Setting Boundaries With Nedra Tawwab

You're listening to Good inside with Dr. Becky. If you follow me on Instagram, chances are you probably follow my guest today as well. I'm beyond excited to have therapist, author, content creator, and friend Nedra Tawab on the show today. In my opinion, Nedra is the modern boundary queen. So naturally, we discuss all things boundaries. What are boundaries? Where do we get them? How can we practice them? Why are they so hard? What do I do with all the guilt? And why are boundaries so important for self preservation? I think we all need this episode. I promise you so many aha moments and actionable strategies. So with all that in mind, let's jump in. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Hi, Nedra. I am so happy to have you here today.

Hi.

We have so many different things to cover today. The Good inside community heard that you were going to be on the podcast and they submitted about a million scenarios, so we're gonna only have time for a few. But before we fully jump in to kind of brainstorm how to kind of set and hold boundaries in so many different tricky situations, can you tell everyone a little bit about you, who you are, and the things that interest you?

I am a therapist who is also an author, a content creator, a writer, a practice owner, and I still see clients.

Amazing. You do so many different things. And tell me about your relationship with the topic of boundaries.

It is an ongoing relationship. We've been together for a very long time. Me and boundaries. It is something that I learned very early and I was given something, some space to implement some of them. But I would say as I've gotten older, I have grown in my courage to do it more often as a life saving and preservation practice.

Wow. And can you, for someone listening who's thinking, I hear that word all the time. Boundaries. Boundaries. But it would be helpful to kind of crystallize, you know, a definition or one of many definitions. How do you think about what boundaries are?

I think of boundaries as so many things. It is saying no, but it is also saying yes to things at times. It is requiring certain things of yourself. Setting expectations with yourself and others and limits and rules and structure. It is so much of what we already do that we can get better at doing in various areas. Anytime I hear a person say, I don't have any boundaries, I challenge that. And I say, you probably have some very healthy boundaries in this one area and you may need to tighten up in another area. That is typically the case. We do have boundaries. We do have rules and structure in one area or another. But perhaps there are problem boundaries in certain areas that we need to bring up to speed for them to be healthier.

I love that framework. And that means for everyone listening, it's true. I think it's easy to hear the topic of boundaries. And I'm thinking a lot of the people who are listening already follow you on Instagram or have your book. And by the way, if you don't, you should do both of those things immediately, pause the podcast and do that. And yet I think it's intimidating. People might think, oh, yeah, like, I have so much, oh, my goodness, I have so much work to do on boundaries. Like you said, I'm horrible at boundaries. And I love that strength, spaced approach. You have boundaries. You do. You kind of wouldn't be surviving if you didn't. Because boundaries are necessary for self preservation. And so it's helpful to say kind of, you know, two things are true. There are areas where I have boundaries, and actually looking into those areas can teach me a lot of lessons. And then there's areas where I'd like to apply some of those lessons and strengthen boundaries in a way that work for me. Is that kind of in line with what you were saying?

We can have both healthy and unhealthy boundaries at the same time.

So why. Why are boundaries so hard? Like, why are they so hard for so many people? Why are so many people listening to this thinking, yes, like, I want to be on kind of an improvement journey around boundaries.

We have challenges with placing boundaries because we care. We wonder about what people will think, what will they feel? What is the nicest way to say this? How do I do it and feel guilt free? How do I do it and be the nicest possible often? Well, every Monday in my IG story, I do a Q and A. And so many times the questions are around, how do I say, I don't want to come to your party? And my response is typically quotes, I don't want to come to your party, period. End quote. And I say, you already have the words. There is no perfect way to say a hard thing that May feel hard for you, but I promise you, that person probably has invited 30 people and some of them have said no.

