How Can I Get My Kid to Stop Doing an Annoying Behavior?

You're listening to good inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good inside. Today's episode is all about spitting, but actually it's all applicable to any undesirable annoying behavior from your child. So everything I talk about here will also apply to your child's school screaming or to your child using potty language at the dinner table. What's key with these behaviors is to look inside ourselves at our reactions to them. Often they trigger us. Often we have a hard time staying grounded and making decisions that feel good for us in these moments. These things really get under our skin and then our reactions tend to perpetuate or even increase this behavior in our child. Today we're going to be talking about changing that cycle, about learning strategies to intervene in these moments that actually reverse the cycle that make these annoying behaviors less compelling to your child. Our first caller is Barbara with a question about her four year old son.

Hi Dr. Becky. My name is Barb. I'm from Denver, Colorado. I have a six year old daughter and a almost four year old son. And first off, I just want to thank you for everything you do. You have helped me as a mom and helped me as a person more than I can ever tell you. Here is my situation. Hopefully you can help. My almost 4 year old son has started spitting lately. Spitting on our floor, spitting on his sister, spitting on us, spitting on the couch, spitting everywhere. This is so gross. And we've told him so many times not to do it. We've gotten curious around why he's doing it. I wondered at first maybe he's not getting enough attention, but I've ruled that out because even on the days where he's clearly getting attention, he just spits. I feel like other little boys do this too. This isn't new. I think he really just likes doing it. It's so gross, but it's a problem. It's disgusting, right? And it's not good for our house and not something I want him to do. So how do we get him to stop when it's just fun for him? Any thoughts you have on behavior that kids do for no other reason than because it's just fun. Thanks again for all you do. Bye.

Hi Barb, thank you so much for calling in with this actually really common struggle. You are not alone. And you're right to see that spitting is both disgusting to watch someone else do in your home and is kind of fun for kids. And you're knowing that you're seeing this, seeing there's something about it that's just fun, I actually think is key for us thinking through it together. What about spitting is fun for a child? To me, the most fun thing about spitting for a child is a child watching his parents get very upset. Now this doesn't make your child cold hearted. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with him. In fact, watching a parent get very upset and trying to stop you from doing something you are currently doing is actually something that makes a child feel very independent. Right. Because none of us ever know who we are as much as when we're doing something that we know someone else doesn't approve of. It makes us feel like, wow, I really am my own person. And our kids are trying to figure out essentially their separate identity. Now this idea is going to be key in helping us kind of get your child out of spitting as a way of forming his separate identity. Because we want your child to figure out who he is, we just don't want him to do that through the act of spitting. We have have to take away the part of this action that's about this dynamic between the two of you. And the quickest way we can do that is actually turning the trying to shut down the behavior into you joining the behavior. I know that sounds odd. So I'll walk through exactly what this would look like and why. Yes, I am recommending you join your son in spitting as the best way to reduce the spitting. Here's why. When you say to your son something like this, hey, you know what I'm feeling this morning? I'm feeling like I have just all this energy in my mouth and I wanna spit, spit, spit, spit, spit. I feel like you feel like that too. Let's go to the spitting room together. Now your son is going to look at you and think, what is my mom talking about? Right. Play it cool and go with it when he looks confused. Yeah. You know, this bathroom I've just decided is the spitting. I don't know if you know this about Me, but sometimes I go in there and just spit, spit, spit. Just get it all out. I'm thinking we can do it together and bring your son in there and then start spitting into the toilet. Oh, I have so much more. I have so much more. Don't you have any spit in you? I feel like you spit in you too. Why don't we do it together? Spit, spit, spit. And now, instead of this activity being a source of tension between the two of you, this is actually a moment of connection and silliness. Now, what's going to happen over time to the spitting is it becomes less enticing, and your son will figure out which we want him to figure out, other ways to define his individuality. So now we're back in the bathroom. You're spitting, he's spitting. And then I'd say something like this. Oh, I think I have my spits all out for right now. Oh, that felt good. Oh, so glad we started the day together that way. All right, tell me, what do you want for breakfast? And walk out. Maybe also say, ah. Keep spitting as long as you need to. You know your body best. When you come to the kitchen, I'll have your cereal ready for you. Again, you are totally playing it cool and removing the aspect that is fun because it's rebellious now. I'm a pragmatist. So later in the day, your son will probably still spit. Now you have a model for how to cope with it. I'd say, oh, you still have some of that spit left in your mouth. Cool. Let's go to the spitting room and bring him there. Maybe you say on the way, you know what? I have some, too. So glad we can do this together. Spit, spit, spit. Now, in addition, I would encourage you at other moments to look for ways where you can really highlight his individuality. So let's say you're going to lunch, or you have lunch in your house, and you say, what do you want for lunch? And you're having a sandwich, and he says, I want some yogurt. And you might say, wow, you really know who you are. You see, I'm having a sandwich and you want yogurt. Wow, you're your own person. And in this way, again, you're sending these very powerful and somewhat subliminal messages about the spitting to your son, essentially saying to him in this very casual way, I'm so glad you're your own person. And look at all the opportunities you have outside of spitting to form your separate identity. Barb, one more thought. I wanted to highlight this overall technique or strategy of joining my child in their annoying behavior instead of trying to shut down my child's annoying behavior is applicable beyond spitting. This is great for potty language to have the bathroom be a room that you also go say, pee, pee, poop, pee, pee, poo, pee, poop, out of my system. Or you have a screaming morning where you say, I have the screams in me. Let's go outside and scream all the way to the neighbor now, all the way to the highway. Oh, I think those screams are out of me for now. Great. I'm ready to go back inside and have some coffee. When our child is doing something and it seems to us that our child's only doing it to annoy us, it's a good sign sign that our child's looking to form that separate identity again, which we want. But we don't want our child to be locked into only doing that in this annoying behavior. Let's hear from our next caller, Rachel.

