Have a Little Self-Compassion

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good.

Inside.

Fierce and tender self compassion have to be balanced. If we're too accepting, without enough action, we're going to be complacent, we're going to be doormats, or we're going to be, you know, not make the changes that are needed. On the other hand, if we're all about change and striving to get it right and be perfect and do better without some acceptance of our, you know, the fact that we're flawed human beings, that's not healthy either.

Self compassion, it's something we all need. So who better than to help us show ourselves a little more self compassion than Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field for over 20 years. By the end of this episode, you'll understand a bit more about what self compassion really is and the surprising ways it can be practiced. Oh, and also you'll have a bit more self compassion after she walks us through an exercise. More in a bit. So how do you define self compassion so formally?

If you want to know Neff's three component model of self compassion.

I do, I do. I think everyone needs to know it.

Published 20 years ago. So the kindness is perhaps the most obvious part of self compassion, that you're kind and warm as opposed to harsh and cruel. But there's two other components that I think are necessary to make this a really stable mindset. The first is mindfulness. I actually learned about self compassion when I was learning mindfulness meditation. And there's a reason we need to be able to turn toward and acknowledge our uncomfortable feelings in order to give ourselves compassion. Otherwise, it'd be like if a friend called you up and said, I'm really upset. And you said, I'm just too busy, I can't talk to you. And we wouldn't do that to a friend. But yet we do that to ourselves often. So being willing to acknowledge that we're having a hard time and that we need some help, and then also, really importantly, a sense of connectedness to others. I call it a sense of common humanity. Because self pity, for instance, is not helpful. Self pity, poor me, woe is me. It's not helpful because it just kind of makes us feel more isolated. Compassion, by definition, is connected. If I pity you, I feel sorry for you. If I have compassion, I say, hey, I've been there. You know, this is part of being human. And it's really important with self compassion that we frame our imperfection in light of the shared human experience of imperfection. It's like when we struggle, we often kick ourselves when we're down by thinking there's something wrong with me or is only me or you know, everyone else is living a normal, perfect life and it's just me who's had this experience. And so once those three elements are there, mindfulness, common humanity and kindness, then we're in a very healthy, self compassionate state of mind.

Can you say a little bit more about that? The human experience that kind of. Because is there something about kind of acknowledging, is it about like the kind of global experience of struggle, of imperfection? Is that what helps us kind of be less critical?

Yeah, because often we're very self focused. I mean people, even though the word self is in self compassion, we're actually becoming less self focused because when we shame ourselves we say there's something wrong with us. This is just me. We don't feel connected to others. And believe it or not, that sense of disconnection from others is incredibly scary. There's a saying in evolutionary biology that a lone monkey is a dead monkey. We need to feel connected to others to feel safe. And so when we feel there's something wrong with us or that we're abnormal or it's only happening to us, it's very frightening. So the very fact of acknowledging the reality, this is the truth that everyone struggles, yes, some more than others, but that's what defines being a human. We struggle, we get it wrong, we make mistakes, it's normal. That's how we learn. When we remind ourselves of this reality, we feel much safer. And that in and of itself helps be less overwhelmed by our problems.

You know, one of the things I say a lot and it reminds me of, you know, what you're saying here, Kristin, is we can't change the hard, but we can change the alone, whether it's with ourself or our kids. And that seems to be kind of what you're saying too, in a different way.

It is hard and it will always be hard. Self compassion doesn't deny that. It actually embraces it. It says, I'm so sorry. It' Is there anything I can do to help? And you aren't alone. And this is, this is part of what it means to be human being. Just do your best day by day. Just like a friend would say to you, that type of supportive attitude or what hopefully a compassionate parent would say to their child. You know, in some ways it's, it's kind of like giving yourself the ultimate, compassionate, kind, caring parenting that maybe we didn't get from our own parents. But that we would ideally like to give to our own children. We have to give that to ourselves. If we give it to our kids and not ourselves, our kids are going to get the message. Oh, I see. No, being hard on yourself is really what we're supposed to be like. So we have to model it to our children and live it with ourselves.

You know, there's obviously a lot of parents listening right now. And one of the things I know parents have a really hard time being kind of self compassionate about is the moments after they scream, they get triggered, they yell at their kids.

Yeah, for sure, right.

That I'm a monster. If anyone saw me, they wouldn't even believe the type of parent I am. Nobody else treats their kids like this. I've messed up my kids forever. Can you walk us through that moment and some of your ideas, like how could someone apply them in very real time?

