Raising Anti-Racist, Anti-Bias Kids with Britt Hawthorne

You're listening to good inside with Dr. Becky. My guest today is anti racist, anti bias educator, speaker, and advocate Brit Hawthorne. In this episode, Britt and I talk about concrete strategies to raise anti racist children, the work we can do on ourselves, and why it's important to celebrate each other's differences. With all that in mind, let's jump in. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even.

As we are having a hard time.

On the outside, we remain good inside. Hi, Brit.

I am so happy to have you on the podcast today. And maybe we can start. You can just introduce yourself, let everybody know who you are and the types of things you're interested in.

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I am honored, excited, and just full of joy to be here. I am Britt. If I'm new to you, I'm most affirmed by she her pronouns, but I also respond to they them pronouns as well. I professionally am an anti bias, anti racist facilitator. I work with caregivers and educators, really introducing them to anti bias education and anti racist education. What it is and how do we actually make it practical? How do we implement it so we can move from it being an idea to really being the culture? And at home, I am a mom to two incredible children. We typically call them artists 15 and 9, which I cannot believe. And if you're into personality test, I have to say I'm an ISFJ and an enneagram9.

Thank you. That is an amazing introduction. I feel like you and I could talk about so many different things and I'm sure the conversation will meander to a variety of them. But at least as a start, I'd love to kind of just enter into a conversation with you about anti kind of bias, anti racism in the house. Like with our kids, right when our kids are young, when our kids are kind of toddlers, elementary school, and kind of an up and kind of jumping into why this matters, how we can make it concrete. And also, I know you and I always love brainstorming around these situations that feel kind of complicated or on the surface make us say, oh, what's the. What do I say? Back or what do I do? Kind of these tricky situations that I think we all can get into with our kids.

So I'll start a little bit with my own journey into anti, anti racism. So I grew up Midwestern, born and raised. Grew up. I'm black, biracial, my mom is white, my dad is black. And so I don't think there was a day that went by that we didn't talk about race. But I have to be honest, I didn't really have the skill set to talk about racism. And that's very different. And so while I think there's folks out there that can notice skin color, can talk about maybe that there's some differences that do exist, we are not necessarily equipped with the language to talk about unfairness and injustice and to really understand it. Then I became a teacher and I started to see the inequities that exist for very young children, 6, 7, 8 year olds. And I'm thinking children are just starting out in their academic career at this age. How is that already that we have gaps? How is it that we already have children that are coming with inequities? And then how do we prevent that? So that's kind of how I started my journey, was me just being in the thick of it and noticing it and seeing it. And then when I had my own children also then noticing the ways in which they are personally being treated differently, being treated unfairly, and experiencing educational racism. And so from there I've just kind of dove, I mean, just head first into understanding what the problems are today, why we have groups of people that are disadvantaged because of racism, why we have inequities that exist not just in education, but exist in life expectancies. Health outcomes exist within our wealth. We have a wealth disparity in this country. Why do we still have segregated communities? If, you know, Dr. King marched and I was taught that now we have unity, why do all of these things still exist? And so from there, what I realized are these are really systemic issues and that we have to have a systemic approach to the solutions with it. So that's how I started was professionally. Then you start to hear all of these things from caregivers saying, it starts at home, right? These conversations have to start at home. But here was my problem. It didn't start at home. And I didn't know how to have the conversations. I didn't even know how to accurately identify the problem. So how can I give my children something I don't actually have the skill set for? And so now what I Do is I intentionally create an anti bias, anti racist home. And I'm working to gain these skill sets very imperfectly, but I'm like working to have these skills, to have strategies and tools and language so that as people say, it starts at home, that it can really start in my home. And my children are truly set up to not only be empathetic, not only to critically think these really large problems, but then how do we move to action too? How do we be a part of the solution?

I actually want to go back to what you started with in your home, because I'm sure listeners here will relate to that. Just even the difference between talking about race and talking about racism, or the tools to notice differences in race versus the tools to identify and talk about racism. Can you just separate those two things for us?

