Talking Disrespect with Myleik Teele

Foreign. And this is good inside. Myleak is back. This week, we are going to be listening to your voicemails about disrespect and how it shows up in your house. Cannot wait to answer your questions. We'll be back after this. Hi, Mailec.

Hello, Dr. Becky.

We are back. We are back.

We are.

And I want to kind of get right into it because we have a bunch of voicemails from real parents who want to talk about the topic of disrespect situations with their kids when. Where kind of their first thought is, how disrespectful. My kid doesn't respect me. You have to respect me. What is wrong with you? I would have never done that to my parents. You get it?

Yep, I get it.

All right. Should we just jump in here from the first person and then we'll go from there?

Yes, let's do it. Let's hear it.

Let's do it. Okay.

Hi, Dr. Becky and Mailek. I have a four and a half year old son, and we have my parents in town live close enough to us to actually support with child care regularly. My dad in particular. We've run into a few instances where when he's playing with my son, something will happen and my son will get frustrated and say something like, I don't like you or go away. I don't want to play with you. And I immediately see in the way that my dad reacts how disrespectful he feels like my son is being toward him. And I usually step in in those moments and focus on my son who's having a hard time. But I always feel a little bit like I'm struggling to respond to my dad as well, because I think he's feeling like he's been disrespected and I don't care or something. You know, I want to help my child get better in those moments, but I also want my dad to feel like I care about how he's being treated in my home as well. So curious what your thoughts are on just how to balance that and how to do it a little bit better. Thank you.

Yeah. I think the first thing that comes up for me is, like, respect in the actual definition. Like, when someone is saying, you know, because I've been in the same situation. When she said her dad, I'm like, oh, it's like, what do we mean when we say being like our kids respecting us?

What does it mean for you? Or what do you. What do you think people mean by it, too?

So what I think Old me, You know, it's like, you should always say kind things to me, especially in front of other people. You know, it's like, I don't know. I feel like you need to be kind to me, not say anything that challenges my authority in this dynamic or relationship. And so, you know, when I hear, like, when you've got your dad and as a, you know, having a kid, a four and a half year old, and then you got your dad, like, I have felt that prickly feeling of, like, I want my dad to feel honored, you know, And I also want to make sure that my kid doesn't feel, like, beat up in this moment.

Yeah. You know, an image came to mind when you were talking about, like, what does respect mean? And I struggle with the word. Like, I actually. I love to define words, and. And I feel like I often think, like, here's how I would define this word respect. I actually. I don't know what I'd say, and I don't know. To me, that also just means there's something really tricky and almost conflictual about it if I can't come up with something that feels straightforward. Because when I visualize what we mean by, like, do you respect your grandfather or do you respect me? Like, to me, I imagine, like, my hands apart and, like, narrowing, like, respect would mean a pretty narrow range of behavior. Okay, Right. Like, respectful behavior. Be like, oh, yes, I will play with you, grandfather. Thank you so much for coming. And yet, when I think about that, like, that doesn't really resonate with my heart. Like, is that. I don't know, like, is that really what respect feels like? Maybe it's like, the difference between how it looks on the outside and how it. How it feels. And part of me feels like, respect, kid to adult or kid, you know, I don't know. It feels so. It almost doesn't feel like in the range of things kids are, like, consciously thinking about.

Yep.

I don't know if it feels like with my kids, that doesn't mean they're disrespectful. I just. I feel like there's something very sophisticated about that word. I don't know.

Yeah, there's a. I feel like in situations like that, there's, like, this elder honoring that needs to happen, where I feel like a lot of us is like, no matter what this elder person does or says, they should always be. They get passes. They, you know, they can blow through all the stuff, all the hugs. You know, it's like, this is an elder. They can do that. And so I don't know.

Yeah. So, okay, so if we think about this example, right? This kid is saying to his grandpa, I don't like you. Go away. You're. I don't want to play with you. Right?

Yeah.