And I think what you're insinuating is something, you know, I think a lot about too, with setting boundaries or saying no is that we often set ourselves up for something that's impossible. Because people say, how do I say no? But I think often they mean how do I say no and make sure that person isn't mad and make sure I don't feel guilty? Right. Where they're really two different things. And often setting boundaries involves tolerating the distress that we think we can avoid. And if we wait and wait and wait to avoid that and set a boundary, my guess is the waiting is it's going to be forever. I don't know. In my life at least. Yeah.

We can't say hard things and expect people to not have a response to that. We can't say things that we think are okay to say and expect people to be happy with it. We never know how someone will respond. And if we wait to say things based on how they might respond, I often fear that we won't speak up.

I think that's exactly right. That in some ways there's something controlling about that idea that I'm trying to control how someone reacts versus I'm trying to control what I feel like in my core I need to do for myself. And then I have to kind of tolerate and cope with, you know, what happens next. But that's very different than trying to control for that outcome, especially if it's.

In someone else and we can't control for it. It is something that we can't plan. I have seen all sorts of reactions based on different things in life. You know, as therapists, we see people dealing with some of the same things and everyone's reaction is different. So we can't say that if I say this to a person, they will cry or they will be mad. They'll never talk to me again. There is no way of being certain.

Yeah, I think that's exactly right. And so many of us, I think growing up had to be so attuned first and foremost to probably our family members reactions to us. And we kind of use that to back ourselves into whether it's okay or not to have wanted that thing or to have asked for that thing. And then we carry that into adulthood where we kind of say, oh, how's someone going to react to saying no to their party? And then we use that even though it's made up data, because We've no idea, as you said, but we use that made up data to then back into our decision rather than starting with, okay, what do I want? What do I kind of know internally? Okay, and then what's the. What's a way I can communicate that that feels good to me. Right. And what might happen next? And we start with ourselves versus starting with someone else. And I think boundaries are really hard for people because it does kind of require you to start by looking in instead of looking out.

I find that the biggest boundary area is the boundaries with self. We often think that our boundaries are a way of controlling other people, but it is really a way for us to control our roles and relationships, what we do or do not tolerate. Because we can't change people and sometimes we don't even want to leave the relationship with them. Or we do have to build different habits to coexist in those relationships.

Yeah, so. So speaking about relationships, I've received a bunch of kind of specific situations that people would love. Nedra Tuab's guidance on. You know, I call you the modern boundary queen, so I also would love your guidance on this and knowing. And I know you feel the same way. There's no right way. So Nedra and I are going to be brainstorming things, but we' words for Nedra or words that I might use are not necessarily at all the right words for you. This is just meant as kind of a brainstorming starting point. So if it's okay with you, I wanna play a little game. I'm going to just kind of shoot off some ideas, kind of some scenarios, and I'd love to hear your reactions on how someone who knows they want to set a boundary might communicate that boundary in these kind of sticky situations.

All right, ready? Let's go.

Okay. By far the most popular kind of request and of course probably related to the parenting focus community in laws and extended family. So here's a situation my in laws do not agree with. How I parent our 6 year old and 4 year old. They believe I should use a much more punitive approach. And they blatantly disrespect my boundaries. They tell me I should punish my child when my child's in earshot. And they mock me when I, as they say, do nothing in response to their, quote, bad behavior.