Yeah, well, so, I mean, I'm a parent, right. My son's autistic and so which actually adds another layer of challenge. And, you know, I'm honest, a couple times when he was continually tantruming, I would get really frustrated. Occasionally I yelled. I mean, I know that feeling of, oh, my goodness, I cannot believe that. And not that feeling of shame. You don't want anyone else to know what you've done. And so that's exactly when we need self compassion. By the way, there's difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is appropriate. Guilt is saying, I really wish I hadn't done that. It's not the behavior I choose to follow. I'm going to do everything I can to try not to let it happen again. But just because I made a mistake doesn't mean that I am fundamentally a bad person. We can separate our worth as people from our behavior. And so shame is about, I am bad. Guilt is about, I did something bad. And so we want to acknowledge when we've done something harmful that we don't want to repeat. But unfortunately, when we shame ourselves, we think somehow if we say, oh, I'm the worst parent ever, this is going to actually help us not do it again. It's the opposite. Because when we feel shame, we can't learn. Shame actually shuts down the learning receptors of the brain. When we just put our head in the sand or that hole and just want to crawl away and die. We aren't there for our children. We aren't there to learn, you know, what happened. So, for instance, so when this happened occasionally with Rowan, the first thing I would do is give myself compassion. I'd put my hands on my heart and I'd say this feels so horrible, but it happens. It happens to parents. I'm only human. We all have our limits. And where the trigger point of that is for everyone is we didn't choose to have those trigger points are often created by our own parents or our culture or stressors in our life. So we forgive ourselves. But it's interesting. Forgiveness is a two step process. You first have to hold the pain of what you've done and then you have to commit to not doing it again. And then you forgive yourself. It's not like forgiveness is, oh well, just whatever, you know, it happens and then you don't commit to not doing it again because that's not right either. You don't. We don't want to scream at our kids. So we acknowledge, okay, this hurts. I feel really badly. It is human. I'm not the only one. But I really want to try as much as I can to figure out what happens so I don't find myself in that situation again. Ideally you can give yourself compassion before you get to the point where you explode. And that's why self compassion is so crucial. So I learned to do that. You know, Roma started, started tantruming. Instead of what do I do? What I do, I just say, this is so hard for me. I'd really focus on myself, giving myself kindness, care and support. And then the more I could do that, the less likely I was to blow a fuse.

Yeah. And I want to, you know, I want to clarify that or kind of double click on it, what you just said, I find that too. I feel like people say, oh, self compassion after I yelled at my kid or did this awful thing. I don't want to let myself off the hook. And I say, well, well, if you want to let yourself off the hook, you should blame and shame yourself because that, like you said, that makes you frozen.

It does.

So if you want to leave yourself on the hook for change, self compassion leaves you on the hook. It's allowing for reflection and change. It's the opposite of what we.

Because you need to be able to hold the pain of it, which takes a lot of bravery and takes a lot of courage. You need to be able to really open to the pain, including the pain you've caused your child. And then from that space of open heartedness, you can really commit to doing whatever you can to try not to do it in the future. You know, there's a lot of research that shows self compassion allows people to be more committed to Repairing mistakes and not doing it in the future. We so avoid shame that we'd much rather blame other people. Oh, it's my partner's fault or it's my kids fault. Because we can't handle the pain of the shame. This is what allows us to open to it and commit to trying to do something different.

Yes. So in your book, you open with a story about taking your son to the zoo.

Yes.

And I'd love you to share that story as kind of the expert in self compassion.

Right.

And how it relates to something you called fierce self compassion.

