The Inside Scoop on Dr. Becky’s Book

You're listening to Good inside with Dr. Becky. And in today's episode, I do something a little bit different. I have someone important in my life. Interview me. I can't wait for you to hear the conversation right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain Good Inside.

Welcome to good inside with Dr. Becky. My name is Julie Will, and I'm the editor of Dr. Becky's new book, Good A Guide to Becoming the Parent yout Want to be my guest today Happens to be the host of this podcast, Dr. Becky Kennedy. Thanks for being here today, Becky.

Thanks for having me, Julie.

So, Becky, as your guest host, I'm going to flip the script a little bit here and ask you to introduce yourself and tell us about some of the things that interest you.

Okay. I am Dr. Becky Kennedy. I am a clinical psychologist. I am a mother of three, I am a wife, I am a friend, and I am an author of a book I am so, so proud of. Good Inside A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. In terms of the things that interest me, I truly love thinking about kids and adults and family systems, and I really love thinking about the patterns as adults that kind of used to be adaptive in our early years and are no longer adaptive. And the way those patterns and kind of former adaptations play out in our parenting and then the opportunities we have to shift them to rewire in a way that ends up feeling not only better for our kids and not only allowing us to be the parent we want to be, but also just feels better for ourselves and really allows us to show up as the person we want to be.

I'm curious. What made you want to write a book?

That's a really good question to kind of jump in with, because as probably most people listening know, I started an Instagram account way before I had a book. And my Instagram account, my Instagram posts, my podcast, our newsletter, kind of everything I put out is pretty content rich. Like, I put out a lot of ideas. Uh, once I started writing one day, I kind of couldn't stop. I realized I had a lot to say, and pretty early in my Instagram career, I was kind of getting contacted by different book agents or even different editors saying, hey, have you written a book yet? You should write a book. And honestly, I remember thinking for a long time, I don't even know what I'd write in a book. Like, I just express my thoughts here. I don't really have a whole book in me. And I know I've read books that in some ways are kind of the putting together of people's Instagram posts. And I. I knew that wasn't the book I was gonna put out. It just didn't feel like me. And then toward the end of 2020, what ended up happening as I kept writing and kept making videos is I almost started to coalesce this, like, more coherent theory as I was writing, and I realized there are these principles like, that I keep coming back to. Everything keeps coming back to these principles. And then I realized that there's like, these 10 of them that everything relies on. And that made me really want to write a book because I realized I had something to say that couldn't be expressed in posts or in kind of short videos, but had to be expressed as, like a full arc. And then, because as you know, and probably everyone here knows, I love translating ideas into strategies and steps and scripts, I realized, wow, I could write a book where I finally coalesce all my ideas in one place for the first time ever. And then I could break down kind of problems that a lot of families struggle with, mine included, and show how those principles come to action. And so parents could kind of dive into the whole approach or at a different point in their parenting life. Just focus, flip to a chapter and use that as kind of a one off set of pages to help them through a tricky stage they're in.

So I think one of the things that's really wonderful about this book that you've created is that it gives your readers an opportunity to really dig deeper into this philosophy, these principles, in a way that makes it clear that Good Inside is more than just advice, that it's this paradigm shift in how we understand both our kids and ourselves. So can you speak a little bit more to that and sort of maybe share what makes your framework so different from other parenting resources?

