Unresolved pain sabotages marriages. The speaker argues you need a healthy relationship with yourself first, through self-care and honest reflection. His Total Breakthrough Academy works with 75 men doing inner work to break toxic patterns and improve their families.
You can't conquer what you don't confront. You can't defeat what you can't define. And that's why marriage and family therapy isn't working for so many of you, right? What you're not realizing is how the stuff that's unresolved that you're carrying into that marriage is being antagonized by the behavior of the other person. Whether you're the wife, whether you're the husband, it's crucial that you do that work on yourself because you can't say that you're in a toxic relationship when you have a toxic relationship with yourself. And how do you know if you have a healthy relationship? Relationship with yourself? Well, you just look at your behavior. You look at the way you treat yourself. The way you treat yourself is indicative of the relationship you have with yourself, right? We, we demonstrate love through action. And so many of us, we walk around, right? We walk around with, with damage on the inside. And what happens is we end up inflicting damage on other people, whether it's intentional or unintentional. And the relationships in our life, they die by a thousand paper cuts. And then I have to bring back to life this dying relationship because relationships are where our deepest needs are met as a human being. So in that relationship, it requires a different version of you, right? It requires a version of you that's willing to go deep with somebody. And the best way to understand somebody else's pain and somebody else's darkness is to understand yours. That's what this whole process of Total Breakthrough Academy is. That's why this program is so powerful, is because you got, you got 75 guys inside of a program actively working on doing the deeper work. Number 1, I realize I'm not alone. Number 2, I find the brotherhood, the camaraderie. I find the solution. And number 3, I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm starting to open up these doors and I'm starting to look within myself and see, as I start to look within me, this gives me— this is the most advantageous thing in my life because it gives me the ability to look at other people differently. As I develop a healthy love for me, a healthy, mature love for myself, that translates into the way that I interact with the world. I can't, I can't When I'm at war with myself, I can't be at peace with the world. So in order to establish some semblance of peace externally in my life, it's not about controlling those things. It's about controlling me. It's about connecting the dots between the past experiences in my life and the things that still affect me to this day, right? My pain that operates in my life without my consent, right? Things are showing up without your permission and they're still affecting you, and you minimize them, you negate them, you suppress them, and you separate yourself from yourself, which causes you to be disconnected from you. And when you're disconnected from you, you can't connect to other people. And the problem is, is that people can't see this. That's why all the time I try to tell you guys, and you're like, man, you just keep going back to the same scenarios. I'm never talking about the surface level issue. What I'm urging you to do is invest in yourself, because this is a process Brother, that begins with you. But the ripple effect, it's never ending. Yesterday we had a check-in in the program and guys were just saying, man, like, I am so inspired because I'm noticing this change and people are picking up on this change in my life. My wife is literally noticing how different I am now and it's been such a short period of time. But I'm just thinking to myself, what is going to be the ripple effect in my life if I stay on this path, bro? And that's legacy. That's legacy. The reason you can't hear what your wife is telling you is because you're hearing it through the filter of your own pain. You can't hear what she says because you're clogged. Your ears are clogged and your eyes are blinded by your pain. So what is this whole process? It's, it's, it's an undoing. It's an unraveling of who you are. And now, right now in your life, so many guys get to that point where they're like, you know what, it's time. I've been running from these things for 30, 40 years, man, and it's time for me to do that work. So listen, if that's you, if you're ready to do that work, my question is, what's stopping you? Fear, uncertainty, the unknown. And here's the beautiful part: what's familiar, what's predictable, what's known is what feels safe, even if it isn't. So the, the sense of security that you have right now by not taking action is a false sense of security, bro. The unfamiliar, what's uncertain, what I don't know, the work that I'm not sure where it's going to take me Let me tell you right now, bro, it's gonna take you somewhere different than you are where you're at right now. My question is, why aren't you willing to go on that quest? Why aren't you willing to see where that work will take you? Because I promise you right now, it's gonna give you everything.
