Cultivating Trust and Vulnerability in New Peer Group Members with Mark McFatridge

Hello and welcome to Mastermind Mastery, the podcast for professionals who want to create and run successful peer advisory councils, or as we call them, PACs for short, or they're also known as peer groups or business mastermind groups. I'm your host, Tina Corner Stolz, founder of Elixir Council, where I've been in the industry running groups since 2005 and now help those like you with education, certification, and support wanting to do the same. At one time, I ran 10 groups, nearly 100 members, and sold my groups For a Good Multiple and recently released my second book, Your Seat at the Table: How to Create and Run Your Own Peer Advisory Councils, published by Forbes, and grateful to you that it's an Amazon bestseller. I invite you to join each week where we share strategies and techniques to successfully launch and become a master of running your PACTs. You'll hear insights, perspectives, do's and don'ts, learn from my and my guests' mistakes, successes, and get the inside track to key takeaways. Each time we have guest, we'll be having a bit of fun. So are you ready? Let's get going and dive into today's episode. Hello everyone, it's Tina here. We have a special event coming up in November in St. Petersburg, Florida. It's the first ever national open conference for anyone wanting to run and already running peer groups. Or mastermind groups. Join us for 2 days, VIP reception with the keynote speakers, and a full day of upping your game and running groups with peers like you who are experienced or just want to get more knowledge before starting their journey and creating their first group. This conference is for you if: 1. You're already running groups and you want to be better, or you want to be the best. You want to learn from other experienced moderators and get inside tips to the latest meeting techniques. Or two, if you're thinking about creating and running groups and want all the knowledge on how to do it right and learn from veterans, then this conference is for you. But time's running out. There's only a few VIP tickets available and the conference has limited capacity. So as soon as we hit it, we're going to have to close registration. So join us in downtown St. Pete, November 9th through 11th. It's the best self-development gift you can give yourself. And don't you want to be the best at running groups? See you in November.

Welcome everyone to Mastermind Mastery. I'm your host Tina Corner Stolz, and today's guest is Mark McFattrich. So before we get into what Mark does and where he is, he chose a special song today to introduce him. So Mark, why don't you tell a little bit about that song and why does it have meaning to you?

Yeah, I love it. Thanks for having me, first and foremost. But, um, sure. Yeah, Kenny Chesney's Life has been a song that's resonated with me for a really long time. And if you don't know the song, it's about a businessman who's on vacation in Mexico, and he, he comes across a guy selling fish named Jose, and he kind of gives a little bit of a humble brag of, you know, he, he lives a pretty good life and that's okay. And, and Jose responds, yeah, I do too, amigo. And, uh, on his flight back home the business guy is thinking about, man, Jose does have a pretty good life. I'm kind of envious. So for me, it's, it's kind of twofold. First, for a really long time, I considered myself the executive, right? I was, you know, getting, getting really well paid. I was working hard. I was doing all kinds of stuff and, and, uh, all that. And but when I started to reflect on it, was I really doing everything that I love? Was I living my life to the fullest? And now I see myself as Jose is. I get the opportunity to work with amazing CEOs and business owners in an executive peer group that I lead. And so, yeah, my view of the song has not changed. I love it, but my role in the song has changed and it's flipped from one to the other.

That— I love this. So first of all, have you ever seen Kenny in person?

About 4 times.

Yes. So we're in the same boat. So we see him every year when he kicks off his tour every other year in Tampa. And it's like a tradition now. We just go see him when he opens up his tour every year in Tampa. And huge Kenny Chesney fan. So he puts on a great concert.

It's an event for sure.

Yes. So I love that you picked this song because he doesn't always sing it at his concerts either. But it does have great meaning to the whole peer group and the why people like you do what you do and why you're passionate about doing it, which kind of dovetails in today's topic. So Mark, his company is Quaid. He has multiple groups that he does. He's based in Indianapolis. And we're going to talk today a little bit about trust and vulnerability. And this is a huge topic and one that will be covered in multiple episodes. But today it's a little bit from a slant of a specific area of how you create trust and vulnerability. And Mark has some really good techniques that he uses. But the kind of the role of diversity in the group, we're going to talk a little bit about that. We're going to talk a little about the top reasons of why this is important, the impact on the member's experience. And some really good takeaways everybody's going to get today with our conversation. So, Mark, we're going to kind of turn it over to you and just a little bit about trust and vulnerability, kind of why do you think this is important, you know, for a group, and then kind of get into of, you know, let's just start with something that people do, which is do you look at revenue when you put your group together? And just how does this whole trust and vulnerability go into the group experience?

