Your Personal Development Impacts Relationship Success

What's going on, guys? Thanks for joining me. So, uh, thanks for joining me on tonight's live. It's been a minute. Glad to, glad to be back. Glad to be with you guys. So tonight I want to talk about how your personal development journey is directly correlated to the level of success inside your intimate relationships. Now, obviously Sometimes we don't see the relationship between the two. We don't see the relationship between our personal development process and the success of our relationship. So sometimes we think that, you know, we have a situation, we have a problem inside our relationship, when in actuality the problem isn't a problem inside of our relationship. It's a problem inside of us as men. It's a problem inside of the way that I show up as a man. Now, how do I change my marriage? I say this all the time. I change my marriage by changing the man that shows up to the marriage. See, if I change the man that shows up to the marriage, I get a different marriage because I'm changing the man in terms of his emotional intelligence. What is emotional intelligence? It's relationship management. It's self-awareness. It's empathy. It's social skills. It's— your emotional intelligence is your ability to understand what you feel and see. Mastery comes from mastering your emotions. Most people are a slave to their emotions because they don't have emotional intelligence. So my emotional intelligence, number 1. How about number 2? My mindset. See, a lot of times what causes issues inside the relationship is our own cognitive distortions. What are cognitive distortions? Cognitive distortions, what they are actually is they're a system of irrational thoughts. So they're irrational thoughts that can have significant impacts on our emotions, right? The cognitive triangle, which goes back to Aaron Beck, cognitive behavioral therapy, which is how you think influences how you feel, how you feel influences what you do. And what you do influences how you think. You can only have mastery over those 3 things in your life. Anything other than those 3 things you can't control, you can only influence. So you can only really control 3 things in your life— how you think, how you feel, and what you do. How you think, how you feel, and what you do. The problem in relationships is most people are trying to control the external. Now, our relationships oftentimes reflect our own level of personal development. So we enter a relationship with somebody and either A, we're going to grow together, or B, I'm going to outgrow this relationship. So if I change the man that shows up to the marriage, I have the ability to then influence my partner, influence my wife to what? Make the changes. But you have to take the lead as the man. Well, my wife isn't changing. That's because you're supposed to take the initiative. I don't know, call me crazy, I'm old school. I believe that a man's supposed to take the lead. I believe that a man shouldn't make excuses. I believe that a man shouldn't have to use his wife's behavior as a scapegoat to justify, rationalize, and minimize his role and the significance of him being the leader. I know, call me crazy if you don't agree with it. Well, this probably isn't for you. So we want to change your emotional intelligence. Changing your emotional intelligence changes the way that you show up to the relationship. Obviously inside the Total Breakthrough Academy, inside my private coaching program with all my coaches, the live calls that we do, the content, the app, the course, everything that we put you through for the 90 days is all designed to do what? Give you the total blueprint, total breakthrough blueprint. See, as men, I don't know if you guys can agree with this. Type in the comments if you agree with this, because this is how I got stuck in therapy for 10 years. How many of you guys can relate to this? You go to therapy and you get zero results because all you ever do is talk. You go to marriage counseling, you get zero results because all you ever do is talk, complain, argue, fight, and then it creates ammunition for what? Another argument. How many guys can agree with that? Absolutely. So many guys can agree with that. So what happens is inside the relationship What happens is you have issues inside the relationship that exists within each person that's in that relationship. And what happens is it just manifests inside the relationship. It manifests inside the relationship. Why? Why? Because the relationship is where your deepest needs are met as a human being. So You go into therapy, you're not given a game plan, you're not given direction, you're not provided any instructions, you're not provided the blueprint. All you're doing is just talking. See, that's a first good— that's a, that's a good first step for a lot of men because a lot of men are walking around with the facade and, uh, their character and the way they speak is a true reflection of who who they really are and how they really feel about themselves. See, men with confidence don't need to put other people down. Men with true confidence and true self-esteem don't need to talk down to other people. They're not some telephone tough guy. They don't need to get tough on a keyboard. They don't need to try to pretend like they're someone they're not. They just emanate that confidence. They electrify the room because they carry it. They emanate it because it comes from within and it's authentic, and people feel that, and they can organize around that energy. So for men, right, to finally talk about our issues is a huge first step. A lot of guys realize, right, you can't heal what you hide. So talking and opening up is a vital component to getting better. But invariably what happens is sometimes we start talking and as men we're like, wait, where is this going? I want to talk— I don't want to talk anymore. I want to solve it. And the blueprint that we created to solve it is all about 3 phases. Number 1, it's about excavation. It's about identifying and extracting the root cause of the issue and igniting momentum to solve it. Igniting momentum to