Deep Dive: Myleik Teele on What No One Tells You About Parenthood

You're listening to Good inside with Dr. Becky and this is quite the episode. Maileak Teal and I talk about all the things we wish people told us about the early stages of parenthood. Plus share our personal experiences as new moms. All of this and more, right after a word from our sponsors. You. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good inside. I couldn't be more excited for today's.

Deep Dive guest Mailik. Teal Mailik is the founder of Curlbox, a serial entrepreneur, a mother of two young kids, and an all around amazing human being. Maileek and I met through Instagram and we've had countless conversations about motherhood, partnership and cycle breaking. As I truly feel honored to call my leak a friend. And I know that every time I talk with her, I will learn something new, reframe something in a new way, become impassioned to make change, and without a doubt laugh until I'm crying. So with that in mind, let's jump in.

Hi Myleik.

Hi Dr. Becky.

I hope all my days involve conversations with you. I feel like we've had a good run the last couple days.

We have. It's been good. Yes.

Tell everyone who you are.

Okay. My name is Mailek Teal. I am a serial entrepreneur, community builder. I founded a company, Curl Box, which is a subscription service for curls. And I am a new mom of two, three years old and one. And I met Dr. Becky on Instagram during the pandemic. Like most of us.

How. How did we connect first? Do you remember?

I think you shared something. One of my favorite things is when you talk about sort of like sturdy leadership and how, you know, you're on an airplane and your kids are yelling, you're yelling. It's like, what are we doing? And. And I reposted this. I think I reposted it and I think a ton of my followers shared it. And then I think you DM me like, oh my goodness, like you sent a lot of people my way today. And I think we, we started DMing and then we had a. We FaceTimed and I started checking out some of your workshops, and the reparenting one just. I was, you know, watching it. The kids are yelling, the TV's on, and I'm listening to it like, this is it. This is it. How can I share Dr. Becky with everyone in my world?

Well, I love sharing you now with all these people in my world, and you are one of the sturdiest leaders I know. And I feel so drawn to you for that just energy you have inside you and that you share. So I know we could talk about a million things, but I know we talked a little bit before this about kind of like, how are we preparing ourselves for parenthood? And I know me and you joke. It's like, I love Bye Bye Baby, but, like, we're not gonna be talking about the registry of Bye Bye Baby.

We're not. We're not. And I spent so much time on my first registry, I had like 200 things on it, and I got most of it. And it's like, I mean, I spent months on it. And so we joke like, this is not about what you're getting. This is not about your registry. This is not about what prenatal you're taking. This is about the stuff that I wish someone had seriously talked to me about. And I don't know what prevents a lot of other women from sharing it. I know that there is this shame around saying that this is tough. And so I think we should talk about it. You and I had. I talked to you on the phone about it, and I was like, there are a lot of people that are pre parents and who are interested in you for the re parenting and the pre parenting. And I want to talk to you about self, what happens to you as an individual. You know, it's all about your birth plan. And it's like, but what about you after this? What about your relationship? The couple and the baby? Because it gets wild.

Yeah, it's. You know, I don't know why I'm thinking about this conversation that we just started. We're gonna have as like, the emotional registry.

Ooh, right. The emotional registry. And what are you putting. Like, what do you need?

Yeah. And how much time do you need to spend on that? Because it's probably more than whatever time you need in the product registry. Probably. Definitely.

Definitely.

So let's start. Let's start using our time.

Let's start the emotional registry.

Emotional registry. The transition to parenthood.

Okay. Let's talk about the self. And I think the biggest thing you said is just this deep sense of Loss.

It's the best way to start because we expect the opposite weight loss. Did you miss what I. No. No. I'm having a baby. That's plus one. Right?

Right.

And you're like, yeah, yeah, no, no. Me and you Both had the plus one and the plus two. I have the plus three and 100%. This is a. Two things are true. There is a lot we gain when we have a baby, and there's a lot we lose or that we have to fight to keep. What did you have to fight to keep? Or when you think about that, what do I still have to fight to keep?