Yes, that's a beautiful question, because sometimes we think one is the other, right? So talking about race is really talking about something that is socially, economically and politically crafted. It's been created and manufactured. While we have scientists who have tried to prove that race is biological, I always call that pseudoscience that there's no such thing genetically, that we have a genetic marker that's our race. Race is something that's been invented and continues to be manufactured. Then because we all have bought into in the United States this idea that race is real and that race makes differences, and because we have those differences, that it's somehow okay to treat people better or people can receive more access or advantages, then we've created a system based on power that comes into racism. Racial categories, and those have shifted over time. That's something I learned as I've researched. I grew up thinking that race was something that was pretty real and it was based off of your skin color or geographical location of your ancestors. Then as I started to research and what I do with my young children right around seven years old, I start to ask them questions like, have you ever thought about how many racial groups there are? Have there always been five or six? You know, who do you think is left out? And to really just kind of start getting our mind. And as we ask those big questions and some people can name those and some people can't, then we start to really see the holes in a manufactured system. Racial identity is something that we all have. We all have a racialized body here in the United States. So you could be white, black, Asian, Native, American, American Indian, indigenous. And so we all have a racial identity. And that racial identity allows us to have access or denied access to certain things in this Country.

And.

And when we start to have advantages or disadvantages backed by power, now that's racism. And so racism is talking about the unfair treatment of a group of people.

And when you said race was talked about in your home more than racism, what kind of conversations were had? What kind of conversations were absent?

Oh, yeah. So we. A lot of times it was really kind of fun, loving conversations that we would have. Sometimes there are things based in stereotypes. I'll give you an example. We oftentimes would make fun of, like the way that macaroni and cheese for certain groups of people will be an entire meal and they just eat like a bowl of Mac and cheese. But for another group of people, it's a side dish. And so on my mom's side, like Mac and cheese, we could eat it for lunch. That was it. Same with spaghetti. It's like a whole meal, but on my dad's side, it's like, oh, no, that's a side dish. We have to have it with catfish or we have it with chicken. And so thinking about race and noticing it in that way, the way that we parent our children. And so sometimes if my dad would do something, you know, it's like, oh, that's. That's the black side of you. So we oftentimes, like, will notice that when we would go places, we would go to church on Sunday. We oftentimes will point out how many black people are in the service. Because it was so few of us. We could actually point it out in a sea of 200, you know, if we went to a ball game, same thing. And there's one time in particular that I can remember being probably 8 years old, and that was the first time my parents really talked to me about racism. We were at the store we went to all the time, and it was like our. Like a larger drugstore. And I remember my dad was feeling pretty sick, and so we stopped in the drugstore for him to pick some medicine up. And we were being followed. And it was so blatant that we were being followed through the store. And it was my first experience really being conscious of that. And my dad, if you ever meet him, he's really funny, fun loving, very calm, mellow, just demeanor about him. And so he just turned around and said, you're following me. I know you're following me because I'm black and you need to go away. And at that point, I hadn't ever really thought about racism in that way. Like, why would someone follow us because we were black. So while we talked about Race. We talked about skin color. We talked about differences. We didn't usually talk about the impacts of, of the discrimination.

If a family's listening to this and they're a family who is wondering, okay, well, should I be talking about race to my kid? If my kid is white, should I be having that conversation? Should we be talking about racism, how they might be less likely to be followed in a store? Right. I. I know one of the things about the listeners here is they, they hear ideas and they, they want to put them into action. They want to know kind of like, what, what can I do?

We want to first start with always educating ourselves. So that's this, like, lifelong journey. If I'm still just being curious and I'm trying to reparent myself as you reparent yourself and you're modeling with your children, you're going to notice your language is shifting. Your language is going to become more accurate. Your language is also going to become more fluid and flexible. You're also going to notice how you have more comfort and confidence thinking about human differences and also unpacking. So start with yourself. Second of all, what's really important is when you have young children, regardless of their racial identity, we also want to start with skin tones. Sometimes caregivers hop right into racial identities. We want to pause on racial identities because racial identities come with history, particularly difficult or hard history. We want to wait until a child's in elementary school so that we can start talking about, like, what is the story or the history of the white racial identity, or what is the story or history of black racial identity. So we're going to pause on that one. And with your young children, 2, 4 years old, you just want them getting comfortable with having accurate language for skin tones. So you might start with making skin tone paint together with your child. Mix the three primary colors together, maybe a little white or a little black, and have them find a just right shade. We're not looking for perfection. Something where they say, like, yes, this is my skin tone. And you're like, oh, what would you call this?

