Does Praise Have Unintended Consequences?

You're listening to good inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good inside. Today we'll be talking about praise. Praise is actually kind of a tricky, controversial topic because on the surface it seems like, well, what's wrong with praise? Isn't praise great? Who doesn't like praise? What we're going to do here is, is look a little deeper because when our kids are younger, what they're actually learning is how to generate good feelings about themselves. They're learning, do good feelings about myself live in other people, and those people deliver those feelings to me through praise and external validation, or do good feelings live inside me? Can I generate those feelings myself in my mind? We really want to help our kids look in. We want them to see that they have good feelings about themselves, even if nobody is commenting on what they're doing. This is what leads to stable sense of self and self confidence rather than a sense of self or self confidence that's actually dependent on, on approval of other people. Now, let's be real. It always feels good to get approval or to get praise. There's no way around that. What I think we can imagine is a gap between how good I'm able to feel in the absence of praise versus how good I feel in the presence of praise. For our own mental health, we want the gap to. To be small, not large. Here's what this would look like in real life. Let's say I'm working in an office and I do a work project. I'm leaving the office and I want to be able to say to myself, I know I worked really hard. I have my own evaluation of what I did. I know I'm proud of the product. I feel pretty good leaving the office today. Now, let's fast forward a few hours and I get an email from my boss. And the email says, wow, Becky, great job. Of course that feels good. That would feel good to anyone. But what's key is how good I felt before I got that email versus how good I felt after I got that email. We don't want that difference to be massive. Where we can get into a lot of trouble is when we leave the office in a spiral because we honestly can't generate any good feelings about ourself or about what we just did before we get that praise or validation. Then of course you get the email and you have a wave of relief. But what's really happening is you're saying when I'm just on my own, I really don't know what feels good. I don't have a way to feel good. I am totally dependent on praise from other people. We really in my mind, want to build up our kids internal feeling foundation about how they feel about themselves. So that praise is icing on the cake, but not the thing responsible for our kids mental health and stability. With that in mind, let's hear from our first caller, Lindsay.

Hi, Dr. Becky. I have a five year old son, a three year old son and a one year old daughter. We are a military family that lives in Newport, Rhode island right now. But in a couple of weeks we'll be heading to Stuttgart, Germany. I wanted to call and ask about praise. I'm trying to make sure that I use praise properly in my home. I don't want to over inflate my children, but at the same time I don't want them to think that the good things that they do don't move my meter at all. For example, oh my goodness, you may pee in the potty or oh my goodness, thank you for cleaning up the table. It really helps our family when you do that. So I don't want my children to feel like I'm ambivalent towards the good things they do. Thank you, Dr. Becky.

Hi Lindsay. Thanks so much for calling in with this really important question. So a couple big ideas I think. First, our kids actually don't need us to praise them. For them to develop good, confident feelings about themselves, that's really important. So I want to say it another way. We don't need to load our kids with praise for them to feel valuable inside. In fact, I would argue that kids who are kind of wired to look out for praise, ooh, is that making my parent happy? Ooh, do my friends think I'm doing something cool? Those kids actually struggle to locate good feelings about themselves, which is why they're so desperately looking externally. You mentioned this idea of a meter which I think is really powerful. I want my kids to know that the things they do kind of can move my meter I have a kind of different view on that, which is that I hope my kids are oriented first to notice what kind of moves their own meters. In other words, what matters to me? What is it like when I'm working hard on something? What do I know I like? What do I know I'm trying at? What do I know I'm working toward rather than being oriented toward? I wonder if this will move someone else's meter. So how can we kind of bring those ideas together and answer your question? How can we praise kids in a way that actually helps them develop self confidence rather than hinders that really important process? The first thing I think about is pausing. We worry. And I hear it in you and I know I have the same concern that we worry when our kid does something awful. Awesome. That they're going to be hurt if we don't say something. They go pee in the potty or they do something new in sports or they come home saying oh, I was able to read my first chapter book first pause, just pause and see if your worry really plays out that our kids will be hurt. Often when we pause, our kids tell us the next part of the story. I peed in the potty. It felt so good. And then you pause and notice your kids smile. Smile that. Rather than loading onto that moment our reaction, our kid shares more of a feeling that lives inside them. So often as parents when we add on our praise, we deprive our kids of finding that feeling that lives in them. And then we actually train them for when they do something good. To look out for that good feeling. Instead of look in after pausing, we can do some other things. I try as often as I can remember to help my kids orient their gaze back in. So I might say something like this. How