So a couple things come to mind. Number one, obviously, the book is called Good Inside. My parenting platform is called Good Inside. And the first chapter of the book that goes into all the different principles, the first principle is Good Inside. So that's really where I'd start now. It doesn't seem like that should be a revolutionary idea that we are good inside and that our kids are good inside. But especially here in America, I feel like our child development kind of system and knowledge from parenting to education is so steeped in behaviorism, in the idea of shaping behavior and kind of rewarding and trying to get more of the good behavior and punishing or ignoring and trying to get less of the bad behavior. And I hear myself say this, Julie, and I'm like, okay, well, what's wrong with that? Like, isn't that what we want? And, like, in a way, that's what we want in a very surface level way. But you end up seeing people as a collection of behaviors to shape, not as, like, a human being who is in need of, you know, full expression and development and nobody with a behavioral approach. Nobody who really endorses timeouts and punishments and ignoring and shaping through sticker charts or rewards. Nobody ever says, we believe kids are bad inside. Like, nobody obviously says that. However, I really believe that inherent in the idea that you have to punish kids or you have to, like, make them feel guilty or you have to reward them for, you know, things like being kind or generous, underlying that. And it's like, we only have to control people we don't trust, right? And you only have to shape behavior when you believe if a person left to their own devices, without that system would. Would unravel or, you know, there'd be something awful that happened. And so I really do believe that there's this almost inherent assumption of badness in child raising, right? You have a kid, you say, no pretzels before dinner, and then you see your kid eating pretzels before dinner, right? It's very easy to come up with bad inside conclusions. My kid doesn't respect me. My kid is basically trying to say, they're the boss, right? My kid won't ever listen to anyone for 30 years. Right? These are all kind of an assumption of badness versus, I don't know, I guess my kid really wanted pretzels and, like, really struggled to, you know, stay away from the pantry, right? Like, if my husband said to me, I'm cooking a nice meal, please don't eat chocolate right before dinner. And then later, I ate chocolate before dinner. Like, I don't think anyone would say to me, becky, it seems like you don't respect your husband. They'd be like, ooh, it's hard to want chocolate and just not have it, right? And we'd all kind of commiserate and so I think the idea that there is inherent goodness that you have a good kid under their sometimes bad behavior, that we are good parents under our sometimes bad behavior, it actually is revolutionary. And it leads us to have a completely different form framework. And as I always say, when we have a different framework now, we can translate that into interventions that end up walking us down a path with our kids that's entirely different from the path we'd walk down from a more behavioral or controlling framework.

Just to build on that. I think there's a real critical perceptual shift that happens when you start to think about your role as a parent as raising a human being with complex emotional needs versus sort of policing someone's behavior and shaping them that way.

Yes. I mean, a hundred percent. And you and I, Julie, we've talked about this. I think that we can get into such an either or mindset because I get it. Like a parent hears this and they think, oh, so it's, it's okay that my kid hits their sibling? Like, it's just okay? Nope. Like, nope, it's still not okay. I would never say, well, your kid's good inside, so let them hit, hit, hit. No biggie. No, it is a big deal, but in a more reactive way, or when we're looking at from a critical way, we probably intervene. Like, what is wrong with you? Go to your room. If they intended to do that, almost as if your kid wanted to do that. Kids don't feel good when they hit. As awful as it feels to get hit, it feels just as awful in a way and out of control. To be a kid who's hitting, it feels so bad versus a good inside perspective. And as you know, I'm sure we'll get more into this. It's a lot of embodying our authority, first of all, which is very much not a hands off or quote, weak approach. Some version of I won't let you hit. Okay, now I've stopped the behavior, but I remember my kid's good inside. My kid's good inside. Oh, oh. I know you really wanted that toy. It's so hard to want something and I have it. Nope, I'm not going to let you hit. I'm not even going to let you get near your brother because I have two kids and my job is to keep you both separate. And then when you're calm and everyone's calm now, we can skill build. Maybe I practice something they could do instead of hitting. But all of those moments come from seeing my kid as A good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad kid things.

I'd love to pull back for just a minute and talk about your background and what informs your thinking about parenting. How does your personal and professional experience kind of come together to inform the good inside approach?