Right?

And they might say sand, beach, sand, white sand. They might say almond. They might say peach. They might say mom's latte. Go with it. You can make extras and bottle it up. And then you can start to do different crafts with that skin tone paint, but then start to introduce other skin tones to them as well. And say, what would you call this skin tone? When you're reading a book together at night or you're watching a television show right now, what you're doing for them is you're saying, hey, we notice differences. Differences are beautiful. There's language for differences. So we're really having this, like, nomenclature that most of us didn't have growing up for how to talk about skin tones as well. So that's really where you want to start with children to 4 years old and they're young. That also means when your children start to notice that you're going to be out and about and they're going to ask questions, they might ask you, why is that man's skin so dark? And you have to be prepared to respond to that.

Let's stay with that. So someone has their. Let's say it's their daughter in a grocery store and they hear this question. And I think that there can be this reaction of, oh, no, right. Almost this horror at that question, but along the lines of noticing or even verbalizing differences. Tell me, tell me what that question says to you, Brit, and what that question from a child does not say.

I want to say something about when you said there might be this horror to that, and I just want everyone to know when you have that physical reaction of horror, I think it's because for so long, so many of us have been conditioned to say, or to think that if I see differences, then that makes me prejudice, or that if my child sees race or sees color, even just by seeing it, that's a racist act. And it's not. It's not. Right. So to your question, Dr. Becky of like, when a child says that, it tells me that their mind is turning, like the wheels are turning. And they're saying, hey, can you help me to understand the world I'm experiencing? Can you help me to understand this moment? They know intimately who they are, and they're also constructing who they're not. So they're saying there's something different here. Just like they would ask you about the sky if it's raining outside, and they might say, why is it raining? Might be something that's new or different for them. And they're just inviting you into their world to say, can you give me some language? Can you help me to understand this? So what it's not is prejudice by any means, that curiosity. And when we notice differences, particularly a person's skin color, we also then are recognizing a part of their humanity. It's a part of their identity. It's recognizing that in someone else. I think for so long, we always wanted to find similarities with other people, right? And so we get really comfortable about finding what's Similar in order for us to be nice or for us to be good or for us to be kind. And what we're saying really is we can be different. We actually all have the right to be different. And yet we still can be kind and good and nice. Right. It's like it's an and not a but.

Yes. So let's get into this moment. Right. Because I know you and I both like to make things really concrete. So my four year old daughter says, oh, that person's skin colors so much darker than mine. Why. So we're going to put in the no bucket. The sh. Or in the no bucket might be. We don't say things like that. Right. Or something like that.

Yes.

What. What goes in the. Yes, let's see. What. What can we put for parents in the yes bucket?

So I definitely would say, oh, that's a beautiful question. Everyone gets their skin color from something called melanin. It's this visible genetic code that our parents give us. So some people have more melanin than others. And the more melanin, the darker the skin. And then I kind of usually will just take a pause for my children because again, they're thinking. And then I also want to say, like, what other questions do you have? Or can you ask me another question? I'm letting them know I'm affirming what they're noticing is good. It's right to keep inviting me in that conversation because I also want to hear anything that they may have drawn inaccurately so that I can unwork that too.

I love that so much. So. And what you're doing there, I think about everything through an attachment perspective. And I feel like our kids when they're young, right. They're always wondering what parts of me get closeness and connection.

That is safety.

Right. And what parts of me get distance and disconnection.

That is threat.

And obviously distance and connection could be, you know, go, go to your room or you're kicked out of the house. Obviously there's a, you know, a proximal distance there. But distance can also be the dart eyes we give our kids, you know, the like. Oh yeah, like that look that you just know. We all remember the look. Right.

Or it's like we can talk about this in the van, you know, and.

It'S like.

Stomach dropped. Yeah.

