Therapist Tim Arrigo shares a technique called "the mirror" for releasing anger and resentment. The method asks you to identify traits in the other person that upset you, then examine whether you've exhibited those same traits yourself. This shift from blame to self-recognition removes the other person's power over your emotions.
In my nearly 20,000 hours of clinical practice, I've developed a lot of strategies that help clients move past their resentment, their anger, their hatred, their frustration towards somebody else, towards their significant other, towards another human being. And I want to share a tool with you guys right now that I think would really benefit you, but it's only going to work if you're actually in the position of wanting to let it go, wanting to move forward, wanting to get rid of the blame, the hatred, the anger, and the animosity that you have towards somebody. Okay, so I call this technique the mirror. Okay, so basically what you need to do first is understand that all of those emotions you feel, the hatred, the anger, the frustration, is really stemming from— that's aimed at this person, right? Is really stemming from your desire for them to change, right? The reason you feel these feelings is because you're hoping that their ability to change their behavior will alleviate these feelings, right? They're— they need to do something to make me feel better. So that's the first recognition. And then, and then, so my first step is recognizing that I'm putting that power of me feeling better in their hands. Okay. When in reality that should be in my control, it should be in my possession and my control to make myself responsible and to make myself feel better. So first step is to recognize that. Second step is to recognize that first of all, what am I seeing? I got to ask myself, right? What am I seeing? What is the, what are the character traits that I'm seeing in this person that is making me feel anger, blame towards them, frustration, hatred, animosity, rage. And as you identify those traits, you might recognize maybe it's selfishness, maybe it's self-centeredness, maybe it's, um, thoughtlessness, maybe it's carelessness, maybe, um, you know, maybe they mistreated you, maybe they neglect you. Okay, so I want you to recognize what are the traits in this person. Let's say maybe it's selfishness, let's— maybe it's deceit, um, maybe It's, um, you know, lying. Okay. And the first step now is to ask yourself, okay, have you ever done any of those things? Have you ever lied? Have you ever been selfish? Have you ever deceived? Because we're all imperfect people. And see, again, most people are going to say, no, I never do that. And that's your own ego. So you've got to remove your ego here. That's the only way this works. The reality is, is that nobody's perfect. So chances are, right? I'm not talking about the specific behavior they've done. I'm talking about the character traits that fuel that behavior. I'm not talking about what they've done. I'm talking about what's behind it because it's not about what we do. It's about why we do it. It's about what's motivating it, right? What are the character traits? Now, what are the character traits I notice? And do I notice any of these character traits in myself? Because if I'm an imperfect person, then yes, obviously I do notice that. Yeah, at times it— maybe even not now, but in my past I have, right? And 9 times out of 10, if it's not going on now, you for sure should be able to acknowledge that in the past you've been selfish, you've lied, you've deceived, right? Okay, so once you've done that, then you need to ask yourself the next, next question, which is Do I like that about myself? Is that something about myself that I don't like? Well, the obvious answer to that is yes, that's something about myself that I don't like. And so immediately you'll recognize that if you can recognize it in yourself as something that you don't like and something that you've changed and you don't believe is right, then you can recognize why you're wanting to change it in somebody else, right? Why you're— why you judge it so harshly. Why you hold specific harsh feelings towards it. And what it's going to help you do is it's going to help allow you to get more in touch with the parts of yourself that you've disowned, right, that you no longer claim to be your own. But it's also going to help you do— it's just going to help you move into a position where you're recognizing that human beings are just like a mirror, okay? The ego sees duality, but consciousness sees unity, right? When you're able to see that people are just mirrors reflecting back to us parts of ourselves that we either like or dislike, right? So why this is so vital is because this helps you develop a level of acceptance over what people do. I didn't say acceptance like I'm allowing them to treat me this way. I didn't say that. I said acceptance towards not giving— not giving those things your power and letting them rent space in your head, in your life, and take away your vitality. So try this exercise next time you're holding emotions towards somebody about their behavior that you just can't let go of. And let me know in the comments how it works out.