It was so tough for me because I didn't expect to not know myself at all. Like, I didn't expect to just feel like I was constantly standing outside of myself. Like, not even it really. You know, sometimes it's like, it's the physical changes, but it's just this thing of, like, this schedule now, you know, the crying. It's like, I didn't realize how much I should have valued how quiet, like, my house was. And so it's like, it's the crying. It's. It's the feeding. It's the. The schedule. Is he getting enough sleep? You know, his brain development, you know, and then this constant prep for the next stage, and it's just like, where am I in this? And. And I promised myself, Dr. Becky, that I wasn't going to become, like, supermob. Everything about me is not gonna be about being a mom. I am gonna be my own woman. I will get back in my heels. I will wear my jeans. And it was this constant, daily fight of, like, but my feet hurt. I can't. Yes.

And just for everyone listening. Right. I know. Maileik and I. This is not like a fear episode. This is not like, don't. Don't do it, you know?

No, everything is lost.

No, but knowledge is power. And I always think that feelings are hard enough to deal with that. If we layer on surprise or, oh, I didn't know I was gonna feel this way, or is this normal? Or nobody told me this, or nobody talks about this, so I must be weird or a bad mom to be feeling this way. If we add any of those elements to the already hard feelings, well, that's what balloons them into impossible feelings. So for everyone listening, this is meant to help you prepare. So when inevitably hard moments come or we're going to get more into this idea of what really feels lost or what do I have to fight to keep? At least you'll be able to say to yourself, I totally remember two moms talking about this. So I'm right there next to them, like, okay, this feeling stinks, and it's hard. And there's nothing wrong with me for feeling it.

Yes. Because you'll look on social and you'll see everyone looking happy, and it's like, why is that not my experience?

Exactly. So this idea of loss, right? Loss of quiet, loss of. Loss of time.

Time. What was I doing with my time?

My husband and I always joke. We were on the subway one day, and we were, like, with our baby, like, going somewhere, doing a million different things.

Yeah.

And we were looking at each other being like, what did we used to do on the weekend? Right. And you're like, I feel like we did, like, brunch and shopping. Like, is that what. Like, I feel like that's made up, like, eight hours. I don't even know. Like, we go get eggs and we'd, like, peruse a store. Like, what happened to that?

What happened? Yes.

Right. So. And it's not to say you can't do that, but what does that require?

Yes.

Planning a nap schedule. A sense of, okay, well, the baby might wake up. If the baby's with me, can I ask a parent? Do I have a parent nearby? Do I have anybody I can trust? Oh, I don't. Like, it involves so, so much. And it's important when you have a baby and you have that weekend to be prepared for. My weekends feel really different. And I can love my baby and miss having brunch. I can love being a mom and miss the quiet. I can love feeding my child and miss the time when I had no responsibility to feed anyone else but myself. Both are true.

And we don't have to feel bad about that.

Right. And the more we can get in that mindset in advance, I'm just gonna have many feelings, and they're gonna be mixed. It's not gonna be all from the good, amazing bucket. And I think you're right. There's this glamorization of my baby means everything. So we really need. It's like, like, yeah, just laugh. Just stop. Just stop. Right? Yeah, totally. Sometimes I'm like, I'm just glad you've established, like, that's not exactly, like, my. My vibe. I'm just not going to spend more time in the, like, parenting is just amazing space. Like, we've established that because parenting is amazing. And parenting is so hard. And becoming a parent really means that the things that used to feel good for us, just us, we have to really make efforts to preserve that. So, Maile, what would you tell a mom? And it's not always this concrete, but the first couple weeks, if they know they're gonna have some loss, how can they preserve something that's theirs or for.