was that for you? Or how did that feel? And then what happened? So that might sound like mom, I scored a goal in soccer at recess today. I pause, I watch. Maybe my child continues. Or maybe I say, tell me more about that. Who passed it to you? Where were you in the field? And then what I'm really doing is instead of adding my judgment, even if it's positive, I'm actually getting more into my kids experience. Now I know more about what happened in that moment. I'm kind of infusing my support rather than taking away that pride which really belongs to my child. I've never met anyone in my private practice who comes to me and says my parents were were always so interested in what I was doing. They asked me a bunch of questions, but they Never told me, good job. And that really got in the way of my developing self confidence. I've never heard that. What I do hear a lot is adults reflecting on how important it felt to make people happy, to get the good job, to get the thumbs up, and how they've had to work really hard as adults to reclaim that sense of self, of what feels important to them, because they never developed that early on. So in summary, I would say pause and orient your kids back in. Ask them more questions. Ask them how they figured things out, and get into the experience with them so you could add your support and allow your child to feel the pride. Our next caller is Jill.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Jill, and I live in Los Angeles. I have two kids. I have a boy who's five and a girl who's three. And I wanted to call because I've really been thinking about something. I buy into this idea that we're not supposed to tell our kids, good job all the time, right? That too much praise makes kids just want to look for external validation from people all the time. And I've talked to my family about it and our caregivers about it. But I'll also say that it's just kind of awkward and unnatural and it sort of doesn't get supernatural. So at home, I find myself always holding back. I see you building those blocks. I see you practicing drawing. I see you coming to the table. I noticed that you were really cooperative when it was time to get ready for school this morning. Fine, I can do that. I find it also really hard when I'm out with my kids. So I'm at my son's soccer game, and I just want to be on the sideline like all the other parents being like, go, honey. And, you know, instead, I guess I'm supposed to say, like, I see you following the coach. So anyways, I'd love your help on how does this get better?

Hi, Jill. I totally relate to this. I have been in situations where I'm watching my own kids thinking, is it okay to say good job? Are those really such bad words? So let's start there. No one needs to take the phrase good job entirely out of their vocabulary. Give yourself permission right now to throw in a couple good jobs. When it feels right, I do this as well. Let's together zoom out and think about why these aren't the only words we want to use when we're witnessing our kids do something or when we're watching them perform so we can have other tools in our toolbox. As well. So sure, say good job. Allow yourself to speak freely, and try some other things that are a little bit more internally focused for your child rather than externally focused on. The thing that comes to mind for me is mirroring. I think one of the reasons it feels good to say good job is because it seems like we're joining in some excitement. Saying to a kid, I noticed you really listened when your kid is excitedly playing soccer. Doesn't feel like a good match. I agree. Mirroring is a good match. Mirroring what's happening for your child starts with pausing and seeing how your child is feeling. So you're watching your child do soccer, or you're watching your child do some other activity. And if you see your child is excited, you see this brightness, you see an energy. Yes. We want our reaction to match that. So your child runs over and is happily grabbing water during a water break. Feel free to say you're loving soccer today, or you're feeling so excited about soccer, you're so into it. I can see that. Or maybe it's so fun to watch you have so much fun. We're meeting a child where the child is at our praise or our good job isn't leading the interaction. Our child's internal feeling is what's dictating our response. We're then joining that child where the child already is. This is what ends up feeling really good to kids. Next idea. Ask more, tell less. Here's something interesting about the phrase good job. It stops a conversation. It's a conversation ender. Interestingly enough. Let's go over this with an adult example because it really drives home the point. Stop. So I'm thinking about if I redid my living room. I painted the wall some really interesting color. I got some new pillows. I got all new picture frames. I spent a ton of time changing the way my living room looks, and I was really excited about it. Now my best friend comes over. Think about her saying to me, becky, good job. I'm not really sure what I would say back, except thanks. It's kind of a shutdown as compared to a question. How did you think to paint the walls this color? Tell me more about choosing those different picture frames. So interesting. Oh, I see you got some new pillows too. Can you say more about that? Now I have a million things to say. Now my friend is actually interested in me in the process that led to the changes. Rather than labeling the changes as a good job for me, I can say without a doubt, even if she never said, good job redecorating I would feel so much more confident, so much better about myself after this conversation that was full of questions rather than her just coming over and saying, good job. That would actually feel really empty. So how do we translate that to our kids? I saw you dribbling through cones. I've never seen you do anything like that. Tell me about that. Ooh, I saw you were working on throw ins today. That's interesting. Soccer's