TJ WALKER - THE HABIT INFLUENCER - Personal Development | LIVE STREAM

So how do older women speakers deal with age and looks discrimination?

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I should point out this is a question I get from men too. And just in this case, it happens to be a question from one of my female viewers and listeners. She writes TJ she's telling me that she is about to host some video podcasts and also do more public speaking. But she has some concerns. I want to share with you an excerpt from her letter to me. However, I find it more difficult to connect with people across cultures. I think it is because I am over 55 and when I was young I had the advantage of attractiveness, which I do not feel I have today. I am fit and healthier than most people my age, but I'm not young and I think people are programmed to pay attention to youth and vigor. So I want to be able to share a message that my wisdom has taught me and wondering if I can do it without plastic surgery. In fact, I have spent money making myself more attractive and I do feel much better about my physical appearance because I'm not physically repulsive. That's a relief. She goes into her background in gymnastics, dance, bodywork. She has overcome some physical disabilities and imperfections. We all have imperfections. But then she concludes, how do women especially overcome the physical barriers to appearance? Just look at the speakers on TV and you'll see who gets the airtime. And that's the question from Debbie. I'm going to address this in explicit detail in just a moment.

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So, Debbie, you're certainly right that all things being equal, most Hollywood directors, most local newscasters for that matter, seem to prefer young, pretty people, male and female. And even then, quite often local newscast, you'll see some old guy who kind of looks like me or older, paired with a very young attractive woman in her mid-20s to early 30s. So I'm certainly not discounting that there is some bias regarding age. Certainly you see this in Hollywood movies with leading actors and actresses. Sean Connery can still get the girl when he's 90 years old. Practically. You don't see the same with women.

However.

I want to mention to you two words that I think will change your perspective on all of this, and I want you to really, really think about this. These two words Judge Judy. Now, you might not be a regular viewer of the Judge Judy show, but let's not forget Judge Judy is at the time of this recording, in her 70s. She's in her early 70s, soon to be in her mid-70s, not anybody's definition of young. And she makes by most reported accounts a million dollars a day speaking. She shoots her program four or five days a month. She makes $50 million a year. Do the math. Judge Judy is by most accounts or by almost any account the highest paid speaker in the world. You could argue with Oprah. Again, not exactly anyone's idea these days of youthful. But Judge Judy speaks. I mean she speaks on a TV show and it is a show if you haven't seen it. She is a sort of a pretend judge and she presides over civil matters, gives her opinions. And I'm certainly not saying she's ugly or unattractive, but she is a 73 year old woman. She's not going to win beauty contests. I mean, she seems to be fit and vigorous. She's not overweight, she doesn't have any deformities. But she is 73 years old. I mean, she's old enough to be my mother. Barely, I guess. So my point is there not to pick on Judge Judy, but to show it's what you say and how you say it can overcome any advantages other people have. So Debbie, I do want you to think about this example of Judge Judy because in my mind, she is the perfect counter argument to those of us who want to come up with excuses. Now I can say, wow, you know, I can't succeed on TV because everyone has to be, you know, like Billy Bush and have a young perfect head of hair. Or look at the other Entertainment Tonight reporters. They all have perfect heads of hair and are 25. But then someone could say to me, well, TJ look at some of the most successful broadcasters out there who are men. John McLaughlin is almost 90 years old and McLaughlin Group shows no signs of slowing down. Pat Robertson coming up on 90 years old and he's still on every single day for his TV show. Bill O'Reilly is sort of a sprightly youngster cruising in him about to hit 70. So we can always look for excuses as to why we're somehow less than perfect. And of course there can be discrimination based on looks. I prefer to focus on what we actually have control over. All of us have control over what we say. We have control over how we say it. We have control over whether or not we're going to really breathe life into ideas. So Debbie, I have no doubt looking at some of your writings and other things you've shared with me that you have that. And my recommendation is to really focus on your strengths and focus on your assets. Don't worry about plastic surgery. I'm not saying it's always awful, but let's focus on what we can control. More in a moment.

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A word about cosmetics. I'm not some purist who says, no, it's awful. If you ever have cosmetic surgery, it's the end of the world. No, I'm not saying that. But I can tell you, you go out to Hollywood, you go out to Los Angeles, go to any Starbucks, go to any cafe, everybody there is gorgeous beyond belief. And I don't mean to sound condescending. They're waiting tables. So there's a huge, huge supply of people who are physically beautiful. And to a lesser extent, you see that here in the New York City here there are a whole lot of really good looking people stuck in boring jobs and their looks are just not helping them much because they haven't figured out, figured out a way of differentiating themselves. They haven't figured out a way of coming up with a unique message. They haven't come up with interesting insights and an interesting style. That is what is so much more important than having a generic look of youth and beauty. Of course, if your goal is to be a Runway model and you're five foot two, male or female, yeah, you're probably not going to succeed. That is a highly, highly specialized niche of the world. But if your idea is to speak well, Ruth Westheimer, Dr. Phil, again, I could complain and say, well, it's no fair. I never got my chance to be a big time nationally syndicated broadcast talk show host. It's not fair because Hollywood is discriminated against guys with less than perfect hair, not. So all things being equal, sure it's better to have a beautiful head of hair, but my hair is great compared to Dr. Phil and Matt Lauer and I have, I guess, been sharing the similar hair trends for quite a while. Doesn't seem to be hurting Matt Lauer. So that's my real challenge to all of you is don't just focus on some ideal perfection that really not that many people have. Now back to I promised you I would give you some exceptions to the rule. Certainly if you want to be a Broadway or a Hollywood star and you're young and you want leading roles, there may be Things you have to do. So, for example, Rob Lowe, who's been a star for 30 plus years, apparently, according to what he says in his own interviews, he went completely gray in his mid-20s. So he's basically always dyed his hair. Now, he happens to have a full, thick head of hair. So when you dye your hair, your hair is full and thick. It generally looks better than if it's really thin and balding. But if he had just said, no, I want to be me, I want to be pure, I don't want to change anything, I seriously doubt he would have been cast as a romantic lead in all the movies and TV shows he was cast as if he had maintained that I have to be true and have to have gray hair because it just isn't what people think of in a young romantic comedy if somebody's hair looks like what it would in their mid-40s or 50s or 60s. And he's 25. So there are exceptions. Ronald Reagan famously dyed his hair. Really till the end of his days. He had a hairdresser come in to the White House by reputable reported accounts, every other Tuesday a night is here. You know what? It worked for him. People occasionally make fun of it. So the key is it's got to be something in proportion and you can't let that be the sole object of people's attention. Otherwise it becomes an object of mockery. Even there, there are exceptions. Donald Trump has all we could do a month's worth of shows on what he's done with his hair hasn't seemed to hurt his career at this point, but I wouldn't suggest it as a role model for you. Debbie, thanks for the inquiry. I do hope you continue to seek out every opportunity possible to speak and that you do not let your age or your looks ever slow you down. I'm not letting my age and looks slow me down. And believe me, it was a much prettier picture 25, 30 years ago.

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