Yeah, yeah, I love it. Well, you know, for me, I think if you're going to be in an executive peer group, trust and vulnerability have to be at the core of it. Otherwise, you're just hanging around with a bunch of buds at the bar, right? And so, you know, I think you've got to get down into it because if you're going to get to the heart of whatever matter, whether it's an opportunity or a challenge that you're facing, you've got to trust that the people around you have your best interests at heart and you've got to lay it out there and be really vulnerable. And And it goes both ways, right? If people aren't vulnerable, if they don't trust each other, then it's— you're going to stay at the surface level and not really dig into it. So for me, it's— I feel so passionate about it because it's from the beginning of the core of why you join an executive peer group.

Exactly. Yes. And do you think that sometimes people realize that when they join? It's kind of a wake-up call a lot of times because they're usually not vulnerable in other aspects of their life, right?

Well, they've never had the chance to be, right? I mean, because if you're in that CEO or business owner role, you can't be vulnerable at all times, right? You've got to hold some things to your chest and, you know, you don't know who you can trust on your team. And, you know, sometimes there's stuff you can't share either with your teammates or even your spouse or friends, right? And so, you're automatically buttoned up because you're a CEO or a business owner. So yeah, it's a new environment. And honestly, it's why when I start a new— I call them circles— when I start a new circle, the very first meeting, we don't talk about business at all. We started out when we do— I've got a strategic partner who provides predictive index for all of our members. And so she'll come in and give the results of the predictive index. For everybody in that circle, all of our Kuwait allies. And that, that starts the vulnerability piece, right? Because all of a sudden you're getting these results out and, you know, you're in front of these people. You maybe you've seen them, maybe you haven't, but you get exposed right there as to, you know, kind of what your personality type is or your communication style is or whatever. And then we move into— I ask one question. I said, tell me your life story. Without mentioning anything professional. And man, that is something that people are not accustomed to do, right? We all have, you know, we've attached ourselves to our roles, right? Oh, I'm a banker or I'm a, you know, CPA or whatever. Nobody's ever said, don't tell me about that. Tell me about your personal life. And, you know, inevitably somebody would go really deep right away and share, you know, maybe their parents got divorced at a young age and how that affected them. And then somebody across the room is like, oh my God, my parents got divorced at that age.

Right.

Had a similar impact on me. And now all of a sudden you've got this vulnerability coming out in the first time you're meeting some of these folks. And that, that just starts it from the, from the get-go. And automatically you've got this trust that starts. And from that point on, it's, it's just on and it makes it for a really deep and enjoyable group and tremendous conversations and people pushing each other and stretching each other and, you know, all the good stuff. So yeah, it starts from the top with us.

I just love that you do that their first meeting and don't let them talk about business, right? And they have to talk about personal. And so it can probably feel a little uncomfortable right out of the gate on top of it. And then do you— how long do you have them speak? You know, like typically when somebody comes in and you— do you give them some guidance on that or are you just see what happens.

We both— so we kind of say, you know, 5 or 6 minutes. But look, if somebody's going really deep and they're being really vulnerable, I mean, that's, I think, where the experience level of a really good moderator comes in. Of, man, you're not going to cut somebody off just because you hit that 6-minute time limit. If we're going deep, let's get going, right? Let's, let's keep it going.

Yes. And, and so when that's happening, what do you see is going on with all the other members when that new person is spending all this time chatting about their, their personal journey.

Yeah, the people are on the edge of their seat. I mean, they are dialed in, right? I mean, they are listening and you can see it in their eyes and, and, you know, they're rolling around their head of, man, how, how does this— how do I relate to this, right? And, and, oh my gosh, that— I can't believe somebody went that deep. I've never met this person before and they're sharing all this stuff and They're like, man, I, you know, I can't just say, you know, my name's Mark, right? I need to, I need to share a little bit of something and be vulnerable myself. So, you know, it just kind of breeds upon each other.