solve it. So the first step for you guys is what? Identifying the problem and pain, which most people live in denial about. What is the problem and pain? So it's the number 1 problem or series of problems that are causing the most pain in your life. All of which do not exist outside of you. All of these problems, guys, exist within you. They all exist within you. And a majority of them are survival mechanisms that you developed in order to survive or develop mastery over specific environments earlier in your life. And you carry that into an intimate relationship. So exploring the problem and pain needs to happen first. We can leave no stone unturned in the creation of your new self. I don't know about how many guys are trying to change or trying to create your new self, but I know when I was trying to create my new self— and believe me, believe me, I'm still a work in progress— but believe me, if you saw me 10 years ago, probably wouldn't even recognize me. So the creation of your new self, the first step to that process is excavation. Now, what is excavation? Right? What is excavation? It's— I'm digging at the root. How does an archaeological dig take place? Well, an archaeologist doesn't just show up at the site and start taking a backhoe into the ground, right? Shovels into the ground. He first does what? He looks, he surveys the land, he determines where he's going to dig, and he starts to flag off an area. And when he flags off that area, he begins to dig slowly, meticulously, methodically, to do what? To uncover things that have always been there that you could not see with the naked eye. That is the excavation process, guys. It's about uncovering those root issues. We all have root causes. It's not about what we do, it's about why we do it, and there's always a root to why we do what we do. So first is that. Then number 2 is examining. It's looking at my brain and body, the thoughts I think, the emotions I feel, the behaviors I engage in. It's about looking at my habits and helping myself get clear about the process of how to engage my brain and what's called neuroplasticity. Plasticity, the ability to rewire my brain over time, meaning same situation happens, but I do something different and I get a different result. We don't change through information. A book doesn't change your life. You know what does? Experience. And you know what you can't teach? You can't teach resilience. You can't teach resilience, just like you can't teach spirituality or spiritual experience. It's an experience. Right? Reading a book about a firearm is different than actually shooting one. Reading a book about building a Harley is different than actually wrenching on one, right? To actually experience transformation in our lives, we have to be able to deploy specific techniques into specific situations to create different results. If I'm walking around with the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same experiences, the same behaviors, Well, what's going to happen is I'm going to continue to be the same person with the same outcomes, with the same chemical expression. I'm going to be addicted to a version of myself that I hate. And I can tell you right now, a lot of years of my life, I was addicted to a lot of things. But one thing I was definitely addicted to was a version of myself that I hated. Waking up every day in self-loathing and misery, taking it out on everybody around me. Let me tell you right now, my number one addiction was anger. I was addicted to anger. I was addicted to the feeling, the rush, the adrenaline rush, the cortisol, the adrenaline, the endorphin rush that I would get from my angry outbursts. And the anger was addictive, and I couldn't help it, right? I'm taking out my anger on everybody around me. I'm taking out my anger, and the anger is getting me in trouble, right? The anger is not a good thing for me, and it became very detrimental for me because I started to sabotage things in my life that I loved and cared about. So number 1, you got to excavate. So in the excavation process, I'm exploring. I'm digging out the root cause. I'm examining my brain and body. I'm also doing a self-inventory. Once I get clear— absolutely, anger addiction— once I get clear about what the root issues are, And how— then I have to get clear about how do they show up in my life today without my permission, without my consent? How do these things show up in my life without my consent? In the form of my emotional reactions, in the form of my vices, my self-destructive behaviors, in the form of my negative self-talk, in the form of my relationships, my conflict resolution, how I empathize with other people, how I resolve conflict. So how do these things show up? Helping me connect the past to the present moment, therefore becoming conscious, becoming aware. And that allows me to do what? You ready for it? Here it comes. Ready for it? To step outside of the matrix. That allows you to step outside of the matrix. Every single guy, thousands of guys have come through the Total Breakthrough Academy. Been doing this for over a long, long over a decade. Thousands of guys that come through the Academy, right? What do they, what do they say? What do they experience? Well, they experience is like an awakening. And this is something you can't teach. The guy has to have an experience. He has to be able to do the work. He has to be committed. He has to be, he has to be in a position where he's willing to look at himself and be open-minded to the reality that maybe everything that he thinks needs to be challenged, right? And I'm going to tell you right now, a good clinician, a good clinician, a good coach, a good therapist will challenge you, will challenge you. I don't know about you, but I don't, I don't want to be coddled. I didn't want to be coddled. Tell me the cold hard truth, man. And that's why for me personally, I don't sugarcoat anything. I just try to give you guys the raw, unadulterated truth because that's what worked for me. That's what worked for me, and that's the way I— that's the relationship I have with myself. I'm sorry, I can't do anything other than tell