First thing I think of is 30 or 40 years ago when they were parenting, things were different. So we have to acknowledge that what they're saying has value. They have kids who are thriving and married with children. And so their perspective is true for Them, it is not true for you because you experienced a lot of what they're talking about and you know better. Sometimes we have to allow people to be wrong or even not appropriate for us when they say these things. We must remember that they are talking about something that worked for them, that does not work for us. And we do not have to take that as something we should try to be like or something that we need to change. It is not personal. They are simply trying to validate their way of parenting. And because you're showing them something different that is probably challenging. It is probably making them think about some of the choices that they made. I often find that with humans, if I say, oh no, I no longer eat, I don't know, peanut butter, people would say, well, why don't you eat peanut butter? Peanut butter is really good. Because when people are doing things that are different from us, it makes us think about what we're doing or what we did. It is not personal. It is a natural reaction to differences. Once we develop that understanding, I think we have to move towards letting them know it's not okay to correct you in front of your child each and every time they correct you. Saying it once will not be enough. Letting it slide is not a good idea. You have to say, pull them to the side, hey, I'm in the midst of parenting. I am aware that you do not agree with this process. However, as I am parenting in my unique way, please do not make comments that under mind my parenting and impact my relationship with my child. Say it over and over until they get it. If you get to a point of, oh my gosh, I've said this so much and they're not listening, I think that's when you start to think about their presence, right? How much do we want our children to be around someone who is constantly undermining things? As I have always set boundaries with them, sometimes we just aren't setting the boundary and we just want them to up set, stop. We have to be very clear consistently about what those boundaries are and most of the time it will stop.

I think that's amazing guidance and there's a couple things I want to highlight. I love that you started your response, Nedra, by speaking to how important it is for the boundary setter to kind of acknowledge whether it's verbally or just in their own mind that this other person has an opinion. And yeah, I don't have to agree with it, but it's valid for them. Like that is their opinion. It came from somewhere. I actually find that When I speak to that difference, or kind of when I see it. Right. I know you parented in a different way. I know you were doing the best that you could do with the information you had available. And in that way, me and you are actually very similar. Even though it looks like something different on the surface. Right. Something like that. I actually find it's easier for me to kind of set and hold boundaries, and it's more likely someone else also will kind of respect that boundary. Because now my boundary doesn't feel to them like an indictment on their character. Because I've kind of said, yeah, like, I don't think you're a horrible, awful person. But if I don't say that, then every time I say, you know, some version of, I need you not to criticize my parenting in front of my kid, I think I'm saying that. But probably my in law is hearing you think I'm a horrible person who messed up my kids.

Right.

And then, of course, they're gonna rail against that. So actually having some kind of generous interpretation of someone else's behavior, I actually think it helps hold boundaries because then we can kind of put up that wall or that rule and we can be aligned kind of on the same team about it.

Yeah. It's. It's important to not assume that people will stop doing things without us telling them to stop. Literally saying, stop this.

Yeah. And what you said also once isn't enough. And it's not because everyone is awful. But, you know, for all of us, habits are hard to shift. Right. And I don't think any of us have ever shifted a habit in a single intervention and same thing. Right, Right. To kind of say, in order to really have this stop, I need to consistently show up and communicate kind of the same message over and over. And I think we can all take a deep breath and say, oh, I don't have the energy for that. That's so annoying. It is so annoying. Like, and it's already annoyed. You are already annoyed not saying anything. It's so true. Right. Because that resentment feeling. I often think resentment's a feeling I know in my life I have when I haven't set a boundary as consistently as I clearly needed to. And then instead of speaking up, I'm left with that awful, sinking feeling. And I. I hate resentment. I just find it, like, such a powerless, awful feeling. And it is one of the motivators for me to speak up. Cause sometimes I think if I don't say this thing, maybe in this case to my in law, I know the feeling I'm gonna have at night in my bed. I'm gonna be seething with resentment. I don't wanna have my night look like that. So it's worth the kind of discomfort of kind of speaking up now. So one more question about the in law thing, because this came up a lot too. So someone does speak up and then the in law in this situation kind of rolls their eyes. You're so sensitive. You and all this new age parenting, you know, get that kind of response. What then?

