John talks about disclosing childhood sexual abuse to his wife after years of hiding it, and how shame kept him silent. Over eight months he's gotten sober, grown spiritually, and learned to set boundaries instead of living in secrecy. The facilitator frames speaking your truth as the path to freedom.
It's you really sharing it in a passionate way. Like, what does John look like when he gets passionate about what's going on inside of him and about the fact that he has a hard time even now to this day expressing how he really feels?
Yeah. Yeah, it's absolutely true.
And I know you're on the East Coast, so chances are that's probably one of the only ways that your wife would hear you, right? As you saw a little passion in it. Right? She saw a little, a little, a little, a little passion in John to go like, okay, all right, that's what I wanted to see, that's what I wanted to see, that's what I needed to see.
Yeah, more of a leadership quality, right? Yeah. And taking the, uh, the back seat there, it shows that you care. Yeah.
But see, a big piece of this is, is her knowing that— have you ever shared some of the stuff that you courageously shared with me today. Have you ever shared any of this with your wife? Does she know about this stuff?
Yes, I have, just, uh, recently. I mean, most of my life I didn't really— like, the, the being molested, um, I didn't— that hasn't come out. I, I didn't remember it myself until the last year or so, and all of a sudden this— these memories flooded back, like I've been suppressing them my whole life. But I did share it with her. And just recently I actually shared the person that did it. I kept that part away from her. I knew who— I know who, you know, who the person was. I told her that it happened, but I didn't share with her who it was until recently. But I have shared it.
I think a big piece of this is you need to revisit that with your wife and you need to talk to her about it again. Because what's the difference between her bringing up these behaviors that have hurt her, what she's resentful about, that for the last 8 to 12 months you haven't been engaging in and you've been changing. What's the difference between her bringing that up and you feeling shame, and you thinking about a memory of being abused as a young boy and the shame that that brings on? They're synonymous. They're almost identical. The shame that you felt from that event is almost identical to the shame that you feel when she brings up the past from things that you've done. It's bringing up the past in a way that's designed to do what? Not to support me or process anything with me, but almost as a reminder to remind me What's wrong with me? To remind me of things that I can't change, that I can't undo, things that happened. That's why the boundary has to be set. So what I'm hearing from you right now is that you're saying, I'm done living in shame, I'm done living in guilt, and secret too.
To add to that, I'm done living in secret also. Oh yeah, yeah. But I'm done living in that shame and guilt, and I don't want to live any— I don't want any secrets anymore, you know what I mean? I want to be able to— I don't want to walk around with that, that fear of being exposed for something. I, I want my life to be an open book so when somebody looks at me, it doesn't matter, you know, anymore. There's nothing— there's nothing that anybody can do to me because it's all honest and open, if that makes any sense.
That makes complete sense. And that's— you know what that's called? That's called being an empowered man. That's called being fully known. That's like putting your life on a billboard and allowing everybody in the world to just look at it and say, okay, I don't— I'm not gonna be concerned about how you feel about it. This is my story, and I'm not embarrassed about it. I'm going to tell you this right now: you probably liberated somebody today. There's probably somebody that's going to listen to this that is absolutely going to be given permission to finally talk about their stuff because you did.
Well, that would be a blessing in all of this.
But bro, 8 to 12 months of progress. Yeah, bro, 8 to 12 months of progress, 8 to 12 months of growth, 8 to 12 months of healing, 8 to 12 months of breakthrough, sobriety, on the right track, healing from these things. Brother, you should be incredibly Proud of yourself. When she brings up the past, understand it's hurt and fear. Don't attach to it that way because it's not who you are, brother. It's not. It's not who you are. Just like what happened to you then, that had nothing to define who you were as a man. That you were a victim of a crime, it didn't mean anything about your sexuality. It wasn't a mark on your character, right? A lot of times later we think like, well, I should have fought back, or I should have done something, or why didn't I do something? And then I live in the guilt of not recognizing that I was a young, scared child, that I was a victim. And brother, the fact that you survived that and have gotten to this point in your life and are here right now with 8 to 12 months of growth under your belt is a miracle. And that's because of God's hand on your life. So bro, you deserve to set that boundary. Set that boundary, own it, walk in it. And don't make it about her bringing up the past. Bring her into your world and help her understand how when she does bring those things up, what that's really about and what it really brings up in you, because that's the trigger.
Thank you, man.
Thank you, man. Thank you, man.