a game with no hands, but throw into youth hands. How do you figure that all out? Any question that makes your child share their experience is an invitation for your child to get to know more about himself. And we love getting to know ourselves. We love sharing about ourselves. That's actually what brings way more confidence than someone saying, good job, in which case we really can only say thank you. And then the conversations over. One more idea. I think a lot about inside stuff versus outside stuff. And I know that sounds very kind of general and confusing, so let me explain what that means. Inside things are things that exist within my kids, things that aren't actually visible to the eye, and things that are within their control. Outside stuff is behavior or outcome. So as an example, in soccer, scoring a goal is an outside thing. Being a good sport when you lose, that's an inside thing. In art, oh, that's a pretty picture. That's an outcome. That's an outside thing. Oh, wow. You tried to draw a flower for the first time. I'm noticing that that's an inside thing. The motivation to try something new in school. You got 100 on a math test. That's an outside thing. Wow. You were studying a really long time last night. Even with that really tricky material, that's an inside thing. To me, when we notice or even praise and label the inside stuff in a kid, we teach a child to value their own process and what lives inside them instead of only being oriented toward the outcome. So maybe right now we can all think about an area with our kid where we can differentiate something inside versus outside. So your child plays baseball, and you're thinking, he does tend to hit a lot of home runs. I also know he's working on his pitching. Okay, I guess home runs would be something that's an outside thing. And if I wanted to make a comment after his baseball game on an inside thing, I could say something like, huh, I noticed you got up there and pitched. It's so hard to be a pitcher and have all that pressure. I was really cool to notice you taking that on. Right. I'm not even focusing on the strikeouts. I'M not focusing on what happened. I'm focusing on something that's inside my child that's under his control. Maybe my child is building a tower. An outside thing would be saying, that's the tallest tower you've ever built. Oh, my goodness. While an inside thing might sound like this, I noticed that the tower fell. And then you took a deep breath and you tried again. That was really cool to see. I'm building up my child's process, my child's sense of himself, which is really how a kid builds confidence over time. I want to add one more thought, Jill. You didn't expect explicitly ask this, but it comes up a lot with parents who say to me, okay, I'm rethinking this praise thing. But my child is such a praise seeker, it seems like there's almost nothing my child can do without glancing at me or even explicitly asking me, do you think this is good? Do you like my drawing? Did you think I scored so many goals at soccer? How did I do? How did I do? What do you think? What do we do in these moments? So let me walk through this number one label. What's happening? It might sound like this feels really important to get my opinion on this, huh? Or you drew that picture and now you really want to know what I think about it? I'm actually really differentiating you versus me. Then I go a step further. Sweetie, that's your drawing. You're the only one who could know what you like. This is going to be frustrating for a child. A child's probably going to say over and over, just tell me if you like it. Just tell me if it's better than the other one. Just tell me if you want to put up on your wall instead of the other one. Is it better than that one? Do you love it? Do you love it? A child who gets frustrated at your not answering, this is the best evidence you have to continue showing restraint and helping your child orient back in. It might sound like this. Tell me what you like about that picture. What's your favorite part? Huh? How did you think to use those colors? Wow, I see that you use some crayons, some markers, some colored pencils. How did you make each decision? Tell me more about that. When you get away from judging something as good or bad and instead learn more about your child's process, your child will often shift out of that obsession for your external validation because your child is discovering how much goodness lives inside her. Let's hear from our last caller, Jennifer.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Jennifer And I'm from Iowa, I have a six year old son and I'll just kind of launch into it. So my 6 year old is having just a really rough school year. His closest friends seem to just be doing so many things faster than him. They're reading faster, they're a bit more advanced with their sports and it's really just kind of starting to get to him when he comes home from school and he's just really upset about these things. My first instinct is to really just kind of like shower him with praise, kind of put the positive in his face. I guess you could say I'm a really positive person. I know he's going to figure it out and but I want him to have kind of this positive outlook on life and see things in the half full way, not half empty. I just don't want him to have an overall, I guess like negative outlook on life and even himself and his own abilities. So I do try to help him kind of see the positive. But I'm not sure that really my approach to this is working. We're approaching the end of the school year and what I've been doing kind of seems like it's going in the reverse. I guess you could say she's getting more and more frustrated. But I do kind of praise him and sing these songs of his accomplishments in the face of him just kind of being, I guess, frustrated and upset. So I just kind of ask your thoughts on this. I'm not really sure what to do right now and moving forward, so I'll appreciate any help I can get. Thanks so much.

