It’s Okay If You Don’t Like to Play

You're listening to good inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good inside. Today's episode is all about play, but it's a really important episode about a certain aspect of play. It's about what to do if you you don't really like playing with your kids or if you don't like playing at all. A couple things right off the bat. Number one, it's okay to not like playing. And when we talk today together about various strategies around how to tolerate play or how to kind of understand this in yourself, let me also say right from the bat, you also are allowed to not play with your kid. You can say, I'm not available. You can say, huh, I some more time. You can say, I know you can think about something on your own. There are so many ways to approach play, both in terms of not engaging in it and in terms of understanding what comes up for us which might actually change the way we think about play and might end up changing the way we can actually enjoy it. So with all that in mind, let's jump in. Let's hear from our first caller, Maddie.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Maddie. I live outside of New York City. I have a nine year old son and a seven year old daughter. And I'm calling because I'm having a struggling with play with my children. I find that I'm really good when it comes to playing a board game or playing cards or Lego. My nine year old really loves to make up games and wants me to play with him and this is something that I just dread. I never had play with my parents when I was growing up. They sat me in front of the TV and I still want my children to engage and play but I just don't know, I don't know how to do it and I am struggling and it makes me sad that I am not excited to play with my children. Thank you so much. Have a great day.

Hi Maddie. First of all, thank you so much for this real raw. Say it how it is. Voicemail. I promise you there are thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of parents who will hear this and think, oh, I'm not the only one. You are not alone. A couple ideas for you. Number one, and this by far is the most important one for you or anyone listening to this who also struggles with play. Nothing is wrong with you. Realizing that it's okay to not like play or pretend play is the single most important thing that will help you engage in more play. I know that's bizarre. There's a huge paradox there. So let me explain more. We all do things we don't like. I don't know about you, but I don't like taking out the trash. I also don't particularly like unloading the dishwasher. I do both of those on the regular. Here's what I know. If every time I took out the trash and I didn't like it, I had a voice that said, becky, you are so lazy. You do nothing for anyone. You're so selfish. Well, I wouldn't be able to take out the trash. Not because I didn't like it, but because I was confronted essentially with a self belief, like I was a bad person. We can all do things we don't like to do. None of us can do things that bring up a belief that we're a bad person. We can do things we don't like. We can't do things that make us feel bad about ourselves. So let's kind of together say out loud, I don't like play. I don't particularly like pretend play. I don't particularly like when my kid creates games and made up rules. It's not really my thing. But I want to go a step further. Maddie. I want to say those same things with another statement. I don't particularly like to engage in play or in pretend play. And that doesn't mean anything about the type of person I am. I know this is why I can take out the trash. I don't like taking out the trash and that doesn't mean anything about the type of person I am now. I can take out the trash. So realizing that you don't like play is actually the key to kind of liberating yourself from the way that that can feel so, so heavy. Separate out not liking it from the type of person or parent you are. Next step with your son. I'd suggest naming it and limiting it. What do we name and what do we limit? Something like this, hey, you want to play this game and you want to make up the rules. It's so cool. You can be so creative. Here's the thing. I want to be honest with you. Playing games with different rules, it's really hard for me. It's really hard for me. And I'm working on it because I know you love it, and I want to do more of the things you love. So I'm going to do it. And I want to tell you I can do that for four minutes today. And maybe my sense is, four minutes. That's nothing. I know. Well, four is more than zero, and four is less than maybe the 30 you want. Four is what I have today. I can do four, and then maybe another day I could do a little bit more. What do you think? You're allowed to put parameters on that. And I promise you, Maddie, your body will have a sense of ease if you know there's a boundary around it. Right? If you know, I don't like to do this type of play, I can do it for four minutes. Now you're going to engage in it in a more kind of interactive, present way. And also, I think you'll be building your muscle for that type of play, which might mean the next time you're willing to do six minutes because it doesn't feel as much of a ch. Because it's something you've had more experience with. A couple other things. The next idea is something you're already doing. And I really want to just notice that you're already so reflective about kind of how your past maybe comes alive in your parenting. Our discomfort is often a sign of a larger story. And I think, yes, your discomfort with this kind of pretend creative play likely does connect to what you said, to the fact that you didn't really build your creative play muscle in your childhood. Probably you had to shut it down. Why? Because