Tim Arrigo argues that men in marriages often expect too much instead of focusing on giving. He urges husbands to stop feeling owed and start serving their spouses, emphasizing that selflessness and leadership improve relationships more than keeping score.
A lot of times we have a mentality where we feel like people owe us something. We feel like we are entitled to something from the world and from other people. And I see so many men in relationships and in marriages who feel like they're entitled to something. I'm entitled to this just because I'm the primary breadwinner, or just because I'm the husband, or just because I'm in this relationship, that I'm entitled to something because of it. So if I do this thing, then I want something in return. So it's not based on the actions I need to take to serve my family as a leader. It's based on the actions I need to take to reciprocate and receive something in return. So I'm telling my wife, you owe me, you owe me something. Your wife doesn't owe you. She chose you. She chose to be in the relationship with you. Meaning what? With the intention that what? It goes back and forth. The law of reciprocity is powerful, but not in the sense that I do this and I expect this in return. So the only reason that I'm doing these positive things in my marriage is in hopes that I get something back. What about if I said, I'm gonna do these positive things in my marriage? Why? Because I know that it pours into my wife, and I know in return it gives me a better relationship. In giving, there is receiving, and in receiving, there is giving. That's the gift. That's the gift in your marriage. In giving, there is receiving, and in receiving, there is giving. The receiving that you want doesn't come from what you pour into it. The receiving that you want comes from you just waking up with an entitled attitude, an entitled mindset of, you owe me, you owe me. And when we walk through our marriage and through life with this attitude of, you owe me something, then I'm always looking around and I'm looking for a handout, and I'm micromanaging everything that everybody what he does because I'm still waiting to receive something. But here's the problem: what have you done to initiate that process? What have you done to light the spark in the process of that exchange of the reciprocity in your marriage? Oh Tim, she owes me something, but I won't spend time with her. Oh Tim, she owes me something, but I neglect her. Oh Tim, 'Oh, Tim, she owes me something sexually, but I cheat on her.' 'Oh, Tim, she owes me something, but I'm not being the leader that I know I need to be, but I still feel entitled to what she owes me.' That's the trap, brother. That's the trap. That's the trap. The mindset of entitlement. Does she owe you? Does she owe you? Or do you owe yourself the opportunity to become a better man, the best version of yourself, with an attitude of, how can I best serve everybody in my life? And when I take on the mindset of how can I best serve everybody in my life today and every day that I wake up with a mindset of gratitude, and a heart full of it. The gift isn't what I provide to the people around me. The gift isn't how I lift the people up around me. Their happiness is activated by my presence. I didn't even need to say anything. I don't walk around with a mindset of dependency where I need people to give me things and they owe me things. No, I owe it to myself. So you crush the selfishness in that process. You become selfless. You become a leader. You step into what God has for you. And then guess what? Things in your relationship start to shift. There's a shift that takes place. The tectonic plates of you and your wife and the division between those two things begins to shift when you take on a mindset of, how can I serve you today, instead of you owe me something.
