You Built the Life Everyone Envied, But...

Seeking external validation is always connected to what? Lacking what?

Self-worth.

Correct.

Yeah, man.

And I'll tell you right now, I've worked with some of the most successful people in all of America, literally some of the top performers in America. And I'll tell you, they got the greatest life from the outside looking in. You get under the hood on that thing and you'll see it's not the life that you actually wanted. All right, Ken, welcome to the show, brother. What do you got for me?

Oh well, I'm glad to be here.

Well, I'm, uh, glad you're here.

Uh, is kind of finding himself a lot on social media. I know it can be a blessing, it can be a curse, and I'm just asking myself how much is of this is controlling my life when other guys can put it down, put it away. And I keep justifying, struggling in my head, is this— when's enough and when is too much? When is this, uh, this medium controlling me? And that's, uh, what I'd like to explore with you today.

Yeah, talk to me about it. So social media related, seeking validation on social media?

Probably, yeah. Yes, yes is the answer.

What do you do?

Uh, I'm probably— it's not porn related. I know guys will do that and look at girls. I mean, I— for me, it is just, uh, I have a long extended time of work, so day after day, I think it's maybe some of it is in boredom, um, and I just don't get that social interaction where I for the type of job I'm doing. So this is—

what are you doing when you're on there?

Probably posting, look at other people's lives and how they're living it, and going, gosh, they got— look at the lifestyle they've got. They just went on a vacation, or they bought this car, or whatever. I'm like, is this checking with me? Am I, am I really living this glamorous life as they lead? You know, looks good, right? But, um, so you're not looking at anything inappropriate on social media, gal? No, I'm not digging into relationships and that. I might look at a woman and like, okay, all right, that's cool. But no, not No, not, not that way.

Okay, so the, the issue that you have with social media is you comparing yourself to other people?

That's, that'd be correct.

Is that the only thing?

I just think it's a— when I look back and I get the max of 2 hours and I go, what did I do with this 2 hours that I spent scrolling, doom scrolling, or clicking links? What is this giving me? How's this bettering my life? And I just feel like it's a, it's a sinkhole. I just don't get a return out of it, but at the same time, I need to figure out a way to replace that with something better. So I just feel a waste of time has gone into it day after day, hour after hour.

Well, I can tell you, with, you know, obviously, you know, my reach on social media with over millions of followers on social media across all platforms, with a lot of Beyond Driven material relating around social media platforms, I can tell you that was something I encountered early on and had to learn to capture and take control of. And the way that that's done is, have you ever done a 30-day fast off of social media?

I haven't done a 3-day fast. I'll start with 3, but no. Yeah.

So my recommendation right away is do a fast. Delete all the apps off your phone.

Put 'em to rest.

Delete 'em.

Delete. Okay.

Yeah. Delete 'em off your phone because the problem with it is you're wiring your reward system to seek instant gratification. And that's ultimately the time that you spend doing that. That's time that you could be spending doing so many other things. That's why I have, you know, virtual assistants and other team members manage and monitor a majority of the social media. I don't really get on there much at all.

Mm-hmm. I mean, for me, I saw it as a blessing. I, I would have not found Beyond Driven without social media.

True.

True.

But the algorithm, well, the algorithm probably would've found you anyways, and so would God, probably would've put the video in front of you some way or another. True. Um, okay. When you're on social media, you're looking and you're scrolling. You said you're com— you're comparing yourself to other people in the lifestyle they have. Is that the only thing you're doing?

I'm putting things up there to get validation, whether it be something I've done.

Yeah. Yeah. So you're seeking validation.

Oh yeah. And it feels good. It's like, uh, I don't know, a shot, a drink. Uh, I don't do drugs, but it, it, it feels good when you get that like, it's just like, woo, man, I've got up to 16 likes today, man. I must have put something good out there. That they like, and then, yeah, it just starts— it starts building, and you're like, wow, I must have done this right, and I want to reinforce that tomorrow. I want to have the same good feeling that I have. So it kind of brings you back, like, oh, better do it again, got to feel it again today, right?