And what a kid actually does with that, if they get the glare or that. We can talk about this in the van or don't say things like that. Right. It's really not the content. They hear what they actually hear. Is the part of me that noticed a difference and was curious about it is bad. It's bad because it's met with this threat feeling that comes when my attachment feels less secure with my parent. And then that lesson of what feels safe or threatening with a parent, that's the override system for a kid, because that's how they survive, is by making sure they maximize attachment. And so if they're noticing a difference is met with a harsh shutdown, they will kind of tell themselves, don't ask those questions. Don't even notice it. That is so bad. Not anything to do with their beliefs about skin color. All driven by this mechanism of attachment.

When young children, when they also feel threatened, they now can also associate that skin color. That person.

Right.

Threatening something here might not be safe. And they're not coding things. Right. They're young, they're four, they're five, they're curious. And so now, that moment with that skin color, that association, that fight or flight feeling that they're now having, um, it's all setting in in that one moment. And I. And I think it's really important, too. You gave such powerful examples. But I want all the caregivers to remember, too, if you're holding your child's hand and you end up squeezing their hand really tight or you blush or your heart starts beating, and your child can pick up on all of that, they're picking up on something about this is uncomfortable.

Right.

And so now I'm also taking in this discomfort, too, which is why I said it's so important that we educate ourselves. We get comfortable, we get confident. And if any time you're unsure of how to respond, you know, you can always just say, hmm, that's such a great question. And it's one of those questions I haven't thought of just yet. Let me go and do some research, or let me ask my parenting partner and I'll get back to you. Right. And so. And you're modeling humility to your child. You're modeling vulnerability, and that just kind of continue that. We're a lifelong learner, so never, ever feel like, gosh, Brit, that was a great answer. I don't think in the moment I would have that one. Just always feel empowered to model and say, I don't know just yet, but I'll find out, or we can find out together.

And I think that's right, that if we're going to all memorize one script from this episode, it's what you just said, or I know sometimes I try to say to my kid. That's a great question. Great questions deserve great answers. And I don't have one on the spot for you. I'm going to going to get it and come back to you. And then I think the thing that we should know as parents is parents will often say that in a tricky situation, maybe it's that moment in the grocery store, maybe it's your three year old unexpectedly saying to you, are you going to die one day? Right? It could be anything. They just think, oh my goodness, what am I going to say? And then remember to go back to your kid. You don't need your kid to ask again to have permission to go back. That question was asked, which means the wondering was there. And either we meet that wondering with a kind of answer or a thought process, or we leave it alone for a kid. And so I always hold myself accountable to go back to my child, even if they don't end up saying to me, hey, mom, remember that question that you haven't answered yet?

Yes, I love that.

Let's go back to that moment. Because one other thing I want to give parents in that kind of grocery store moment, or wherever you are, is if you're a parent, you're thinking, oh, but what if I can't catch myself before that hand squeeze? Or I do the glare and then I'm at home thinking, oh, my child just asked about skin color. I wish I didn't have that reaction. Ugh, is it too late? Right, so it is never too late. And just naming to your child what you noticed about your reaction is already, it's a massive intergenerational change. So you can say to your child that night or it could be weeks later, hey, remember when we were in the grocery store and you asked me about that person's skin color and I ended up saying to you, oh, you're being so rude. Don't say things like that. I wish I said something else. And you know, it's made me think about how my parents never talk to me about different people's skin color. And actually talking about differences you notice.

Is actually a really good thing.

And it's actually something I want us to do. And I'm sorry if that moment felt bad to you. Right. And I hear your words in my head, I just don't want to say them. I'm going to let you share them with kind of some powerful language you've shared about how you can name your own. Maybe whether they're prejudice beliefs to your kid. When you notice them coming up about kind of picking something up. So can you share some of that? Because I think the listeners will find that language really powerful too.

Oh, yeah. So as I have shared in my own journey, you know, I have picked up a lot of things. I've picked up stereotypes, I've picked up microaggressions along the way. And so when I notice that, as you're saying, Dr. Becky, that I always like to tell my child, oh, I don't know where I picked that up, but I'm going to go ahead and put that back down or I'm going to work to put it back down. And I want my children to also hopefully internalize that message, is that they go through their life to none of us, not one single person on this planet is going to be immune to picking up prejudice or saying something that's rooted in racism or rooted in ableism or rooted in homophobia. And so sometimes what we've picked up we're sharing with our children, we're sharing with loved ones. And so what I want my children to know is, first of all, I've picked something up. I don't know where I got it from. I'm going to work to put it back down. And I hope by even modeling that self talk with myself, I'm modeling it with my children, but for myself that later in life when they also have picked something up and they're in a loving relationship with a friend, they're in a loving relationship with a different caregiver and they say something and someone calls them on out on it, that they can say, oh, I don't know where I pick that up. I'm going to go ahead and work to put it back down.