the truth when it comes to personal development and what's required. So that first phase, that first process is about excavation, identification of the root issue, right? So I can solve it. All right, number 2 is about engineering. It's about getting you in alignment. Okay, so there's something called cognitive dissonance. Okay, cognitive dissonance. Now, what is cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is when you have a belief system that contradicts your behaviors. So you have beliefs that contradict your actions. So I believe that I should be a good father, but maybe I neglect my children. Or I believe that using drugs and alcohol is a negative behavior, but I continue to use them. Or maybe I believe that infidelity is unhealthy and destroys relationships, but I keep engaging in it. Right? So what this does, what this dissonance does, is number 1, it creates disharmony. It creates a disconnection with yourself, basically, where you are not in alignment, where you are thinking something, believing something, but acting in a contradictory way to your own beliefs. And the only way out of that is to either A, change your behaviors, or B, lie to yourself. Here comes the lies. Here comes the self-manipulation. Right? Here comes the self-deception. Here comes the bargaining. Here comes the comparing. Here comes the justifying, rationalizing, minimizing. And what I'm doing is I'm trying to talk myself out of the fact that I feel shame about what I'm doing. See, shame— let's talk about shame. Shame is a very, very, very powerful emotion because it motivates me to change. Let me ask you this. If you didn't feel shame about your negative behaviors, would you ever be willing to change? You would never modify any negative behavior in your life if it did not cause shame. See, shame reminds me, it teaches me who I'm not supposed to be. It shows me that I'm acting— that I'm not acting in alignment with the version of me that I want to be. The shame is a powerful thing. It's like a hookup from a higher version of me. It's a hookup from God, the Holy Spirit, my conscience that's telling me, hey, you're not walking in alignment with the man that you need to be, right? That the way that I'm behaving is not in accordance with the way I want to see myself. And that crushes us. I can tell you right now, I knew who I wanted to be, but I couldn't act in alignment with that guy. And so I felt horrible about who I was. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, but I had to walk around with a mask and facade pretending like it wasn't. And feeling that conviction in your heart— and the Holy Spirit convicts us in that way— that conviction can be a good thing because it shows me, hey, you're better than this. And let me tell you guys right now, if nobody told you today, you're better than that. You're better than that. You deserve more than that. You deserve to feel aligned, be authentic, and live in accordance with the man that God created you to be. The man that God created you to be. He created you to live a radical life. He didn't create you to live a mundane life, a life of self-destruction, a life of self-sabotage. The enemy wants you to live that life. And let me tell you right now, there is an agenda against powerful men. If you haven't woken up in America, there's an agenda out here in America against powerful men. And where do they want you, bro? They want you in the fetal position. They want you curled up in a ball. They don't want you in power. They don't want you raising your kids. They don't want you emotionally available. They don't want you married. They don't want you to have a power couple with your wife. They don't want you to be killing it in business. They don't want you to be at peak performance. They don't want you to be ripped. They don't want you to be mentally strong. They want you to be addicted in the fetal position in the corner, anesthetized, intoxicated, and loaded, and totally incapable and ill-equipped to actually deal with life. Wake up to that reality, because let me tell you right now, You're in a war. You're in a spiritual battle. How do you see yourself in the spirit? How do you see yourself in the spirit? See, for me, I try to stay tapped in spiritually as much as possible because I know this— the weapons that we use to war. So that's why for me, like, the message is polarizing, and I get it. You know, the message is polarizing. I understand that because it's not for everybody. Because sometimes people can't handle it. It's too much. And I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. And it's not for you then. This message is for individuals who are at the bottom in the pit of darkness, but know that there's a way out of this, but they just need the right people and the right tools. That's why I created the Total Breakthrough Academy. The Total Breakthrough Academy is all about giving you the keys because you can do it. You can succeed. All you need is the right people and the right tools in your life, and you can solve anything. And I'm a big believer in that. And I look at my life as a reflection of that. And I'm humbled and honored to be able to do what God has allowed me to do. It's all because of God. If you love what I do, then you love God unknowingly. So here's the deal. That second phase is about eliminating that cognitive dissonance, about getting you in alignment with your core values. And it's about looking at where your self-worth is coming from. Because as men, a lot of times our worth comes from what we do for work because we fell into a trap in our childhood of what? Performance-based love. I didn't feel lovable unless I worked for it, unless I earned it, unless I proved I deserved it. So providing for our family, working hard becomes the number one way that we show love. Other than that, we don't know how to show love. And see, people in our life, they're like, hey, man, you don't know how to show love. People in my life used to say, you don't know how to love me. But the reality was, is I didn't know how to receive love. I didn't know how to receive love other than having to work for it, prove I