So when I think about what really informs the good inside approach from the professional side of things, I think a lot about the intensive work I've done with adults over the years. Because while no adult usually explicitly says this in a first therapy session, you know, symptoms in adulthood in my mind were adaptations in childhood. Every single thing an adult really struggles with was at some point adaptive or protective. And our body, understandably, and in a way, thankfully, is hesitant to let go of the things that were put in place to protect us. And so we get to adulthood and our body is kind of misguided. It's still engaging in ways that used to help, and they helped during the years we were wiring our body for the world and they no longer help. And as a result, it's hard to make a change even if we know the change we want to make. And so when I started to think about this with a lot of adults, I. I started to notice where these adults, even the ones with well intentioned parents, just didn't get the things they need, or where moments where their fears were mistaken with their wants, where things were taken too much at face value, where their underlying emotional needs weren't seen. And what was seen instead was the visible manifestation of just their ball of distress. And so much of the work I've done with adults over the years is this process of rewiring. And so that was happening on one side, and then on the other side, I became a mom and I realized, wow, this thing is a lot harder than people said it was. Okay? And it really led to just more interest in working with parents, right? And so as I started to work with more parents, not only in therapy, but in kind of more parent coaching, people would come to me for help with their family systems and their kids. I thought, okay, I'm gonna go get more training. So I went to this kind of gold standard, evidence based, based parenting program. And the entire thing really was learning about timeouts and rewards and punishments and ignoring and praising and how to get more of the good and how to get less of the bad behavior. And I was obsessed. I was like, I know exactly how to help people. Oh my God, this is amazing. Because from a pure logic perspective, it makes so much sense. Like the logical part of our brain cannot help by being lit by up from all of the behavioral interventions because it's so clean. And then I went back into my private practice and it was interesting. Some sessions were this parent coaching, some sessions were this intense psychotherapy. And truly it was during a session with a set of parents who are coming to me with their kid who was really struggling. And I heard myself talking to them about how to kind of deliver an effective timeout. And the words came out of my mouth and then I looked at them, I kid you not. And I literally said to this couple, I'm sorry, I actually don't believe in anything I'm telling you. And this is awkward. Like kind of, at minimum, I'm going to give you your money back and best case scenario is I'll contact you in a couple of weeks with a different system. But this can't be the case. And I think one of the things that struck me in that session is I just wouldn't do this with my kids. Like, I wouldn't. And honestly, also I was thinking if I was really struggling and I was yelling at my husband or, you know, treating him in a way that truly is not a kind way, if his response was a timeout, if his response was, well, then no iPad. If his response was literally turning the other way and ignoring me when I was so upset, yes, the upset was coming out in not the best way. But still, at my core, I knew as a human, I was just upset. Like, I don't know what would happen except for my increased anger, resentment, distance, fear, all really awful human things. And it's, I just, I trust that experience. Like in my own body, I'm like, that can't be the way. Plus I feel like everything I'm saying, parents, is, is kind of like completely philosophically the opposite versus all this intensive psychotherapy I'm doing with adults, right? And. And then truly, I think it was like the next day or something, I was like trying to put this all together and I was thinking, what if I took everything I do with adults in like intensive but really, really impactful, successful psychotherapy, and what if I reverse engineered all of that information to give to today's parents so then they could give to kids early on during their wiring years all of the things that all of these adults need to rewire and feel more confident and at home with themselves and safe in the world, which then allows people to be the version of themselves they want to be and be successful and happy. And then from a personal perspective, with my own kids, I think what really was so helpful as I continued to tweak things, was, number one, just realizing that all kids are so different. Like, kids almost need different parents. And the way I think about it is, each of my three kids, what they need is they need almost like a different part of me to. To lead. Like, there's no one right way to parent, even within your own home. I realized that, and I think that has given me a lot of compassion for parents, a lot of compassion for not having a right way, but having a framework that just makes sense to you, that you then feel the freedom to kind of iterate on yourself. And that kind of led to everything that's written in the book.

Speaking of the audience for this book, I think another convention of traditional parenting resources, particularly in the book space, is that they tend to be written for, you know, a specific age range or developmental phase, which can be great, but it's somewhat limiting.

