This Broke Her Trust—And What Rebuilt It

It hurts me to my deepest core that I don't have that with Maya.

Yeah, and you know why that is? It's because you haven't forgiven yourself. You're right. That's what it's about. It's about you not being able to forgive yourself. But brother, I mean, look at this. The shame a lot of times prevents us from talking about it. It's like, I'll go anywhere, but I don't want to go over here to talk about this thing because the shame that's associated with but free yourself from that shame, bro. Free yourself from that shame. Give yourself forgiveness. It doesn't excuse what happened, but it allows you to realize you can't pay off a debt. There's— it's a debt you can't repay. You can't go into the past and fix it or create a different outcome. And that, it seems so simple, but requires radical acceptance. All right, Landon, welcome to the show, brother.

Thanks, Tim. I appreciate being welcomed.

Yeah, what do you got for me?

Well, I've been, uh, estranged from my daughter for about 10 years, and this has been something that's really been weighing on my heart for quite a while. We have been on again, off again. Our relationship has not been as close as it was prior to me, um, leaving the marriage with her mother, and it is something that is just been on my heart for ever since I left, and I tried to reconnect the best I can. However, there just seems to be a roadblock that is impeding that connection, and it's just something that I feel I need to address with your help and with the tools, and so that I can at least do whatever I can to make amends with this relationship because it's so important to me.

Thanks for sharing that. What, um, What is the roadblock?

Her mother.

Okay, your ex?

Yes. So when I left, uh, in 2015, all communication was, uh, being funneled through my ex-wife to my children. You know, granted, my daughter was 13 at the time, my son was 15 at the time. They still had cell phones, so I could communicate with them, but my daughter would not communicate with me unless it went through her mom. And it's still to this day seems to be the same situation. So when, back in December of last year, when I was in an extremely mentally unhealthy place, learning more and more about the mental filters, I was— my hypervigilance, my catastrophizing, everything was so far out of whack that I honestly couldn't tell you what was up or down. And so, There was some photos that I had sent of a— my, uh, where I live, my house, where there was some stockings that was set up and my wife had set them up. And she, at that time when I came downstairs, only there were a couple of stockings up and my children's stockings were not up. And this just put me into a tailspin. And I sent a text message to my children with a picture of the the stockings and said, I'm so sorry, I failed you guys. Um, I'm gonna find us a new home and please forgive me. That then got forwarded to my ex-wife, and then my ex-wife then forwarded that to my wife, which obviously devastated my wife. And I have made amends, and I am still making amends with my wife for that time period of when I was out of my not normal thinking. But however, I have also been making amends for all of the traumatic scars that I have left on her, my stepson, and those around me.

And, uh, that was 2015, you said?

Yes.

Now, those are your only two kids with her?

Yes. Um, my, my oldest son Jesse passed away in 2011 of cancer.

My condolences, brother.

Thank you.

So 2011, Jesse passed away. What was your response to Jesse's passing?

Uh, I went very dark. I was living in Utah at the time, and after Jesse died, I crawled inside a bottle of Jack Daniel's and Vicodin and lorazepam for 8 and a half months. Uh, I wasn't eating. I was on a, we'll just say a slow, a slow path to death, to suicide. I didn't want to live. I had really nobody in my corner to support me in the way I needed to be supported. I had a good neighbor down the street, uh, Tommy Berry, which he supported me the best way he could. But I didn't have any support system that could help me get out of that dark place. And then April 29th, 2012, I got in a very serious motorcycle accident in which I was not wearing a helmet because in Utah at the time I was not required to, nor here nor there. I then got in— my Harley-Davidson came back on top of me. I hit the ground. My best friend Tommy at the time ran over and put two fingers down my, in my mouth so I wouldn't swallow my tongue, covered my head, yelled out for people to call 911, and I coded three times in the ambulance on my way to the hospital.

Now, when your son passed and you said you went dark and you got involved in the Jack Daniels and the prescription pills, what was going on with you? Were you feeling guilt? Were you feeling shame? Were you feeling regret? Like, uh, around Jesse's passing, like, what, what caused you to go off the deep end like that?

I was feeling regret for the things, not showing up like the father that he should have had. I had so much guilt and pain that I couldn't express it any other way than just going inside of me at the time. And I was just so lost and I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't see a way out at all.

Thanks for sharing that, man. Let me, uh, let me ask you this, brother. Uh, how did your other two kids— how, how did they deal with Jesse's passing?

Um, in their own way. They both kind of shut down. Um, I attempted to try to set up counseling for us as a family. Um, but unfortunately My wife at the time was not willing to go to counseling, and so the appointments got canceled and no healing ever happened. And it just, you know, I've talked with my son now that is 26, and Austin is an amazing young man, and he has so much depth within him. And we've had some really great conversations about Jesse. My accident, um, and my, my dark places that I went. And he has forgiven me for everything that I've done, you know, to him, which he is— he is light years ahead of where I was at that age.