So the real question is, then, then how would you overcome that? Because if you're seeking external validation, seeking external validation is always connected to what? Lacking what?

Self-worth.

Correct.

So I thought I was good enough myself. Why do I need others to tell me Ken's in check? He's good.

Yeah, man. And I'll tell you right now, I've worked with some of the most successful people in all of America, literally some of the top performers in America. And I'll tell you, they got the greatest life from the outside looking in. You get under the hood on that thing and you'll see it's not the life that you actually wanted. Because in the word it says, right? What does it pay a man, right? To win the world and lose his soul in the process. Everything that is material, is temporal. And those things aren't even the things that people actually want. They want the feeling they think, they think those things are going to give them. People don't want a house on the beach in Newport Beach with a Ferrari, right? And right, they don't want those things. They want the feeling they think those things are going to give them. And then you wake up with those things one day and you, it's just a car and it's just a house and it doesn't really have any depth or meaning.

Yeah, that's all it is really. It's crazy.

You recently came out of a divorce, right?

I did. 23-year marriage. Okay. Let's talk about that. Okay.

How'd that damage you or hurt you?

Ripped me apart. Everything I had built up and thought that life at my age would look a lot different than this. I'd be married. My kids would be talking to me. I'd be going on vacations. I had a— I had a building, I had a business, I had a job. I was doing everything I wanted to do. Driven beyond anything else. Work was my escape. And for me, it was, uh, it was a calling I'd made 15 years ago that I wanted to change careers. And I recognized that the wife that I had married then didn't sign on for that. She thought she was marrying a businessman. Here I am running a medical sales company and have staff and a website and people all over the country buying product for me. And I just wasn't fulfilled one day and decided to make a career change into public safety, i.e., firefighter. And, uh, she didn't like it. And, uh, I pursued it and thinking that would be my fulfillment. And it was, it wasn't hers. Uh, we separated. Many in my career, uh, have this job, find it very difficult to manage home life and ended very ugly. Lots of money thrown at it, a lot of attorneys and it broke me and broke me to the core. Everything that I had built up and thought I'd have today is, is, was changed.

And so let's identify something. You already had the company, the website, you already had the success, correct?

Correct.

But then why'd you want to make the career change?

More of a calling that I just didn't want a desk job. I wanted something to challenge me on every level, physically, mentally, emotionally.

So yeah, you know what most people in a Ferrari don't have? Deep sense of purpose. A lot of people— I know a lot of people, hyper-successful people, multi-millionaires, hundreds of millions of dollars— lack purpose, lack calling, lack a mission. They lack something greater than them. That's why they go for those things, and then they use those things to overcompensate for what's actually missing, which is a sense of worth and value underneath. So here's the irony: why would you want to go back to something that you already realized wasn't the pathway for you?

Just refusing to open my eyes and get attuned, or—

well, I would say probably because you assumed that lacking those things is a part of the reason why you can't have the life or the relationship that you want, is that you have to have those things in order to quote unquote be a success. So what does success mean to you? What is being a success? What is that?

Well, after a lot of reflection, I think it comes down to just be at peace. I'm at a point in my life where somebody has to compliment me. I, I'm in a— I am more secure than I've ever been in the last 6 months, working on myself, working on the inside out. Is— I don't need the validation that I once needed, that feeling insecure, lack of self-worth. Going back to what makes Ken happy, you know, the things that I was taught— growth mindset, always learning, always bettering, study yourself, improve yourself, be a better person. Things are happening for me. So now that I look back on all these things that were going on, and it was bad. When to talk about got to the point of suicide, I had no support. The wife was literally ready to call and, uh, commit me, and she wasn't there to lift me up. And I recognized that God saved me at that point.

And when you look back on the marriage, did you realize you weren't compatible with her?

I do. I think there was a lot of, uh, things that that drove us apart, but I sought work and work was my escape. Just go to work.

Go back to what you said though. You said, cuz she wanted a businessman and not a firefighter, right?

That's right.