Them, something that I did the second time around because I didn't know that it was, the loss was going to be so strong is that I really had a plan going into the second child and I really managed sort of like who I wanted around, how often I wanted them there. I had like, the food already. I, I hired, you know, and I, and I recognize the privilege in this, but I, I, I made sure that I had my food planned because I had someone come who did the grocery shopping, who, who. There was just always food for me in the refrigerator that I didn't, you know, I didn't have to do anything but either, you know, heated or eat it. Salads. And I, I even planned for postpartum massage. Just, you know, trying really hard to just ground myself and, and I, and, and, and truthfully. And then I just broke some of the rules. You know, I think I was just like you, you have this long list of, I think, motherhood. There's this, this laundry list of do this and don't do that. This is okay, but this is not okay. And I was like, you know, I've kept the first one alive. I think I'm going to really do what I think is going to work for me. And I did. And I just remember something else that I did is I, you know, this, that I have been in therapy weekly for nearly a decade. And I just kept my sessions. And so I, it was just like, you're responsible for the baby when I have this 45 minutes.

Yes.

And so son of my skin out on my front porch zooming with my therapist. And I remember her giving me like, I'll never forget this compliment. She was like, you are, you look like the most well rested new mom I've ever seen. And I'm like, because I am serious about this, this time around.

Yes. Having time for yourself after you've had a child is a battle, especially when they're a baby and they're so unpredictable. So. Especially with your first kid. Right. The idea that, oh, if I want to eat a salad, if I want to have a bite of a sandwich, that actually might be hard to do sitting down by myself. Right. And so is it therapy? Is it taking a walk? I think often about how many people want to get you baby gifts and for everyone. Right. Now to think, should I be saying those people? Honestly, I'd rather you sign up for a day and. And bring me a meal. Maybe I'd rather that. Or I'm going to ask half the people, do I really need the this toy and the that toy? Right. If I can't afford to have someone cook my meals, could I tell someone that's actually what I would like as a gift. Right? A day of dinner.

Yes.

And then I don't have to worry about it so I can get that time to myself so I don't have so much loss. Because now instead of, oh, no, what am I going to eat? I might be able to take a long shower. I might be able to watch a TV show. Not while feeding. Just me watching a TV show with nobody else. Right. And thinking in advance, I actually think about all the baby gifts I got. That if someone else had given me something that kind of sustained me and that would have allowed me to take that walk or watch that show or do something else really, just for me, maybe exercise. Ugh, that would have given me so much more.

But I think something we should. I want to just say, and definitely get your thoughts on this is that there is something about motherhood that I think the. The idea of sacrifice, that you're not a good mother if you're not running yourself ragged and like, letting people know, you know, I'm running, I'm doing laundry, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And I know that there is a level of guilt around, like, you should never look relaxed or you should never look refreshed. Like, you should look like you're struggling, because that's kind of what it is. And so how do you. You know, I've seen some new moms who were like, yep, the. The baby's with grandma and I'm going to the spa, you know, and people you can see in the comments of, like, you know, this is crazy. One time, Dr. Becky, before you ever met me and I had my first kid, I kind of just wrote about how I was taking care of myself and how I think I. I left him. I think he was maybe two, three months, and I maybe went for like a day to out of town, and someone emailed me. Someone emailed me, like, how dare you leave your kid behind when you beg to have these kids? And I was just like, first of all, who are you? But it just made me think how many people actually deal with this from stranger or family members where they feel like if they're not sacrificing they aren't being good parents. Wow.