Right.

I think one of the wonderful things about this book is that it feels so much more expansive. Who's your target audience? Who's your target reader? This is such a good question.

It's actually interesting. I haven't thought about it until just now, but people used to always ask me this in my private practice too. What do you specialize in? Right? Do you specialize in anxiety? Do you specialize in anger? Do you specialize in couples relationship? Do you specialize in eating disorders? It's interesting because even back then, I always say, I don't know. I don't like being boxed in. Like, I like understanding people. And I think understanding people, part of that is understanding their symptoms. But the idea that I'd link myself to one symptom, I'm good at, anxiety. Like, it almost defines someone by how they present instead of the fullness of them. So I never did it in my private practice. It worked out okay anyway, because more than okay, I loved seeing a variety of people and getting to know them. So I actually think it's remarkably similar. About this book, people do say, yeah, what age is this workshop good for? What age is this presentation good for? What age is this book good for? My answer is, yes, it's good for your kid's age. And I know people think you're like, becky, you haven't even heard my kid's age. I know I didn't hear it. And yes, it's gonna help them, because I think we've been in the parenting world, like, locked into what I call, like, an age rage mindset. And I actually think it just increases anxiety in parents, as if here's the thing I need to think about and do when they're one and here's when they're 18 months, we're fed these milestones as if those things on the outside can define development, which is a process that happens on the inside. The truth is every single person needs the same things, whether they're 0 or 99. Now how you apply those things, the exact language, is it going to differ? Sure. But I really mean this like it differs far less than we think. Everyone needs to feel seen. All kids need to be noticed. All kids need firm boundaries. All kids need to know that their parents see their emotional experience as real and also that their emotional experience doesn't overwhelm and take over their parents. This is true when your baby's crying at three months and you have no idea why. This is true when your 5 year old is screaming at the toy store. This is true when your 14 year old didn't make the travel soccer team. This is also true when your partner gets fired from a job. Right. Like this is always true. And I think if we all take a deep breath and like almost learn to like trust ourselves more. Yes, I want a framework. Yes, I want principles that make sense. Yes, I need examples here and there and I need a few scripts to kind of open the door and I don't have to learn something new every single year with my kids. Like it's actually less work to be like, if I have a system, if I have a book, if I have something that really makes sense to me, then as I practice that I'm going to be able to individualize that to my kids and then I can learn a system when my kids are young that's going to grow with me and them that I don't need to kind of relearn or reinvest. This whole set of principles, I promise you, is as relevant today as it will be 20 years ago. It's as relevant with your kids, as it is with your partner, as it is in your workplace, as it is with your in laws. And I think that's really the beauty of good inside. And I think it's also what people, especially in our membership who've been like doing this work and kind of practicing this habit, when they name what they've gotten from this process, it's so interesting. Their kids behavior is like so low on the list. And I always say, wait, wait, wait. But you did come in for the tantrums, but you did come in for the sibling rivalry. Like I wouldn't even be okay if you told me, yeah, that hasn't even changed. And they say, oh, my goodness, that's gotten so much better. Like, but it's just a piece of the puzzle. Like, I feel more confident. I feel like my self worth has grown. I feel like I can finally ask for a raise. I feel more connected to my partner. I can finally say no to obligations I don't want to go to. And that has just helped me. And then of course, my whole family system, so much more. I came for tantrums and then I kind of stayed. And, you know, I've grown in so many other ways.

As you said that, I was thinking about how I've changed my own parenting as a result of full immersion into good inside your principle of connection first and connecting on an emotional level with your child before anything else. As you start to do that, you get to know your child better. You get to anticipate a little bit more about how they're going to react. I think it just is kind of knowledge that builds on itself as you focus on connection.