Hi Jennifer, thank you so much for this question. So I hear you and I think you're like so many parents who when you see your kid upset, when you see your kid feeling down, you want to share so many of the things you see about your child that are amazing. Almost as if we can replace the down feelings with good feelings. And yet I'm going to ask you to take on a little experiment. I'm not trying to convince you of a different way, but rather I hear you saying this doesn't feel like it's really working or resonating. So here's a different approach approach and why don't you try it on for a few weeks, collect data and see how it goes when your child comes home upset about not reading well or not being as fast of a runner as someone else. Rather than trying to convince your child out of that by praising the things he's good at, show your child that you're not Afraid to be with him when he's feeling the exact way he's feeling. I know this feels counterintuitive because it seems like my job as a parent is to help my kid get to the happy feelings, the pride feelings. And yet when we show a child that we're willing to face the tough not so good about myself feelings, they're having those feelings become less scary to a kid. And a kid actually ends up gaining confidence in those moments because essentially a kid learns it's okay to be me. Even when I'm not a good reader, I'm still lovable and valuable and worthy even when I'm a slow runner. There's nothing that makes someone feel as good about themselves as when they feel like it's okay to be them when things aren't going their way. We all feel good about being ourselves when things are going our way, when things are hard to wire your kid in a way that when your kid is 18, he'll be able to say, oh, this thing didn't go the way I wanted. Oh, it's okay to be me. Or wow, I just got fired from my job, my girlfriend broke up with me, and I got a really, really tough email from a friend. Oh, okay, I can find my feet. I'm going to get through this. Wow, that is lasting self confidence. So I'm going to model what it might sound like to join your kid. And this is going to feel odd. So if it feels awkward in your body when you try this, just tell yourself, whenever I do something new, my body's creating a new circuit. And when my body creates a new circuit, it feels awkward because it's totally unfamiliar. So your child comes home from school and says, my friends are better readers than me. I can't even read and my friends can. Step one. I'm so glad you're telling me this. Step two, look at your child lovingly, supportively. Maybe put your hand on your child's back and maybe add something simple like, it's okay for that to be happening. It's okay that your friends are reading and you're not reading yet. Maybe add a story from your own childhood, something that feels negative but is actually just truthful. Oh, I remember when I was 6. I remember my friends learning to add up all these numbers and that was really hard for me. Oh, it can be so hard to be a six year old. What are you doing here? Your child is coming to you upset because these feelings feel overwhelming when you're willing to name the feeling and give permission for the feeling. Maybe even add on times you felt that feeling. Your child absorbs your acceptance. Your child feels like, I can still be a worthwhile person even if these things on the outside my reading ability, how fast I am as a runner, even if I'm not at the top of my game outside, I can still feel good inside. Kids get that feeling about themselves not by remembering what they're good at, but by having caregivers who are willing to name what's happening and still show up and not be scared by that feeling. There's a huge paradox here that we can help our kids gain the most long lasting confidence by being with them in their tough moments, not taking them out of those tough moments. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. First, when our kids are young, they're learning how to feel good about themselves. We want to teach our kids to first look in before they look out too. We don't have to entirely strike good job from our parenting vocabulary. It's just that it actually isn't the best way to help kids feel good about themselves. It actually shuts down a conversation rather than opening one up. So once in a while, replace good job with questions. My personal favorite question is how did you think to blank? I'll fill in the blanks with a couple examples. My child shows me a whole block creation. I might say, wow, how did you think to build something like that? Or my child brings me a picture with the sun and the sun is green. I might say, interesting, how did you think to make the sun green? 3. When our kids are feeling down about themselves, praising them actually gets in their way of developing self confidence rather than being a way to build self confidence. True self confidence means it's okay to be you across a wide range of experiences. So when your kids are feeling upset, tell them, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. It's okay to feel exactly the way you're feeling. I'm right here. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is wire our kids right from the start for long lasting, stable self confidence. If you're looking for practical, actionable strategies for how to raise a child who's comfortable with who they are, trusts themselves, and feels brave enough to take risks, check out my Rethinking Confidence workshop. You can find it and many others at learning.goodinside.com at goodinside.com you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider, my weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram Dr. Beckyudinside. Good inside is produced by Beth Rowe and Brad Gage and executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky please raise, rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.