I mean this is so important. Yes. We need to, we need to get rid of that idea of good motherhood means self sacrificial motherhood or even the idea of selfless. Like to me that's the most disturbing idea as a parent, as a sturdy leader you want me to be without saying self. Like that's really that, like how am I going to do anything? Running around in circles. I know it's not good for me as an individual and I can say definitively it's not good for your kid. It is not good for your kid to have a leader who can't be located because they are seriously running ragged. So yes, we need to change this. The first thing I would ask people to reflect on is, is really is what do I know about my relationship with my own needs? Right. It always goes back to this. Miley. We always talk about this. How do I feel about the fact that I need things for myself? Does that make me kind of have a panic attack? I know so many women who say to me, my life would be easier if I didn't need things for myself. They we've learned this. Yeah, if I could just caretake and be and fill myself up by pouring myself out, life would be easier. It doesn't make sense even visually. Right. But we've been taught this. And so to the degree taking care of yourself away from a child leaves you with guilt, I think it's really powerful to consider. Like I didn't come out of the womb that way. Like there's no way I came into this world thinking I want to have no needs, I want to just do for others. That's something we've learned through our family of origin, through society, through gender roles, through traditional ideas of motherhood. So many different things and we can't in one fell swoop unlearn that. But we can get curious about our discomfort. So I would say to parents is it's really important to be curious about that guilt rather than read the guilt as a sign that you're doing something wrong. That discomfort is probably a sign you're doing something new. It's very new for me to say, yes, I love my child and yes, I need time away because I actually do have needs for myself that aren't fulfilled, filled by taking care of others. That's new. And whenever we do something new that's uncomfortable. So that's the first thing. The other thing I would say is you really did get an email from someone criticizing you. But so Many of us determine our actions by what we fear other people are thinking.

Yes.

No one even says anything. What would this person think? What are. What are my mom friends gonna think if I don't show up to the playgroup because I say, oh, actually, I needed to do this thing for myself? If we're going to get into the thoughts and minds of other people, we might as well make them work for us. I always think that, like, why we're making it up. Okay.

Right.

So I have so often imagined myself when I've gone away for a weekend or I've just said, I need to go do this thing for myself, I will imagine the people around me being like, you go, girl. You are setting a great role model for your child. That I love you and I'm there. But you know what? Sometimes I need to be there for myself, and that's important, too. I actually make up that they're cheerleading for me. We might as well, right? And I think that's really powerful to say. Yeah. I'm not going to that Mommy and me group. I'm going to imagine the other one saying, you're an inspiration for me because I know you're a great mom. I know you, and you're showing me great moms don't quote, do it all. They don't run themselves into the ground. They pause and take care of themselves. You're inspiring me. You might as well make up those thoughts, and it can really then feel empowering instead of. Instead of kind of so crushing.

Yeah. So I do want to bring this up because I know we would be remiss if we didn't. There's something about having a baby. I feel like in your relationship, you don't know the person you're with until you enter this new parenting relationship. And all of a sudden it's like, who are you? You know, did I ever know you? And you and I were talking about, in ways to prepare, having some conversations, like, what are the real conversations that you should be having besides middle names? Names, you know? Yes. And so on.

So now we're doing emotional registry for the couple.

Yes.

Right. If you. If you're with. If you're with someone raising your child, great. So, you know, you said something interesting. We haven't. We haven't talked about this before. I don't know if I've ever thought it before, but you get to know someone. Let's say you have a partner. You get to know them. And I think the part that's surprising when we raise a kid is, oh, I am just watching your childhood play out. I am literally watching the way you were raised.

Yes.

Play out now. And I didn't know all that. Like, I was living with 30 year old you. I was living with 40 year old you. I was living With 25 year old you. Wow. I just watched the first 18 years of your life happen in the way you reacted to our kid. I just watched the way your parents parented you. It's not even conscious. And we really learn so much about our own childhoods and our partner's childhoods when we have a child. So often in my private practice, people will be talking to me about, oh, I really struggle to, to stay calm when my kid's crying or my baby's crying. I know they're just a baby, but us does something in me. And if I say something that's so concrete to them, as I wonder how you are responded to during your tough moments, they'll say, I don't remember. Right. Memory is, we have such a limited idea of memory. You don't remember with your words. Oh, you just lived that memory. That memory came out. If you have a hard time maintaining a sense of groundedness and sturdy leadership when your child is dysregulated, we know from your body circuitry. It's the best evidence we have. Wow. It must have been really, really hard for my parents to stay grounded when I was in a state of distress. And so what did I learn to do as a child? Shut down, shut down, go away, go away, go away. What happens when my child cries? Shut down, shut down, go away, go away. And we try to make it all go away.

Yeah.

And I know so many people with their partners, it is hard to watch this because some of these issues never come up until you have a kid.