You know, Julie, if it's okay with you, I'd love to hear. Maybe I'm reversing the tables there. They're turning the tables. This idea of when I work on and it doesn't come naturally, it doesn't come overnight. And please, I don't do this with my own kids all the time. But when we all work on connecting to our kids more like connect first as opposed to criticize first or correct first or ask first. I'm curious if you have an anecdote that kind of comes to mind that feels like a, you know, like a big shift.

One area that we've struggled with in our house is transitions. I used to react more to the situation than the feeling. Why can't you get your shoes on and go to school? Why are you, you know, so grouchy the minute you get home from camp? Why are you. Why can't you just get in the car? All of these moments became so fraught and they escalated into moments that don't feel good and they kind of poison your day. And I wanted to kind of tackle that and figure out how we could not just on a practical level, fix them, but what was going on beneath the surface. And I think that that's one of the small victories I've had.

And that's so powerful. Right. And I think that's such a good example because if you look at that through a behavioral perspective. Perspective. Right. Just to outline this, it's like my kid won't Leave in the morning. Well, okay, what if I go to my kid and say, I'm gonna give you a sticker every time you put your shoes on when I say to put your shoes on. And after three stickers, I don't know, we go to the toy store and you can get a toy. Okay, maybe that or you know, if you don't put your shoes on, you're gonna lose screen time tonight. Like, I'm just saying you're gonna lose screen time and. Okay, now I have to later say no screen time. It feels so much later. Probably don't even want to do it. And I have a tantrum because of that. Maybe I'm punishing or. Right. It's just this whole, whole system. And here's what's missed, is that there's a person who's having trouble putting their shoes on. Or maybe the shoes going on really is just representative of separation about the rest of the day. Or maybe it's representative of the fact that kids have not been nice at school and they always feel left out or that math is hard. The truth is, if we look at our child as a collection of behaviors to shape, not only do we miss getting to know a child and connecting with a child, and when our kids are teens and above, literally the only thing we have in the world is connecting with them because we cannot control them anymore. And I promise you, they do not care about our stickers after a certain age. But even more than that, we lose information. Like, if I'm willing to say to my child in a calm moment, maybe the next day, hey, it's been really hard for you to leave. And I know you're a good kid and I know there's something about putting on your shoes that's really, really tricky. And even if you don't understand it, I know there's something and I know we're going to figure it out. You know, people say like, you think my 2 year old is going to like have something to say? Yes, I do. And as long as you approach them as if they actually do have a story under their struggle, they will share with you at some point, it will come out sooner rather than later. And as long as we approach a kid as if they're just a set of behaviors, they're just being difficult as if there isn't a story, not only will they not share their story with us, what's honestly really sad, I think is like, they never figure out that story in themselves. Because if we don't look at our kids like there's a reason for their struggle, then all they'll be left with is some form of self blame. All they hear is our blame and our criticism. They won't understand there's a story under their struggle. And I think of it as adults. If we know anything about our own tough times, it's only after we look at our struggles with compassion and curiosity. Huh? I wonder why I have stayed in bed all month. Huh? I wonder why I have been yelling at everyone. It's not okay, but there must be a reason. Let me figure that out. That compassion isn't just a nice to have. It's key to unlocking are solutions for change. Right. So it's also just effective. And that idea. Yes, Connection first. A parents once told me that's the mantra I've taken in from you when I'm struggling with my kid. Connect first. Connect to the person. Connect to the person. There's something about putting on your shoes that's hard. Right? Put off the solution, getting out the door and prioritize the relationship. And I really think magical things happen when you do. Not right away, but they really do.

I agree. I think, I hope my daughter would agree. Well, you know, on this note, actually, there's an idea in the book that, you know, I love very much, and that is the idea that it's never too late, you know, regardless of how much time has passed. Right. If it's the shoe struggle in the morning and it's now the afternoon, that you have the opportunity as a parent to repair these ruptures and to change the effect of moments that you wish you could take back, could you talk a little bit about that?

