In this therapeutic interview, Tim Arrigo speaks with Bob, a successful businessman who carries deep, lingering guilt over the suicides of his brother and son. Bob repeatedly expresses the belief that he could have prevented their deaths, feeling responsible for missed signs and interpreting his ongoing self‑blame as a core part of his identity. Tim identifies a pattern of confirmation bias: Bob seeks external evidence that confirms his self‑imposed guilt, which sustains feelings of shame and hampers his relationships, health, and happiness. The dialogue explores how Bob’s pain has become intertwined with his sense of self, and Tim challenges him to separate his intrinsic worth—a child of God with infinite potential—from the trauma of his past. The conversation also touches on Bob’s recollection of the events surrounding his son’s suicide, his lack of awareness of warning signs, and the emotional impact of that loss, aiming to help Bob reframe his narrative and reduce the grip of guilt on his identity.
Chapters
I've been successful business-wise, but not so much with respect to emotional relationship-wise. And I've been prodding into why that is, you know, having lost my brother and lost my son to suicide. Tremendous guilt from that. You know, I could have prevented that. So I've been working hard on those issues within the program.
Say that again. Say that again, Bob. You said, you said you could have prevented them.
Well, that's the feeling that, that, that I have is I could have prevented that somehow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay with that. Okay, let's stay with that.
I lay that guilt on myself, you know. I should have seen the signs, you know.
Yeah, do you see this pattern though? But do you see the pattern? Yeah, what the pattern is, is the pattern is Bob looking into the external environment to confirm with his confirmation bias that he is at fault for things that are actually out of his control, in order for him to stay in these familiar feelings of shame and guilt, which actually don't serve him they're a detriment to his life, his marriage, his health, his happiness, so on and so forth. So when you can't—
I need my pain.
Yeah, there it is.
So that was a famous quote from Star Trek. I need my pain. That's what life is, full of pain. So latched on to that one. I haven't let it go.
So the real question that you really came on the show to ask is, hey Tim, how do I make this pain not a part of my identity anymore. How do I separate my identity as Bob, a child of God with infinite value, infinite potential? How do I separate that from the pain, which is really my past, which is really all the things that— trying to right all the wrongs, trying to redo the past, relive the past. How can I go back? But you can't. And Bob, especially when it comes to something like losing your son, Bob, I would say that losing your son to suicide definitely put a major hole in your heart, man. And I would say that that put you in a state of powerlessness and overthinking, and could I have prevented this? And even now, to this day, you still believe that you could have prevented it.
And, you know, I lay that on myself, you know, for guilt. You know, I continue to blame myself. Uh, you know, I've for the reason of— I'm not sure what the reason is. It's just I felt it for so long, it's wired in right now. That happened in 2007, so it's been, you know, 17 years.
Let me ask you this, Bob.
Beating myself up.
And my condolences, brother, because I can only imagine what that was like. So let me ask you this, brother. When you found out the news, the tragic news that day, were you blindsided by it?
Yeah, we went to a wedding party for my older daughter the night before.
Okay, so right now, were you— just real quick— were you blindsided by it? I get a phone call, they tell me that my son has committed suicide. Were you blindsided by that? Were you shocked by that?
I was.
Were you dumbfounded by that? Stay with me on this. Stay with me on this.
No, I don't think I was dumbfounded. He was bipolar and he was swinging wildly. with that disease. And I thought he was getting better. I was worried.
Or you were shocked? You were surprised? You were surprised that he would take his own life?
I was. I thought things were getting better for him, and then, and then this happened, and I'm like, there it is. Yeah.
Okay, so let me ask you this: were you aware that he might take his life?
I did not see the signs. I did not.
There it is.
I didn't interpret the signs.
That's it. Stay with that. No, Tim, I didn't see the signs. Okay, so let me ask you this: how can you blame yourself for something that you were completely unaware of?
