A man talks to other men about how they unconsciously push partners away through toxic behavior, then blame their partners for withdrawing. He describes how chasing career success and material proof of worth leaves marriages empty, and warns that unaddressed regret leaves scars that never heal.
You can't traumatize people through your behavior and then blame them for the defense mechanisms that you forced them to create. See, the problem is, is when we engage in maladaptive behaviors, when we engage in behaviors that are toxic, that are dysfunctional, that are unhealthy, we force people around us to develop their own defense mechanisms as a way to protect themselves. And oftentimes we get frustrated with these protective mechanisms, like Maybe your wife is closed off. Maybe she's withholding intimacy. Maybe she's withdrawing. Maybe she's wanting a divorce. Maybe she wants space and distance. Maybe your wife is in a position where she isn't being open or vulnerable, or she's defensive, or she invalidates you, or she projects on you, or she brings up the past constantly, or she blames you for everything wrong. You can't get upset about the culture that you created inside your marriage. And I know because I'm speaking from experience, because I created a lot of toxic cultures in my life. And all the other brothers that I work with inside the Academy over the last 10 years, I can tell you right now, as brothers awaken to this reality, they realize that most of it was subconscious. Most of it was cyclical. They engaged in it and it operated in their life without their permission. They were conditioned by it. They were operating on autopilot. It's not that they weren't empathetic It's not that they didn't have a big heart. It's not that they wouldn't take the shirt off their back for somebody else. It's that they weren't connected to their heart. They weren't connected to other people. They were in survival mode, focused on what? The next goal, the next achievement, moving the ball forward, just being a good provider. Because most of them operated with a chip on their shoulder because they never felt like they were enough. They felt like they had to prove their worth. And then achieving the accolades, the success, the material gains, what did it do? It was like a bucket with holes. It never lasted. It never did anything for them. And what they found out was they left so much on the table in terms of relationships, the depth of intimacy, emotional availability, romance, passion, the spark to really hit the ignition switch. What they really wanted in their life, a life of depth and meaning, they lacked. Their life felt empty. Their life felt empty and hollow. Why? Because everything they chased after never truly fulfilled them, never truly gave them a sense of contentment and peace and joy and love. It was like a bucket with holes. They tried to pour everything in from the world and it just leaked right out. What does it pay a man? What does it pay a man to win the world and lose his soul in the process? See, the reality, my brother, is you've operated with a chip on your shoulder. Feeling the need to overcompensate, to try and prove something, to try and prove something to the external world, proving something to ghosts, chasing this proverbial carrot on the end of the stick, only to come to find out there is no carrot at all. It's just a mechanism of overcompensation, utilizing your career to prove your worth. That's why you can't delegate anything in your career, because your identity is your career. That's why your relationships have suffered. Because you've neglected people in your life. Not because you're a bad guy, because you were consumed with proving yourself, operating out of ego, not operating from a conscious state, not slowing down and pulling back. Like, bro, look around you. Do you really need to be so consumed and hyper-absorbed in everything you got going on? Or is there room for people in your life? Is there room for relationships inside your life? Is there room for something greater inside your life? Are you capable of something more inside your marriage? Are you capable of creating something better inside your marriage? That is the reality. That is the challenge that I am welcoming and inviting you to right now, is to ask yourself that question. Am I capable of more? Am I leaving more on the table? Because if you're a guy like me, and I know, I know you, bro, You don't like leaving things on the table. You don't like knowing there's more on the table. And listen, regret can leave scars that never heal, especially when you know that you could have done something but you chose not to. Don't make that choice.