deserve it, or earn it. Unconditional love. And that's why it was so hard for me to have a relationship with God, because it was so foreign to me. God loves me unconditionally. I can't organize around that. So I got to engineer and I got to learn the new skills, skills for my mindset, the cognitive distortions. That's why CBT is so powerful. Cognitive behavioral therapy is so powerful, guys. It's about looking at your thought process. It's about changing what you're thinking, changing what you're doing. It's about understanding the relationship between how you think and how you feel. This empowers you to take back control. You have more control than you think. You have more control than you think. You're giving away your power to people, places, and things. If I'm standing on a street corner and I'm with two of my friends and a car full of girls in a convertible drive by and they point in my direction and laugh, well, maybe I think they're laughing at me. And maybe I feel ashamed and embarrassed and I want to throw something at the car. Maybe the guy next to me thought they were laughing at something behind us and he feels totally apathetic and indifferent. And he just keeps walking down the street. And maybe the guy next to him thought— they thought he was handsome. And he feels all happy and jovial and gregarious, and he wants to go follow the car, and he wants to go get their number. See, this situation doesn't cause the emotion and the behavioral reaction. The perception does. The perception does. Mindset. The world isn't as it is, it's as you are. What are you seeing? What are you viewing? What are you perceiving? It's in here. Before there's an interpretation, there is an interpreter. You are the interpreter. God gave you creatorhood. He gave you creatorhood to do what? Create perception. How do you think we build things? How do you think we think of good ideas? Man, you're a creator. You're an innovator. You're a creator. Take back control of your creatorhood. The skills to help my mindset, the skills to help my emotional intelligence, the skills to help my emotion regulation, stress management, things I wasn't taught. Also, skills to help me resolve conflict. A lion doesn't need to prove that he's a lion. A lion doesn't need to prove that he's a lion, man. People say so much stuff online nowadays, and it's so funny to me. It's like, I don't know, I grew up in a different era. Like, when you said something to say to somebody, you didn't do it behind a computer. So I could never lower myself to that standard to do something like that. But it's so funny to me when people say stuff because it's like, why are you giving your power away? Number one, and you're secretly revealing how you really feel about yourself because nobody who felt good about themselves would have the need to talk negative about anybody. They would be building people up. They would be putting value into people. They'd be speaking life over people. They'd be prophesying and praying over people. That's why I tell you guys all the time, man, I got nothing but love for you guys, man. You guys are my people. You guys, I love you guys. I want the best for you guys because I just want to share for you what worked for me. It's part of another reason why I created the Academy. The Academy is all about brotherhood. It's about iron sharpens iron. Proverbs 27:17, one man sharpens the countenance of another, which means what? His facial expression. There's power in that. There's power in proximity. Show me your friends, I'll show you your future. Why do you think so many guys get such breakthrough in the Total Breakthrough Academy? Why? Because the unity equation— what is the unity equation? The unity equation is my personal transformation plus a shared experience with another brother creates what? Accelerated growth. Accelerated growth. I'm going to grow quicker and faster when I'm around some savages who are doing some real work. Who are you around? Iron sharpens iron, brother. Wood doesn't sharpen iron. Wood doesn't sharpen iron. So who are you hanging around? Who are you spending time with, man? I don't know about you, but I want solid individuals in my life. And sometimes, man, God has to trim the fat on your life. Allow him to do that. Before God does something for you, he might have to do something in you and around you first. Oh man. Let's go. So I need to start to develop a different skill set. I can't fit a round peg through a square hole. You can't use that power through mentality you try to use in business with your wife because it doesn't work. It requires a deeper version, another version of you. You got to downshift. If you haven't checked out the free Downshift Technique, check it out. The link is inside my bio. You got to downshift. You got to step back. You can't power through the problems like you do inside your business. You got to slow it down, bring it down. That's what we do. This is a skill set. This is engineering. This is phase 2. Phase 3 is emerge. This is where you activate that new identity. This is where you redeem your dignity. It's where you experience your true power. And here's the amazing thing about this. You shift your identity. And see, here's the thing. What is your identity based in? What do you base your identity in, brother? Where is your identity in? Is your identity— think about what is your identity connected to, man. First of all, you're a child of God. You have infinite value, infinite potential. But Tim, I struggle with my worth. Check it out. Would you agree that anything that is alive has potential? If you look at a flower outside and it's growing You could see it has potential. Things that are alive have potential, and things that have potential have value, because anything that has potential has value. Because why? If you can— something can happen, it has worth, it has value. Something could transpire there. There's opportunity there. God created you to make a difference, man. He created you because you've got potential in you. Do you know the blood that's flowing through your veins, bro? Wake up, wake up, snap out of this, feel alive again. So anything