They don't. They, they do not. And I remember bringing my son home and like I said, the crying, I, like, I started to realize with my partner that he was raised in a way of, like, positive everything. You know, if anybody, if there's crying, if there's sadness, like, everyone's working so hard to get back to the happy place. So it's like, how fast can we, like, stop the crying? How fast can we feel better? How fast can we stop arguing about whatever it is that I'm doing? You know, and it was like, oh, my goodness. And I think the difference between he and I is that I had done all of this sort of like work in therapy. And so I kind of knew, though this was, you know, maybe this would be my natural reaction I was, I'm always sort of like playing through, you know, what else could I do? Or you know, how can I stay calm and also just not being like understanding that babies cry. I think I want to know a couple of Sauls from you because this is what I was talking to the other day and I was like, okay, so what is the conversation that we can have with, with someone before we're using the Flow app and planning? What do I need to know?

So I'm gonna take a page from the Gottmans book and if anyone here wants to learn more about them, the Gottmans are just expert, amazing, data driven couples therapists who have an amazing blog with a million resources and amazing books to read with your partner. And they really get to the essence of how to communicate, how to connect. So they have this concept called love maps and I love it. And they say we really need to become expert in our partners love maps and not from the perspective of fixing it, but really just getting to know it. So how might that look in advance of having a child? That's a great conversation like you said. Maileak. Hey, let's just talk about the fact that babies cry. Okay? You know babies cry. I know babies cry. How do you think your parents dealt with you when you cried?

Yeah.

Who had more tolerance, who couldn't deal, who avoided, who got to happy? Who yelled? What about, okay, let's make up a situation. You're in a toy store buying a present for a cousin for their birthday and you start wailing on the floor as a three year old saying, I want this too. What happens? You go first and then I go first. Of course we don't really remember, but my guess is every single person could probably say how their parents would have responded. Let's learn about that. Right? And if a partner's like, why are we talking about this? Right. I think you can be very direct. Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, we're bringing a child into the world and it's really important we know as much about each other as possible. And also there's this idea I learned about that I just thought was really interesting that we can want to parent a certain way. And that's logic in our brain. Separate from that is how we were parented. And actually how we were parented impacts how our body develops circuitry and that activates before our thoughts. It can overpower. So even if we want to do things one way, if we don't have a baseline understanding of how we were responded to, we really won't have the foundation to even do things differently. And I know we both want to parent in a way that's respectful and blah, blah, blah. So there's no criticism. There's not. Well, I'm saying this because I think your mom was pretty bad. We both know that. No, this is a connection building exercise. And what's your role if your partner does open up? Really? I'm going to be very concrete here. I'm so glad you're sharing that with me. That's really important. Oh, I bet. I bet that didn't feel good for you. I know you don't even consciously remember, but maybe I had something similar. I'm sure that didn't feel good for me also. Wow. We both want to do things really differently than our parents did them in that respect. Not, hey, what are you going to do about that? We don't want to make this, you know, a me against you situation. Just really safe and connected at first.

Yes.

And then I think also other conversations with your partner. Who changed diapers, who washed bottles, who knew the schedule. Right. And if there were rigid gender roles. Right. Surfacing that now is really important because if you want to do things differently, then we have to know for ourselves what the gender roles were and for our partner. Just because someone says, well, my dad never changed diapers, it doesn't mean for me, I would say to my husband, well, I guess you don't have to change diapers. Right? No. But it gives me an understanding that when I get frustrated, oh, I wish he would change more diapers. Let's say if I can say to myself, yes, and he's breaking cycles right now, I do want him to do more and I can talk to him about that. Let me just soften for a second. Thinking every diaper he changes is actually a really big shift. So let me go in. Yes. With my desire, but also with my foundational understanding.

Yes. Yes. Okay. So emotional registry.

Self and couple.

Self and couple. And now I want to talk about the baby emotional registry and all the food. Like.

Yeah, let's just talk about that first. Yeah. Like kind of the most important thing.

