Sore Losing and What to Do About It

You're listening to good inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good inside. This episode is a really good one because it's on a topic that's kind of specific but also really, really common. Sportsmanship feelings about losing, cheating. Right. These are all, I think, kind of cringe worthy moments as a parent. Right. Even if you recognize your own competitive spirit, watching your child not be a good sport, watching them cheat in a game, watching them have a meltdown when they lose, it can be really triggering. In this episode, I promise you're gonna get so many strategies that are different from ones you've heard before and that you will be able to put into action with your kids. Let's jump in. Let's hear from our first caller, Megan.

Hi, my name is Megan. I live in Oregon and My child is 9. And my question is he is very competitive, particularly when it comes to sports. He's all about the score. It's all about the score and he's to about winning and if he wins, it doesn't matter anything else that happens, it's a great day and if he loses, same. So we try to talk about sportsmanship and recognizing things other than the score and he just seems like he doesn't care about any of that and kind of blows us off or even gets frustrated when we try to bring up other things other than score. So I'm not sure how to instill better sportsmanship in playing sports, sports and things like that.

Hi Megan, thank you so much for calling in with something I hear over and over and over again from parents in my practice on Instagram. Definitely a big topic of conversation inside the membership. It's really, really common for kids to be obsessed with winning and then as parents to really struggle. Watching this, we know kind of what we wish for our kid. Oh, okay. Be competitive and into winning, but also see the nuance and it can even be triggering and that's not happening. So I want to talk about two big ideas and then I'm going to translate those ideas into an actionable strategy. Okay, first things first. We all. Me too. We can get so focused on changing a kid's behavior that we really forget to kind of learn about what this behavior or tendency is doing for a child, right? So here's an example. In adulthood, let's say you and a partner, you and a friend, you're celebrating some type of anniversary together, and you're insisting that you go to a certain kind of classic, you've been there a million times Italian restaurant to celebrate this anniversary. And your partner's just kind of going at the conversation from a perspective of, no, that doesn't make any sense. Why would we go there? It's not a special restaurant. And I think we should go to this new Korean restaurant. It's so cool, and it's gotten great reviews, and you're going, going back and forth, and you're just stuck in conflict. Now imagine your partner saying to you, wait, wait, wait a second. There must be a reason you want to go to that restaurant. There must be something important about that Italian restaurant. That's why you keep insisting on going there. Tell me more about that. It's a totally different energy in the conversation. And I promise you, I'll relate this back to sportsmanship and winning. So stay with me. Because if you have a partner who then listens as you talk about, oh, actually, I didn't even realize why I'm obsessed with that restaurant. Actually, it's where we had our first date. Or I remember walking by it one day and thinking of us going there together. Well, now the whole mood shifts, and it relates to this kind of big idea. We are all more attached to feeling seen than we are to getting the exact thing we want. And there's a paradox there. The more someone understands us, the less attached we are to any specific behavior. But when someone doesn't understand us and when we don't even understand ourselves, we are obsessed with a certain behavior because it represents the larger picture. What does that mean? We need to help your son understand what he loves about winning before he can even entertain sportsmanship or something else. We actually need to learn more about winning. Well, that relates to a second idea. We often want to teach principles to our kids, right? We want to teach them about sportsmanship, right? We think about teaching them through our logic. Well, it's nice to get along with other people. And in our family, we really care about how we treat others. Now, there's nothing wrong with those conversations. In fact, those conversations are important. To have. And yet they're limited. Why? Because we're only appealing to a child's brain, and we actually change from inside our bodies by building different circuitry. And how does that happen? Not by teaching kids what to think, but by teaching them how to think. And how do we teach them how to think? Well, it's a little bit unfulfilling at first, but then I think we see the power of this idea. We teach them how to think by activating curiosity and by asking them questions without actually caring that much about what they say in response. But just knowing that these questions. Questions activate a thought process in them, and then they start to think about that topic differently as well. Let's bring those big ideas together, and I'll model how to do this with your son instead of, hey, winning doesn't matter so much. You're obsessed with winning. How about this? How about this? That's convincing mode. Let's go to activating curiosity mode and learning more mode. What does it feel like to win? Like, does it feel really good? Or like, really, really, really, really, really, really, really good? Right. With