And we worry like, is my father gonna feel like, oh, my kid is so disrespectful? Is it like, oh, I don't feel respected here? And then I think this question is a really good one, which is how can we attend to whatever's going on with our kid and then how and when and in what way might we also attend to what's going on to our father?

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think there's a right way. But first of all, I do not think that a four year old says to a grandfather, I don't wanna play with you. Because their core experience is, you know what? I don't respect my grandfather. And so I'm just gonna kind of tell him off. Like, I don't think that's a kid's lived experience. I think in some ways it's much simpler than that. Not to say it's not hurtful to an adult. Okay. But I think this kid's lived experience is probably like, hey, I'm playing with my friend over here. I was kind of building this tower by myself and they just haven't yet. And here's that yet word fig. How to communicate that in a way that not only is respectful, just is almost more like socially appropriate.

Right.

I think, but that makes sense. Cause they're four.

Right?

Right. I think that's it. Socially appropriate. They're not there yet. And so I don't like you is actually what I don't like you is.

A way of saying, I think I am busy in my own world. I have not yet figured out how to honor that feeling in me and communicate it effectively and respectfully with you. And so it's just coming out in its most raw form.

Yes. Right.

Where if we're an adult and someone says, right, like, Miley, me and you, we get along okay. And be like, hey, Becky, I'm gonna be in New York next week. Are you available for breakfast? I don't know. On Tuesday morning. And for whatever reason, I couldn't. Right. Like you would want me to communicate that respectfully. Like, oh man, I'm so. I'm so glad you asked me. And I can't believe I can't do it. Even though you're. I would love to. Here's why I can't. Okay. Like, that has Taken a while to develop.

Right, right.

Where if I was 4, I might be like, you know, nah, I can't do breakfast.

And you'd be like, oh, right, I'm flying all the way to New York.

Right?

Yeah.

And so I think what, you know, what's really important as a framework with kids is as soon as we say my kid's communicating this way with me or their grandfather because they don't respect. Respect them, we just don't like our kid. We don't like our kid. We get mad at our kid, ironically, we reinforce that they're a bad kid. We also totally get in their way of building that skill that I've developed at age 40 of, okay, let me figure out what's going on with me and communicate effectively and respectfully with an adult. And so if we want our kids to get there, we have to a little bit take a moment and kind of think about how to be most effective instead of most reactive.

Okay. What would you say to her? What could she say to her dad, though? Because I know.

Yeah, no, and I do think there could be a place for that, you know, and so let's see. Let's play this out. Let's say it's all in the same room. I might look in my. You know, my son and say, whoa, you really want to build that tower by yourself right now? Okay. You're allowed to do that. And then maybe I'd say, if it felt right, hey, I wonder if there's a different way you can tell your grandfather that. And then maybe a kid. Maybe a kid does because they actually feel like there's generosity. Or I hear a listener being like. But then my kid would just say, go away. I don't wanna play with you. Fine. And then I'd say, okay, you know what? You know what, sweetie? Here's a different way of saying it. Thank you so much for driving here and visiting me. You know, I really just wanna figure out how to finish this part of the tower, and then maybe we can do something else together. Like, I would just model it, and then maybe I'd find my dad later on the side and just say, ugh. Like, I know we both know he's four, but also, I also know, like, it just stinks to hear things like that. I'm sorry it came out that way. We're working on helping him communicate in a more effective, respectful way. And we also know it'll probably just take a little bit to develop. Thanks for bearing with us.

I love that. And I like that you didn't talk to your son and dad all in the same room. I think that's a helpful tip for us. Of, like, because I have felt those eyes burning. And, like, I need to say something now or I should say something now, but I think outside of the moment, outside of the room, not with my kid there.

I think that's right. I think a little bit of like, hey, dad, can you come with me and we'll get a glass of water? You know, like, just like a little distraction.

Okay.

Right.

Yeah.

And in a way, like, no one's being thrown under the bus. My kid's not a bad kid. I'm also not mad at my dad if he has hurt feelings. I'm kind of, like, preserving everybody's goodness. I'm seeing the reality of both people, and that usually ends up feeling better to people.