Your parenting is new age. To people who parented 40 years ago, what they did was new age. And what your children will do will be new age as well. We will continue using this term forever and ever. And sometimes when we challenge people, they have a response to it. We can let them know, hey, I understand you're upset. However, again, please don't say this in front of my children. Let's step in a separate room and talk about this. You can maybe certainly don't shut down their feelings because people are allowed to respond, but it is sometimes the place that they respond and the circumstances in which they're responding. So you can say, you know, that that has some value too. I understand that it's difficult to hear this new information, but we're always getting new information about many things that are improving. You know, if you have an iPhone 13, it is much better than the iPhone one. So things are constantly evolving. The way we do puzzles, the, you know, the places we can, all these things. And so sometimes reminding people that when times change, methods do too. And that's not necessarily a bad thing that a lot of this stuff that they did was based on research, what they knew. And a lot of things that you're doing, it's based on research and what you know, it's just that we're moving in a different direction based on our understanding of information.

So helpful. Okay, we're gonna move on. I told my 10 year old no iPad time. I then had to go to the bathroom. I come into his room to say it's time for dinner and he is sitting on his bed playing on his iPad. What do you do when you set a boundary and then your child crosses it?

Right away you learn the lesson. And when you say no iPad, you have to remove the iPad because it seems like that kid in particular has a hard time holding that bound. I think sometimes we will put it on the kid to say at 6:30 it's gonna be time for you to take your shower and get ready for bed. And at 6:40. We're like, why haven't they moved? We sometimes have to move them. We have to go to them and say, okay, it is 6:30 now, I'm gonna walk you upstairs. Because when I wanted to do things and I was a kid, I would conveniently forget that. My mother said, when the street lights come on, come to the porch. Unless you came and got me, I was going to be running up and down the street. But once you said, hey, Nedra, you know, it's time to come in the house, it's like, okay, she's awake. She's ready. You know, kids want to do kids stuff. They want to play video games. They want to be on iPads. They want to watch endless amounts of tv. And so if that is your boundary, you have to uphold it. And we will have to shift our methods as parents to. To help them develop some of those structures that we want them to have in the future, that sort of resistance. It can be really hard to say to someone when something is right there. You know, don't touch this iPad. I wonder what will happen if we just. Out of sight, out of mind. Perhaps the kid could go grab something else. And they can't reach it or find it. So that really sets them up for success.

I. I love what you just said. And a particular phrase you said that so kind of warms my heart is your kid had a hard time, right? And I. I think that sometimes when we set a boundary, especially with a kid, and we verbally do it, and then in this parent's words, my child crosses it right away. We have this tendency to interpret it through the lens of disrespect. Like, my child doesn't respect me. Where I'm pretty sure, Nedro, right. When you were a kid playing past the time your mom wanted you home, like, I can't imagine you're there playing with your friends, being like, oh, I do not respect my mom.

I'm so disrespecting her. Oh, yeah, right.

You're just in the zone. You're in your play zone, whatever you were doing. And I think we all right now, if you imagine something you are fully engaged in and then actually if it's even something on the screen, right? I don't know one person who has said they've never told themselves they were gonna be off their phone by X time at night and not found themselves on their phone like three hours later, right. That you're engaged in something. Maybe there's mindlessness to it, or maybe it's just you're Having a great time. You're really not in a place to inhibit the continuation of that activity. It's not that you don't respect the boundary you set or someone set for you. You just can't access it.

Right.

And I think that's so. Right. Especially when it comes to screens. Right. When our kids take the iPad, when we say no, when we tell a kid, turn off the TV after the show and, you know, we're busy doing something else and realize, wait a second, they're on the third episode, not the first. Our kid's not really crossing a boundary as much as maybe our kid is struggling to inhibit an urge. Right. Or our kid's just not developmentally in the place to have the mindfulness to stop themselves. And I think it requires what you were saying, this embodying of our authority. Like, if I'm going to say to my kid, no, iPad time tonight, I have to kind of embody my authority and maybe take that iPad away, put it on my shelf, put it somewhere they can't see it. And not because I think my kid's a bad kid, actually, because I think my kid's a good kid, and I want to help them with that kind of inhibition rather than set them up for failure.

And this is why I hide the candy in my house. Mostly so I.

From yourself or your kids, Mostly so.