Hey there, Dr. Becky and team. My name is Rachel and I live in Charlottesville, Virginia. My husband and I have three kids. Five year old will be six in July, a four year old today and a two year old. I wanted to call in because right.

Now my two oldest, my almost six.

And four year old, when they get angry or upset, they are spitting on us. Thank goodness they're not doing it in public unless I mean we're outdoors. But also it's mostly done in our home. They have done it to one other person, our sitter who is in our home.

You know, I thought a lot of.

People use the Dr. Becky the situation and really try to figure out the.

Why and talk through it with them.

All the things and nothing seems to be working.

So I would love to hear your.

Thoughts on an unsafe behavior while validating.

Feelings and giving them a way to express their anger.

We feel like we've tried all of.

That, but they are continuing to engage in this unsafe behavior.

And so now I know behavior modification isn't the goal, but in this case it is for safety purposes because spitting is extremely degrading and dangerous. All right, thanks.

Hi, Rachel. How frustrating. I can imagine being in that situation with my own kids and when they're upset, having spit come at me. And it would be so hard to stay grounded and be the type of parent I wanted to be in that moment. So I feel that I have a couple ideas. I want to start with something to do in the moment and then I want to talk about a couple of things to do outside of the moment. I think we all need skills and strategies to get through these challenging moments when they come. And then remember it's usually the stuff we do outside the moment that actually builds skills to reduce the frequency of those moments going forward. So first, what do we do when it happens? This is a great time for an I won't let you Spitting is a boundary violation. Spitting at your parents, spitting at another child is taking a part of your body and putting it on someone else's body without their permission. That's not something we allow. So I would use this language, I won't let you spit on me. Then I would think about redirecting the urge. Spitting inherently isn't awful. Spitting on someone, again is not something I would allow. But if my child is angry and wants to spit into a bathtub or into a sink, by all means get some of your feelings expressed that way. So I might say exactly that. I won't let you spit on me. When you're angry, you can spit into the sink, you can spit into the bath, you can spit into the shower, or you can show me you're angry in another way. I might even walk my child to the bathroom while I'm saying that, showing them that they can discharge that urge in a way that's not on me now. What about outside the moment? Two different strategies come to mind once things are calm or even in a day where the spitting hasn't happened yet. First, I would share a story of when you were young and when you had trouble regulating your own frustration or anger, and maybe even a time when you spit or had the urge to do the same thing. Why would I do this? To really help our kids build skills, we have to help them feel less alone in what they're struggling with when we join them, when we essentially say something like, yeah, I used to have a hard time with this too. Our child will then allow us to influence them because they feel like we're looking at them like a good kid. And we're doing that because clearly we had struggled with something similar early on. Telling a kid a story of your similar struggle is one of the most powerful things I ever do with my own kids because it sets the stage to be able to learn together. So it might sound like this. I don't know if I ever told you this, but do you know that when I was five, oh, when I got mad about something, it was so hard. It kind of was a feeling that started almost in my stomach and it went up, up, up, up, up. And the feeling just got in my mouth and it almost felt like it was in my saliva. And do you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to just get it out. And it felt like a way to get it out was to spit. Yeah, I know that's something you sometimes have a hard time with. I did, too. We're just setting the stage