I think so, too. That's helpful.

All right, let's jump into another voicemail.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Elizabeth, and I am a recovering people pleaser who would never have dreamed of doing something to make an adult upset with me as a child. Now I have two boys, 7 and 3 years old. My oldest is a deeply feeling kid, and despite the efforts my husband and I have put into acknowledging his tough feelings and giving him the tools he needs, we really struggle with how to react when he's being disrespectful. For, for example, if we or his brother do something he doesn't like, he'll make threats like, well, I'll just hit you. Even though he usually doesn't follow through. Or if we tell him he's not going to get to do something, he'll say, I'm just gonna do it anyway. The hardest for us, though, is the disrespect toward his little brother, who he'll call stupid. When he does something he doesn't like. My spouse and I don't treat each other or the kids like this. And while we try to reinforce the idea, I won't let you make threats or I won't let you call people unkind names, I find that I struggle because I can't actually stop what comes out of his mouth.

I am so with this caller of, like, I just wanna, how do I stop these things? And where are you getting this from if I'm not talking to you like this?

I know when I heard that, my first reaction was like, next voicemail. It's a hard one, but it is. And I should say too. You know, I am in this boat sometimes, and my kids, too. My kids say things I'M like, I've never said this to you. And so, number one, kids say awful words. They do. It doesn't mean you caused it. Because I think when we say, where does my kid learn this from? It's also a way of saying like, did I. Did I make this happen? Right. Yes, yes. So no, like, kids hear things from all over. But also kids are always trying to figure out how to express the intensity of the actual emotions they're feeling. Because feelings really are. They're so confusing. Like, they're so intense. And we know this as an adult. Like, they literally take over your body when you're feeling them. Like, I, you know, can think about anxiety and panic and anger. Like, it's so visceral, but there's no marker of it to know that it's real. And so that's very confusing. So kids look for certain words. And also, I know this sounds awful because. But it doesn't come from a sociopathic place, I promise. They do sometimes look when they're feeling awful to kind of, quote, hurt their parents feelings. Because I do think it's this almost attempt at empathy. Like, if I can make my mom, my dad feels so bad, then they will know how awful this feels to me.

Okay?

It's like no one can know how real this is unless they felt it. And so if I make them feel this bad, then they will get how upset I am that my brother is playing with my truck.

Okay, that's helpful because I feel like when you want, when the kid wants to hurt us, these words, you know, I will do it anyway if you tell me no, then I'm going to do it anyway. That does feel disrespectful. You know, if I say don't do something, you're just going to flat out tell me you're going to do it anyway.

And I hear you. There's. It is so unnerving as a parent, right? Where like we, like, if you're alone, you're like, looking around, you're like, did somebody. Did somebody else, Right?

Did someone else.

I need to bear witness to this, right? So number one, you just said something that I think is actually a really important strategy when our kid does something that feels disrespectful or just feels awful, it's actually really important to say to yourself, that felt really awful. Like, to yourself, that felt really disrespectful. Because when you don't validate it to yourself, we unconsciously act out this whole thing with our kid as if we're trying to Prove how awful this thing was. We're not gonna get the validation from our kid. We're totally not. And actually, when you validate it to yourself, wow, that felt really disrespectful. I can't believe my kid said that. I would have never said that. It actually is seeing your own experience, which always helps us ground ourselves a little bit. So I actually do think that's like, an important first step. Okay, so number two, let's go to these examples. This child will say, you know, well, I'll just hit you if you give my brother my truck. I'm just gonna hit you. So why is this happening? And then what do we do? Okay, so to me, the most generous interpretation of why it's happening. And for anyone who hasn't heard that phrase, it's something I think about a lot. There's many ways to interpret why we all or why kids do the things they do. To me, the thing I try to think about is just like, what is gonna be the most effective way forward? So one interpretation is, my kid is saying, I'm just gonna hate you because they're awful and they're sociopathic and they're disrespectful. Okay, I'm not gonna argue with someone that's kind of not true. I happen not to think it, but I know the set of interventions that's gonna come next, if that is your operating interpretation. And I think people are listening to this podcast because they're like, yeah, I've tried those things. And, yeah, they. They.