a younger kid, I might say, does it feel like this good? And for those of you who are listening without seeing me, I'm holding my hands a little bit apart, and then I'm going to hold them wider apart, or does it feel this good? Oh, wow. It feels that good. Okay. Does it feel as good as, like, a double scoop of ice cream with 20 different topics on it? Or does it feel as good as getting 100 on a math test? Does it feel as good as you kind of, like, conquered some huge problem that you didn't think you'd be able to figure out? Oh. Huh? Okay, wait. I have a kind of weird question. Does it ever feel like you're, like, a better person when you win than when you lose? Like, oh, I feel so powerful when I win. Huh. Interesting. Okay, wait. One more tricky question. If you're playing soccer and you win by one goal, does that feel the same kind of good as if you win by Akles? Okay, wait. Another version of that question. What if you were the one who scored that winning goal? When you win by one goal versus your team wins by eight goals, even 30 goals, but you didn't score, which would feel that good? Winning feeling? Okay, what am I doing here? Because the specific questions don't actually matter as much as number one, I'm entering into my child's world. Instead of convincing them not to care about winning, I'm trying to actually understand more about why they care about winning. Number two, I'm adding nuance not by teaching them through logic, but kind of through Socratic questioning. And what I'm doing there is kind of where the impact is at. We are changing the circuitry of a child's body by literally opening up their mind, which doesn't come from convincing, it doesn't come from telling them something. It actually comes from connecting to where they're at and wondering about things together. I have a bunch of other things to share with you that will come up later in this episode. So Megan, stay with us and I think you'll get a lot of value from some of the other strategies I talk about in a little bit. And now our second caller, Jasmine.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Jasmine and I live in Milford, New Hampshire. I have a 5 year old, soon to be 6 year old son and I just had some questions. I'm currently dealing with a child that doesn't like to lose and I do not know how to deal with this. I don't have the right strategies for this at all. He doesn't like to lose in board games, in sports, or even running to the front door. He cries. He used to throw his tantrum but he's gotten over that. But he still gets really, really bummed out. It's gone to the point where I've caught him cheating. It's really obvious. He cheats all the time and I don't like it. I don't want to yell at him and I don't know how to deal with this because like, what if this is a good thing? That he likes to win or is it a bad thing? I'm not quite sure. I'm very confused and I've looked everywhere on how to deal with a five year old that doesn't like to lose. If you have any help on this situation, please let me know what your best advice is.

Hi Jasmine, first of all, thank you for sharing all this with me and I definitely have ideas and I'm just grateful to you for calling in because I know so many listeners are thinking that is my kid too. Oh my goodness, that is totally my kid. You are not alone. A couple things. Number one, I don't like to lose. I just, I want to say that I really don't like to lose. I don't like to lose at anything. In fact, most people don't like to lose. And, and that's useful to remember because it can help us frame what our objective is. Our objective isn't to have a kid feel the same about winning and losing. An objective is to help a kid tolerate losing or tolerate the idea that they might lose. Right. Because that's usually the thing that's intolerable, that leads to cheating. And just remind yourself of that. My kid doesn't have to like losing. I want my kid to tolerate the feelings involved in losing. Just tolerate it. The other thing I'd say is, let's try to get out of the is it a good thing that they like to win, or is it a bad thing that they like to win? I feel like anytime we're trying to describe something as one way or the other, we're probably missing nuance. Right? And I think some of the nuance is, okay, my kid's motivated by winning is what it is. That means my child probably needs a little more help tolerating losing. Okay, I'm the parent. I'm gonna figure out how to help them build that skill. So let's go over how to do that. Number one, mgi. What's mgi? One of my favorite acronyms. Most Generous Interpretation. It's the opposite of lgi, the Least Generous Interpretation. What's my least generous interpretation of my child's struggle to lose and cheating? They're trying to manipulate me. They're trying to pull one over me. For most of us, me too. Least generous interpretation comes up much more naturally than most generous interpretation. So just note it when it happens. You know, you're in least generous interpretation mode when you feel angry and antagonistic toward a child because it shows you're looking at them as the enemy. When you're in MGI mode, you actually kind of empathize with your kid and think about how to help them. What's the MGI here? Wow, it must feel so bad to lose. It actually must feel worse than bad. It must feel kind of identity destroying because my child actually seeks to change reality. That's what cheating is. My child goes to change reality rather than tolerate the feelings of losing. That doesn't make my child a bad kid. That makes my child a very vulnerable kid. My child is actually experiencing a lot of fragility around