I can eat it secretly, but also so they're not constantly like, can I have candy? Can I have candy? You don't even see the candy. And then I bring it out, and I'm like, hey, here's some candy. And they're really excited. But what happens when we have these things available that we don't want them to do all the time? They're going to move towards those. And I don't know if it's necessarily, like, their fault, their bad. They need to really figure out how to manage themselves as much as they are human with urges. And just like us, it is very hard to stick to limits when you don't want to.

Yeah. All right, here's another situation. I tell myself every single week that I'm going to have, quote, downtime. And yet we're already laughing, me and you, Right? And yet it gets to be the end of the week. I look back and I see my calendar was packed with a million things, and I feel totally depleted. How do I set boundaries to really take care of myself?

This is a good one. I hear this, and I immediately think, why is your downtime at the end of the week? Let's say you need uptime. So on Sunday, Monday, those are wonderful times to have that uptime. Because I posted something recently about the difference between self care and aftercare. And I think that downtime that we're trying to build in after we've done everything, it is aftercare and not self care. Self care is restorative, it's preventative. It's all about taking care of yourself on the front end and not the back end. When we are engaged in aftercare, it is very hard to take care of ourselves as a second or third thought to pencil that time in on Friday when we're already depleted. It can be easier to just add yourself at the beginning. You know that you'll need downtime at the end of the week. Why not start the week with what you need and then from there do your week. You know you're going to cheat something. Don't cheat yourself. Figure out some ways to really get into the practice of taking care of yourself. Because it's needed for all the other things. It's needed for you to be a parent. It's needed for you to be a wonderful worker. It is needed first and not as a reaction to all of these other things happening.

I have some kind of, I think maybe thoughts to extend that or just to add a different element to it. You know, I was talking to a coworker of mine recently about how we schedule meetings, right? We're talking about our calendars because we both work at good inside, full time and we both have many kids who we also want to spend time with. And you know, it's a lot. And it was really interesting to go about this. We were talking about how we have meeting requests a lot and she was saying, well, I'm free, so I have that meeting and I don't schedule my time that way. Like I don't schedule meetings based on what my calendar tells me. If I have a meeting, I'll go. That's not what I mean. But if my calendar quote tells me I'm free, but my body says that's just not an ideal time for a meeting, I don't offer that time to someone because Gmail is not the ultimate decider of my life, right? And it was really an interesting conversation. And so for this parent and everyone else who finds themselves thinking my calendar just books up, I wonder how often it books up because in theory your calendar kind of tells you you're free even though you don't want to be free or you, you, you don't want to be free for that meeting. You want to maybe be free to sit on the couch, right? And as a starting point, given our calendars do kind of dictate so much of our lives, I feel like a great first thing is just for everyone to go to their calendar right now and to actually block out time. I used to do this when I had a harder time doing this. I literally would write still time and I'd make myself be still, literally. And it was so unenjoyable for like a year. I, like, was crawling out of my skin with, like, the urge for productivity and plans. But I would make myself. I mean, I wouldn't, like, lay just on the bed. I'd, like, read or maybe I'd like watch a TV show in the middle of the day, which felt so wrong for some reason until it felt so right, you know, But I would really schedule it in. And it gave me kind of a different way of looking at my calendar to the point now where I don't feel like I need to block it out in the exact same way to now realize my calendar. And what it's telling me is really only one part of kind of my decision making about what I do with my time.

Absolutely. We should remember that we are managing our calendars the way that I heard that. It's almost as if the calendar is managing us and creating those spaces to do nothing, to read a book, to watch a TV show is very important for your mental development and growth. And we don't take advantage of downtime enough. It is important to just block that time off. I do it all the time. I have huge chunks on my schedule of doing nothing and to make it concrete for everyone.

