Tim Arrigo argues that parents are their children's primary coping skill. He urges caregivers to model self-regulation, show empathy, and take responsibility for their emotional availability rather than blaming the child.
What so many parents aren't realizing is that you are the coping skill. The real reason that your child is acting out is because they're not having emotionally available parents who can help them self-regulate. See, your self-destructive behaviors, your kids are watching that. And through observational learning, let me tell you right now, your kids are probably going to pick up on the exact same coping skills that they're watching you use to regulate your emotions. So what's the responsibility of a parent? To get on one knee, to look your child in the eye, to ask them how they're feeling, to show empathy to them, and to help them understand what they're feeling, why they're feeling the way they are, and what to do with those feelings. And if you don't know what you're feeling, why the— you're feeling the way you are, or what to do with your feelings, how are you going to teach that to your kid? Your kid's not acting out because they're just a troubled kid or they're having a difficult time right now, or they're your problem child. See, that's putting the responsibility and the blame on the child. Emotionally healthy parents take ownership and they realize that them and their behaviors have influence and effect on the child and their behaviors. So don't be a parent who continues to blame your child when they're acting out, when you know deep down inside that you're not living at your full potential and you're not emotionally available and fully present for them.