So if everyone hears me, you know, in this moment, like if you almost only take one thing from this whole episode, there is no parenting strategy that's as important as repair. None. And the underlying message to that is actually something very nuanced. Okay. If there's nothing as important as repair and if all of us should practice getting better at repair. Well, in order to repair, you have to have messed up. So messing up is part of good parenting. Like good parenting isn't getting it right all the time. When we repair, we teach that really important lesson. Right? Our kids register everything that happens. I mean, we do as adults too. So when a moment feels bad, we yell at our kid. We say something we didn't want to say, which happens in my house too. It still happens. It's not like, oh, that happened once. No, it happens just like it happens in your house. There's only one choice Right. The choice is our kid remains alone with the scary set of feelings that happened in that moment of rupture with us. Or our kids have a moment to layer after that not feel so good moment. And that new moment includes reconnection and safety and compassion and understanding and essentially telling your kid, this wasn't your fault, telling your kid, here I am. We actually add all the elements back into that experience that were missing in the first place. And so now truly, like, the chapter to that story ends very differently. And I just think that's so hopeful. And so I find it so relieving, like, oh, okay. So, yeah, I'm. I am going to yell at my kids. Like, I definitely want to work on doing that less, and I'm going to still do it. And when I do it, I can go to them after and say some version. And there's a lot of scripts in the book. Right. Of I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sure that felt really bad. It's never your fault when I yell, I'm here. I'm gonna work on that. And I love you. And, you know, I think any of us right now, if we imagine our parents even saying some version, you know, hey, I've thought about things I've done decades ago. I wish I could do them differently. That probably felt bad. You weren't crazy to feel that you weren't wrong, and that was never your fault. And I'm here now, and I can't take that away. But I wanted to say that, and I love you, like, there's no way that wouldn't impact us in such a positive way now. And so we know that repair is never too late, because if we would still take inner repair and it would be meaningful, not the same thing as forgiveness, but that would be meaningful to us now, then it shows the power of repair with our own kids.

You know, I think another idea that's kind of connected to this strategy of repair is the concept of knowing your role and that each of us plays a role within the dynamic of a family system. Can you explain a little bit about what it means to know your role within a family?