Because, Nedra, one of the things I love about so many of your posts also is you help people with the words. Because some people, they want to do it, and having someone else's words or scripts, it helps them kind of start that process. And some words I will use or just I'm not available, then that time doesn't work for me. Oh, those times don't work. How about this instead, right? And maybe as soon as I say it, it seems obvious, right? Like, no one else is staring at my calendar. Or even if someone was, I'd feel comfortable saying, that time doesn't work for me. And if they said, oh, it looks like it does, I would say, no, I know I need to use that time for something else. I mean, that's it, right? Nobody knows how you need to use your time other than you. And empowering yourself with that can really change the structure of Our week.

And when we really don't want to do something, it's important that we're really clear that we don't want to do it. And we're not misleading and saying, oh, that doesn't work for me this week, or let me look at my schedule. Sometimes we do have to say, I have a lot going on right now and I'm not willing to take on another project. I'm in the middle of something and I don't have a wait list. I don't have any idea of when I'll be available. Thank you for considering me, but I cannot do it.

I love that. And period. Like, yes, that's allowed. And I think it goes back to the beginning of. The reason that's so hard is usually because we go into. But what if. And then we have a set of someone's reactions, right? Or maybe we notice that urge to control, but someone else might be mad and just saying to yourself, oh, there I go, using someone else's feelings, potential feelings. Who knows about my decision is the data I'm using to change my decision. What if the data I really use to make my decision is the data inside of me saying, I don't ever want to have a meeting with this person. Like, I know that that's the case, or I don't want to have it now, Right? And then what if I trust myself to learn how to kind of manage what happens next? Right? And when you do that, it's so hard to make that shift. And it has to happen kind of just one small moment at a time. But that resentment really goes down, and feeling like you're acting in a way that's actually in accordance with your wants and needs goes up. And that can feel really, really liberating. Right? Okay, I have a final question. Why is saying no to other people so hard? And is there anything I can do to start to get a little bit better at it?

One of the reasons that it's really hard is because we're thinking about how we feel when we're told no. No is just not an easy word for us to say or for us to accept from others. And we know that when someone doesn't want to come to our party or when someone is saying, no, I cannot help you, or no, I will not be available, we feel something and we are trying to prevent this for other people, which is super nice, you know, oh, kudos to us being compassionate, to thinking of other people. This is amazing. However, we cannot exist in a world without saying no and receiving no I remember years ago. I can't remember when, but there was this whole movement around not saying no to kids. And you had to say all this other stuff.

The creative. Yes, that was part of the creative.

Yeah. Okay. Is that what it was called? I didn't have kids at the time, so I don't. I don't even remember, but it was. You know, these parents would come to me in therapy, and I'm like, just tell them no. But I'm trying to just say no to them. Like, the world will tell them no. Like, people aren't at work thinking, how do I say a creative? It's like, no, I cannot help you with this. We have to build some tolerance around accepting no. I think it does get easier when we start to understand that this is the natural order of things. I say no, someone says no to me. Like, this is what happens. It is the circle of life. When we are trying to say yes to everything. We are now making people believe that, oh, people say yes to you all the time. This is not true. People say no. I love an enthusiastic yes. For the person who typically says, oh, I usually wouldn't do this with people when they say yes to me, I'm like, yes. They really mean it. They're passionate. This is what they want to do. I want to be in relationships and in connection with people who are enthusiastic with the yes. Enthusiastic about the connection. I don't want a bitter yes. I don't want a resentful yes. I don't want to. Okay, I want yes. I want. You know, like, that's what I want. And I think that's what we all want. And when we show up to things with a half no Energy or 25% yes, and we've committed to it, it shows in our delivery. It shows in our delivery of the service, of the information, of the connection. People can tell when you've barely said yes. Just, you know, you just have a slither of okay, yes. You know, it's like, can we say yes when we really mean it? When we want to do things? Can we use it as a way to operate in our gifts and say no when we really don't want to do things? It is so authentic to be able to say yes and no appropriately and according to who we are and what we want.