Right. But you had decided that being a businessman wasn't your calling and that being a fighter, fire— firefighter was. So ultimately, if she was attracted to the things that you had and not the vision that you had, then why would you want to go back to having things to attract somebody else just like that in the future, only end up in the same situation you were already in?

It's a tough one to go back, but past is the past. As I look at it, I mean, I, I get it.

No, no, no, no, no. Think about this. Just take this in. If your ex-wife only wanted to be with you because the things you had, and big part of that is how ugly the divorce was, fighting for things, material. If that's the main reason why she wanted to be with you and didn't want to support you through the career change for you to follow your calling, and you guys were very externally focused, then why would you want to continue to be externally focused and inevitably only attract attract somebody that is attracted to you because of the external again, only to set yourself up to be in the exact same position you were already in with your ex-wife? Yeah, make any sense? Why would I— that's like, I already learned that lesson. The best women that you'll ever attract in your entire life are attracted to you not because the things you have, but because of who you are. Do you want a woman that's attracted to you because you got a red Ferrari, or do you want a woman that's attracted to you because you're a man of purpose with dignity, integrity, respect? Honor and valor?

The latter, right?

You know how many good women out there would die to be with a self-actualized, self-realized firefighter who's a man of purpose, who's living in his calling?

Well, therein is the problem. I'm not out on the dating scene. It's taken a lot of self-reflection to go back and say, hey, I'm worthy of somebody's love.

Bro, do you know how rare that is? Do you know how many women out there are literally desperately seeking a guy like that?

I haven't ran the numbers.

There's a lot.

Good amount.

There's a lot. There's a lot of women who would love to be in a relationship with a man who's emotionally intelligent, emotionally mature, is self-aware, has empathy, is a good communicator, can resolve conflict. Let's go back to the things you said. My passion and my purpose to always be better, right? To pursue being better. How can I be a better man? I worked on my self-worth. I've mended the wounds. I've worked on those things. Brother, those things right there make you 100 times more attractive to a good woman that you want in your life than you having a bunch of material stuff. You are more primed right now to meet the woman of your dreams and for her to meet the man of her dreams right now than ever. But you could miss that opportunity instantaneously if you go back to the same patterns that you've already proven don't bring the things that are actually compatible with you into your life. So don't do it. Don't get sold out on cheap thrills. Don't go for fish in a barrel. Don't go for what's easy. You have to put the 8 ball in the corner pocket, but it's a hard shot, but you can do it. You can do it, but it starts with you having the faith to know that this will produce results in your life. Why do you think you're missing the faith to know that it will produce the results you want in your life? I.e., the future, the feeling, the relationship.

Maybe some of the, some of it is scary, I guess, what's out there.

I mean, what does, what does fear represent?

Unknowns.

Correct. Let me ask you this. How many times have you gone to work and that alarm goes off and you jump inside the, the truck and you're headed to a fire or, or a scene and you're walking into the unknown?

Deal with it every day.

Every single day. Absolutely. Every single day as a firefighter, you walk into the unknown.

You don't know what you're gonna get.

Never. And think about this, you chose to do that.

Absolutely. No regrets.

No regrets. So every single day you feel fear, but you walk into the unknown regardless of it. So you overcome fear. You're courageous because it takes courage to walk into the—

I could do it for the job, but I don't do it in seeking out someone else where I'm—

Yeah. Yeah. And you know what's crazy is you can do it in that area, but you don't think it's synonymous in other areas of your life. You just gotta put yourself out there and you gotta know, brother, like, you're in a great place right now. Like, you are a catch. You're a catch. There are good women, women out there actively seeking men who are on a personal development, personal growth journey like you, living in alignment with their calling, learn from their lessons, and want to be a better man.

I think the term I heard is multidimensional is attractive to women.