Yeah. So I'm sure people could relate to this. So I took my son to. It was the zoo, I think we were in England at the time. And there was a bird show, one of those big tents, and they had falcons and birds of prey and owls and all those cool things. And we arrived a little late. And Rome was. He was young at the time. He was maybe five or six. So we arrived late. And you know, I'll admit it, he was being a little. He was just. He was causing a little bit of a ruckus. You know, he was talking, look at that mom and that bird. He was not. He wasn't sitting in the seat. He was standing on the seat. And there was a woman in front of us with two perfectly behaved little girls on each side of her who kept turning around and saying, shh. You know, And I could understand it, you know, he was being a little. And I tried to help him calm down, but it was a bird show, for goodness sake. She kept on shushing him. And at one point, at least from my perception, she gave him the evil eye. She, like, looked at him like, really mean. And if anyone does anything at all threatening to my son, I turn into mama Bear. Right. I was so angry. And, you know, Rowan's like, why did that woman look at me that way? And he said, mommy, who's that? And I said, that's A. And I used a word that started with B, and it wasn't bare. And I don't try to model that in front of my son. But that's what I. So I just called her the B word. That's A. You know, you can fill in the blanks. And then the bird show ended and she turned around to me and she was livid. How dare you call me the B word? Especially in front of my children. And I'm like, how dare you give my son the evil eye. It started escalating, you know, with our three kids around us. We started going at it but luckily. So I did kind of lose it. But luckily I was able to reign myself in through my mindfulness and self compassion practice because I caught myself and I like, wow, I'm really angry and this isn't a good situation and maybe I need to de escalate a little bit so as, oh, that's right. And also, I also said, I am so angry right now as a kind of a mindfulness thing. And she's like, yes. So it's obvious to her. But this is the difference. When you're lost in difficult emotion like anger, you have no perspective with mindfulness and compassion. You're aware you're having this emotion and you're also, you want to help yourself. That's the warmth and the kindness. That's what allowed me to say, okay, maybe not such a good idea. Let's get out of here as fast as we can. But here's the thing. Women, especially not biological sex people raised as women are told that we shouldn't get angry, especially in front of our kids. But that, that mama bear energy is precious. So first of all, we know it's precious for our children. We would take a bullet for our kids, right? So that fierce protective energy, so what it does is it arouses energy in you. It focuses you on the problem. It allows you to be brave. It suppresses the fear response. It's very, very useful. The thing is, we need it not only for our children, but also for ourselves. So if someone's crossing our boundaries or treating us unfairly, or if we're just like, giving and giving and giving and not meeting our own needs, or also if we're doing something that's not healthy, or someone's doing something to us that's not healthy, or we're in a situation that's not healthy, we need that fierce energy to say, this is not working, you know? No, we need to do something different. And so even anger, right? Anger, when used in the service of alleviating suffering, is a type of compassion. It's only when it causes harm, when it gets personal, when you use the B word. Okay, that wasn't compassionate. But saying, hey, don't treat my child that way, that is compassionate. So there's a difference. Are you causing harm? Are you making it personal? Are you dehumanizing someone? Or are you just putting your stake in the ground and saying, that's not okay. I'm going to protect what I care about, my son myself.

I imagine people are listening. They're like, ooh, I thought we were talking about Self compassion. We're talking about anger. Those feelings feel like very different ends of the spectrum. Dr. Neff, can you, can you help explain? Because actually, this is what your latest book really brings together for so many women. So can you anger, self compassion, gender, just break it down for us?

So, okay, so in the book I talk about, there's really two faces of self compassion, the tender and the fierce. And most people, when they hear the word self compassion, think of the tender side, which is crucial to self compassion. Math's all about acceptance. We accept ourselves flaws and all. We accept our emotions, the fact that it's really hard in the moment. And when we do that, this is the healing energy of self compassion. It's like when our child is crying and we hold our child tenderly in our arms and we say, I love you, you're okay. Just I'm here for you. That helps the child calm down. Same thing with ourselves. It helps ourselves calm down. But again, we can use the parenting analogy. If Your child's like 12 years old and not potty trained or doing something that's really harmful, like not going to school, it's not compassionate just to let your child be that way. Part of compassion, part of helping is taking action. So that's through protection, providing for our children's needs, our own needs, and also motivating change. And so fierce and tender self compassion has to be balanced. If we're too accepting, without enough action, we're going to be complacent, we're going to be doormats, or we're going to be, you know, not make the changes that are needed. On the other hand, if we're all about change and striving to get it right and be perfect and do better, without some acceptance of our, you know, the fact that we're flawed human beings, that's not healthy either.

Can I ask you something? I think about the phrase a lot for ourselves or for our kids. Okay, this is really hard and I can do hard things or this is a really tough stage and I'm gonna figure it out. Is that a little bit of balancing, those two types that you're referring to? Kind of like one foot in, like validating and one foot in kind of looking forward and my competence and action.

Yes. So the acceptance is, this is hard or maybe I made a mistake. That's the tenderness toward the emotions in ourselves that we'll figure this out or maybe do the best we can. You know, we may not be able to figure it out, but I'm going to take action again. You need to accept pain, but you also. It's not compassionate not to do anything about it. When they look at a brain feeling compassion, the motor cortex gets activated. It's the desire to do something to help. That feeling of wanting to do something to help, that's part of self compassion as well. What can we do to help the situation? Wow. So it's both. We accept ourselves and we do what we can to change the situation so it's not so harmful.

