TJ Walker says people bore others by trying too hard to impress them, over-explaining and steering talk back to themselves. Stop asking how you come across. Instead listen more, tolerate silence, ask better questions, and the conversation becomes lighter and you seem more interesting.
Chapters
Ultimize. A lot of bad conversation habits come from one place: the need to impress. Not in an obvious way. Most people aren't thinking, "I'm going to impress this person right now." Underneath the surface, they're trying to. They're trying to sound smart, sound interesting, sound successful, sound knowledgeable. And that pressure changes how they speak. They talk longer. They explain more. They had details that weren't needed. They try to prove something, and the result? The conversation feels heavy. Let me show you what this looks like in real life. You meet someone and they ask, what do you do? You're trying to impress, your answer might sound something like this: Well, I work with a range of clients across different industries, and we focus on optimizing communication strategies, and there are a lot of moving parts depending on the— and blah blah blah blah blah. Technically accurate, completely forgettable. Now compare that to someone who isn't trying to impress. They say, "I help people become better communicators, especially when the stakes are high. What do you do?" It's short. By the way, that is the way I describe what I do a lot of times. It's clear, it's competent, no extra explanation, no overcomplication. "Here's what's interesting: the second answer sounds stronger, even though it's simpler, because it doesn't feel like it's trying." Let's look at another situation. Someone asks, "How was your trip?" If you're trying to impress, you might say, "Oh, it was incredible! We stayed at this amazing 5-star hotel, and we did all these things, and we went to all these wonderful spots," and you keep adding, trying to make it sound more impressive. Now compare this to, "It was great. There was one moment that completely caught me off guard. I'll tell you about it." And then they lean in. Now they're curious. Now they're engaged. You didn't list everything. You gave them a reason to care. That's the difference. Now, here's the deeper issue. When you're trying to impress, you shift the focus back to yourself constantly. And even when you ask a question, you're often just setting up your own answer. So what do you do? I mean, I'm in this field. Now the conversation becomes about you again, and people feel that even if they can't articulate it. Now let's flip it. When you're not trying to impress, you relax, you listen more, you ask better questions, you don't feel the need to fill every silence, and the conversation becomes lighter, easier, more natural. Let me give you a very common moment. You're in a conversation There's a pause. If you're trying to impress, you feel pressure. You think, "I need to say something good," so you jump in, even if what you say isn't necessary. If you're not trying to impress, you're comfortable letting that pause exist for a moment, or you ask a simple question, or you shift the focus back to the other person. Now the pressure is gone. Now the conversation flows. Here's the shift I want you to make. Stop asking, "How do I come across?" Start asking, "Is this conversation working for both of us?" That question changes everything because now you're focused on the interaction, not your performance inside it. And when you do that, you stop over-talking, you stop over-explaining, you stop trying to prove things, and you start doing something much more effective. You make the conversation feel good. And when a conversation feels good, people assume something about you. They assume that person is confident, that person is interesting, that person is easy to talk to, even though you weren't trying to impress them at all.