Let me ask you this, uh, your daughter was how old when Jesse passed in 2011?

Maya would have been 10.

So she was 10, and then let's say 15 years old when that situation happened on Christmas. And it sounds like to a large degree, the only truth about who you are and the story about who you are is, is a one-sided biased story really coming from her mom. Is that correct?

Correct.

Okay. So what the roadblock is, is basically you've never been able to tell your side of the story.

That is correct.

Now, what do you feel like you're more stuck on? The fact that you haven't been able to express yourself and tell your side of the story? Or is it the pain of knowing that your daughter doesn't want to connect with you and not have a relationship?

And from what I've been hearing from people on the periphery that know more about what's going on with my daughter than I do is that she is suffering something tremendously. Uh, I have heard over the last few years that she has been in and out of the hospital multiple times for anxiety, panic attacks, and things like that. And she has not received any emotional support other than my ex-wife telling her, "You need to get counseling and deal with this." Did the trigger—

okay, okay. Did the triggering— did all of that make it worse for you?

Oh, yes.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Do you see the connection?

I'm starting to, yes.

Okay, what's the connection?

I'm feeling guilty for not being there to support her in her darkest hour when I needed to be supported in my darkest hour.

Yeah. And, and how does that link up with something else from your past?

Are we speaking about the abandonment of myself at an early age?

No. Earlier with Jesse, I said, why did you go deep into the prescription pills and Jack Daniels? And he said, the regret because I didn't show up the way I needed to as a father.

Correct. Yes, I do see that connection between not showing up for Jesse and not showing up for Maya, not showing up for Austin, and protecting them, and just being the father that I've always wanted to be for them.

Yeah. So it's you feeling the same types of guilt that pushed you over the edge with your son when he passed, the same form of guilt and regret and remorse and shame that you felt then. Is that what you feel now with your inability to communicate with your daughter as she goes through these personal issues that she's struggling with?

I would say that's very accurate.

Have you tried to reach out?

I have tried to call. I have text— left text messages and things like that. Um, the text messages are— sometimes they are received and they— I get a response, and sometimes, um, or most of the time, they they just go unanswered. So the times that I do get to see her, like this last Christmas, we did go out. She wanted to go out to lunch. I think she felt safe, I guess you would say, with having her brother there. So we went out and had a— it was a lunch. They were sort of present. They were more busy and focused on taking care of things for their mom and running errands than they were for the 3 of us just to sit down and have, you know, a father and young adults conversation. And so that was very— that was pain— that was very painful for me to, to sit there and observe. But I also had to be respectful because they are adults.

Yeah, maybe the reality is that she was just uncomfortable and she was just being avoidant and kind of detaching because it was an awkwardness that maybe you were even uncomfortable to address right there.

I could see that. Yeah, because there have been times when I have— before joining Beyond Driven, I have gone somewhat deep, um, and she won't go there. She just will not go there at all.

Okay. Have you, have you written a letter of atonement?

I have written a letter of atonement for her, yes.

And did you send it to her?

Uh, I have not because I don't have a good email address for her. Okay.

Can you reach out to her and get a hold of her and read her this letter of atonement that you wrote?

I will, once, you know, once I can get a hold of her. Yes, I will.

Something's missing. There's one piece that's missing. What's the missing piece? There's a missing piece here. So what I'm sensing is that there's something missing. There's a reason that this is— this goes— it goes beyond just you being able to accept that you can't speak to her. I think it goes beyond the connection with Jesse, although I think it's connected to that. There, there's something else. What is it really about the amends or her not forgiving you? And is it about—

I think the biggest thing for me is, is that I've lost so much time with my baby girl, and I have been excluded from so much of her life for almost over a decade, and I have lost out so much, and it pisses me off because I'm too— I didn't get to go to her graduation. I didn't even— I was not invited to her college graduation. I've never been involved, never been offered, asked to go see her where she lives. I've never been able to visit her. I've never been invited to see anything. And I just— I'm not gonna go into that dark place of fortune telling or anything like that. I'm just— it's, it's the time that I've lost with her. And, you know, I've only been able to develop a relationship with my son Austin over the last 5 years. And him and I have had some really great father-son trips where we have spent, you know, 6, 7 days, and just— I pour life into him and I speak life into him. And I share everything of my journey with him well before Beyond joining Beyond Driven. So him and I have a connection, and it, it hurts me to my deepest core that I don't have that with Maya.

Yeah, and you know why that is? It's because you haven't forgiven yourself.

You're right.