Yes. So family jobs or knowing your role, That's a really core principle, and it's one that in the book, I show how to apply it, because it's not always obvious. Well, how does that apply in a tantrum? How does that apply when a kid has anxiety? How does that apply with separation moments? How does that apply in sibling rivalry? Right. But it's honestly always the question to come Back to and. And the best part about family jobs is when you really know your role in a tricky situation with your kid, that clarity immediately changes how the situation feels. Right. We often think when our kid is struggling, like, how do I fix that behavior? How do I change that behavior in them? Well, we all know we can't immediately change a behavior in any. But I promise, we're almost looking for the wrong thing. The unlock is knowing your role. As soon as you know your role, something weird happens in your body. You're like, nothing even changed. I figured out my role and my kids are actually sleeping. So literally nothing changed. But I feel so much lighter because we all actually just want clarity. That's what gives us confidence. And almost always when family systems are in patterns where, you know, things feel really stuck, it's because there's job confusion or role confusion. So what's a parent's job? Three main parts. Boundaries, empathy, validation. Boundaries are forms of decisions. Boundaries sometimes are physically setting a boundary, right, No, I won't let you hit your sister while you hold your child's wrist. And boundaries are also decisions. It could be like, this is your bedtime, you know, that could be a decision. And boundaries are really about keeping your kids physically and emotionally safe, Right? That's one of the questions kids are always asking, am I safe? And our boundaries show them, yes, you are safe because I'm your leader. The other side of her job is validation and empathy for their feelings. And I believe the question kids ask that relate to that part of our job, and I'm going to cry as I think about this is, am I real? Am I real? Are the things inside me real? Do I matter? And when we see a feeling which is kind of unquote seeable, but right when we see it, when we notice it, when we name it, when we validate it, we're letting a kid know that they're real. And so in those jobs, we're letting kids know, essentially, you're real and you're safe. And what's a kid's job like? Their actual job, it's so empowering to think about it that way, is to feel and experience and express the entire range of their feelings and thoughts and urges. And why? Well, we want our kids to really develop a lot of emotion regulation skills, the ability to manage the full range of emotions they have. And I think if we all zoom out, I don't know any adult who doesn't feel frustration, who doesn't feel jealousy, who doesn't feel anger. But I do have a Lot of adults come to my practice and they don't say this, but it's always underlying their struggle is I really don't have regulation skills for an entire set of feelings. So when disappointment comes my way, when jealousy comes my way, when anger comes my way, I essentially react in the same way as two year olds do. I unravel. We can't help our kids build skills for feelings they don't feel. You have to experience a feeling over and over to learn how to manage it. Like you got to go through that tunnel. And so when our kids are tantruming because we said, you know, no to a TV show, they're actually doing their job. And if we can see in that example, I can, I can describe like an interplay of jobs, right? So what's my job boundary? So what would the boundary be? Oh buddy, we're done with those two shows. TV time is over. You know, I guess I kind of cheated. I did all my jobs at once. Because you notice the validation empathy is like, oh man, like that's over. I might even say, oh, it's so hard to end tv. I don't even know if I have to say that because it's kind of felt in my tone. And I might even say, I'm going to grab the remote and turn it off right now. That's the boundary. I did my job. Like just full stop. No matter what happens next, I did my job. I don't know anyone in any company who defines how well they did their job by how well some random colleague did their job. Like that's just their job. It's not your job. So now my kid starts crying, I come back to jobs. I set the boundary. I empathized and validated. Oh, interesting. My kids doing their job. No, I want to watch another TV show. There's a real back and forth. I might go back to my job. I know you want to watch a TV show. It is so hard to start watching TV and stop for me too. Oh, I wonder if you could tell me what TV show you want to watch tomorrow when we have TV time again. Even my kid keeps crying. I hold my boundary. I empathize. We can empathize and validate just by being present and looking at our kid lovingly. Now we're finally surviving that situation. Now to be clear, none of this is enjoyable. All of this can be terribly inconvenient to our lives. And yet everybody did their job well. Where we really struggle is where we believe our boundaries should dictate our kids feelings. As if We've made a good decision about TV time. So our kids should say, mom, thank you for making such a good decision. Nope, that's not how it works. Or where our kids feelings start to dictate our boundaries. They start to cry and we say, oh, well, okay, I guess one more. Now to be clear, I don't have a problem with anyone giving their kid one more TV show. But that decision really kind of confuses family jobs if it's made for from your kids feelings dictating the change, rather than your own decision making dictating the change. And so those family jobs in every tricky situation become such a useful foundation to ground ourselves in and then determine an intervention from.

You know, that's such a good point because I think for every parent, tolerating your child's distress can be very challenging. Yes. And one of our roles or one of our jobs as parents, as you were just talking about, is modeling this emotional regulation and not just responding to an emotional trigger in the moment. And yet we have multiple roles. One of our roles once was being someone else's child. That's a role that continues with us for a lifetime in some ways. And all of those beliefs and behaviors have a way of seeping into our parenting sort of unconsciously until those moments where we say, oh, I sounded like my mother.

Right.

So how do we reconcile sort of these two things when we want to be emotional anchors for our children, but we find ourselves so easily emotionally triggered by certain behaviors?

Yes. And look, this is what I think is the essence of the good inside approach that I really, really think is completely differentiating from any other parenting approach out there. Like the idea of good inside, that we're actually good inside side is revolutionary. I also think it's a really big change to say, here's a parenting approach that actually cares and respects your needs as a person as much as it cares about and respects your kids needs as a person. And kind of news flash, our needs as parents, me and you, Julie, as mothers, are not just our caregiving needs. Caregiving is a part of us.

