Tim Arrigo talks to men about why they stay silent in marriage and what it costs them. He argues that therapy alone won't fix a broken relationship, and that sharing your past wounds with your wife is what actually changes things.
I'll tell you one thing that your wife isn't. She isn't a mind reader. You know why your wife's in the dark all the time? It's because your wife doesn't know your deepest, darkest secrets. There's things that have gone on. There's things in your shadow that your wife has no idea about. How could you expect to be deeply and intimately connected to your wife if your wife knows nothing? About the most painful, most challenging times of your life. And see, when you're not even clear about how those times have impacted you in terms of your relationship, then how do you expect your wife to be? See, your wife feels like she's in the dark. And the problem is, when she doesn't know why, she tends to take what you do personally. Can you blame her? And so when she takes it personally, it causes her to become what? Defensive, guarded. And the reality is your wife is still confused because she's like, there's no way that this is possible, that my behavior is making him react this way. Come on, bro. You really think that those little instances are enough to make you react and act the way that you do? You and I both know that that's connected to something else. And you want intimacy with your wife? Tim, I want intimacy with my wife. I want to go deeper with my wife. Well, check it out, bro. Intimacy is not just a physical experience. Intimacy is emotional. Why don't you have those deeper conversations with your wife? It's because you haven't learned how to trust people. It's because you haven't learned how to open up to people and you haven't understood the value of emotional connection. Because at some point in your life, at some period in your life, at some point in time in your history, you learned that vulnerability was a weakness. You learned that vulnerability was a liability. Just like me. So you covered it up with a mask, with a facade, and you hid the real you from the world. And you thought that you could use everything on the external to fix it. I can use the success in my business. If I just had this, if I just had this, then I'd be— if I just got this, then I'd be— I'm gonna come down and find out that it didn't work. And now here you are at the fork in the road, brother, and here's an opportunity for you to do what? To do the work that you've never done, to get the results you've never had. That's why therapy doesn't work for guys like you, because it's just a cathartic process where you just talk and vent. And yeah, that has its benefits, but you're a guy that implements strategy. You're a guy that wants a strategic path to take, to implement, to get results. And I was just like that too. So if you're ready, to stop staying in the problem, if you're ready to stop ruminating in the problem, if you're ready to do some work that you've never done to get results you've never had, if you're ready to go deeper with your wife, be ready to have the deeper conversations with your wife, if you're ready to leave no stone unturned in the creation of the best version of you, maybe a part of you is telling you right now that it's time. But I wouldn't keep waiting.
