Tim Arrigo talks with a man working through marital conflict, his wife's affair, and her refusal to take responsibility. They discuss childhood trauma, forgiveness, and why therapy like EMDR might help him move forward.
What are some of the things that you feel like you haven't forgiven, and what are some of the things that you feel like she hasn't forgiven? Like, when you guys do argue, what do you weaponize, and then what does she weaponize?
Okay, well, one thing that she weaponizes is back before we got married, I, I, uh, was very validation-seeking, and so there was times where I would flirt with girls or, you know, um, speak inappropriately with them. And more for validation than anything else. And then after we got married, there was no like physical affairs, but there was emotional, I guess you'd say affairs. There was behavior that was inappropriate, hanging out with girls that I shouldn't have been and stuff like that. Then what ended up happening is after we got married and I tried to like cut back all that stuff, she never got over it. We never talked about it. Kind of— so she thought I was like way more promiscuous than what I was. And she thinks I was just like screwing everybody I could, which wasn't what was happening. And so she's like very insecure in the relationship. So then what ended up happening is she ended up having an affair with someone who worked for me. And—
Physical affair or just emotional affair?
Yeah, no, it was a physical affair. And so then—
How long did that go on?
I didn't— probably 3 or 4 months. And so—
Were you aware of it when it was happening?
Not at first. Then I found out and it was like, it got pretty ugly for a minute. Once I found out, then I started talking to a girl and basically I was just talking to this girl to try to make her jealous. And the whole point was to get her back. Like, that was the whole thing. So it was like, as soon as she said she was in, I dropped that girl like a bad habit. And was right back with her. And so that is something that I still to this day, sometimes she'll just talk like she's been this perfect wife and she hasn't done anything wrong and it's all me. And so then it's like, well, what about this? You know, what about that?
Okay, let me ask you this million-dollar question here for you, brother. Does your wife have the ability to own her part in the things that she's done that's hurt you?
Not one bit. Okay, so 100% my fault. In her, in her mind, saw me— everything that she's ever done to me is due to me.
Okay, so your wife can't acknowledge that she's a fallible person?
No.
Okay, why do you think that is? Why do you think she struggles with acknowledging her own fallibility and her character defects and some of the things that she struggled with, or some of the things that she's done that's betrayed or hurt you?
Her dad wasn't in her life whatsoever, and her mom was pretty much— I mean, I guess you could say her mom was promiscuous, and her mom always had new boyfriends, and her mom would leave her home alone with her brother and sister, like at-home babysitter. And then when we, we've been dating for a little bit, her and her mom got into a fight and her mom kicked her out. So she moved with her cousin for a while and then she moved in with this— with her grandma. And it wasn't her blood grandma, but she had been in her life since she was a little girl. And so she moved in with her and her grandma never had any daughters, so she just— Kelly was everything. So she just could do no wrong. She was just perfect. And I think part of that is that. And then I think there's kind of like almost some kind of feeling like she doesn't need a man because her dad was never around, so fathers and men aren't really that important.
No, that's the way she deflects. That's it. That's a— definitely she deflects. She doesn't actually believe that. Something she wants to believe. It's— yeah. So, okay, basically what you're saying is, is that she developed this type of behavior as a way to protect herself, right? Because with any type of behaviors, with any type of behaviors, specifically with not owning your part, deflecting, not taking ownership, um, not acknowledging your own fallibility, is number one, it's you being a victim, right? It's not being an owner. But number two, it's, it's narcissistic, and it's the refusal to self-examine. Now, I'm not saying at all she has a personality disorder, but what I am saying is that we all have to some degree narcissistic tendencies and deflecting and not owning your part is, is one. It's, it's the denial, right, that I have struggles, that I'm fallible, that I make mistakes, that I hurt people, and that even if it's unintentional, that that happens because I'm a human being and I'm not impervious to mistakes or doing wrong, right? I fall short. So when we go through traumatic events in our childhood, a lot of times we all know that, right, narcissistic behaviors stem from traumas. And what happens is we develop a personality, a personality trait or a pattern where we, we protect ourselves from shame, from guilt, from feelings of humiliation, humiliation or vulnerability. We protect ourselves from those feelings with protective mechanisms. So what I'm hearing from you is that your wife can't own her part because she can't cope with the shame and guilt that's there, probably because of what that's tied to. I think that it's like you're opening up a can of worms, and if you open up that can of worms, I think she prefers to just keep the lid on it. So what can you do to support your wife and her getting the help that she needs? Is she open to therapy? Is she open to doing some EMDR? Is she open to investing time and energy into looking at herself at all.