The multi-dimensional man. Yeah, fully comprehensive. And you're there, like, you're on your way. And I would say this, I'd be very mindful and very selective because guess what? Here it is, you ready for it? You have options now. You know what's funny is guys with the red Ferrari, they think they got options. I could get any chick I want. No, you can't. No, you can't. Now you'll continue to attract the same women that are only attracted to you because of the things that you flash. Because that's where your sense of worth is established. And guess what your relationship ends up being? Because I know, because I've talked to hundreds of these guys, empty and hollow at the end of the day. I'm not saying you can't have a red Ferrari and having a, have an amazing marriage. That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is when the red Ferrari is the thing that gives you a sense of worth and the thing that you use to overcompensate for your lack of worth and the thing that you use, right, as a hook, right, to try to bring people into your life, to try to flash what you have and to try to attract them into your life, right? Don't be surprised when your relationships are meaningless, empty, and hollow, and people only want from you what you can give them, not who you are. And you don't want that. No, you already came from that. So don't shoot yourself in the foot, man, and do what you already did again. Don't go back into the loop of doom. Don't.

Got it. Yeah. Just the unknown. I, I, part of me feels I'm ready to explore a relationship, but it's just a little trepidation, little bit of doubt, little bit of Dating has changed quite a bit. I mean, when you get married in 2000 and it's 2025, the rules of engagement are a little bit different. And we've got a lot of, a lot of different things at force here, a lot at play. Um, and I bring some things to it, you know, yeah, I was left with two, two girls, 22 and 15. So somebody's going to have to accept the fact that I had children in a prior marriage. So it's not everybody's catch, but it is what it is. And I'm not going to apologize.

I would say most, most people do. Most people, most people know if you got two daughters that are, it's not like you're taking care of infants at home.

Right.

You know what I mean? And let's acknowledge something else. You got a great relationship with your daughters, man. You have a good thing with your daughters. Your daughters love their dad.

Love to see more of them, but we're working on that. And the program's brought me a long ways. Yeah.

And you have been working on that. And bro, let's talk about it.

They've seen it. They've seen it. Of course they have.

And let's talk about how hard that is and how, and like, who wouldn't feel like a hole in their heart and feeling like they're not being the best dad that they could be when they don't get to see their kids as much as they wanted, when so much of that's out of your control and you've done the best you could with what you have.

Absolutely. Yeah, definitely a hole, but you just keep being, showing up, being present, being kind, being understanding.

And do you work out?

Uh, oh yeah.

Okay.

I get paid to work out. So let's just say that, bro. Yeah, it's easy.

You're saying physically active, physically fit. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Prime. Absolutely.

Do you take care of yourself?

Absolutely do.

100%.

Health is number one.

Health is number one.

Can't do this job, uh, slacking, sitting back and on a couch.

Not possible. Absolutely not. Not gonna happen.

No.

You're a firefighter, man. You gotta carry people outta room. I mean, you, you have to carry equipment that is incredibly the arduous task of just getting the equipment.

Is tools, ladders, climbing hills, hose lays, all of that.

All of it.

It'll snap you off if you're not, if you're not in condition.

Yeah. And you'll get heckled hard, hard by the guys if you're not on point.

Absolutely. Yeah.

They're not gonna want you on the crew.

Exactly.

So how about, uh, emotionally, mentally, right? Are you on a growth journey? Are you on a path? Are you in a good place?

I am. I'm on the right trajectory for sure. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Yeah. And how about spiritually?

Spiritually? I think so too. Every, every morning it's, it's filled with prayer and gratitude and waking up and saying, life is for me right now. All the, whatever's coming before me is, is gonna grow. I'm gonna grow and I'll overcome anything that's thrown at me. And that's the power of that mindset is just positivity and yeah, it's just been real helpful to have.

Yeah, you know when you're scrolling social media and, you know, when you, uh, hit the home button again and it comes to the top and then you kind of pull your thumb down, it refreshes, right? Right. And what does it do? What does it show you?

Latest post, right? Or the— yeah, most recent.

Yeah, you know what you're looking at when you look in the mirror? You're looking at an old feed and you need to refresh that page, bro. You need to pull that thumb down. You need to refresh that page. And you need to look at what you're actually looking at today, because I'm sure the version of you that you see is not actually the version of you that you are anymore. You've changed, man. You've changed. You've come a long way. You've grown. You're not the guy you used to be, bro.