The goal is in I'm gonna free myself forever of any racist, prejudiced, ableist thoughts, just forever. But the goal more is I'm gonna try to catch those thoughts when they come, recognize them, be curious about them, and work to put them down. Is that, is that the goal?

A hundred percent. And you've talked about this before, Dr. Becky, about how this is a practice, right? Just like if it's a year yoga practice or we just had the Houston marathon, we were out there cheering for those folks, the runners, right? That's a practice. And becoming anti bias, anti racist is also a practice. The goal is never going to become 100% free because there's a lot of different factors that's creating these behaviors. Some of it is going to be biases that are working against us. Other times it's just things that have been normalized A part of our culture in which we have to have people to be able to say that rule, that law, that policy, that belief, that does not uphold our values. And I know that that's the way it's always been done. And that's never a good excuse to keep doing something that way. Right. And so there's a lot of different factors that's playing in it. So we all have to work to become anti bias, anti racist. I always love putting becoming in front of that word, even for myself, like I am becoming. But it will never be a destination for us to arrive.

I think that's just so, so freeing. Right. Because there's always an opportunity. You're never kind of in the oh, I messed that up category. Because those moments where you could put it into the failure category could be the same moment you think, oh, here's my opportunity, like, this is my bang for my buck moment, where I can pause and say, well, what? What was that? And let me look into that. So we actually want kids to notice differences in the world across the board differences. This is how they put their kind of understanding, their stories together. Let's take something that's more than noticing. You know, your child wants to invite to a birthday party. Anyone with darker skin keeps getting the, no, no, I don't like her. I don't like him. Yeah.

So I have this acronym called share that's really, really helpful for me. So I'll kind of first just say what each letter stands for and then we'll kind of go through some examples and we can try to, you know, recap that.

Great.

So for share, I really want to share in the learning with my child. I'm not trying to distance myself from what they've done, and I want to make sure I'm connecting. So first I want to say something right away. I'm going to say something to my child right away. Then I want to help them to understand. For our young children, 2, 3, 4, that's really going to be something experiential I want to do with my child. If they're older, 6, 7, that might be a conversation I'm having with them. I also might need to ask for help, especially if it's something that I know is in me that I haven't unpacked yet. I'm not going to be the best expert to guide my child. I'm going to have to really recognize and interrogate. Oh, gosh, this is something generational. And so I'm going to have to turn to Google. I'm going to have to turn to parenting partners. I'm going to have to find an episode with Dr. Becky. Right. I want to also, if my child said something in front of someone, I want to repair the harm with the other child. And I really want to model what does repair look like? And then last but not least, embrace the critical conversation, which I think is the hardest one, especially for caregivers. We want to be perfect. I know it's. We want to be perfect. We want to feel like we're checking everything off the to do list. We want to feel like we have all the right answers. We want to feel like we're just on top of it. Right. I am introducing foods at the right time. We're walking at the right time. We're hitting all those milestones that the pediatrician talks about. And when we don't, sometimes that starts to really affect us, which means that I might avoid having a critical conversation. So let's say, you know, I notice my child is refusing to play with another child because they're too dark. I'm definitely going to say that, hey, this is what I'm noticing. Do you notice it too? Or I might say, you're noticing her skin color is darker than yours, or their skin color is darker than yours and your skin color is lighter than theirs. That part is really important, especially for our children with white skin, pale skin, light skin, because they're so centered in media, they're centered in children's books, that they can start to feel like they are the neutral or that dominant identity can feel like it's quote unquote. Right. And what I want them to know is you're on a spectrum. There's light skin and there's dark skin. And you, too, are on that spectrum, which is why it's important for white families. Your children 6, 7, older, your white child needs to have language for their whiteness. Super important.