that has potential has worth and value. So check it out. Once you activate your new identity, you shift this identity because you become, you become, you go from being a liability, the guy that everybody needed to help, becoming an asset, the guy that starts to help other people. And when you become the guy that starts to help other people, guess what? You become an asset. You become successful. That's the guy people want to hire. That's the guy people want to go into business with. That's the guy people want to marry. That's the guy people want to start— you know, that's the guy people want to put in the position of leadership. That's the guy people want to trust. That's the guy people want to follow. That's a guy who can make a difference and become an inspiration in this world. Become a success from the inside out. That's why I called it the Inside Out Method. From the inside out. This ain't an outside deal. How many of you guys tried to fix the inside from the outside? I can tell you right now, I tried to fix the inside from the outside for over 15 years, and it left me broken, hopeless, desperate, powerless, feeling like a victim every day of my life. So check it out, guys. From the inside out is how we do this. So once I start to activate this new identity and I start getting new experiences and different results with— it's like the same situations are happening, but the way that I'm responding is different. And that's how you know you're stepping into self-mastery. That's how you know you're stepping into something great. Then I need to start to repair the damage inside the relationships that was caused by the old me. The old you created some damage, created some wreckage that you got to clean up. So the new you comes in. Are you going to be the hero or are you going to be the villain? Make a choice, brother. Make a choice. Hero, villain. See, they both come from the same traumatic background. They both came from the same broken and traumatic background. But here's the difference. See, the villain said, I went through this pain and now I'm going to take it out on everybody else. But the hero says, I went through this pain and I never want anybody else to go through this pain ever again like I did. So now I need to become an asset to help other people liberate themselves from the bondage that I was stuck in. Woo! That's what I'm talking about. Being a difference maker, making a difference. And if you don't feel a sense of purpose from that, then man, I don't know what to tell you. Because if you've never seen tears in somebody's eyes as they thank you for helping them, they thank you for helping them change their life, and you know that God just called you to be in their life, then I don't know what to tell you. Purpose comes from service. Who are you helping? Who are you helping? So once I start to heal that damage inside my relationships, I want to make sure that I can embody the teachings, that I can teach it to somebody else, because it ain't about you, man. At one point in time, it started with you, but at a certain point of time, that cup fills up and it overflows, and you become a blessing in somebody's life. Some people don't need you to preach a sermon, they need to see you live one. Some people don't need you to preach a sermon, they need to see you live one. See, some people, they won't believe that they can change until they see you change. And when they see you change, their belief in their ability to change is dramatically increased because they saw it in you. Mirror neurons. They saw what was capable in your life and they doubted their own ability, but when they saw it take placed in your life, they were like, man, I can do it too. And let me tell you, brother, you can do it too. I'm telling you right now, you can do it too, man. You can do it. You can change your life. Stop thinking negative. Stop talking negative. Stop believing the lies. Replace the lies with the truth. Greater is he that's in me than he that's in the world. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Right. You can do it. That's why I created this academy. It's designed for this. And with all the members coming through the Academy, right, we empower you. We give you the tools, we give you the blueprint, we give you the skillset, we give you the framework, we give you the support, we give you the coaching. We do the live calls throughout the week. And the main design and main goal is to do what? Give you everything you need to succeed so you can then become a blessing in somebody else's life. And man, if you knew how much this inspired me, hopefully you do just from the energy coming off of me. I can't help it. When I live in my purpose, energy just emanates. So check it out, guys. If you're interested in learning more about the Academy, if you're interested in learning more about how to change the man that shows up to the marriage by changing his emotional intelligence, changing his conflict resolution, changing his mindset, changing him from the inside out, hit me up. DM me anytime, man. I will always respond to all messages. If you're a wife looking for help for your husband, Send me a message. I can always send you a link. Can send you the link that you can send to him. That's the best I can do for you. Um, gentlemen, you know what time it is. If you're ready to step up, if you're ready to level up, brother, you know where to go. We're right here. We're changing lives every single day inside the academy with our live events, with our private group calls, with our content, right? With our course. Oh man. So much that we want to share with you guys, man, and we're all about providing value. Everybody on TikTok, if you haven't already become a part of my Facebook group, it's totally free. All you gotta do is just go in the link on my page. God bless you guys, man. Love and respect to all you guys. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You deserve it. God loves you. Nothing but love and respect, guys. Understand your personal development process is directly correlated to the success of every relationship you have. All right guys, love and respect.