for connection so that we can help our kids feel safe enough to grow and learn. After that, I might say something to my child that I believe reflects the deeper meaning or even function of the spitting. To me, one of the reasons kids spit when they're angry is it's a way of kind of saying to someone, do you see how upset I am? Or if you spit on someone, it's saying, do you feel how upset I feel? It's very concrete. It takes a feeling which is kind of confusing and nebulous and non observable, and it makes it really concrete. It's almost like there. There's that horrible feeling. Now it's on you. And I would speak to this. I would say to my child, here's something we really believe in this family. In this family, we trust that people's feelings are real, even if we don't see them with our eyes. And then I'd link that back to the story of your own child and maybe saying, and then when I was five, one of the things my mom helped me with or my teacher helped me with is other ways to show people how real my feeling was. That didn't kind of make things go to an even worse place. Because when I spit on someone, actually when I was five, that person couldn't usually see how upset I was. And when I learned to do other things, I actually got more help. This leads really nicely into a joint brainstorming session. Too often, we don't involve our kids in solving problems. Instead, we just tell them something they could do. So instead of saying to your child, so, look, instead of spitting, why don't you draw an angry picture or stomp on the floor, say something like this. I wonder how we can let people know how angry we are without out spitting, huh? Spitting is one way I show you. Hmm. But it's not a way I'm gonna let you do. I wonder if there are ways that I would let you do, but that also really show people how upset you are. Hmm. Now, if you hear this, Rachel, I'm really modeling a curiosity, a wondering, a not knowing in the tone of my voice. That's really cool. Critical. So often with our kids, we come at their problems from a place of knowing. And being an expert problem solver. But the truth is, when we come at them from a place of curiosity, our kid can own the problem solving. And we want them, after all, to be the ones who solve problems, not us. So, pause. My guess is your child might have an idea. If not, you can lightly scaffold the process. Hmm. I'm wondering if there's something else you can do with your body, right? And then maybe that prompt would lead to stomping. Or you could share that idea. Or I sometimes say to my kids, I wonder if you could say, I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm really, really, really, really mad. And really emphasize that with my tone. Now, you've created this arc where you've de shamed the situation by sharing something in your own childhood. You've spoken to the underlying struggle, which is letting everyone know that my feelings are real. And you've activated your child's problem solving so your kids can be the one who can think through some solutions. Our final caller is Jessica with a question about her two and a half year old.

Hi, Dr. Becky.

My name is Jessica. I live in Los Angeles. My child is two and a half, almost actually two years and eight months old. I'm having a difficult time having him control his outbursts of his reactions to things he doesn't like. I've gotten a grip on the tantrum thanks to your advice, but he does spit at people if they come near him. If he's watching an iPad and he thinks they're going to take it away, if he is being told to do something he doesn't want to do, or if it's a difficult time transitioning, he will spit. And it's obviously insulting. But I haven't been able to get him to stop. I've told him, you know, spitting is only for when you brush your teeth or spitting. You know, try to find a different way to express yourself. You can use your words and tell me you don't want to do this and it's okay if you don't like it or if you're upset, but the spitting is not okay. And I haven't been able to make any progress with it. In addition to sometimes physical, like hitting or throwing things, I got a grip on that a little bit better than the spinning. So I need some tips on that. Thank you so much.