Why isn't there ever anything that tells you that you will spend most of your day your. Your before you go to bed, the moment you wake up thinking about all 700 meals your kid's gonna need that day? Is there any nutritional value? Will they still like it this time? Will they have an allergic reaction? Did they get enough? Are they. They hungry? I.

The food, the food, the food. It's really true. I think I have 10 minutes of my day where I'm not thinking of my. My children's foods or having to do. I really think those 10. Those are my Zen meditation minutes. The other moments, it's. When you have a baby, they eat constantly.

Yes.

People need to know that, too. Like, oh, the feeding schedule. Yeah. Not in the beginning. They're eating, they're sleeping, they're eating, they're eating. They're.

It's on demand. It's. It's constant.

It's constant. And. And then, okay, you might think, oh, I don't have a baby anymore. It's either. Right? I'm ordering food. I'm wondering if I have food. I'm cooking food, I'm giving food. I'm making new food. I'm cleaning up, I'm cleaning up, and then I'm giving my child the same plate. I swear, it's two minutes later. Evidently, hours have passed. But now we're eating new food, now we're having a snack, now we're cleaning that. And then you get to those maybe 10 minutes, or maybe those 10 minutes are spread throughout the day, and you're like, why do I feel lighter? And you're like, because I'm not thinking about food. That's the only reason. And then you're back to thinking about, that's it.

It's. It's the sip, the bottles, the sippy cups, the open. You've got to do the open cup training. The straw. Does this. Will this spill? Will this stay cold? It's just. It's never ending. It's never ending. And so the second time around, because I know that there's so much feeding and when they're small, it's like they. It's so slow. Is that I made this like. Like Netflix playlist of, like, of just stuff that I wanted that I knew I'd want to see. Because you're going to sit down and it's just. It takes a. It takes a while.

Yes. It takes these images of, like, I'm just going to stare into my baby's eyes and just. It's going to be so amazing for like, 10 hours of a day. Right? Great. Do that when that feels right. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, any feeding can connect with your baby. But also it's just a lot of hours. And in the beginning. Right. Let's do some truths about babies right now. Let me say, just for the record, I feel like babies are amazing. You just produce this tiny human. It popped out and, like, it's. It's amazing. And there's so much love. And there are these amazing moments. Yes. And. And I'm gonna try to think, who's gonna say it first? Babies are not fun.

They're not fun.

They're not fun.

We said it. They're not fun.

Babies are not fun. They're not a party. Okay. It's not. No one's at the disco. Okay. It's just this ball of dependency.

Yes. If you like people being heavily dependent on you, you probably. There's a part of this that you will enjoy. But if you are fiercely independent and you're used to doing your thing, this can be really hard.

I think that is something we want to underline for people because, look, having a baby is hard and exhausting. Right. For. For everyone.

Right.

For moms, for dads, for everyone involved. And there is this kind of temperamental difference. I've noticed. And when you spoke to. If you kind of like dependency, let me just say there's nothing wrong with that and right at all. If you're someone who you really love caregiving.

Yes.

You love having someone close to you. You're a cuddler. You like that closeness. And you think, oh, a baby on my chest. I love holding babies. It's still going to be hard. It's still going to be exhausting. But the baby stage will speak to some of your strengths. It really will. And there's a different kind of temperament where you're thinking, I am someone who actually even likes the people around me to be a little bit more independent. And what's really interesting, I've noticed. Right. Is that baby stage is a little bit extra hard. If you're someone who likes, like you said, a little bit more of that independence, that doesn't mean you're a bad mom. That doesn't mean you're going to have a horrible first year. But going into it, kind of doing a self assessment.

Yes.

Where am I and Myleik, I think you and I and just two people. Sample size of 2 right now. We're similar.

Yes.

Right. I did not cry when my babies were done breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I didn't.

No.

Oh, are you gonna miss this? I was like, no, I'm not.

Yeah. Yeah.

But other people are like, I'm really gonna miss that. Nothing wrong. We're all different.

Yep.

And so just to know where you are on that helps. That emotional registry, preparing for a baby.

