Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Be Martyrdom

You're listening to Good inside with Dr. Becky. This is one of my favorite episodes. It's about the all important topic of self care, why it's so hard for so many of us, and actionable steps to start honoring your needs and building your confidence along the way. All of this and more right after a word from our sponsors. You hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good inside. This episode is an important one. It is all about self care and it's all about the things that get in our way of taking care of ourselves. I received so many voicemails on this.

Topic I have a hard time finding the balance. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated, honestly, with the idea of self care in my situation. It's definitely guilt that arises and I'm sure that possibly stems from not seeing it modeled.

So if self care is hard for you, please know that you are not alone and you are definitely in the right place listening to the right episode. Self care is hard for us for so many reasons, but one of the things that's often true is so many of us learned early in our life, way before we had kids, that our value came from gazing out and noticing the needs of other people and fulfilling those needs, sometimes even at the expense of voicing needs we had for ourselves. It is so easy to continue this pattern in parenthood. We have kids who need so much much of us. In this episode we'll be talking about how two things can be true. How you can take care of the people you love around you while you also take care of yourself. Our first caller is Barbie.

Hi Dr. Becky. My name is Barbie and I have a wonderful almost four year old little girl and an almost two year old little boy and I live in Sacramento, California and the topic of self care could not have been more important and prevalent in my life right now. I've been struggling so much with how to fit it in, how to prioritize it. Even when I have a partner who says that he is totally fine with it. I find myself feeling guilty when I schedule and an hour workout class or a walk with Friends, just to get some sanity and some time away from family. So I feel like I would love some advice as just to how to find that independent, strong woman that I used to feel like I was before I had kids and before I was a wife, and how to find her again, how to bring her back and help myself carve out the time for things that I need and for things that I want, like I used to before I had two kids and a husband counting on me. So any advice on how to just kind of find that strength and independence again to make it happen, not just think about it, but actually make it happen, would be amazing.

Hi, Barbie, thank you so much for calling in with this incredibly thoughtful set of questions. I have so much to say, but really what strikes me before I respond is how reflective you are and how much you're willing to really think about what's going on for you. And to me, that's just a huge strength. First, I think it's really important for all of us to speak compassionately and actually with gratitude to the part of us who has kept self care away, who has tended so much to the care of others rather than to ourself. I know that sounds odd because this is an episode about self care. But if self care is hard for us, there's a reason it's hard. And there's a reason that we've built this muscle of taking care of everyone else. And before that muscle kind of releases enough for us to activate a different muscle, the self care muscle, we have to honor the role it's played. So I would actually share words, something like this with yourself. Thank you. Thank you. Part of me who has taken care of my daughter, who has taken care of of my family's needs, there is so much to do and you've been doing a great job. Just like we say with our kids, feelings are looking for validation. Right? And people in general become more flexible when we honor what's happening for them. It's the same thing inside of us. So the part of us that feels guilty about self care, that wants to take care of other people instead of ourselves, is it will actually release a little bit if you honor its role. Okay. Second, remember that being a strong, independent woman doesn't mean you don't feel guilt. Right? We don't become stronger and more able to take care of ourselves by getting rid of guilt. We become more able to take care of ourselves from recognizing guilt, befriending guilt, intolerating guilt. It's not like the presence of guilt makes you not Strong. When guilt comes up in our body and takes over our decision, making sure that gets in the way of taking care of ourself. But the opposite of that, is it not having guilt, it's managing guilt. So let's talk about how to manage your guilt. I would start anticipating your guilt before you schedule in time for yourself. So that one hour workout class you referred to before you really put that on your calendar, I would actually spend 20 seconds, 40 seconds, five minutes talking to this guilt. Hi guilt. You're probably gonna come up when I put something on my calendar. That's my body's way of telling me I'm doing something for myself and that this is kind of a new behavior. So no wonder it feels uncomfortable. So often. Our guilt is actually someone else's distress. So check that in yourself. Am I feeling guilty because it's not within my value system to take care of my. My guess, Barbie, is that's not the case or am I feeling guilty because that guilt is really someone else's inconvenience? It's really inconveniencing my partner a little bit to ask them to watch our kid when I want to go work out or I'm really inconveniencing a family member in that way. And remind yourself it's okay if someone else feels a little inconvenienced or a little bit of distress. That's their feeling. I don't have to take it in and turn it in to my guilt. Once you've anticipated your guilt, once you've kind of done that check of asking yourself, is this really my guilt or is this someone else's feeling? It's probably going to be easier to put that workout into your calendar. And then from there remember that you can feel guilty and take care of yourself. So when you're doing that workout class and you feel that guilt, come on, say hi to it. Remind yourself, every moment I tolerate this guilt while engaging in self care, I am strengthening my self care muscle. So really Barbie, talking about bang for your buck, you're going to be doing a workout. You're going to be helping your kind of physical muscles in your body get stronger and and you're going to be helping that self care muscle get stronger along the way. Let's hear from our next caller, Shawn.