That's what it's about. It's about you not being able to forgive yourself. But brother, I mean, look at this. You, you, you lost, first of all, you had a 10 out of 10 on the ACE score. You come into this marriage before you even have kids, you have stuff going on with you, and this isn't an excuse, but it's a reason. And on top of that all, you then lose your son to cancer. The guilt, the regret, the loss of your son spins you out, spins your whole family out. You go into the JD, the prescription pills, you have this accident. Imagine what that was like for your daughter to. To see not only her, her brother go, but then her father be on the brink of death too. And then in reality, her mom was probably the only person in her life that she found comfort in. And that doesn't mean you failed as a father, just meant that you were in your own battle, you were in your own war. And the shame a lot of times prevents us from talking about it. It's like, I'll go anywhere, but I don't want to go over here to talk about this thing because the shame that's associated with it. But free yourself from that shame, bro. Free yourself from that shame. Give yourself forgiveness. It doesn't excuse what happened, but it allows you to realize you can't pay off a debt. There, there's— it's a debt you can't repay. You can't go into the past and fix it or create a different outcome. And that, it seems so simple, but requires radical acceptance, true embracement. To say what happened happened, and all I can choose to do is learn and grow from it. And the time that I've lost with my daughter, I can never get that back. But here's the thing, here's the amazing thing about God. It says in the word that he will restore what the locusts have eaten. And brother, God will restore this if you are faithful and you are steadfast and you are in alignment, you are grounded and you are self-actualized and you are healing and on a path of growth. It'll be restored. It'll be restored. And that's the faith that you have to hold on to But the first step in the, in the process of, of having that restored is you freeing yourself from the prison of shame and guilt. Because if you don't, in reality, you're showing back up to her life in a lot of ways as the same guy that you were back then. The same shame, guilt, regret, and remorse that took you out will be the same shame, guilt, remorse, and regret that'll prevent you from showing up as somebody different for your daughter.

I agree with that 100%.

And I would encourage you to speak your truth. Find a way to get your truth to your daughter and not from a place of, hey, this is what happened. Let me tell you the truth to try to cover my tracks and, you know, get you to see my side. No, it's my truth for that I want to give to you as a gift because your daughter probably, if she's struggling, we know that the loss of her brother affected her number one. And we know that the loss of her father in her life definitely affected her number two. And that's the sad part about divorce a lot of times is that the partner who lives with the kids will weaponize parental rights and triangulate the relationship, not realizing that it's harmful for their own children. Now, some of that was maybe done to protect her daughter. I get that. But there comes a time, a point in time where ceasing all communication and contact with you, okay, that's one thing, but potentially talking negatively about you when you're not around is another.

And yes.

I would encourage you to, to, to share that letter of atonement with your daughter and try to get it to her. And to reach out to your daughter again and don't stop. But forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the lost time. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. Forgive yourself for self-destructing. Forgive yourself for not showing up as the father you wanted to be. Forgive yourself for that because you didn't have a template for that. And all of that, if you really peel back the curtain, Landon, None of that was about you negating or abandoning your responsibilities as a father as much as it was about medicating and trying to soothe your own pain. And medicating and soothing your own pain comes at a cost. And the cost is my relationships, my health, my physical health and wellbeing. You didn't do those things with the intention to hurt your family. You did 'em with the intention to not be hurting yourself, to avoid the hurt and pain. But in essence, what we do when we avoid hurt and pain in those ways, we only create more hurt and pain for us and people around us. But you didn't know enough. You didn't know another option. You didn't know a way out. You didn't know an escape. And at the time, you didn't really care. You didn't care. You were at the end of your rope. You're at the end of the line. And if you were your best friend watching you go through what you were going through back then, what would you have said to you?

What I said to myself, you have so much worth and you are so loved. And that you need to remind yourself that you are a child of God that has infinite value, and that you need to rise up and become the man that you admire.

Beautiful, bro. Poignant. Give yourself that grace. You deserve that. Stop dra— dragging around the ball and the chain of your past. And I'll tell you this, and I really want you to sit and think about this: you don't need your daughter to forgive you for you to forgive yourself.

Agree. And I am— I'm open for any advice and recommendations how to move through that.

Well, it's a process, and it might be on a daily basis. You might have to forgive yourself constantly. When the negative thoughts come up— shame, guilt, regret, remorse— beating myself up— stop. Forgive myself. Man, I can't believe my daughter's not talking to me right now. Man, this really hurts. I've wasted so many years. Wait, stop. Forgive myself. When I start going back in the past and thinking about what I should have done, could have done, would have done, Stop. I forgive myself. It's a daily process of you checking yourself with accountability to say, hey, we don't live back there anymore.

Right?

We don't live back there anymore. And to pick yourself back up and to move forward. And so have you written a Burn It Away letter?

I have, but not about that subject.

I'd write a Burn It Away letter about this. There's an exercise too that's called trauma healing. It's brand new. It's inside the homework. It's called trauma healing. It's called Breaking Free from Your Pain Prison, but The title of it is Trauma Healing. You can search it under that. Use this as the example and walk through the steps, and then share it with us. Share it with the brotherhood so we can support you on it. I mean, you've come so far already, brother.

Thank you.

And I, I'm proud of you, and I love you, man, and I'm proud of you. And, uh, we'll get through it. Remember, God will restore what the locusts have eaten.