But just before you keep going, because I think this is important, because I wonder if our parents, like, that doesn't feel like enough. Like, should I be saying to my child, like, that's racist. Right. Like, you're using a very different language to say to a kid as a start. And I know there's more. Well, you're. You're noticing difference in skin color. Your skin's lighter than theirs, their skin's darker than yours. That's different than leading the conversation with, like, you're. You're being racist right now. Yeah.

I would not leave the conversation with, you're being racist right now. Yeah. Well, first of all it's just a misunderstanding of the term racist. So racist is going to be a personal prejudice which is happening and a systemic misuse, abuse of power. Okay, seven year old, seven not in power here in the United States. Not only is it just a really misrepresentation of the definition of racism, which hopefully our children will learn later on so that they can identify those laws and policies, but it's not a connecting statement. Even as an adult and I'm in a loving relationship with someone, I want someone to be able to say, hey, this is what you're doing, right? You're noticing and this is where it went left, right? And so that's where you want to be able to say, but what you're doing is unfair. And children understand that word, unfair. So you know that what you're doing right now is unfair. What you can also say is you can reaffirm. So instead of saying, you know, drawing your line by saying you're being racist and our family doesn't stand for that, instead you can draw that line and say, hey, I want to remind you, you can play with children with dark skin, you can play with children with light skin, you can play with children with pale skin. What matters is the way that you treat people and the way they're treating you. And right now you're not treating someone fairly. That's going to have a really big impact. That can also go across conversations and stick with them.

And one of the things I think about too in these moments is when your kids say these things, right. Even if it is, I don't want to invite any of these girls to my party. You have this opportunity, right? What, what do we want? We want to get into that moment with our kid and open it up and probably we wish for some type of movement, right? That's what we wish. Like, I hope I can help my child move from that kind of pre prejudice place. Right. And whenever you're with a kid or another adult, if you want to have an opening for movement, we can't say something to someone that's going to be the thing that shuts them down, which literally makes them stuck in that place. Right. We have no opportunity for movement. So I think you were referring to that too, that from a effectiveness standpoint of communication, we can't effectively communicate with someone and expect them to listen to us or be open minded. And if they feel kind of psychologically. Yeah. Shamed or threatened or attacked.

Yeah. And what I also see is, you know, there's ways that we can have these conversations with adults. And I may or may not outright call an adult and say right now you're being racist or what you're doing is rooted in racist. I think it's so important that we are approaching the conversation and being in reality about where our child's development, where they're at developmentally. And so what might be right for a 54 year old or even a 29 year old is not going to be the same approach that we have with a two or three or four year old. And what helps me to remember is that I always know that my child is trying to do what is right, they're trying to do what is right. So if they're not inviting other children to their birthday party, it's probably because they think it's wrong. And I have to ask myself the question of where did you pick that up? Right? So I might even then also ask my child. So you're probably wondering something. Will you ask me? Right? And when our child are exhibiting behaviors of pre prejudice, what I want to do is not only have that conversation and share in the learning with them, but I want to make sure I'm preparing my home. So that's where I start to look inward and I start to look around their bedroom. I start to look around my house and say, look, what examples do I have that's showing interracial friendships? Do they have dolls that are they're playing with on a daily basis? What about the other children at their school, their daycare, their childcare? What about the TV shows that they're watching? And if my children are always getting this actually happened. I have a school that called me in and they said that they have a white child who told the other black children she can only have one black best friend four years old. And they called me in and the white families feeling humiliated and mortified. And it's interesting, the families at the school wanted this family out. They said that family is racist, their child is racist, we want them out. And I came in and I said, well, it's actually a really common inaccurate conclusion that 4 year olds can make. And it happens. And I said, let's just try to take some stock of your family's diversity profile. And I had all the families do that. And you know, you start to ask questions, you know, the color, the what is the racial identity of their classmates? What about the people that come to your home? What about your best friends that you're modeling for them? What about the place that you go to worship if you do? What about their soccer teams? And what that white family realized is almost everything was predominantly or 100% white. I said, so your child drew an inaccurate conclusion, came to school, and shared that inaccurate conclusion with the other children. So now what are you going to do? Now that you have this information, what are you going to do? What changes are you going to intentionally make? That, yes, they're going to push you out of your comfort zone, but it's going to help your child draw an accurate conclusion because that's as simple as it is. Right. We know our children are absorbing information from the world around them, just not always accurately. They do say the darnest things.

