TJ Walker satirizes Pete Hegseth's military speech and Trump's unfounded attacks on Fed Chair Jerome Powell, noting the media spent weeks on the accusation but barely covered Powell's exoneration. He also mocks politicians like Kristi Noem for preaching family values while their own lives contradict it.
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Ultimize. America is fighting a war with Iran. Gas is up, missile stockpiles are down. So yesterday, the Secretary of Defense gathered 600 troops at Quantico to finally name the real enemy: chins. Pete Hegseth gave his annual State of the Force speech, and he boiled his entire military philosophy down to one line, quote, no fatties, no Well, a slur I won't repeat. No beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals, just warriors. Pete, that's not a military doctrine. That's the bouncer's list at a frat party. Pete Hegseth has the gravitas of a 20-year-old fraternity president, the kind of frat with a lawyer on retainer and its own reserved parking space at the Title IX office. And the beards— Pete cannot let go of the beards. Pete, the vice president has a beard. Don Jr. has a beard. Eric has a beard. Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago looks like a ZZ Top reunion. Then Pete bragged, quote, the patriotic cowboys are in with testosterone testing on top. Testosterone testing? Today it's your hormone. Tomorrow it's a tape measure. Minimum 6 inches, soldier. And I'm not talking about the haircut. There's just one problem with that policy, Pete. The first man disqualified is the guy holding the tape measure. J.D. Vance already explained his beard. Quote, when I was a young United States Marine, I did not have a beard. And a Trump advisor once said that without the beard, Vance looks like he's 12 years old. So it's not facial hair, it's a fake ID. Then Pete went after the press. Quote, a free press is, of course, important, but when a man says, of course, but that but's doing more work than our missile defense. Then, quote, it's sick. It's a national betrayal. It's treason, actually. What did the reporters do? They reported that troop morale is low and munitions are running short. Pete, the problem isn't that reporters said we're low on munitions. The problem is we're low on munitions. You don't fix an empty gas tank by arresting the fuel gauge. As a personal development guy, I admire one thing about Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. He sets measurable goals. Fewer beards? Check. Fewer generals? He bragged about a 20% cut. Check. Fewer reporters? He's working on it. Pete is crushing every metric Except the one called winning the war in Iran. Since February, at least 19 American service members have been killed. Diesel is up 77% from a year ago. Oil was about $72 a barrel before the war. Now it's near $97. You're paying more to drive to work, more to heat your house, and more for everything that comes on a truck, which is everything. But hey, there are fewer soul patches in the Army. Mission accomplished. Somewhere in Tehran, a general is staring at a satellite photo going, they're out of missiles, but look at those jawlines. Pete says the president likes to tell him, quote, Pete, central casting. Not Pete, brilliant strategist. Just Pete, you look great playing a Secretary of Defense. The most accurate thing Donald Trump has ever said. He'd also announced a new autonomous warfare command and brought in Elon Musk to advise on the future of war. Hold that thought. Calling people traitors without evidence is a proud tradition in this administration, and nobody does it better than the founder. For months, Donald Trump told America that Fed Chair Jerome Powell was a crook. Trump said the Fed's building renovation cost, quote, hundreds of billions of dollars more than it's supposed to cost. Hundreds of billions of dollars, he claimed. The entire project is about $2.4 billion. That's a man rounding the way he fills out his taxes. Trump also said he could have done the job for $25 million. Sure, Trump can build anything for $25 million. Then the company files for bankruptcy and the contractors get paid in hats. Trump's Justice Department opened a criminal investigation of Powell. Subpoenas. Front-page headlines. And yesterday, the Fed's inspector general released a 120-page report. The verdict? Perfectly managed? No. But crimes? None. Quote, at no point during our evaluation did we find reasonable grounds to believe that a violation of federal criminal law had occurred. So the accusation got the front page for days and days and days and days. The exoneration got page D11, right next to a coupon for gutter cleaning. And what actually blew up the budget? Partway through, the Fed switched from open-plan offices to mostly closed offices. The crime of the century. Economists asked for doors. Lock them up in their new private offices. This is the Trump method. Accuse anybody who won't obey you of a crime. Soak up months of headlines. When the facts clear them, Accused 3 new people. In my courses, I teach a simple rule: never make an accusation you can't back up. Trump teaches the advanced class: never back one up, just make a new one. Donald Trump isn't on the same page as the truth. He's not even in the same library. He's out in the parking lot selling commemorative library card sneakers. Speaking of people from Trump's inner circle now drowning in paperwork, Kristi Noem has filed for divorce. The former Homeland Security Secretary— Trump fired her in March— actually filed for divorce back in April, and the papers just went public this week. 6 months, the only secret Kristi Noem ever successfully kept at Homeland Security. Kristi built her entire political brand on family values, the ranch, the high school sweetheart. The book about how he courted her. Also in her book, the time she shot her dog, which looking back was a red flag for the whole family values thing. Then came the rumors about her and Trump advisor Corey Lewandowski, which she called, quote, tabloid garbage, but never actually denied. Now, I know everyone wants me to talk about her husband's online situation. The internet has a whole folder. I'm not doing it. You can look it up. That man is a private citizen, and frankly, he suffered enough. He was married to Christie Noem. So here's my rule: when a politician spends 20 years bragging about her family values, ask one follow-up question. How's the dog? Maybe 2 follow-up questions. How are the balloons? But don't count Christie out. She's got a big future. The Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago. Hair like a lacquered motorcycle helmet. Makeup applied by a crop duster. Episode 1, Christie throws a glass of Chardonnay in Melania's face. Melania doesn't flinch. Melania hasn't flinched since 2005. Would you like to be the sort of successful person who is dominating news, at least in your industry? Well, if so, it's time to up your skills. At ultimize.com, I've created online courses to help you do that. Now, here's the thing. No obligation. You can get a free course on communication skills, a free course on how to build better habits. All you have to do is go to ultimize.com. That's ultimize.com. No obligation. Go there now. The New York Times says AI anxiety is now showing up in therapy. People lie on the couch and tell their therapist they're terrified a robot will take their job. And the therapist nods and thinks, same. Now, as a personal development guy, let me offer some perspective. Humans have predicted the end of the world since the world began. In the 1950s, kids were taught that a school desk would protect them from a nuclear bomb. The desk won. Then Y2K— every computer on Earth was going to crash at midnight. My toaster didn't even blink. Then 2012— the Mayan calendar ran out. Turns out the Mayans just ran out of rock. Every doomsday prediction in human history has been wrong. That doesn't mean they'll always be wrong. Someday, somebody will call it exactly right, and there won't be anyone left to give him credit. But wrecking the only life you have today over a catastrophe that may never come isn't caution. It's paying interest on a loan you never took out. That's why I'm launching a new course. Thriving Beyond AI Anxiety. 12 modules. Full disclosure, AI wrote all 12. It keeps telling me there's nothing to worry about. Hmm. Which is exactly what I'd say if I were planning a takeover. But relax, folks. Remember Pete's new robot army? Those robots are being trained by Pete Hegseth. They won't take over the world. They'll spend the entire war checking each other for beards. The first army in history that can't find Iran, but will absolutely find your soul patch. I'm TJ Walker. Thanks for joining me. See you tomorrow. Ultimize.