Exactly. And 5 and 6 minutes may not seem like a lot, but it's a long time to chat about a topic you're not used to talking about. Yes. And chat about yourself. Right. And that, in that way, another quick question. Do you prep that new member that that's what they're going to do? Before they come in?

I don't. I don't. I like it. I like it to be spontaneous. Right. I think, you know, we're so— we're so, you know, as CEOs and business owners, we're so structured. Right. And, you know, you plan and you want to make sure you say everything right and all that. And that's— this is— this is what this is about, in my opinion, of, you know, getting out there, being uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is huge. Right, to establish that credibility and trust and vulnerability and all that. So no, every once in a while it'll sneak out if somebody knows somebody that's in a circle. But, but no, I don't put it out there.

Yeah.

So now as a new member, I've spent my, you know, 6, 7, whatever minutes on me. Do you have the other members do a different intro or do you just skip that altogether? Or what do you do after that new member has chatted about themselves for that long?

Yeah, the first thing is we, we go back around the horn and just kind of get everybody's, um, uh, reaction, right? And, you know, oh my gosh, I love that, that's amazing to hear. Or, I was in— I, you know, I grew up in, you know, in, in small town Indiana as well. And, you know, what, whatever it is, um, you know, it just, it, it forces that feedback and, and really sets the expectation that this is an interactive deal, right? You don't just sit back and take notes and keep to yourself. There's an expectation that you're going to respond, and you should probably listen to what people are saying pretty deeply.

So I love that you go around and ask for their reflection and kind of what they heard and all of that. And because it allows for that member who just was vulnerable to get affirmation that it was okay. And that everybody really loved hearing what they had to say, right? And nobody was like, kind of, you know, or falling asleep either, right? And it's one of the things that later I talk in a totally different episode about being a resource connector, because what you've allowed them to do is dive deep into this one area, right? Their personal life. That will uncover what you just said. People find connections like, my son went to school there, or I've been here, or yes. Right. And that immediately creates a bond with each other and that they have something in common, which now goes back to vulnerability and trust. Right. And how you get that. So along those lines, this is something tremendous that I think that you do right out of the gate with a new member. So are there any other kind of techniques or what— we talk a little bit about diversity. I know you talk a little bit about diversity and that diversity can mean a lot of things in a group by standard definition. But what are you finding and why is diversity important in regards to building trust and vulnerability?

Yeah, you know, for me, obviously there's diversity of demographic, whether it's race or gender. But one of the things that's really important for me and it's been successful in Quaid Circles is experiential diversity, meaning different industries, different tenures, different revenue sizes, employee bases, different ethnic backgrounds, religious backgrounds, whatever geographic where you grew up. Those things are super important because For me, and it's funny, my aunt, when I was a new father for the first time, she was a gifted and talented teacher, right, in elementary school. And she said, Mark, look, whatever you do, know that for your kids, life is about experiences. And that has stuck with me forever. And so that experiential diversity is a huge piece for me. And what I see having those diverse experiences accelerates your experiences, right? You may not have— you may not have experienced everything in the world or travel or do whatever, but if somebody in your circle has done that, it's like you've been there and you've already pocketed that experience that you can use later on down the road. And again, it could be— sometimes it could be what not to do, right? Of, you know, man, I was in this negotiation and I screwed it up and I wish I would have done X and Y. Well, man, if I'm in that circle and I'm listening to that appropriately, I'm going to pocket that experience for when I'm in a negotiation like that. I can pull that out and say, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to do the way that it should have been done in the first place. So for me, bringing a bunch of people together with different backgrounds, experiences, whatever accelerates your experiences, which makes you a better leader, makes you a better parent, makes you a better spouse, you know, all that, all the stuff.

Yes. And I am such a big advocate about that. That is a major component of how you put together the ultimate group of true peers, right? That it's not necessarily about revenue or how many employees I had or anything like that. Because to your point, experiences, right, is what creates that diversity. But also those experiences, it elevates everybody's, right? In the group, they get— it's an elevated group. But the other thing is that you're matching kind of experiences to where this member has probably had these experiences, this one hasn't, but is about ready to. Right? And therefore, this member is really going to help over here, this member in their future. They have their own experiences that are going to help this member over here. And that's kind of what it's about. Right? And it's less about the revenue.