playing games that have a winner. I know when I think about it that way, I. I really soften toward my child. And I hope we all take a moment right now to see that vulnerability, not the manipulation. Okay, what next after you have the mgi? Emotional vaccination. We have to help our kids get ready for any difficult emotion they're going to have because emotions are hard enough to cope with that. If you're Then surprised by them. That just makes it impossible for all of us. So here's what I do. Before you play a game, let's say you're sitting down to play. Sorry. Or one of my favorite games, Quirkle. I might say this to my child. You know what I'm thinking about? Someone is gonna win, and someone is gonna lose. Raise your hand if you'd rather win. Right? Kind of some playfulness. I'd raise my hand. Definitely me. I really hope I win. And then I just model this and kind of emotionally vaccinate for the difficult moment ahead. Okay, I'm gonna get my body ready just in case I'm the one who loses this game. Okay. Becky. I'm the same good, smart person whether I win or lose. I'm the same good, smart person whether I win or lose. Okay, one more breath. Okay. I think I'm now ready to play. I wouldn't turn to my child and say, you say that. Now you get ready, too. Your modeling is more than enough, and it removes any shame from the situation, which means your child can actually absorb what you're saying and learn. I go a step further. So I'm playing Quirkle, which is a game where you kind of pull certain tiles out of a bag. I might say this. Oh, you know what? I kind of wanted to look into the bag and pull out the piece I needed. I was about to do that, you know, because I really wanted to win. Wait, let me just. Wait a second. I'm the same smart person whether I win or lose, every time I model the same urge and how to cope with it. I am helping my child learn to cope with the feelings that they have not learned yet to cope with. That is why they end up cheating or being not such a good sport. What else would I do? Well, I'd work on this outside the moment. I might tell a story to my child of cheating. You know, when I was your age, you don't even want to know what I did. Oh, my goodness. You don't even want to know. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm going to tell you, but okay, I'm going to tell you. It's hard to say. I used to pretend I rolled a five sometimes in certain games, when I really rolled a one. I know. It just was hard to get that one when I wanted the five. And I figured it out over time. Every time we deshame a struggle a kid is having through sharing an experience of our own, we actually help that child cope with it because they feel less alone. All of these strategies are very different than saying to our kid, no cheating. Okay, no cheating. But I promise you they are at the core of building the skills your kid actually needs to have a change in their behavior. One more thing, Jasmine. I also want you to feel like in your back pocket you have words where you tell your child you're not going to play that game anymore. Because the kind of cheating, even if we understand it, feels so egregious that it just doesn't feel authentic to you. To continue, I want to give you an example of kind of some words that I don't think would be very effective in helping your child build these skills versus words that I think, you know could be on that path of building skills. Here's what I wouldn't say to a child or would try not to say. I see you cheating. I see it. Tell me you're cheating and then I'll keep going. Okay, you're not okay. You're lying to me. Forget it. To me. I can come up with those words easily because I've said them myself, but I know if they were directed at me, it's just shame and shutting down versus words like I won't play if we don't use the game rules. I know losing stinks. I know it feels really, really awful. And also I notice if someone's not using the game rules, I'm not gonna keep playing. We'll figure it out. We can play another time. I don't get into kind of an accusation. I don't make my child admit something in that moment where clearly it's probably too hot to handle anyway. I just assert my bo. My child probably won't be happy with me. But that boundary for you, that's an important thing that you need to know you can set. And then what I would do outside that moment is follow up with all the other strategies we talked about. Let's hear from our final caller, Bethany.

Hi, my name is Bethany. I live in New Jersey. We have one daughter, she's eight and her name is Maddie. And we've been having recur situations with Maddie when she's involved in sports and seems to really like the actual activity, the sport, but shuts down if there's an element which involves scorekeeping or winning or losing or where she might not fully understand every single rule. And so like the most recent example, she's played tennis for years and loves to rally back and forth. But when we signed her up for this clinic with more elements of the actual game, you know, she shut down with tears and made me promise never to take her back again. So my question on praise is, you know, we praise her all the time for her effort and her commitment to trying new things and try not to focus it on how well she actually does. But it seems to be a tricky line for us to walk, and I'm not sure if we set some sort of expectation that makes her even afraid to try, you know, if there's any chance that she might not win. And it's hard to see her kind of holding herself to higher expectations that are really there and which do seem to be limiting her. So any help or advice would be amazing.