I think what's difficult is that you look in their eyes, you don't know what they're thinking. You don't know what they like, what's going on. And so sometimes it's like there's a connection. Sometimes it feels like a total stranger. It's, you know, I remember being like, I, I didn't know you and now, like, I see you every day. You're my person. But what's happening? And so I think, and I took notes from the last time we, we talked about it, but it's like, what are some of the solves of how we can build our emotional registry for the hard times in those first. You know, the first eight weeks are tough. The first before they sit up is tough.

I was just thinking it'd be really amazing on your emotional registry to go into the baby stage with a mantra. Like to literally have a mantra prepared for yourself. Yes. And practice it before you need it. Like, have it as an alarm and you're going to read it maybe when you're pregnant or you're not even pregnant yet and you're thinking, I don't really even need this mantra yet. But we need to practice things when we don't need them, to access them when we do.

Yes.

So it could be any mantra. Right. But I'll give a few. This feels hard because it is hard. It's okay that I'm not enjoying this part of parenthood. My connection with my baby right now is not predictive of my connection with my child later in life. I really mean this. The baby stage was so hard for me. I know I've told you this.

Yeah.

Every day at like 4pm by the time it was like October, November, like 4pm gets like dark and it's the time of the day and you're like, in between. I would just like cry every day. I really would. And I'd be like, I don't even really know what I'm crying about. But I know it didn't feel great. And I don't cry at 4pm Now. And at 4pm I wasn't in the. Oh, I'm just loving motherhood. But telling myself the way I feel right now, it's not predictive of how I'll feel down the road. It's also not predictive of how I'll feel tomorrow morning. It's really not.

Yes.

So reminding yourself I'm allowed to feel what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling now isn't going to last. And it's also not a barometer of how good of a parent I am. That's so key to go in with that. Okay, a couple other solves. When it comes to a baby. We don't have to stop babies crying. We don't have to have any tricks to get them to be calm. The single most powerful tool is our calm presence during our child's distress. I'm going to kind of say that again because.

Because you need to. And it's amazing.

Yeah. And it's like kind of one of those things sometimes, like, the simplest words are also. It's like the most complicated concept when our kids are crying, when our kids are distressed. The most powerful tool we have is our calm presence. Why? And then what does that really look like? Calm presence? Because I feel like we got to be concrete about that.

Yeah.

When our child is really crying a baby and you don't even know why, we have to assume something's upsetting them and they can't regulate it. The feeling in their body is overpowering their ability to regulate that feeling. And I know we'd both raise our hands. That still happens to me in adulthood. The feeling in my body is overpowering my ability to regulate that feeling. Yes. Right.

Yes.

And what's kind of an inconvenient reality is that kids come into the world fully able to feel and not at all able to regulate. And I just think growing up is trying to close that gap as much as possible.

Yes.

Right. So they feel everything. They're hungry, they're uncomfortable. They need their diaper changed. They're. They have gas. Whatever it is, we're not going to know. Assume it's something real and remind yourself, what's my most powerful tool keeping my body calm? Because our kids feel our energy, and they feel whether we are able to stay grounded when they can't and when we are. That's literally the foundation for them to learn regulation. There's literally like a three words I'd put in an arrow. Dysregulation, which is a very fancy word for crying. Melting down. Right. Just being all over the place. That comes first for a child. How do they get to the last part, which is learning to regulate through something called co regulation, which is literally the process where I can't stay calm, but my parent can. And for everyone right now to imagine our kid is absorbing our calm and what that really says to them is this feeling that feels so overwhelming to me must be manageable because my parent isn't thrown off. My parent isn't scared of it. So what does that really look like? Practicing deep breaths. That should definitely be on everyone's emotional registry. It sounds like bs. Yeah. How many times can I hear About a deep breath. It's really a thing.

Yeah.

Like really deep breathing into your diaphragm. I'll model it here. And out slowly. Something I practiced a lot of before I became a parent and I've taught my kid. But I would say any pre parent should do this is to really imagine a deep breath as if you're breathing in slowly like smelling a delicious cup of hot chocolate.

Okay.