Absolutely.

And you should be so proud of that. And you should feel so confident in that to know, like, man, like, I am rare. And I, and like, I am a catch. And I do have options. And why am I over here comparing myself to somebody else and thinking that they have it better than that? They have some type of life that I— no, no. What am I talking about? And, and, and sometimes, man, it does feel like a needle in a haystack looking for a good woman. I know because when I met Nicole, it felt like that. And I was coming outta something super toxic and unhealthy at that time. My first marriage was an absolute wreck. So I know the feeling, but it happens when you least expect it, man. And it happens when you walk into the unknown, just like you do every day. As a hero, as a first responder. You do it every day, bro. All you gotta do is just keep doing it.

Sometimes you find things when you're least looking, I've heard. Yep.

That's how it happens. Next thing you know, you're at a restaurant, you meet somebody. Next thing you know, you're at church, you meet somebody. Next thing you know, you, you, you least expected and you meet somebody when you weren't planning on it. And a lot of times when you're not planning on it and you're not looking for it, that's the best time. Because you're a whole person who's able to show up with that to that person, not needing them to do something for you so you can feel better, but showing up to the relationship and ready to— whole people ready to meet each other. And you have, you have all the awareness now from what you learned prior, and you know what you're looking for, and you know what the red flags are, and you know what warning signs are, and you know what green lights are.

I, I like the compliments when I go to work and people say, Ken, there's you just are so much calmer and you're more present and engaged, and we see a different guy in you. So what is it you're doing? You know, what, what, what are you taking? You told me you're taking this coaching thing. And for those that want to hear it, I tell them, and the others, I just take it as a compliment. Well, thank you, bro. That's, that's great. I'm glad you see it. So across the board, uh, every— work with a lot of different crews and get moved to different stations. So I'll, I'll interact with probably 20 different guys on a, on a, on a tour and like, wow, this, this is, this is a different guy that we used to know.

It's been an honor to have you, man. And you've grown so much and you're gonna continue to grow. And let me tell you, man, sometimes the problem is, is that we just haven't got to the other side to experience the fruit yet. And so we don't know what it's like until we've been there. You can't, I mean, it, it's hard to explain to somebody. What it's like to be 5 feet away from 50-foot flames unless you've been there.

True. Yeah.

And, and until you're in that new relationship, it's hard to explain to somebody like, hey man, just hang on, you'll get there, trust me, it's coming, brother. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when with you. It's not a matter of if you're going to meet another person that's gonna— no, that's— no, it's a matter of when because you are.

I do. I don't know who she is. I don't know where she is. I don't know if it's tomorrow, if it's next week or next month, but I'm in no hurry. I'm gonna just keep showing up as the guy that is a man I admire and want to be and be truthful, be honest, be real, and, uh, see what God gives me.

That's it. How could that not work out?

I don't know there's anything wrong with that plan at all.

Yeah, how could that not work out, man? I mean, That, how could that plan not work out? Of course it's gonna work out.

Yeah. There's no sabotage on that one.

Yeah. Look at what you said. Like that was not unreasonable at all. Like, no, anybody could get behind that and go, yeah, I mean, I'll back that. Yeah, I would.

Sure.

So brother, you need to have a conversation with yourself in the mirror where you look in the mirror and you realize what you're looking, what's looking back at you, who's looking back at you, who you actually are. Toggle that page, refresh your feed, and take a look at what you're actually looking at. And don't identify yourself through what you don't have or where you should be or where you would be or where you could be or what's missing or, or, you know, you need to look at who you actually are today and how that guy is probably a guy that you haven't stopped to recognize how far he's come and the victories that he's accomplished.

Absolutely. No question. I've dug myself out of a hole and being at a bottom, eh, wasn't fun, but knowing that there was still something inside of me to live for and strive for. I'm never done setting goals. I'm always trying to look for the next goal, but not chase money, not chase status. It's just drive. Driven.

Now you became the goal. You took your focus off everything. You became the goal. And, bro, thanks for coming on.

Absolutely, Tim. Been a pleasure.

Been an honor.