kids generally love to play. It's kind of their work. It's their world. And so when you were sitting on the couch, my guess is there was a part of you that was thinking, oh, I would love my parent to play a game with me. And how does a kid cope with that? Well, they develop a different part of them that actually looks to protect them, even though it sounds kind of mean, but just protect them from the disappointment and the unavailability. So my guesses, you at another voice that would say, stop, that's so silly. Or maybe even it's so stupid to play a game like that. That's so stupid. It's so ridiculous, it doesn't even make sense. Now let's fast forward 30, 40, 50 years and you're a parent and your child is essentially in the same place now as you were as a kid, where there's a part of your child saying, hey, I want to play a creative game. And it makes sense that that voice in you that says, oh, it's so stupid, or it doesn't make sense, would come up because that's what you had to do to help yourself when you were younger. So what can we do along those lines? I think first, develop compassion for that child, part of you. I really mean this, Maddie. Maybe talk to her. Like, imagine that couch you were sitting on watching tv, and maybe imagine you, yeah, you today, that adult you sitting on the couch next to her. I don't know what you'd say. You have the best words, I promise. It might be something like, I bet you wish you had someone to play with you. It's okay to want that. Or I bet it can feel a little lonely not having someone to play with right now. I get that. Or maybe it would be, hey, just because no one's playing with you, it doesn't mean play isn't super important. Remember that. I also think there'll be so many other ideas in this episode that will be really helpful for you. So again, thank you for calling and keep listening. Let's hear from our next caller, Ashley.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Ashley. My kids are eight and almost six and I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I am calling in response to your question about playing. Do we like to play? How is it going? I feel like I'm in a support group. My name is Ashley and I don't like to play. I like to play some things. I like board games and puzzles. I can get into some sports, but, like, one thing I really struggle with is imaginative play. My younger one in particular, she loves to, like, imagine. And when she. Even if she's building blocks, it's mainly about imagining. It's dolls. It's all the things I really struggle. But then there's this extra kind of layer that I'm struggling with where. So I don't love to play, but I say, okay, I'm going to sit down, I'm going to do it for 20 minutes or something. And I give myself that goal. And then while we're playing, she gets really controlling around how we play. And I, first of all, sometimes it's frustrating and I have to just, like, deal with my own triggers because I feel like I'm here, I'm trying, and now you're bossing. Me. And so once I've, like, kind of taken a deep breath and calm myself down from that, I just feel like, am I supposed to parent here or am I just supposed to let her boss me? Like, a couple times I've, like, really engaged and had some. What I thought was an interesting idea, and then she's just, like, dumped it out or something because it wasn't the way she wanted it to be. And I see this also happen in social relationships with her friends. And so I want to help her in that moment, but also I don't. I'm trying to play, and I feel like I have to switch, flip this switch to, like, now be the bossy parents or the thoughtful or wise parent. And I just don't even know how to tackle this problem. And I don't know if other people see this coming up, but it's something that happens in my home all the time. And I was wondering if you had any advice. Thank you.

Hi, Ashley. You know, my first reaction is really, I want you and Maddie to find each other and talk. I feel like you would really like each other. And I don't know if either of you are part of the good inside platform, but if you are, please DM me and I'll connect you with each other and so many other parents who struggle with play. Okay, some ideas first. And I think this is good for all of us right now. Pause and think about the free play you have in your own life. Yes, in our adult life. When do I play? When do I pretend? When do I imagine? You know, actually, it's interesting I'm asking these questions out loud to all of you, but I'm reflecting on them as well. And I feel, like, tearful thinking about this for me, too. You know, my adult life, all of us, our adult lives can get so serious, so logical, so linear, so planned, that we can almost fool ourselves into believing that this is the important way or the right way to do life. Although I think there's just like a knowing inside all of us as adults that saying play matters. Having a space to explore, to experiment, to try to create, it matters. I know that for me, too. It's why when I start doing art with my daughter, when she asks, I find myself a little bit taken away with it. And I promise you, I have very, very, very little artistic talent. But there's something about essentially just telling myself, you know, using these colored pencils on a paper and seeing what happens. It matters. I'm allowed to have this time. And so what's an Intervention around that. I think all of us could probably carve out a little bit more time in our lives for free play, for telling ourselves it matters. Whether it's art, whether it's baking, whether it's dancing, it's stuff that's good for the soul. And then there isn't such a big gap between the way we live our lives and the things our kids want to do essentially to run their lives. I think we'd all probably enjoy