And breathing out like you have a straw. But you don't wanna breathe out so fast that you'd like blow the marshmallows. But if you had a straw, it'd be very slow because it's a trick. When we can do an out breath that's slower than our in breath, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our calm down system.

Oh wow.

It's the opposite of, of the type of fight or flight breathing we do which is like this.

Right.

So just making your mouth like a straw.

Right.

Tricks your body and going out very, very slowly. After you've calmed your body you can access words and a tone like this. I'm here. Those are great words against I'm here. I'm right with you. I love these words. And again, they're so simple for babies. Something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you. Something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you. I really mean it. None of us are mind readers. I never knew most of the time what was upsetting my child. But if when changing a diaper, when trying to feed, when putting in a stroller, I could say, first I take that deep breath, Becky. And then I say something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you. I am literally building probably the most important skill a child will ever learn, which is the skill of emotion regulation.

Yes. And just I think finding you during the pandemic and being able to do this with my toddler and then do it works with the baby. I know it sounds crazy and that's why I think you really need to like think about this. Think about this, you know, either pre parent or if you're going to have another because like she said, you're going to really say to yourself, am I really going to just sit here and breathe while my kids screaming? And it's like you are. And I always feel like when I center myself I'm just, I show it better.

It is this kind of paradox. The less attached we are to our kid calming down and more focused we are on just keeping ourselves calm. Actually, the faster a baby does come down because they feel that sturdiness from us.

Yes, yes.

But at every single age, we understand intention and the idea of someone respecting us. At every age, starting from birth, at every age.

Best thing about it, because we've talked about, you know, how hard it is, how, you know, difficult it is, all of the upsides, because it is worth it. And even these feelings that you have, they don't last, but they will come. They do come.

I think that's right. Look. And one of, you know, to me, one of the best upsides that I also think is not often talked about.

Okay.

Is I really think that if we go into parenting with kind of an open mind, I really mean this. Our kids teach us way more than we teach them. If we dedicate ourselves, we heal things, we find new parts of ourselves, we find our capability. We become more compassionate with ourselves when we notice, wow, I'm so hard on myself. Why? Where did that come from? How can I shift that? And then we can give that to our kids. And you watch your kids grow and you watch yourselves grow. And that's, like, the best feeling ever.

It is. It is. I think, you know, for me, everything you said and just what I'm realizing as a mom is like, who made all these rules? You know, who made who? Who said, you know? And so this morning, my son woke up. He wanted to play before he went off to school. And I was like, let's do that. Let's launch rockets for 10 minutes before you take off. And it's just like, I can do this. I absolutely love it. And I do think that it is. It's healing if you let it. You know, it could be triggering. But if you're open to it, it can be completely healing.

100%. Well, I always love talking to you. I know this will be one of many conversations we have about so many other important topics as well. So thank you for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

Maileik and I covered so much ground, it feels impossible to sum up this episode. Having said that, I know I'm one for concrete action.

So Here are the three takeaways that.

Are on the top of my mind. 1. Consider the idea of an emotional registry. We spend so much time on our physical registry thinking about the swaddles and the bottles and the toys. Spend a little bit of time thinking about your emotional life and the things you'll need in this important transition.

2.

It's okay to have many feelings about becoming a parent. The more prepared we are for the range of feelings that will come, including the hard ones, the more resilient we will be in tough moments.

3.

Let's all think about how we were Parented how we were parented isn't destiny. Not in any way. Rather, it's empowering to reflect on how we were parented because it gives us a baseline to understand our inclinations and our reactions. And from there, we can change.

For all you new parents out there, I have the perfect follow up to this episode, a workshop all about the first year of parenting. My Good Inside Right from the Start workshop teaches what really matters and what you can let go of, what babies need to feel safe and how you can better handle the ups and downs. Grab the recording, which you can watch over and over@learning.goodinside.com thanks for listening to Good Inside. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to goodinside.com and sign up for Good Insider, my free weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook at drbeckyoodinside for a daily dose of parenting and self care ideas. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, an executive produced by by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.