They don't feel good.

They don't feel great. They don't work.

They don't work.

They don't feel good. Everything is worse. Like, right? So. And. And it's never acting in line with our values. When we see our kids as bad kids, just send them away, make a punishment that's random, like. And it doesn't help change the behavior. So, like, we're just further in the hole. So the most generous interpretation, to me always separates a good kid from their bad behavior. And then there's a gap between the good kid and their bad behavior. And to me, that gap always enables us to think, well, what skill do. Does my kid need to act more in line with their internal being? A good kid. So if you keep letting him play with my truck, I'm just gonna hit you. If you don't give me the red plate, I'm gonna hit you. If you don't give me, you know, dessert tonight, the one I wanted, I'm gonna hit you all these Situations. To me, the most generous interpretation is that a kid is saying to a parent, I need you. I am desperate. I feel so powerless. And I am desperate for you to know how seriously I want something, how seriously I feel something. I'm desperate for you to see me as a serious person, which doesn't mean giving a kid what they want. And Miley, we know there's adults who say these things in relationships.

Yes.

If you don't do this, I am going to where I think again, it's an adult saying to another adult, please hear me and take me seriously.

I think where you got me. Like every time we talk, you say something and it's like the thing that's hitting me hard is desperate.

Desperate.

What would I do if I was desperate? What would I say? Lots of things. You know, lots.

Probably the things our four year old says. I will hate you. I will do this. I will walk out the door and never come back.

Yes.

Right. Yes, it's right. And desperation comes from feeling invisible. Ooh.

Yes. So real.

Because you feel, you feel not real. And so it's like an existential threat to feel invisible.

Yeah. So they're going to say whatever comes up.

I mean, if you think about a kid who's like, let's say it is about not getting ice cream. Okay. But again, it's not really about not getting ice cream. It's maybe not feeling seen in how much they want ice cream or in general they feel controlled. Whatever it is, it's actually pretty sophisticated. And then I'm gonna hit you. Like, if you think about it, a kid is saying, I will make myself so real that you will feel it. Ooh. You will feel how real I am.

You will? Yes. Yes. You think that this is not serious and you don't see me. I'm not here. I'm not here for you. So let me show up and show you where I am. Wow. Yes.

So what do we do? Okay. Cause I promise you, people confuse these things. It's not like I'm like, oh, my child is now coming into their presence and they're so desperate, so hid away. Sweetie, I'm so proud of you. Like, okay. People, like think these things go together. Definitely would not do that.

Right.

But understanding things deeply is the best strategy we have because then we can think of a bunch of different interventions that put an understanding into practice. And we would have never thought about that strategy or practice if we didn't have the understanding it came from. So things I would say to my kid and by, I would say I mean, the small percentage of time, I'd be, like, grounded enough to say it.

Right.

But in the ideal situation, first of all, a kid who's saying, I will do this, they are looking for a boundary. They are looking for a parent say, I would never let you hit me. I would stop you.

Okay.

Really? It's like they're feeling out of control. Yes. It's like, you know, I think about when kids say, like, I. And some kids do, they get really dark. I. You know, I would. I would drown you in the river. That's what a bad parent you are. I would never let you do that, sweetie. I would never let you do that because you're a good kid. And I know you're having a hard time, but I see you. You are a good kid. I would never let you do something so out of control.

That's so good. Yeah. There we go.

I'm run away.

Right?

I would never let you run away from the house, sweetie. You know I wouldn't. You ever. You know the book Runaway Bunny? No. It's, like, a little creepy, but, you know, it's like, I'm gonna do this. And the mom's like, well, I would find you in the mountains. I'm gonna go in this dream. I would find. And like, a little bit you're like, give the kids some space maybe.

But.

