Tim Arrigo identifies seven psychological masks men wear in marriage: the chameleon, people-pleaser, martyr, problem-solver, perfectionist, and others. Dropping these masks through vulnerability and honesty is the only way to build real intimacy with your wife.
This is how you create every problem in a marriage. Yes, every problem. This is how you initiate every problem. This is how you perpetuate every problem. And this is how you exacerbate every single problem. And it's by doing one thing, and it's wearing a mask, wearing a psychological mask. See, the mask is a false identity. It's a false identity that you want other people to buy into because it's the exact opposite of how you really reference yourself internally. See, the mask is a defense mechanism. Prevents you from feeling certain emotions, showing certain parts of your shadow and aspects of yourself that you've dismissed, repressed, suppressed, denied, and avoided. That's why you use the chameleon mask, adapting to fit in wherever you go, not standing up for what you truly believe in. You become a follower and seek acceptance, and you seek belonging rather than truth and honesty. The ple— people pleaser mask. You constantly give in to what other people want. You feel responsible for their emotions. You walk on eggshells to avoid being honest and opening up about how you really feel out of fear of abandonment, fear of conflict. The martyr mask, where you place everybody's needs before your own, even to the point where self-sacrifice just becomes a way of life, neglecting yourself on a daily basis to try to receive love and care from other people. But it backfires on you. Striving for that validation, that recognition, that appreciation. It's like a carrot on the end of the stick that you never get. The I'm fine mask. Acting like your emotions are not important, not valid, not deserving of discussion, acknowledging, or processing. The bravado mask. You use this bravado mask to overcompensate for how inferior and inadequate that you actually feel within, and that you see vulnerability as a sign of weakness, not a sign of strength. So you perpetuate this bravado mask. The problem solver mask. You use it to project a sense of capability, competency. And intelligence. You can handle any problem that comes your way, and you're the go-to guy with all the solutions. Yet the irony is you're the one that everybody comes to for answers to problems, yet you can't solve the biggest problem in your life, which is the one in your marriage. The perfectionist mask. You project an image of perfection to the world, You were probably overcritical of yourself, and I guarantee somebody else was overly critical of you. What are you covering up? What are you covering up? Because guess what, brother? You can't heal when you use a mask because you can't be honest about who you really are. You can't be authentic. You can't truly connect with other people. You have more acquaintances than you do actual friends. The mask prevents you from a state of self-acceptance, state of honesty with yourself. So instead, you let your ego keep you in this denial, this anger, this defensiveness, this judgment. And guess what? Lying Lying, lying about everything in your life becomes the defense mechanism of this masked personality, this masked man. When are you going to take ownership of who you really are? When are you going to learn to be vulnerable? Iron sharpens iron. One man sharpens the countenance of another man. The countenance is his facial expression. See, when you're inauthentic, you can't be vulnerable, and you can't heal. You can't improve your life. You can't conquer what you don't confront. You can't defeat what you can't define. So let me ask you this: How much longer do you want to keep making the real you invisible?