And then that fierce side, Right. Cause I think of anger, I talk about anger a lot in our membership. I think anger is one of the most precious, most useful information filled emotions we have.

Absolutely. It's amazing how it does suppress the fear response, gives us physical energy. It actually activates our energetic system. And so we absolutely need anger. We need to let go of this idea that anger is always bad. Now it can be harmful. Absolutely. We don't want to harm people with our anger, we don't want to dehumanize people. But anger aimed at situations or behaviors, anger at social injustice or oppression, we need the anger to do something about it. And so getting back to gender role socialization, it's like yin and yang. We need both. We need them to be imbalanced, to be healthy. But gender role socialization has gendered these things and it harms everyone. So. And by the way, I'm not talking about whether you're cisgendered or non binary or whatever, just how were you raised? People raised as boys are told they can be fierce, they can get angry, they can take action, but they better not be too tender. They're called names. Boys are, it's really harmful to boys that they aren't allowed to feel their tender emotions. They're called, you know, names or maybe bullied. And that leads to a lack of emotional intelligence. It also means they don't have access to this incredibly powerful healing resource of compassion for themselves. And it often generalizes to others as well because they're raised that they shouldn't that way. So for instance, boys tend to be less compassionate to others than girls are because they're told, you know, that's, that's a girl thing. It's not horrible. It's a girl thing. It's ridiculous. And that harms men, boys and men. And then people raised as girls, they're told they shouldn't be too fierce. People don't like fierce woman. They want a woman to be compliant and giving and to say yes and not rock the boat and just to go along and smile, be happy you know, and when you start drawing boundaries or you start speaking up, there are consequences. I would love to be able to say they aren't. It's just all in our mind. It's not all in our mind. People don't like it. That's why we need the bravery of saying, you know, you may like me a little less if I say no, but I like myself. My self worth isn't dependent on you liking me. And so this fierce energy is what we need also as women to try to say this patriarchy is not okay. You know, it's not okay that I do all the childcare and I work the full time job, et cetera, et cetera. You know, we need to make a change and that is essential to self compassion. Drawing boundaries, standing up for ourselves. It's core to self compassion. If we, if we just give and don't give to ourselves, we're just doormats, you know, and we have been taken advantage of historically for centuries. I'm sorry, but from my perspective, I'm not playing that game anymore.

Well, you're in the right place because you know, people in the good inside membership, what they say, they're like, you come for the parenting scripts and strategies and you stay for the revolution because really you're like, this is actually a platform where women are and, and, and men and you know, but really there's a lot of moms inside who are saying, wait, there's finally a way where I can have equal respect for my kid and myself. What I want matters too. My boundaries matter. I need to be my kid's sturdy leader, not martyr. Nobody benefits from a martyr as a parent. Nobody.

And what are you modeling for your kids if you just give? If you give and you give and you give and you don't give to yourself, you're modeling especially for our daughters, but you're modeling that that's the right way to be. So maybe you don't yell at your kid, but you drop a glass and you say, oh, I'm such an idiot, hoping that maybe someone's gonna say, no, it's okay, you know, if we don't do it for ourselves, our kids get the message that that's a good way to be in the world. We want our kids to be able to draw boundaries to meet their own needs. And so again, the research shows it's not like we put our own needs first first, but we don't put them last. We say, your needs count and my needs count. How can we come to a compromise solution? That means everyone's needs, because everyone is equally important. We aren't raised to think that. We think that a good mother is someone who sacrifices everything. That's actually not a good mother. That's a doormat. I'm sorry, but it's true. We were raised that way so that we do all the cooking and the cleaning and, you know, we're compliant. But then we're modeling that for our kids. So if we want to change, if we want equality and equal respect and the lack of oppression to be the values our children have, we have to model them in our relationship to our children.