But there's a balance, because there is something beautiful of like, I'm never gonna let you get too far from who you are. Right. And so I think they're looking for that. And then another thing. I think these kids who act out these threats are looking for is some version of, I see how upset you are. I'm not letting you have ice cream. And I know that feels as bad as this whole house, as bad as this whole neighborhood. And, you know, in our house, we believe feelings even though we don't see them. I know it's real. It is as real as everything. There's nothing to diffuse the desperation of invisibility than asserting your belief in the reality of someone else's feelings.

Those are tools that are so helpful in those moments when someone is saying they're going to do something anyway or they're going to hit you or. My son's new thing is he needs a new family and a new destiny, you know?

A new destiny.

I know. I'm like, come on.

Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. But if you don't feel seen, you know?

Yes. Yes. And sometimes the iron is. You can use that. Like, your kid really wants a new family. Like, see that wow. To ask. Okay. What? I know this might seem like a weird question. Sweetie, what would you get in that family? You don't get in this family. Really. Oh, you would. Oh, they'd let you watch TV 10 hours a day. Oh, what else? Oh, they let you have ice cream for every meal. Oh, what else? Oh, there wouldn't be any other siblings. It would just be you all the time. Wow. There's so many things about that family that, like, seem really important for me to know. Like, so often we reject these things from our kids that honestly, like, kind of opening them up and just entering into it with them again diffuses. Like. Right. Imagine, like, yelling at, you know, your partner about anything. Like, I don't wanna go to your parents for the holidays. I wanna go to Mar. Oh, what would we do about your parents? Oh, okay. Then what would we do? Like, now I'm just telling you my story. Like, I'm not even mad at you anymore.

Wow, Great tip. Pro tip. Because, you know, you are just pro tip. Yes. You're on this. I'm like, we're on vacation. We're on this really nice vacation. And you want a different family. Yes.

Right.

All right.

Right. And I know it can seem like. Here's the thing, it can seem very. Does it feel lenient? You know, are you letting your kids get away with something? And this is where every family knows you know their kids best. Right. Because is there a place, you know, let's say you're like, okay, I'm going to go with it. I'm going to kind of enter into this fantasy. And. But, you know, as a parent, then when it gets to the point, you're like, I feel like this is, I don't know, like, very repetitive. Like, you can always say to your kid, I hear there's something about a different family that you really, really want. I've also hit my limit of talking about you and this other family for today. And so if, you know, we can go play, you know, uno, or we can go swimming. Those are the options. Now, if you want to keep thinking about the family, you can draw the picture over there. I'm going to go do something with your sister. Like, we can always set a boundary.

Yeah, that's helpful because I feel like so many of us want to do A. And we feel like we should. Like, if we open the door, the door has to stay open forever. But it doesn't. It's like, okay, I heard a few things about this, and. All right, I'm good.

Yeah. And then in terms of this voice message. Right? So, okay, is it. Is this also so disrespectful? Like, my child is calling their siblings stupid? Like, what do you do? I can say, you can't say that, or I'm not gonna let you say that. But the words come out anyway. Again, to me, I think, okay, what's most generous interpretation or another version of that question with any kind of bad behavior is like, what is the underlying urge or desire? And can I think about, like, a better way, a safer way to let my kid express it? So why would a kid say to a sibling, you're stupid? I don't know. Again, maybe they don't feel seen. Maybe they're looking to feel powerful. Maybe they're mad at their sibling. It could be any of those. So let's say this parent is like, yeah, well, they tend to call their siblings stupid when they're brother gets to pick the show instead of them. So they're mad. They're jealous. Like, before you have the brother pick the show, I'd say to my child, look, your brother's picking the show today. There are things we can say to people when, you know, we're mad at them. There's also things that are really not okay to say to people when you're mad because they're just not safe for anyone. And so, for example, stupid. That's a word in the not saying list. But I get that it's annoying when your brother picks a show, like, I actually do. That is really hard for a kid your age. So let's plan it in advance. He's gonna pick the show. You're probably not gonna like it. You are gonna feel mad. Check, check, check. Okay, now we're at. And I almost draw a little decision tree, you know? Okay, what is a way you can tell everyone in the family that you're mad, but that is still kind of respectful for everyone. Cause that's a value in our family. So again, to me, the whole language on disrespect is we're like, well, my kid is so disrespectful. So, no, I don't know. No iPad for the week. You're disrespectful. Okay. What has that child learned about how to actually manage and express the feeling they were having in a way that could be more socially appropriate when they get punished? I don't think anyone's learning anything then.