Hi Dr. Becky, this is Sian. I'm calling from Australia. I have three boys, almost five year old and my twins are two and a half. I'm calling in response to your post about self care and I guess my biggest struggle with that is what am I coming back to after I've had that time out for self care? It feels like I've got to prepare and plan. I've got to have everything ready so that everything can run smoothly while I'm gone. And then often it's about leaving a list of these things that I need done and then I'll come home. And mostly it's not all done or it's chaos or everything stacked up and I just go, was that really worth it? Like, did I? Did I really get that much benefit from the stress it's caused me coming home to things that would have been done, not being done? Yes. I just feel like I constantly weigh up the pros and cons and go, is there something I can do that's quick enough that it's going to give me some relief, but also not long enough that it's going to cause chaos and disruption to the order that I throw myself out to try and create in my home.

Hi Sean, you're raising a question I hear all the time from parents, especially parents who feel like self care is kind of hard to get. And then when they do something that feels like carved out time for themselves, there's a lot they return to. And then that question, is it worth it? Often becomes something they think about not after self care, but actually in anticipation of it. And even asking the question leads them to say some version of no, it's not worth it. And then they don't put the date in their calendar, they don't carve out or walk for themselves. And what does happen instead is the buildup of resentment and depletion. So I have two main thoughts. First is I often think that if a question gives us an answer that doesn't quite work for us, we're probably asking the wrong question. And I think that the question is it worth it? Is not the best question because it leaves us answering yes or no. And I always feel like any question that has some binary answer probably doesn't really speak to the nuances. Is it worth it? Yes, it's worth it. As if that's so clear or no, it's not worth it. And then it justifies us never taking care of ourselves. What do I think is a kind of better question to replace that question with? What is it like for me to take care of myself? And then what is it like when I return home? Now we're really getting into the process and instead of deciding yes or no, we're learning more about our experience. The part of that question I think that's really on your mind is what is it like when I return home after I've stepped away? And it sounds like it's not great. It sounds like it can be really stressful. When we ask the question what is it like when I return home? We then can start thinking about, well, what would make it a little better when I return home? So now it's not as if we're taking self care off the table. We're still engaging in self care, but we're now focused on what we might need after to make the transition back to caregiver a little easier. So here's what comes to mind for that part. The Making the transition back to caregiver a little easier. I would really think about what kind of non negotiables you have when other people are taking care of your kids and what might not be on the list. So for example, you might say, I'm going to have lunch with a friend. I have a partner watching my kids. Or I have an aunt watching my kids. Or I have a babysitter. And you might think, oh, the thought of coming back to laundry still in the dryer, not folded, that's enough to drive me up the wall. Or maybe you think, oh, I don't really mind folding laundry. I do it while I listen to good inside with Dr. Becky podcast. And really, it's the cleaning up the toys in the playroom that would drive me up the wall. Or it's both of those. Or it's oh my goodness, the dishes aren't in the dishwasher and the dishwasher isn't started. That's the thing. Or if the dishes are in the dishwasher and not put back, think about a couple things. Everyone's will be different. And communicate this proactively to whoever is watching your child. We often know when our needs aren't being met. Most of us know this. We have a surge of anger, feels awful. It's much harder to proactively recognize what your needs are and then practice speaking up to maximize the likelihood that they will get met. It's the difference between how could you not fold the laundry when you're watching the kids? Come on, they even took a nap or they were watching tv. You could have done something versus hey, when I'm going to lunch with my friend, could you please fold the laundry before I get back? That is a way of speaking up for my needs. It takes practice and it can feel a little scary. Especially if you are someone who were brought up to take care of others as opposed to ask people to. To take care of you. So if we bring these two things together, let's replace. Ugh, is it even worth it? With what is it like for me to take care of myself? And separately, what is it like when I return home and how can I make that return home, that transition back to being a caregiver a little bit easier? And probably the best way I can do that is to speak up early and speak up strongly and firmly enough about the needs I have from a different caregiver while I step away from that role. Our final caller is Lauren.

Hi, Dr. Bechte. My name is Lauren. I am calling because of your question about the issues with self care. And I can't even believe I'm going to say this, but I think my biggest issue with allowing myself self care is because it's such a trauma that I am working through. It's the martyrdom I actually think I crave being able to talk about all I've sacrificed and being able to feel like I have done something good by sacrificing so much. And I am horrified to say that because I know by saying it out loud how ridiculous it is and how not taking care of yourself just so you can hold that card is not doing anything for anyone. But I just kind of had that light bulb moment when I was reading what you were saying and reading your post and wanted to share my thoughts there because I'm sure there are probably other people who feel the same way.