Hi, Jessica. Thanks so much for calling and raising something. I hear all the time, so many of us as parents, we think, but I tell my kid, I tell my kid, you can't do this thing. You have to do something else instead. We talk about the situation and nothing changes. Right now, I want everyone to think about a situation. Maybe it is spitting in your kid, or maybe it's something else. We're thinking, this behavior just isn't changing. It keeps happening over and over, and everyone's getting more frustrated. I want you to think about talking about the problem, and then I want you to think about creating situations where. Where it's almost as if you're practicing being in the situation and generating a different way of responding. In other words, am I talking or am I actually providing experience to my kids? We can't build regulation only through logic and language. We have to build regulation skills by creating situations that are a preview to the feelings that might come up that mimic a similar situation. Getting into that part of the circuit before our kid does some undesirable behavior and then changing the direction. That's actually how we create a different pathway. So I have two different ways that come to mind where we can do that. Number one is actual practice with your child. So if your child might spit when you come to take his iPad away, I would suggest getting a piece of, let's say, blue construction paper. If your child has a blue iPad cover and saying something like this. We're gonna practice something. You know how it's really hard whenever I tell you screen time is over, and I come and I have to get the iPad, and that feels so bad to you. And all those feelings come out of your mouth, and I say not to smile. Spit. And then, ugh, it's so hard. We need to practice that situation more because it's similar to what I do when something's hard in my adult life. I practice doing something different. So I'm gonna give you the iPad and kind of do a funny voice as you give your child the blue construction paper. And then maybe whisper, I know it's not the iPad, but this is what we do in practice, right? It could fit, feel hopefully kind of silly. And then say, I'm going to come over to the couch, and I want you to actually pretend you're feeling really, really mad. And I want you to say to me, I wish I didn't have to finish. Because sometimes when we tell someone what we wish, our feelings just feel a little better. That's just one strategy. But then I would actually do that. I'd go over, and if you're thinking, okay, he's not gonna say that, model it all for him. I might say, oh, Mom, I'm really mad. Oh, that Anger is all in my mouth. I wish I didn't have to end. And then I'd have the construction paper in my hand, or I take it and I'd give my child a high five, even if I was the person who modeled it all the first time. And then I'd practice again and again, and hopefully there's laughs. Hopefully your son finds this kind of silly that this is happening. And now we're actually infusing playfulness into that moment of the circuit that probably doesn't feel playful at all. So we're also changing it that way. And you're actually building a skill, because we're not just talking about it, we're actually experiencing it. Here's a second way we can do something similar. Put the theme of what's hard for your child into pretend play. So if your son likes playing with dinosaurs, let's say I would again cut out a little blue piece of paper that represents the iPad. And maybe when you have these dinosaurs, you say, ooh, it's time for stegosaurus to end. IPad time. Ooh, stegosaurus looks mad, mad, mad. And you can model this all yourself just while your son is watching. You could do the whole routine yourself. Stegosaurus, take a deep breath. You'll have iPad time again tomorrow. Or you could say, stegosaurus, we're gonna go to the pond and bring maybe stegosaurus to the shower, and we're gonna spit in there again. Because it's not the spitting that's such a problem, it's the spitting on someone that's such a problem. Or maybe the next time you do this in play, you say, ooh, Stegosaurus, iPad time is over. And you step out of the role play and whisper to your son, what could stegosaurus do to tell mommy dinosaur that he is upset that screen time is over? And my guess is, after a certain number of those practicing moments in play, your son might actually name something that you had modeled. Now, we can integrate this on all and let's say it's iPad time for your son. You might say to him, in five minutes, I'm going to come grab the iPad. Hmm. Which of those things do you want to do? Because you're probably going to feel mad. Do you want to walk to the bathroom and spit into the shower? Do you want to take a deep breath? Or do you want to try that wishing thing that I wish I could watch another show? Now, is this a guarantee your child won't spit? No, but we are actually getting into that moment in the circuit between feeling and action or between urge and action. We're pausing it and we're allowing your child to now access some of the skills you had been building in play. Thank you Barb, Rachel and Jessica for calling in and sharing your stories with us. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. 1. Annoying Behaviors in our kids, the ones that they know get under our skin, are often ways for kids to assert their individuality to show us that they're their own person. We want our kids to have a sense of who they are as separate from us. And yet we also want our kids to find ways of doing this that aren't just in the form of spitting or other rebellious behaviors. Every time we try to shut down something like spitting, we make its identity function even more powerful. And we don't want to do this. So instead, join the annoying behavior and put a boundary around it and encourage your child to explore his separateness in other ways. 2. Brainstorm with your child instead of for your child. We want to involve our kids in the problem solving process, being partners in thought. After all, we want our kids to think of themselves as problem solvers, not of their parents as the only problem solvers. So when it comes to spitting, find a calm moment to connect to your child and encourage them to share other things they know they could do when they're angry. 3. Talking alone doesn't build regulation role play practice introducing themes into pretend play. These are ways that we actually create new experiences in which a child can then practice new skills. This is how our emotion regulation circuitry changes. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected@goodinside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider, my weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram doctorbeckyoodinside. Goodinside is produced by Beth Rowe and Brad Gage and executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.