Yeah, right.

So when you instead can kind of connect to a kid about whatever the actual feeling is underneath or experience, and then you're almost Giving them permission to do it a different way. Okay, well, let's figure out how to get that out of you and express it in a way that just works for our family. Right. Kids generally will roll with you because they don't feel like a bad kid. They actually, again, feel like you get them, and then they're more willing to try something new.

Can I ask you a question? I feel like this, in this moment, I'm having this, this is happening, and I see this little, like, cloud that comes up and it's like. Or like your little face, like, ding. Most generous interpretation. How the heck do I like, what is that? What is like, you know, in that moment, how do I get to the most generous interpretation?

So to me, mgi, I call it most generous interpretation. It's a muscle in our body. And we go into parenthood, all of us, that muscle is kind of has different amounts of strength for each of us, usually based on how often someone flexed their most generous interpretation to us when we were struggling. It is not an even playing field.

Okay? Yes.

And generationally, some individuals have inherited more privilege around that muscle than others. And some people listening are like, I am literally the first person in my generational line who will do this.

Yes.

Literally.

Yes.

Right. So that's number one, it's not an even playing field. Number two, what I like to tell parents about flexing that muscle is, to me, the best way to start doing that is in retrospect, meaning it's X p. M. I don't know, 9pm, 10pm It's 12am Whenever you get in bed, okay? And you make it a habit. Maybe when you get in bed, or maybe it's your MGI brush. Okay? When you brush your teeth, you have an MGI brush at night. And what you do when you brush your teeth is you think about one situation from earlier in the day. It already happened. You already yelled at your kid. You already called them a sociopath. Whatever it is, it happened. It's fine. This is how we build the muscle. And you think, what is the most generous interpretation of that thing that already happened? We can't flex a muscle in the moment unless we've really built it up outside the moment. No one makes a free throw when the game is on the line. In basketball, if you haven't taken some free throws in practice, okay? It doesn't happen. So this is practice. So I might say, let's say, to give me an example, what's something that, you know, one of your kids might do that you've heard would Be like, ooh, considered very disrespectful.

Throwing something of mine away.

Great. Like what?

Anything.

Like, do you want me to. I can use an example from my house. During COVID my son threw a babysitter's AirPods. Flushed them down the toilet, flushed them down.

Couldn't even get.

Didn't even.

AirPods are so expensive. I lost my AirPods, so I will never replace them.

Okay.

Yeah.

So. Okay, so that's my. What's yours? What will your son.

I mean, my son has, like, gone at the table, like, so mad and, like, thrown my food away. You know what I mean? Just, like, pulled out the trash.

Whop.

Shut it. And it's just like. I mean, that's the next level in that moment where it's like, okay, I'm gonna flex my most generous interpretation. You just threw my meal away.

I really mean this. In those situations, I would say to a parent, we're not gonna flex it in the moment. Like, why set ourselves up for everyone? We're gonna flex it later.

Thank you.

We're gonna flex it later.

Okay.

And I do believe in, like, this chronicity where the more we flex a muscle after the fact. Okay, just visualize this to me. There's, like, the point that it happens, and there's the point after. I always visualize that if we flex the most generous interpretation enough times after, it's almost like that muscle gets bigger and bigger and bigger, that it will eventually come and appear because it's so big in the moment. I really think it works that way. Okay, so after you would say. Or. Right, you would say, okay, my son threw away my dinner while I was eating, or I went to the bathroom, or I took a phone call, and all of a sudden I came back and it was gone. Or for me, it was, my son flushed our babysitter's AirPods down the toilet. Like, you know, okay, like, what is the most generous interpretation? Sometimes what helps me get there is. I'll say, I have a good kid, and there's reasons why he does the things he does. Understanding someone's reasons for their behavior. Let me be clear. Does not mean you condone the behavior. We often conflate the two. It does not. Understanding is not permission. Understanding is not agreement. Understanding is the starting point of effective change, period. Right? So why would your son throw away. Why would he do that? There's reasons why he does the things he does. And, you know, he's a good kid. Why would a good kid throw away their mom's food?