I love this. And I know that our listeners, Kristin, are nodding along as they're driving their car or as they're, you know, folding their laundry or as they're, you know, taking a walk, thinking, oh, my goodness, yes. These messages were passed down to me. This way of parenting was modeled for me. It's kind of built in to the system that we're trying to operate in. And it's amazing. I really mean, it is amazing to see a generation of parents saying, like, it stops with me. It's gonna, you know, I can't make maybe a complete 180. We don't have to, but I'm gonna make a shift, and that's gonna be meaningful for the next generation and for myself. So can we walk through these ideas in an example? Because everything we're talking about here, self compassion that, kindness that, removing the aloneness, the idea that self compassion also enables our action and our change. I love this. And tying it together with anger. I know so many parents in this calm until I explode pattern. And whether it's a partner coming home late that they explode, or it's that time you're filled up with distress, you have not given anything to yourself, and your kid says something like chicken again, and it's like, oh, my goodness. It was like, you know, a dagger to your heart. So I'm thinking about a parent listening to this, saying, yes to all of this. I've just yelled at my kid. Maybe reflecting back on my week, I see, oh, my goodness. Maybe I was kind of acting as a martyr. I didn't really do any of the things I wanted to my, you know, for myself. How can we use some of these ideas? Can you lead us, whether it's an exercise or a strategy to kind of put all the things you say about self compassion and anger, you know, into action?

Yeah. So an example like that, you know, the good thing about it is when something like that happens is. And I do this with my son all the time is it's a real opportunity to model self compassion and to model how to deal with making a mistake. So which includes apologizing, you know, instead. But when you apologize instead of shaming yourself, remember aiming at the behavior, not the person. So you know, I'm really sorry I did that. It's not what I wanted to do. I was stressed, but I, you know, I hurt, I hurt you. I may have scared you. I really apologize for that. But you know, this is what happens sometimes to human beings when they get stressed. And next time you can even model it. Next time I will try to deal with the stress as best I can before I get to the point of exploding. But it may happen again. So just know that, you know, I'm here for you. I apologize, but I am human and you know, just really modeling that. Can we accept our humanity at the same time? We don't want to just accept the humanity without also committing to the change. You know, I will really try in the future to do whatever I can to not get to that point. And then you'll fail again, but at least you get, just get back on that horse again and keep trying.

And what types of things? Because I love the part of the book where you talk about meeting our own needs. That's critical. That's also within the self compassion model. That's not selfish. That's not a thing.

People think that you only have five units of compassion. So if you give three to yourself, you only have two left over for your kids. It doesn't work that way. Right. The more compassion you give inside, more resources you give yourself, the more you have available to give others. I mean, if you think about it, it's kind of obvious and yet we don't, we don't think that way.

Could you say that again like in a kind of like slower. Just. I. It's so obvious after you said it, but also I needed, I need you to say it again.

Right, yeah. So it's not a limited sum. So energy in terms of actual time, Time is limited. But the resource of kindness, of care, of love is actually the more kindness, care, warmth, support we give ourselves, the more kindness, warmth, care, support we have available to give to others. And time, time is limited. But if you totally give all your time to others and give no time for yourself, you're going to be so burnt out that you will not be able to give to others anymore. I mean, that's just. Your cup will run dry. One of the biggest things we find in the research Is self compassion reduces burnout. Because you say, you know, I would love to help you, I would love to take you to that soccer match or whatever, but, you know, actually I really need. There's something that's important to me. We're going to have to figure something else out. It doesn't mean that I'm not a, I'm a bad mom because I can't drive you to the soccer match. You know, it means that this is important. My knees are important too. Not more than, but also important. And so we're going to have to figure out another way. And you know, so what if the other soccer moms think I'm selfish?

I bet the other soccer moms are really jealous. You know, they're like, oh, I don't really want to be here either. I really need to go do something for myself.

You know, one thing that's really important for women is this is why. So I talk a lot about the difference between self compassion and self esteem. Self esteem is a judgment that we are good people. It's often very contingent on what other people think of us. And a lot of our parenting is like, I want to look like a good parent to others so that people like me and approve of me. And that's how I get my self worth. Actually get my self worth worth by being this really great mom. And so this is pretty, this is a pretty radical shift. You talk about political. What you're saying is my self worth does not come from being a good mom. My self worth does not come from people thinking I'm good or liking me. My self worth is intrinsic because I am a human being. Everyone's self worth is intrinsic. And so therefore your sense of worth is unconditional. And then you can start making decisions that are authentic. And of course, remember, as a parent, you love your kid. It's totally authentic. You know, my child's autistic. I did, you know, I, I basically had to focus more on his needs than mine. Of course I did, because he was autistic. And especially when he was young, it was totally authentic for me. So it's not like you'll stop caring about your child, but the choices you make will be authentic. It'll be like, okay, well, here's my need, here's my child's need. What feels right and best to do in the moment, considering the fact that I also need to take care of myself, otherwise I'll burn out. As opposed to, no, I just have to do it because otherwise people get mad at me and think I'M a bad person. And here's the thing. When you sacrifice authentically, it's not draining. When you sacrifice inauthentically, it's very draining. You resent it, you get frustrated, and then it actually. Then it actually becomes a problem.