So powerful. You know, when I first heard this question, and of course, I think we both probably hear this question a lot, the first thing that came to mind for me was when we say no to someone, I think what we're really saying Is you want something of me, and I want something different for myself. That's what we're saying. And if I think about why no is hard for so many of us, and I think it's hard to cross gender lines, I think I hear a lot from women, and I think, you know, I think so many of us women were raised to be kind of like, good girls. There was, like, an easiness of that role. And being a good girl or being good right in quotes is really saying, what do you want of me? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I want that for myself, too. How amazing is that? Whatever you want of me, I want for myself. It's convenience. And I do think so many of our struggles to say no came from the lessons we learned early on that are kind of our best chance to be kind of valued by people and get along with people and to have people want to be around us was by paying attention to what people want of us and then aligning ourselves accordingly. Kind of there's a plasticity. I'm just gonna. Yep, I'll get into that lane. And it's a pretty new thing. The no is really representative of, like, I know what I want for myself, and I think I'm worthy of in this moment, making that a greater value than what you want of me. And I love to give people super concrete things to do right away. But on this one, if no is really hard for you, like, I feel like sometimes we just gotta call a spade a spade. Like, there's nothing I'm saying, or Nedra's gonna say right now. They're gonna be like, oh, my goodness. That was the. The little thing. Now my whole life's changed. I do think the starting point is saying what was no like for me in the earliest years of my life. And maybe it was the word no, or maybe it was just, what was it like in my family when I really had a strong want or need for myself that was relatively inconvenient in the family system. You know, my whole family, you know, loved basketball, and I was the one who hate basketball. Or I, you know, was the one who had big tantrums in a family that is, like, pretty, you know, emotionally stoic. And what was it like for me to really have wants and needs that were different? And then probably what did I learn accordingly? And I think that's a really important thing to go through. And then because I do have a hard time leaving things, you know, kind of more nebulous, telling yourself, like, not when you're ready to say no, because that's too kind of. You're too activated. But just even right now, like, my wants and needs matter. My wants and needs are valuable. Even in the moments when someone else's wants and needs of me are contradictory, you know, my wants and needs matter. If you start crying when you kind of tell yourself that in the mirror, that's totally normal, I think it's a sign that something some, you know, young part of us has been waiting to hear forever. But we all know the word no. The reason it's hard to access is because of those, I think deeper, deeper attachment lessons. Such a heavy note to end on. I feel like we have to do.

Something that is a heavy note. We can leave with a song.

Oh, yeah.

Let'S close out on a song. Do you know any tunes from Frozen?

I'm more in the encanto place these days then. And you do not want to hear my Let it goness. Trust me. It's too many octaves. But what we will end with, actually, like, I'm gonna ask you to give a takeaway. I'm gonna give the second, and I'm gonna defer to you on the third. If someone's thinking, okay, three things I'm gonna walk away with probably maybe just one of them at a time. What's the first thing?

Self care is preventative. It is not something that you do after taking care of everyone. After unloading your schedule. It is something you do on the front end.

Love that. Okay, two, we can't set boundaries and control someone's reaction to those boundaries. We have to set boundaries and learn how to tolerate the feelings we have and other people have as a result. Back to you.

People's opinions are based on their perspective and we cannot deny their perspective. We have to honor that and accept those differences while setting boundaries.

Amazing. Tell people where they can find more of you and how they can kind of learn about some of the things you teach.

Yes. So I have a book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. I have a workbook, the Set Boundaries Workbook. It's available everywhere books are sold. I am on Instagram nedratowab and to find out more about me, you can Visit my website, nedratowab.com Nedra, thank you.

So much for being here and for really setting aside time to share so many of your ideas. I can't wait for another conversation with you.

Same.

Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcastmail.com there are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many Good Inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about Good Inside membership. I promise you it's totally game changing and follow me on Instagram and Facebook rbecky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self care ideas. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky, if you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.