Doesn't Feel like I'm listening to what he has to say or wants to do or what he wanted. He knows it's something I want. And it's like, I want to take away since I can't have what I want. You can't have what you want. Great.

And I don't think there's ever a right answer. But to me, thinking about an MGI gets us in the perspective of, wait, it's me and my kid against a problem, or it's me and my kid against their lack of skill to manage a difficult experience. It's not me against my kid. What I end up finding out, my son. This is interesting. And my son's very funny when he acts out. Like, we'll just be like, why did you do that? And he'll just, like, look at us in the eye and tell us. Like, it's like, almost like, you know, disarming. He'll be like, you know. And instead our babysitter, well, she, like, goes on runs a lot and, like, sometimes spend time away from us when she runs with her AirPods. So I didn't want her to. I didn't want her to run, like, you know, take her runs, you know, Pretty smart. I mean, in some ways. And same with your son, like, if he's like, really, there's something creative. It's. It's very inconvenient. And on my end, it was very expensive. That one, you know, you're right. But. So let's say you have this mgi. He was looking for my attention, or he's not really getting the things he wants here. So I would handle it right, Because I know it's so hard. Parents are like, so you're not gonna punish your kid for doing that? The reason I don't wanna go punish my kid isn't because I don't want the behavior to change. It's because I do want the behavior to change. It is. And if a skill could help my child change, then I'm going to invest in building that skill, not invest in building my kid's identity as a bad kid who no one understands, which only makes them more likely to act out. Right? You're investing in one or the other.

Right?

Again, it doesn't have to be so soft. So I think you could say, look, earlier today, I think things didn't feel great during some part of the day, or I think you wanted my attention. For me, I'd be like, I wanted my attention. Like, I was on my phone and then all of a sudden I came back and my, you know, food was in the garbage. Look, you cannot throw my food away. Like, that's just not one of the options going forward. And hear me out. You're a good kid, and I think you were trying to tell me something important. You were like, mom, we're supposed to have dinner just us, and you're always distracted, or, mom, you know, I don't like that dinner anyway, and I actually want to hear that from you. And so we have to figure out another way when you're mad at me, that you can let me know that that keeps my food on the table. What do you think? Could we come up with three things and then you could play into it again? Can we come up with three things, and then I wonder which one you're gonna use later. Maybe I'll even practice. Maybe I'll look on my phone now. I would do this. My son. Oh, look, I'm on my phone. What you gonna do? I hope you don't stomp loudly. That would be really annoying. Okay, what's he gonna do? Stomp loudly? Because I'd asked him not to, because I planted it. Because I'm reverse psychologist.

Right, right, right, right.

And then he does. I'm like, oh. Oh, that's really loud. Oh, that's. Oh. Oh, you're telling me you want. You're telling me you want my attention. Oh, my. High five for that. Clap it up. Clap it up for the stomping. Right? Like, you can make it kind of light. And all of a sudden, I'm not giving my kid permission to do what he did. I'm giving him a pathway to not do that again.

Yeah, that's helpful, because I hear you. It's like, I know for some of us, getting to the most generous interpretation, like you said, is a muscle, and if you. No one practiced it. Practiced it with you. You know, I would, like, make mistakes where I drop something and it's like, I dropped it for no other reason than I just dropped it, you know? And to not have someone be understanding in that moment or be generous in their interpretation of, like, she just dropped it because she's seven, not because she's clumsy, which is my least favorite.

That's exactly right. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast. You could also write me@podcastoodinside.com. parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good Inside membership the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhee, Julia Natt and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.