a little bit more play with our kids if we invited it into our life and the moments without our kids. Okay, what else? So you raise a really good question. Sometimes during play, I see kind of brought to light the things my kid struggles with. My kids being really bossy or my kids really struggling with frustration tolerance. Can I just play? Should I just play and go with it? Is there a teaching moment here? I'm all about optionality. So, number one, let me say if you're playing with your kid and. And you're thinking, I just don't want to get into this right now, Keep playing. If your kid is bossing you around and you think, yes, this is an issue, and yes, I don't have it in me, trust that and go with it. A different option. There's a way where you can allow your child continue taking on that role and kind of process it with them. So let me give an example. Maybe you're building blocks with a child, and your child always kind of tells you what to build, and you say something like, I want to build a castle today. Let's build. Build a castle. And your head kid says, no, no castle. There's no way we're building a fire department. Castles are the worst, right? Okay. If I have it in me, I might say something like this that allows me to kind of see the play continue and, you know, kind of process or build some skills at the same time. Huh? There's something about a fire department that feels really important. Huh? I don't even know if it's the fire department or if it's just the fact that it's your idea. Idea. Huh? Seems really important. We do fire and not a castle. Now, even if I end up saying nothing else, right? Ashley, I've intervened. I've added kind of a level of awareness. Right. I've done something Dan Siegel calls mind sight. I've seen into my child's mind, which helps a child become more reflective, and reflection is really a foundation for regulation and change. Right? So I've already done something. Maybe I continue. Huh? I wonder if it Would feel like it was no fun at all to build blocks and do someone else's idea. It's almost like if we did a castle, like, it doesn't even count as play because play supposed to be fun. And now I'm not doing my idea, and this is no fun. I wonder if it almost feels like that again. I'm just putting words to what my child might be struggling with, which inherently changes the moment. Okay, option three, Use play to experiment with a new role. So let's go back to that situation, and I'm feeling especially energetic as a parent. I say, ooh, I'm gonna kind of use this moment in a teaching way while engaging in play. I might say this. Well, you know what? I don't want to build a fire department. I know I don't usually say that, but I don't. And look, sometimes when we play and what I would do here is kind of be building with blocks, as I say this as opposed to locking eyes with child. That sometimes when we play, it just kind of feels like if it's not the thing you want to do, then we can't do anything. And I want you to listen to my ideas too. And that doesn't mean your ideas are bad. And sometimes we can do yours, and sometimes we can do mine. And sometimes we can have a super amazing idea where we take your idea and my idea and maybe combine it into a different idea. But if it's always your idea, well, I'm just gonna go do something else, because that's not always fun for me. Now, Ashley, is this something you have to do, and if you don't do this, you're some horrible parent who missed some amazing learning opportunity? No and no. I like having many options. Right. Go with the flow. Go with the flow and kind of add some commentary around it. Or don't go with the flow if you feel like there's a rigidity that you want to kind of help your child experience movement around. One more idea for you. And this is an idea for anyone where you notice your child in play ends up struggling with things. So maybe one of the reasons you don't like to play is because play ends up being difficult. Talk about it in advance in this situation. Ashley, you might be saying this. Yeah, I'd love to do some blocks. Let's do it. Oh, one second, one second, one second. You know what I'm thinking about? Sometimes when you have an idea of what to do and I have an idea of what to do, it feels like the only way we can Keep playing together is if it's your idea. And I'm just wondering now before we start, I don't know, we could take a deep breath together and think about how maybe this time we could do my idea or at least find a way to do both of our ideas. So now instead of waiting until the moment comes, I'm front ending it. I'm getting ahead of it. And one thing I know is that all of us, kids and adults, do better when we have a little more time to process. Let's hear from our final caller, Brittany.

Hi, Dr. Becky. It's Brittany from Nashville, Tennessee. I have three beautiful children and eight, five and three. And playing with them is not my most favorite thing. I oftentimes will begin to play and will work my character in a role of I will be the mom or the babysitter or the maid and I will clean or organize or straighten as we're playing because it's all I think about is keeping my house together or it's easier for me to play when I can do something that's on my mind. And you know, I have three, I have two girls and a boy. So how do I play with each one? If they want to play something different, the girls are usually easier because, you know, we can play house. But then with my 3 year old son, he wants to do something completely different. So it just feels very time consuming or slightly torturous. I know that sounds terrible, but how can I meet each of their needs to have my attention and play and maybe give me some guidance on maybe it's okay that I'm not playing, but I appreciate anything that you have for feedback.

