Tim Arrigo tells husbands to become students of their wives. Learn her childhood, triggers, love language, and attachment style. He draws on a client story and his own experience to show how curiosity and behavior change strengthen a marriage.
Just got off the phone with the client and he told me, Tim, I don't know why my wife acts the way that she does. And he was, you know, he felt like he was oblivious to the problem. And I said, brother, that's because you don't study your wife. You haven't become a student of your wife. You haven't want to learn about your wife. You always take the position of assuming that your wife is just trying to control you or manipulate you or get you to— it's like, man, open your eyes, become a student of your wife. Why don't you know those intimate details about your wife? Why haven't you become curious? Why haven't you wanted to learn about this person that you live with? That's a part of you improving your relationship, is knowing the intimate details of your wife. How does she feel? How does she think? What was her childhood? What was her past experiences, past relationships, biggest triggers, moments of weakness? What What's her love language? What's her attachment style? I want to know those details about my wife. How do you not want to know that? How are you not curious about that? And then here you are in a position where when something happens, you don't even know what it is, so you don't know how to identify it. So you're lost. You're lost. And that's what this whole process is. That's you learning how to become a student of your wife, but also a student of yourself. And as you learn more about yourself, as you look within you'll start to realize that human beings are human beings, and if this is going on with you, it's going on with her just in a different way. Brother, it's time for you to enroll yourself into a process of learning, of growth, of curiosity, to really do some deep thinking. Why does she do what she does? Why does she feel the way that she does? Why do these things trigger her the way that she, she gets triggered. Why? You don't even know. You know nothing. And so you get blindsided by this and you're living in the dark with your own wife. And then you're wondering why you have the relationship you do because you don't know how to talk to those parts of her. You don't know how to identify that. So you're lost. And I've been there. I've been there in relationships. It's not— that's not a good place to be. You can't defend yourself. How— you're taking everything personal. And then how could you ever tell her anything that would benefit or support her working through her emotions and her experience if you know nothing about her? Don't you understand? It's not about doing therapy with your wife. It's about knowing and understanding your wife. So when you do when she does get triggered by what you do, you don't get defensive. You drop your ego and you start to look and go, wow, you know what? I could see how my behavior would do that because it's connected to this and that. Oh wow. And that helps me understand my wife. It helps me do what? If I love my wife, I want to modify my behavior. If you love your wife, modify your behavior, bro. So it doesn't make your wife feel the way that she does. I don't know, call me crazy, I want my wife to feel amazing. Call me crazy, I want my wife to feel amazing about herself, and I want her to feel amazing when she's in my presence. Why don't you?
