Tim Arrigo gives wives a script for when their husband gets defensive or angry. Start by affirming love, then give him permission to feel fear and hurt without losing masculinity. Ask how you can support him, and frame vulnerability as strength.
If you're a wife who has a husband that gets reactive and can't control his emotions, try this. When he begins to get defensive and raise his voice, I want you to tell him that you love him so much. I want you to remind him to give himself his best. Remind him that giving himself his best is crucial to his health and success. Don't blame him. Don't shame him. Don't scold him. Don't label him. Give him permission to open up about what he's feeling. Give him permission to process what he's going through and manage his anger. Remind him that he's a cycle breaker. Remind him that he's a good man and that you want him to learn to open up with you. Tell him it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to feel these emotions from time to time. It's okay to feel hurt. And that owning his emotions doesn't make him weak or less of a man. Give him permission. Tell him that you see him, that you love him, that you want to be there for him. Because he's not angry, he's just upset that he doesn't know any way to process his emotions in any other way than getting angry. He's not sure what he's feeling. Allow him to learn the process of vulnerability. Because you might be the only person in his life that can help him do that. Just hold space for this man. Remind him that he's stressed and ask him how you can support him in processing his emotions, because what he's feeling— revealing what he's feeling is going to be the beginning to healing. Vulnerability is the portal to transformation. And I want you to know you might be the only person in this man's life that can help facilitate this. And I get it, I know you're hurt, but create space for him so he can create space for you. Because most men are living quiet lives of desperation, and they're afraid to open up because they— makes it— makes them feel like they're weak and they're less of a man. Remind him today that there's strength in vulnerability, and that vulnerability will mold him into iron, and that you're there to help him facilitate the process of him becoming a multi-dimensional man.
