A man in an unhealthy marriage is trapped by shame, guilt, and a hero complex that makes him take all the blame. The speaker argues that both partners become unhealthy in dysfunction, and that healing yourself might mean accepting you've outgrown the relationship.
The shame, the guilt, the fear, the self-loathing has just been controlling you like crazy for most of your life. Cycles of fear and guilt have controlled you, and at this point in time inside your marriage, you know you've had some maybe addictive and compulsive behaviors, maybe some self-destructive patterns in your life, and you keep falling into these cycles of shame and guilt, which actually put you in a position to actually repeat that cycle again. And you've taken so much toxic ownership of all the issues inside your marriage that you can't even see your partner's part anymore. You can't even see your wife's part. Here it is, bro. In order to be in an unhealthy relationship, you have to be unhealthy, period. There is no version of somebody is healthy in a relationship with an unhealthy person. Because it doesn't matter, right, what it is. Their behaviors might not be as obvious, but what if they shut down their feelings, if they're not honest, if they hide certain things, if they walk on eggshells? All these things are just adaptations to a dysfunctional dynamic. But the problem is, is you've been taking so much ownership and living in so much shame that you don't even realize this. It's just black and white to you. You just think that like everything is wrong with you. And you haven't even realized that a more evolved version of you might not even be compatible with your wife. A more evolved version of you might not even be compatible with your wife. Because when we're traumatized, when we have unresolved issues, we feel like we need to be the hero in somebody's life. You have that hero complex. It's like— and that— what does that do? Saving her Saving the damsel in distress gave you purpose. Beyond Driven is about you finding greatness again. World War II, those men were some of the greatest men in any generation because they fought for something. They stood for something. They were fighting for freedom. Men these days don't fight for anything anymore. They fight for things that aren't even honorable. They're not even men of valor anymore. It's like we have to fight for freedom again. We have to fight for something that has value, intrinsic worth on the inside. So brother, fight for your freedom. Fight for your freedom to choose a relationship. A healthy relationship is, I choose you. An unhealthy relationship is, I need you. I need you in my life. Stop being so externally focused. Most of your life You've been outcome-focused. All you've wanted is outcomes. All you focused on was achieving and receiving and getting and attaining and grabbing and gaining. You haven't been focused on the inside of you. You can't fix the inside from the outside. You can only fix the inside from the inside. And a lot of times you fell for that love bombing. Right? That infatuation, right? Being validated. You fell for that love bombing until you finally got devalued and discarded, and your sense of self-worth is completely enmeshed in that dynamic. And if she's with another person, you need to have some self-respect. Stop pursuing a real— why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want to be with you? What is that about? No, really, what is that about? Why do you want to be in a relationship with somebody that doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? You know what that's about? It's about you looking for your worth and value outside of yourself. It's about you not being able to stay in a position. It's like, if you're alone, then you're in— you can't be alone with yourself and the loneliness cripples you, then you're in bad company. And you know that void that you feel inside? That void isn't even caused by the absence of your wife. You know what it's caused by? The absence of the self-love that you have for yourself. It's that void, the absence of a relationship that you have with you, a healthy one, healthy, mature love for you. That void, that void that you filled with everything in the world. But it was like a bucket with holes. It never satisfied you. So step out of the toxicity, step out of the dysfunction, and realize sometimes the most evolved, healed, actualized version of you isn't compatible with traumatized people.
