triggered by every little thing in their life, and they have this wall. They're clinging on to this broken identity, the illusion of control. If I identify and acknowledge these things, I'll fall apart. But here's— that's what your ego tells you. But the true power comes when you do that work. How do I know? Because I lived it. How do I know? Because I've worked with over 5,000 people who have done this work, 25,000 clinical hours. And that's not me tooting my horn. That's me speaking from experience. See, most of you guys are living in your experience, but after you see the pattern with thousands of people, there's pathology in that, in that pattern. It's pathological. You see breadcrumbs and you see the trail of breadcrumbs that always leads you back to the exact same place. Always leads you back to the same place. You save me from self-destruction every day, says Ted. You tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. I thank you, brother. I'm alive, and as long as I got that, there is hope, man. I love that, bro. Thank you for that. I appreciate you, bro. And I'm with you guys on this journey. I'm with all you guys on this journey. And that's why I do this, right? So I have this live video going right now. And by the way, if you haven't taken advantage of the free training that we just released, please take advantage of that. The link is on my page. Also, if you haven't taken advantage of our free resources, the link is on my page as well. We have the Downshift Technique available to you guys. Please go check that stuff out. I talk to people all the time. I want to improve my relationships. I want to improve my boundaries. Well, what have you, what have you checked out recently? What have you done to invest in yourself? Right? So let's talk about developing better control over your emotions is recognizing within yourself why you're being triggered first. And don't look in the external. Do not blame the external environment because when you do that, you're going to have to have somebody apologize, admit they're wrong, see things from your perspective. You're going to develop a tendency to want to control the external. Again, guys, real power comes from controlling your own mind. So, Ted, I'll get back to you on that, definitely. And if you guys are interested in learning more about the program, you can just type info in the comments, or what you guys can do is you can just reach out to me personally in my Messenger. I'd be happy to get back to you guys about that. So again, guys, this, this is the key. It's about looking inside yourself. It's about understanding what is really going on with you underneath the surface, right? And, and again, so I recognize why I'm triggered. And if I can— here's, here's the power right here. You ready for it? If I can recognize why I'm triggered, I can recognize why someone else is triggered. If I recognize why I'm triggered, I can recognize why somebody else is triggered. Let's say you come home from work and you're late and your wife is offended, your wife is upset, right? And she says, you know, why are you late? I'm just not going to make dinner if you're late. And immediately I recognize what I feel scolded. I feel unloved. I feel disconnected. And if that's how I feel, well, let me imagine how my wife feels about the fact that I'm late and she was making dinner. She probably feels disrespected. She probably feels unloved. She probably feels like I don't care about being home on time and I'm not honoring her. It's my responsibility to meet that need within her to speak to that part of her with compassion, with empathy, to say, hey, hon, look at me, look me in my eyes, look at me. I know you're probably upset, upset that I came home late, and I apologize. Being home on late, super important for me. It's important for me to be home on time. And I appreciate you, the fact that you got upset, because I know that you care. And you know what, I care too. And that's why I'm not getting defensive right now. You're right. You're right. And I know you probably feel unloved and uncared for, but I want you to know that this dinner time is important to me. And I'm going to make the necessary action steps that I need to change. That's a man who communicates from pure strength. Because he's not operating out of ego, he's not operating out of his own inferiority. He's operating from a place of understanding true leadership requires extreme ownership. Let me say that again. True leadership requires extreme ownership. True leadership requires extreme ownership. Extreme ownership doesn't mean blaming everybody. But Tim, my wife, I don't— then this message isn't for you. If you want to blame your wife every day of the week, then this message isn't for you. This message is for leaders, and every one of us has the capacity to be a leader. There's no exception to that rule. So again, if I recognize, right, what is being triggered in me, which is my responsibility, not somebody else's— that's why I don't need an apology from somebody. What I need to do is communicate about these issues, right? That this isn't about me personally. This is about how my behavior of being home late, or whatever it is, whatever behavior I'm exhibiting, is triggering something in my wife. and it's my job to understand that. It's my job to have x-ray vision, x-ray eyes, to see beneath the surface of why somebody might be reacting the