Yeah, no, that's exactly right. I mean, it's— and, and for me, and I'm sure you've seen it too, is people take different things out of the circles, right, depending on where they are in their, in their professional and personal journeys and whatever. They're in it for sometimes different reasons. And, you know, I tell you, in, in one circle I have an age range of 30 to 68, and the 68-year-old is learning just as much from the 30-year-old as the 30-year-old was learning from the 68-year-old. And it's amazing to watch the dialogue take off and go different ways. And again, it's just that sharing of experiences. And that only happens when you have trust amongst in the room and the willingness to be vulnerable while you're doing it.

Great. Well, as we kind of begin to kind of wrap up, is there anything else that you want to share about how you've created trust and vulnerability in the groups that you've seen work really well?

You know, I, for me, I always, I always wrap up a meeting with, give me your biggest takeaway from today, right? So everybody's got to share what your biggest takeaway was. The other thing I do is ask for your one big thing. What are you going to accomplish before we meet again? And it could be read, you know, Tina's book. It could be, you know, lose 5 pounds. It could be whatever. But, but what are you going to accomplish? And so that, that sets that accountability tone. And again, to be able to do that, you've got to have trust and vulnerability. So yeah, those are a handful of things that I like to do to build that trust and vulnerability in our circles.

Excellent. Great. Well, we always also end with what is so many takeaways today for everybody. And then we'll have some of those all listed out in the show notes. But what you've been doing this for like 10+ years, right? Do I have that right? Yeah.

I've been in a CEO group myself for 15 years. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. And so you have lots, lots of experiences yourself. So for our listeners— That just means I'm old, Tina. No, it doesn't. No, no. Because if I say yes to that, that means I am old. So, yes.

All right. That's fair.

There we go. We are just wise. We're wise. That's it. So with those that are either considering, of our listeners today, to whether to get in this profession or not, or on the opposite end of the spectrum have been doing it as long as like you and I have, what words of wisdom or insight would you give?

Yeah, my favorite thing is listen to understand, not to respond. Right. Because if you're truly listening to what somebody is saying, you're going to hear things that they might not even be verbalizing. Right. And if you take the time to listen to what they're saying instead of trying to figure out what you're going to say next, man, it just opens up a whole new world for everybody involved, you and the person that's sharing. So that's, that's always my favorite is listen to understand, not to respond.

Excellent. Excellent. So, Mark, thank you so much for being the guest today. And if anyone wanted to reach you, how would that best happen?

Yeah, quadecircle.com or obviously I'm on LinkedIn. Would love to talk to anybody. It's— I enjoy it. One of my, one of my rules of life is always take the meeting. So reach out and we'd love to get on everybody, anybody's calendar.

Excellent. So that's Mark McFatridge. So MCFATRIDGE and Quade is Q-U-A-D-E.

Okay.

So everybody can get the spelling right. And with that, that today hopefully you walked away with like really a very simple but impactful way to introduce a new member into a group of building immediate trust and vulnerability. And how to do that really well, as long with some of the other tips you heard today. And as always, until next week, you guys go make it happen.

Hey, moderators of groups, thank you so much for listening to today's podcast. To get access to today's show notes and exclusive content and resources, visit TinaCornerStolz.com/podcast or LXcouncil.com/podcast. Where you can also become part of an exclusive online community, attend our academy, or get free resources, templates, checklists, and more. And you can even contact me there as well. So if this episode resonated with you and you know someone who can also benefit from listening, please share with them by taking a screenshot and even posting on your social media. I also love reviews and appreciate I can't wait to hear from each of you, those actually doing this wonderful work. Please tune in next week for another episode of Mastermind Mastery. And I'll close by sharing something my mentor did after every learning moment. He shared a shiny pebble from his pocket with anyone he passed knowledge to and asked them to forward that pebble, knowledge, on. So now I encourage you to do the same. Encourage you to go pass on a pebble, the takeaways you learned today, to either your existing groups or fellow peers. Now, go make it a great one.