Well, what you said about kids goes along with one of my core beliefs, too, for adults and kids, which is, you know, we're all doing the best we can with the resources we have available in that moment. And one of the things you do is give parents, you know, more comprehensive resources than they've ever had or than they've had so they can give their kids. So we can give our kids more resources. And the thing that you often do, Brit, which I think will be familiar to a lot of the listeners here, is you're so invested in asking questions rather than like teaching truths, like even that question of what are you wondering? Right. We want our kids to ask questions. Asking questions is a sign of being curious. It's a sign of being open. Open to learning. Right. Versus telling our kid. Only with that, let's say, birthday party example. It's not nice to, you know, only invite the other white kids. That's like a sentence I'm saying to a kid versus what are you wondering? Or, you know, tell me more what you're thinking about, like opening up the conversation is how we get our kids wheels to turn. And then that is actually what gives them a new experience. Experience to question the kind of, like you said, inaccurate conclusions they might have drawn to that point.

Yes. And then they will pick up that language. And when they notice, as they get older, their friends doing that, now they have the language and the skills and the strategies that we talked about in the beginning that we didn't have, now they can then call out Jacob, they can call out Isaiah and say, hey, I'm noticing this. Can you tell me more? Or I'm noticing this. And I think that's unfair behavior because now we just taught them, we just modeled those strategies. And I promise you they will pick it up. And you're going to get an email from your child's teacher and say, because I get it all the time. So and so said this, and it was a really beautiful interaction. They're being a great friend and they're really upholding our classroom values.

So you and I could. Could talk forever, and we could definitely could talk about this topic forever. If parents here, we're going to leave with a couple things, a couple ideas, a couple of kind of concrete actions. What do you want them to. To leave with?

First and foremost, your child is never too young, your family is never too early to start doing this work. So whether you're a seasoned caregiver or just starting out, I encourage you to do anti bias, anti racism work with your children. So it's first and foremost. Second of all, it's really important to think about your child's development. Continue to follow folks who are giving you tools, like Dr. Becky about your child's development so you can better respond to their questions. And continue to do the lifelong work of reparenting yourself and being more comfortable and confident, both with diversity, human diversity, but also with activism and gender justice. And what does that look like to actually have reconciliation with groups of people that have been historically marginalized, have been historically vilified, have been historically pushed to the margins? So really find your family's relationship with advocacy as well. And I think the last one, and probably the most important one I should have started with is community. Right? We want to do this work in community with one another. We want to be talking to not only our partners, our husbands, our wives, our spouses. We want to be talking to our grandparents, we want to talk to our siblings all about, hey, what is it that you learned? Like, what was your earliest memory of noticing differences? Did you have anyone in your life helping you to think about this? And either I did or I didn't. You know, how do we want our children to feel thinking about human differences? How do we want them to live out values of justice and advocacy and just start having those conversations? And they can be uncomfortable at times, and they can be really, really beautiful most of the time.

Such a powerful conversation. Thank you, Britt. And tell people who are listening where they can find you and the projects you're working on right now or the kind of latest thing that you want to share with them.

Yes. I mean, if I wish you could see my face, because I'm smiling ear to ear, because I have a book coming out and I'm so excited. I've been writing it for the last year. It's called Raising Anti Racist Children. And what I really want y' all to know is it's a practical guide. So it's full of scripts and activities, things that we can do with our children to share in the learning and that's coming out in June. You can pre order it now and then I share probably way too much on Instagram so you can read along on Instagram. I love love love Instagram but you can read along ET Hawthorne on Instagram.

Awesome. Well thank you. I know you and I will have many more conversations and thank you for being here for this one today.

Thank you. I appreciate you and everyone that's listening. I am truly humbled.

Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situation in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcastmail.com There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many Good Inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about GoodInside membership. I promise you it's totally game changing and follow me on Instagram and Facebook. Dr. Beckyoodinside for a daily dose of parenting and self care ideas. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, an executive produced by by Erica Belsky and me. Dr. Becky if you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.