way they do. I think that is incredibly powerful, and you can only do that when you look inside yourself first. So if there's anything you take away from this, I want you to take this: you can never ever resolve these issues until you first understand what's going on with you. Because as you develop awareness of yourself— only way to master yourself is to know yourself. Only way to know yourself is to study yourself. As you get to know yourself, you have self-awareness. As that self-awareness increases, your, your social awareness, your awareness of others increases too, because you start to realize, if I'm triggered, not feeling this way, I'm starting to recognize I'm I'm having x-ray vision and I'm starting to see why other people are going through what they're going through, which gives me the power to not take it personal. There it is. Someone's behavior towards me says nothing about me. It says everything about them. But why it triggers me says everything about me and nothing about them. They didn't make me feel this way. I'm in control of my thoughts, emotions. That's me. I'm in control of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. And if you want to learn control of this, right, you can type me in the comments. You don't know how hard I fought for the peace I earned. That's the mantra, right? That's the mantra. You don't know how hard I fought for the peace I earned. And let me tell you right now, a lot of us are going through pain, we're going through suffering, and we fought very hard for the peace we've had to earn. So again, if you haven't fully taken the time to understand what triggers your wife, then you have an expectation that your wife should be doing the things that you want them to do or seeing things the way you want them to see them. But men and women are wired differently. So immediately when I'm triggered, I own my why. Why am I triggered? And I ask if there's any truth in the statement that she said, and I allow her to think and feel the way that she wants. And instead of deflecting or getting defensive, because I only get defensive when I have something to defend, I want to use this as an opportunity to learn. What a great opportunity for me to learn about my wife. And learning about my wife helps me help her feel seen and heard and grows the intimacy in the relationship, because empathy is the bridge to intimacy. Like I've always said, I've coined that, that empathy is the bridge to intimacy. If you guys want to know why the intimacy is dying in your marriage, it's It's because you don't exhibit any empathy. You stonewall, you blame shift, you're too defensive, you're ego-driven. You have this power-through mentality that you try to use in home because you use it at work with other men. Doesn't work with your wife. And let me ask you, why do you really put your wife down? It's 'cause you're really just insecure. And that's a fact. So the key here is to ask the right questions to your wife so you can be armed with the right information. I want to learn. So what is it about me showing up late that really triggered you? Well, you just— every time you come home and you don't care. Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you, you're feeling uncared for. I'm not hearing her blaming me. I'm hearing what's really beneath the surface. X-ray vision. And then I'm asking, I'm inquiring, are you feeling unloved? Are you feeling like I'm not caring? That's what I'm hearing. Next time your wife says something to you, can you reflect it back in the form of a question? Because if you don't even know where it's coming from, then it's not going to work out well, right? If you don't know where it's coming from, because you're going to make it all about you. But it's not about you. It's not about you. It's about the behavior. Just like when you say something to someone else that upsets them, it's not about them. If you said something to somebody else that offended them, you would know the thing you said that offended them, that's not about them, that's about you. You said it because of how you feel about the situation that you're in and whatever's happening in your life. Ownership is key. I gotta face my darkness in order to find the light. You gotta do the work on yourself. That deeper work is necessary. That's what most men don't realize. You really think a comment from your wife would have the power to send you into a fit of rage? Come on, bro, wake up. You really think a comment from your wife would have the power to send you into a fit of rage? No, something's being triggered in your shadow, the repressed part of yourself, the part of yourself that you refuse to look at, and your denial is killing you. Your denial is killing you, man. How do I know? Because I've been there, and thousands of the men that I've worked with over the last 10+ years have been going through the same thing. You're not alone in that, bro. So stop telling yourself that you're the only guy going through this, right? Chase is learning the stonewalling. Chase is in the Total Breakthrough Academy. Chase is getting breakthrough. Chase says, doesn't matter what Tim talks about, it's like he's inside my head, taking my thoughts straight out of my head. Love this dude. He's good at what he does. Super helpful. Chase, much love, brother. So glad you're a part of the program. Again, guys, if you're interested in learning more about the