Tim Arrigo tells men their marriages are stuck because of how they show up, not their spouse. His three-phase system starts by excavating the personal pain driving conflict, then rebuilds self-worth independent of the partnership, and finally establishes a lifestyle of self-mastery where values match behavior.
Tim, how do I change my marriage if my wife isn't willing to get on board? See, my approach has always been changing the man that shows up to the marriage, changing the man, the leader, the husband that shows up to that marriage. That's why in the Total Breakthrough Academy, right, we have 3 phases. Excavation, Engineer, and Emerge. And see, in that first phase, which is the Explore phase, we have to help you get clear about the problem and pain— the one problem that's causing the most pain in your life. A lot of you guys, you look at the problems in your marriage, but you're not even clear about the fact that the problem in your marriage isn't actually a problem in your marriage. It's a problem with you and the way you're showing up to that marriage. And see, a lot of times we drag things from our past into our marriage. That second stage is when we start to help you understand the process of how to rewire your brain and get beyond these mental blocks that you have. Right? You have to be willing to really look and expose and connect the dots between your past experiences and beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve this version of you. And then an engineer— what's happening in engineers, you have to look at your values, you have to look at your self-worth, and you have to start to reestablish your sense of worth and value outside of the relationship, independent of any external variable. Why? Because what, what is your worth and value? Like, what do you value in your life? And are your behaviors congruent with those values? Are you living in alignment? Actions match values. I value treating my wife this way. I value healthy relationships. I value my physical body. I value having an empowered mindset. I value my relationship with God. But yet the irony is that my behaviors are not in alignment with that person. And anytime there's a large division between your internal values and your external behavior when you're not living in alignment. The experience is all about making sure that you learn all the necessary communication as well as cognitive strategies so you can become a multi-dimensional leader in your home. So again, changing the man that shows up to the marriage, making sure that you atone for all the that's been created by your old self, burning away the old version of you, putting that man to rest. Why? So you don't just go through the program and then afterwards just return back to your old self. This needs to be a lifestyle change, a commitment to self-mastery. That's why we don't work with anybody. That's why we get on discovery calls with you. That's why we make sure— why? Because we help a specific type of person with a very specific type of issue. So again, my approach has always been an approach to focus on you. Why? Because a lot of you guys, you don't even know what self-love is. You don't even know what having a good relationship with yourself looks like. You talk about the toxic relationship you're in, but see, the first toxic relationship you should look at is the one you have with yourself. The way you talk to yourself, the way you treat yourself, the way you neglect, abandon, abuse, and betray you. So let's start there.