Well, now I feel like we're talking about a desire. When you sacrifice authentically, you're saying, I want to do this. It comes from a want. I want to do this for you.

It comes from a place of love.

Yes.

And even though, yes, it may be tiring and all that, the love itself is energizing.

And you know, Kristin, you know, there's so many ideas you have and I have that really are overlapping. And you talk about the difference between your behavior.

Great minds think alike. Exactly. Right.

And identity. Right. And I think that's the whole idea of good inside is not about controlling being good. It's that goodness is inherent. So if I know that, that actually gives me a lot more leeway. Right. So I know. You know, I love this phrase. I feel like it brings this idea to life. Like, I'm a good parent who. Or for me, it would say, I'm a good mom who is missing my son's soccer practice so I can take a walk because I know that's really important to me. Right. Yeah. Starting the sentence affirming your internal worth separate from any one decision gives you a lot more leeway rather than, well, good moms go to soccer practice. So either I need to go to soccer practice and resent my child, or I need to be, you know, horribly guilty that I didn't go. Neither of those are good choices. And we don't have to be locked.

Into either of those. Right. And so the second, you know, I'm a good mom if I go to soccer practice is called contingent self esteem. You're basing your worth on contingencies. Whether or not I go to soccer practice or whether or not my child gets into this best college or whatever it is. Self compassion is unconditional. But remember, this is why we need to remember the fierce and the tender. We are unconditionally worthy. But that doesn't mean that we can just do behaviors that aren't harm, you know? Yeah. Sometimes you need to take your kid to soccer practice because you care about them. You want them to, you know, be happy and fulfilled. But the reasons you're doing, the behaviors come from a place of love, not from a place of wanting other people to approve of you.

Yep.

And they're much more sustainable when that's the motivation and Drive.

Yes.

And more effective.

So there's so many more things I want to ask you, but maybe I'll kind of end on this. You have so many kind of concrete exercises and activities in your book. And just for everyone listening here, is there one you could highlight that everyone could kind of walk away with something they could do today?

Yes. How about if I lead a little self compassion break? It's one of the. It's very easy, you know, it only takes a few minutes. But basically what you're doing is you're. You're calling in the three components of self, compassion, mindful, mindfulness. You're turning toward the pain. You remember that you aren't alone. Common humanity, and then some kindness. And you'll see it actually changes the way we're relating to a difficulty. Great. Okay, so I'm going to close my eyes. You don't have to, Becky, but I'm going to because it helps me get into my body. So maybe all your listeners, if you're able to, if you're driving, please don't do this. But if you're able to, you can close your eyes and just, just think of something in your life that's troubling you. Maybe you're feeling badly about. Yeah. Parenting mistake you made, or maybe there's some stressor in your life or some challenge. You know, don't think of something overwhelmingly difficult. You won't be able to learn the practice, but something that's, you know, that's kind of painful. And so we're going to relate to this difficulty with compassion. So first with mindfulness. Right. So just acknowledging, validating. This is hard to feel. Right. If you made a mistake or you have this challenge. This is really hard right now. So just give yourself a moment to turn toward and open to the pain. This, this hurts. This is difficult. And then remember the humanity of this. Right. There's nothing wrong with you for making a mistake or for having this challenge or feeling this way. This is part of being human. You are not alone. It's not just you.

Right.

This is how we learn, this is how we grow. This is part of the human experience. But still, because it hurts. We want to be kind to ourselves, warm toward ourselves. And so I'd invite you to use any language of, again, kindness, support, warmth that you might naturally use, the friends you cared about. Something like, you know, you're doing the best you can or just take it day by day or, you know, I'm sorry you're struggling. Is there anything I can do to help? I care about you. I'm here for you. So any words of kindness and support toward the fact that this is your struggle in the moment and that's it. Right then you can open your eyes. That took maybe three minutes, but you could do it in 30 seconds. It's like baking a loaf of Self compassion bread. One part mindfulness, one part common humanity, one part kindness. And when all three work together, it really allows you to relate to the difficulty. It's still there. It's not like poof goes away, but it gives you the strength and resilience to work with it without being so overwhelmed.

This is amazing. Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast. You could also write me@podcastoodinside.com Parenting is the whole hardest and most important job in the world and parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jessie Baker and Eric Newsome at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhee, Julia Natt and Kristin Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.