Tim Arrigo walks through a five-step process for managing emotional triggers with your spouse: recognize what set you off, pause and breathe, reflect on what you're perceiving, try to understand your partner's side, and take responsibility for your part.
Are you constantly getting triggered in situations with your wife? If you are, then try this 5-step process. Step number 1, recognize the trigger. We call these activating events. An activating event is any situation that triggers you. It's important that you become aware of these times in your life that I call activating events. Number 2, the pause. So after you recognize the activating event, after you recognize the trigger, you gotta pause and you gotta take a deep breath. You got to come out of your limbic system, out of your midbrain, and you got to activate your prefrontal cortex. Because guess what? When activity goes up in your limbic system, when activity goes up in your fight or flight center, activity comes down in your cortex. The only way to bring that activity back up is to take a deep breath, ground yourself, take a deep breath. It's like stubbing your toe on the edge of the couch and then holding back the profanity. You got to control the urge to react. The urge to say something has to be controlled. Step 3: digest Digest and reflect. Why are you triggered? Men are not disturbed by external events. We're disturbed by the perceptions we hold of those events. She didn't make you feel that way. You made yourself feel that way. We don't just get upset, we upset ourselves, and we stay upset because of our inflexible beliefs, our unwillingness to look at the situation differently. So why are you upset? Digest and reflect. Step 4. Empathize and seek to understand. Start to empathize. If you understand why you're triggered, you understand human beings are just like a mirror. So if you're triggered from what happened, you can discover the answer to that question, then you can start to see why she was triggered the way that she was in the situation. Empathize, seek to understand. Hold a magnifying glass up and start to have x-ray vision to look deeper into the scenario. Right? Recognizing why you're triggered can often be the opportunity to recognize why she's triggered. Step number 5, take responsibility for your part, for your part, and look for the silver lining. How could this be happening for you? What's the opportunity here? What can you appreciate about this interaction? Maybe she gets upset about me being late. I said I was gonna be home on time, but I was late. She gets upset. Maybe I can appreciate the fact that she cares about what time I get home because she wants to spend that time with me. I can recognize that why she's triggered is that she feels unappreciated when I show up late. So I can appreciate the fact that she wants me to be home on time, wants to connect with me, and that's why she got upset. Because people don't get upset when they don't care. You need to be more concerned when she doesn't get upset because that shows you what? That she's checked out. Okay? So apologize and appreciate. That's step 5. Try this out next time you get triggered. Tell me how it works.