program, you can type info here in the comments or you can DM me privately and I'd love to talk to you guys about this. But again, guys, with all these lives, if you, if you showed up late, you didn't have the ability to follow me through this whole thing. Please, guys, Downshift Technique is available to you. The link is on my page. Take advantage of that. The free training, the link is on my page. Take advantage of that stuff, guys. I made this stuff for you guys. I made it for you guys so you could get value out of it. They're free resources. Please take advantage of them. If you'd like to speak to me personally, if you'd like to talk about how to do this work, how to become a healthier version of yourself, how to tap into your full potential and recognize it is about you taking extreme ownership, leadership, better communication skills, emotion regulation, stress management, becoming the man that you know you truly are. Contact me. Contact me, guys. I'm here for you. And as always, nothing but love and respect for you guys. Thank you guys for joining me tonight. I hope that this was insightful. Again, guys, again, let's just do a quick recap. The real reason you overreact and mistreat your wife is because of things that are going on beneath the surface. It's things going on inside of you. You only take it personal because it triggers something in you that you refuse to look at. It's happening in your shadow. It's operating in your life without your permission. Someone's behavior towards you says nothing about you, it says everything about them. But why their behavior triggers you says everything about you and nothing about them. Offense can't be given, it has to be taken. You have to take offense, and you only get defensive when you have something to defend. Again, guys, these things being triggered are deeper than the surface issues that you're dealing with. You're clinging on to a false sense of control. It's an illusion. Your ego is defending you from something deeper, and the only reason you don't acknowledge it is because you don't believe you can contend with it. You look at it like Mount Everest. How do I deal with this? Let me tell you, there is a path, there is a way out, but you got to own it first. You can't defeat what you can't define. You can't conquer what you don't confront. Listen to me. You can't conquer what you don't confront. You got to confront it. There's a lot of light in the darkness, man. To win the internal battle, you must own what's being triggered in your shadow. To own the internal battle, to win the internal battle, you must own what's being triggered in your shadow. Again, guys, what is it? What's coming up for you? Are you feeling excluded, powerless, unheard, scolded, judged, blamed, disrespected, lack of affection, uncared for, lonely, ignored, couldn't be honest, that you're a bad guy, that you're forgotten, that you're unsafe, unloved, that it was unfair, that you're frustrated, disconnected, trapped, lack of passion, that you couldn't speak up, that you felt manipulated, you felt controlled? These are the real reasons you're triggered. It's not about somebody else. Make it about I. I. Don't make it about them. Just like I said the other night in group, gentleman's— what— gentleman's girlfriend was unfaithful. He found out. I said, why does this trigger you? He said, because I feel like I can't trust her. I said, don't make it about her, make it about you. And what did he say? He said, it's because I feel like I'm not good enough. And I said, and what is that connected to? Why do you believe that? And he started talking about the relationship he had with his father. He took it personal because he saw it through that lens. Just like I told you, we show up to the party, I say, hey, by the way, a bunch of people at this party don't like you. We walk in the door, someone doesn't hold the door for you. Oh, that must mean they don't like me. Someone doesn't offer you food, that must mean they don't like me, right? Someone shakes my hand but not yours, that must mean they don't like me. Someone's pointing and looking in our direction, that must mean they don't like me. Someone leaves the party early, it must mean they don't like me. But when we left the party, I told you, hey, by the way, I was just joking. You would realize how what I told you formed a mental filter, formed a belief system, and those belief systems came from somewhere, and they're getting triggered in real time in your relationship with your wife. You're not aware of it. You have no self-awareness. You don't have self-mastery because you haven't studied yourself, and so you don't have emotional intelligence, the ability to self-regulate, and you only look to the external for the solution. And the only way to do that real work is to look inside first. Can't fix the inside from the outside. You can only fix the inside from the inside. And that's why I created my free training. It's called the Inside Out Method. Take advantage of it, please. Much love and respect to all of you guys. Thank you guys for joining me tonight. Praying for all you guys. You guys are all living in my heart. I think about you guys all the time. I want this for you guys. Call me crazy, I like to see people succeed, man. And I believe all you guys are capable of that, right? Love and respect to all you guys. Have a wonderful night, and I'll see you guys next Wednesday.