Hi Lauren. Okay, let me just say this right away. I, I really mean this. I'm obsessed with this voicemail. I heard it and I just said, oh my goodness, this is so honest. Lauren is speaking about something that so many of us identify with and so many of us probably don't even realize this is happening. And yet it's really the idea that motherhood equals martyrdom. And we speak about this with our kids, but it's really the same for ourselves. We are always looking to figure out who we are. We're always looking for an identity. And even if an identity doesn't work for us or doesn't really help take care of us, if an identity is something we can wrap ourselves around, that feels very comforting. And the idea that taking care of yourself or carving out time for yourself might threaten an identity you've been forming, Lauren, no wonder that's scary. No wonder that would be hard. And again, thank you for naming something that I think so many of us, consciously or even unconsciously, are struggling with. First things first, there's Nothing ridiculous about anything you said to me. The opposite of calling something ridiculous would be to activate compassionate curiosity. And when we allow ourselves to get curious about our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our needs, our fears, that's when we start to change. I think activating curiosity around what you talked about might sound like this. What feels comfortable or known about being a martyr? To me, the idea of motherhood as martyrdom speaks to taking care of other others at the complete exclusion of taking care of yourself. How does being a martyr work for me? When does it start? How do I talk about it? What does it give me? What does it allow me to speak about? What does it justify? How does it give me purpose? Maybe even reflect on this as well? Was this modeled for me, this idea of motherhood meaning martyrdom? Where did I first learn that? Who around me models that as well? Who doesn't? When we reflect on these questions, we don't immediately find some answer or strategy. But what we do is we almost give ourselves context. We understand what's happening inside of us not as a flaw, but as part of a much larger system. Our body does not hold onto things that didn't work for us. At a point, it might no longer work for you to never take care of yourself. Because I think we all know that just adds up. It adds up in frustration, in depletion and sickness, in resentment and rage. But at some point, that did work for you. And reflecting on why something did work actually helps give that part of us the respect it's looking for. And that respect allows for us to have a little bit more space to experiment. So really give this idea of respect and get curious around it. Next area to get curious about, I would think about, what would I lose if I started to carve out time for myself? I think this is a really important question because it's really easy to focus on everything we'd gain. Oh, I'd be able to feel energized. I'd be able to see friends. I would feel good about my body again. Gain, gain, gain, gain, gain. And yet, if the idea of those gains haven't already motivated us, then we're not acknowledging some amount of loss that obviously resonates somewhere deeply in our body. What would we lose? I'm just brainstorming here, but maybe we would lose a talking point in a conversation. Maybe when someone asks us, hey, can you join this committee? Or, hey, we'd love you to go out to dinner with us. That is. It's kind of a reflex to say some version of, oh, I You know, I can't do that or I'm not gonna be able to make that and ugh, maybe I would lose that kind of comfortable response. Maybe it makes me a little nervous to make new friends outside my kids and I would lose the comfort of staying home. It's easy to see the gain, but we have to really acknowledge and validate the loss if we're thinking about shifting our identity. The last thing I am thinking about, Lauren, is this idea of two things are true. I think this is really helpful when we think about change. And with you, I'd be thinking about two things are true. I do give so much of myself to my family and I can carve out things that are just for me. Two things are true. I do care about meeting my kids needs and I can start taking care of my own needs. When we start a sentence even to ourselves with two things are true, we're much more able to hold on to seemingly conflictual ideas. Our body really likes talking to ourselves that way because it validates two different important parts of us. So, last idea, Lauren, again, thank you for bringing this up. I think you're speaking to something that so many of our listeners will be nodding right along with. And I would explore this thought you've had with compassionate, respectful curiosity. I would remind yourself that you don't have to choose between only taking care of others and only taking care of yourself. And then after that, I'd probably expose experiment slowly. I wouldn't do everything at once. I might tell yourself, I'm gonna have five minutes to sit on a couch. I'm gonna start by watching a TV show I like at night instead of doing something, you know, around your home or putting one thing on the calendar with another adult that doesn't involve your kids. Thank you, Barbie, Sean, Lauren, and everyone who called in with questions on self care. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. First, when it comes to guilt around self care, think about tolerating guilt rather than getting rid of guilt. If we focus on getting rid of guilt, then anytime we feel guilt, it will become a signal to cancel our plans or to not take care of ourselves. If we focus on tolerating guilt, we'll greet the guilt when it comes and know that it's part of self care, not an enemy of self care. 2. Practice speaking up for your needs proactively. This is harder than it seems because to speak up for our needs, we have to locate our needs. If you think about, hmm, what do I need from other people so I can engage in self care and come up blank. Nothing's wrong with you. It takes practice to think about what you need, especially if so much of your identity has been around taking care of other people's needs. 3. Activate compassionate curiosity. This is generally a good skill in every moment, especially when we struggle. So if it's hard for you to carve out time for yourself instead of layering on judgment, oh, how can it be so hard? It shouldn't be that difficult. Take a deep breath and find the compassionate curiosity inside of you. And instead of layering on criticism, ask questions like huh, there must be something really difficult about this. I wonder what this is about. How does it feel for me when I carve out time on my calendar? What happens for me when there's protest around the times I carve out for myself? Compassionate curiosity allows us to pause and it allows us to change. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to goodinside.com and sign up for Good Insider, my free weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook @Doctor BeckyoodInside for a daily dose of parenting and self care ideas. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson and executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky, if you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.