Hi Brittany, thank you so much for calling in. And I hope by this point, as you've listened to Ashley and Maddie, you know you're not alone and nothing is wrong with you for not loving play or for playing and thinking about how also to multitask. So a couple ideas. First of all, when I was listening to how you kind of create a house cleaning role during play, you can play and maybe clean up your house at the same time, my first thought was, wow, Britney is one creative person. Britney knows how to play. She knows how to try things out, she knows how to get creative. So I would own that and I would maybe encourage you to tweak something. Here's what I encourage you to tweak. In play, we get to experiment with parts of ourselves that are smaller, that aren't as well developed. And my guess is one part of you that probably doesn't need any more growing or any more attention Is your caregiving part, Is your folding laundry part, Is your vacuuming part? And so I'd encourage you to think about this question and anybody listening, I would think about this question right now. What part of you might need more attention? What part of you is quieter or is more dormant? Is it a part that accepts caregiving, that is cared for? Maybe that's the baby part. Is it a part of you that's in charge and making certain decisions? Maybe that's the kind of sturdy pilot going through turbulence part. Is it a part of you that is super brave? And there's a firefighter part? And instead of thinking about it as something I have to do for my kid, I'm gonna cry as I think about this. Maybe it's something we can do for ourselves. Maybe as we play firefighter, we really tap into a part of us that's more willing to take on scary challenges, right? Maybe as we play baby, we become a little more able to call that friend and say, hey, you said you're going to the grocery store today. I actually would really love if you could pick up a few items for me. Thank you so much. I'd actually love to hear from all of you around this. So anyone listening, if you want to Send me a DM or send an email to goodinsidepodcastmail.com or send me a message on the platform if you're there, I'd actually really love to hear what part parts of you you could think about growing in play and kind of repurpose play for yourself in that way. Okay, second, a mantra for play. Here's a now not so secret secret about me. I don't always love to play with my kids. I really don't. And I'm gonna go back to the beginning of this episode and reference that I don't always like to play with my kids. And that doesn't mean anything about the type of person I am. One of the reasons I don't love play is I can get very caught up in my own narrative of all the things that need to get done, right? My checklist. One of the things that helps me stay engaged with my kid and not resent it is, number one, putting my phone away, right? Because my phone is constantly telling me all the things I have to do. It's dinging. It's kind of calling out to me always, Becky, there's something to read. Becky, there's an email to reply to, right? And so if it's there, it's impossible to engage in play because I feel like I'm not doing enough. After I put my phone away, I use this mantra. Becky, there is nothing more important than playing family with your son. Becky, there's nothing more important that you need to do right now than playing with play doh. With your daughter. There's something about the intensity of that statement. There's nothing more important that I need to do. There's nowhere else I need to be. Nothing matters right now as much as. And then fill in the blank with the play you're doing. Putting my phone away and using that mantra again. It doesn't necessarily make me enjoy play or say, wow, this is the best part of my day. It makes me tolerate it and engage and be more present and everything changes from there. Last thing, Brittany, you asked me, how can I meet all my kids needs? And you kind of insinuated, can you give me permission to not play with them? Permission granted. You can give yourself permission. I promise you, you don't need mine. Words like, I'm not available to play with you right now. Oh, you wish I could play. I can't. Oh, you have so much creativity inside you and so many siblings here. I have a feeling you all can figure it out. I wonder what you're gonna come up with. All of those scripts can be your scripts. And absolutely feel free to set that boundary and say, you're not available. Thank you, Maddie, Ashley, and Brittany for putting words to something so many parents struggle with. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. Number one, try this mantra with me right now. I don't love playing with my kids, and that doesn't mean anything about the type of person I am. Remember, we can all engage in activities we don't like. What we can't do is engage in activities that make us feel like a bad person. So remind yourself, I'm not a bad person. I don't particularly like playing in this way. Two, talk to your kids about play in advance of play. This is going to take so many different forms in so many different homes. Talking in advance might be about how things can get into a not so great place. So it might sound like, hey, before we end up playing this game, let's think about how one of us is going to win and one of us is going to lose. It might be, hey, let's think about doing art and about whether you and I can both put our ideas into our art project or talking in advance might sound like, I would love to play with you. I have five minutes. We can play for five minutes and then I have a feeling you'll be able to continue this project on your own. 3. Think about how you can repurpose play for yourself. Even the way we talk about it. Playing with my kid, playing the thing my kid wants to do versus what can I get out of play? How might play help me? What can I work on in play? What can I notice in play? When we see play as something that we're not doing for our kids, but something that we're doing in part for ourselves, the whole dynamic shifts. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcastmail.com There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many Good Inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about GoodInside membership. I promise you it's totally game changing and follow me on Instagram and Facebook drbeckyoodinside for a daily dose of parenting and self care ideas. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky, if you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.