Oh, Bethany, I wish you could see my face as I was listening to your voicemail. It just hit home, like. Exactly. And made me think of my own daughter who's gone through something so similar, not in tennis, but with other things. And here's the big idea. I think that's similar with both of our kids. There are a lot of kids who are physically and athletically ready for games or team sports before they're emotionally ready for games and team sports. Right. They have the physical skills, but who's winning, who's losing, who's following the rules, the pressure, even if it's not explicitly from you, it's just inherent. It's just too overwhelming. Right? So this was exactly my daughter. She would love to run around and, you know, be with her friends and be outside, but as soon as there was like a tag game in gym class or at a birthday party, she was out. She's. I'm not doing that right. Being out, being tagged, the emotions of that, the vulnerability to, am I doing it right? She refused. And my approach was kind of, she's not ready for that. I know she'll get there, and I trust kind of her own process. And now she's seven and she doesn't love tag games, but she definitely engages in them way more often. Right. So sometimes it's not her thing, but sometimes it is her thing. And she can manage kind of those game team sports situations in a way she really couldn't a couple years ago. Now, for everyone listening, there's nothing magic about the age seven, Right. But just thinking about a kid's arc that they might be ready for something from a skills perspective. Oh, they can hit the tennis ball over the net, but they might need a little bit longer to manage the emotions. So a couple kind of strategies, I guess, around that idea. It's okay to let kids wait before they do team sports or play games. Right. If they've developed tennis skills, and then their friends are in a clinic. It's okay if they're not ready yet. And just remind yourself that, like, it's okay, it doesn't mean anything about what she will or won't be ready for next year. Second idea, lead with understanding, not changing. And ironically, the more we all feel understood, the more we're all willing to take a kind of little risk or two. So words like there's something about the clinic that doesn't feel great to you. I believe you. Huh? Playing tennis with me feels good. Playing tennis at a clinic doesn't feel so good yet. Is that right? You're not so sure about playing that game. Tell me more about it. Oh. What feels really bad about being in that clinic or what could happen that would just feel, ooh, so tricky. All of these kind of interventions. Basic kind of simple communications. Just kind of say to your kid, you have a reason for doing and feeling the way you do, and I'm here for you. Right. I also think with our kids who are hesitant about something, holding in mind that they may kind of develop out of that is really important. That's different than you have to do it next week. But, huh, Today the clinic doesn't feel good. I might feel differently next month, right? Oh, today the clinic doesn't feel great to you? You know what? They have another start date for the clinic in a couple months. Why don't we just check in then? I have a feeling you may feel differently about it at that point. Now, of course, our kid might not, but being able to recognize your child's reality today and hold an arc for them around their growth is really important. Right. Our kids are always taking in kind of the reflection of who they are through our gaze. Right. We're kind of their mirror. And if we can kind of hold on to this idea of their growth, they're more likely to have movement as well. Thank you, Megan, Jasmine, and Bethany, for calling in and sharing what's happening in your home. Let's tie this all together with three main takeaways. One, it's okay if your child doesn't like to lose. In fact, tell your child that today, you know, it's really okay that you don't like losing. Maybe add I don't like losing either. Together, let's both get better at tolerating and dealing with losing. Okay? We can do this if we work on it together. Two, lead with understanding, not changing. We have to understand what's important about a behavior or what a behavior kind of does for a child before we can help a child release that behavior and move to something else. 3. Share your experiences of being a sore loser or of cheating when you were a kid, or of having the urge to cheat, or of having a meltdown at a soccer game. These experiences, they really help a child be open to learning the skills they need to learn. Yes, we want to help our kids learn the skills to tolerate losing, but no one can learn skills when they're feeling alone and ashamed. And the best way to deshame any situation with the child is to be open about your experiences of something very similar. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcastmail.com There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many Good Inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about Good Inside membership. I promise you it's totally game changing and follow me on Instagram and Facebook. Dr. Beckyoodinside for a daily dose of parenting and stuff. Self care ideas good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belsky and me. Dr. Becky, if you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.