Right.

It is not all of us. And if we think about those triggered moments in addition to our own past playing out, and there's ways we can work on that. And I always think all of the reparenting we focus on, the point of reparenting isn't to quote, revisit your past. We need to reparent because our past is living in our present. Like when our past starts living out in our present, it's no longer our past. You Know the, the time zones, the time frames have gotten all mixed up and we've got to separate them. Right. But the other reason we're triggered so often with our kids so, you know, and why we see ourselves act in ways that we promised ourself we wouldn't act in. It's not because we're bad parents. It's not because we don't care. It's definitely not because we can't change. Part of it is we're fried, that we're depleted, that we have poured out all of ourselves. I was going to say so much of ourselves, but all of ourselves. That one more request. One. Cry. One. No, I don't like that. Breakfast. One. Can I have this thing? Our body just has no space for any more giving of ourselves. And when I really think about the impact I think honestly, this book is going to have, good Inside is an entire approach. And now membership community is going to have in this movement. It's really parents saying, like I call bullshit on this selfless parenting thing that the patriarchy has handed down to me for generations. And my kids need a sturdy leader that's a leader who has access to self. And yes, it's going to benefit my kids, is going to benefit my whole family system. It's really going to benefit myself. I am just going to feel like a sturdier, more confident person. And I think over and over when I think about the impact this movement is having, and now honestly, with the community aspect too, of people coming together, that together, togetherness really, really matters. You know, that just feels, it feels so huge both to be rewiring ourselves and improving our self worth and the amount of space we can take up in the world while wiring our kids from the start in ways that not only are going to help them in their adulthood, but kind of right from the start put them in touch with kind of the fullness of who they are, with confidence, with emotion, regulation skills. Like, I think that's, that's the biggest gift we can give our kids. That's the thing. I don't know if we'll ever get a formal thank you note, you know, thank you, mom, for helping me with your boundaries and your validation. And I feel very able to regulate my emotions now that I'm, you know, an adult. But I think we'll see it, you know, I think. I think we'll really, really see it. And I am just so hopeful, honestly, about humanity with how many adults seem so invested in this work, both for themselves and for their kids.

We've covered A lot. Right. If you could give your listeners, potential readers, one kind of, you know, final thought in terms of, you know, given all the demands on their time, if they could focus on one thing.

I hate being locked into one thing. You know that. It's like I always say, two things are true.

You can have two.

Okay, two things.

Two things can be true.

Two things can be true. Yeah. Okay. There, there are two things on my mind. I don't know if they're, they're so related. But, you know, I keep thinking about this one sentence starter that I feel like just sums up so much of the good inside approach and just so, so simple also for parents. And it's, it's the sentence starter. I'm a good parent who, you know, if we think about some of the core ideas of good inside that we are good inside, that our behavior is separate from our identity, that, you know, change comes from a place of self compassion, not self blame. I'm a good parent. Who really sums that up and what comes after the who? Well, I'd encourage you to finish the sentence with a behavior that can kind of provoke your bad mom or bad parent spiraled thought. So, for example, I'm a good parent who just yelled at my kids. I'm a good parent who isn't enjoying this phase of parenting versus what happens even without us realizing is the behavior collapses into our identity. It's as if my child crying means I'm a bad parent. It's as if my yelling means I'm a bad person. Right. And being able to separate the two with that simple sentence, I'm a good parent who, it grounds us in our goodness and that actually allows us to, to make the changes we want. That actually people say, does that let you off the hook? I always think it's like the funniest thing. You want to be left off the hook. Blame yourself, shame yourself, say awful things. Now you filled yourself with shame. Shame literally leads to the biological response of freeze a frozen state. You can't make any changes. So if you want to let yourself off the hook, self blame away. If you want to leave yourself on the hook for change, it's not about saying that didn't matter. Of course. That's just avoidance. It's about saying, I'm a good parent who did this thing. Right? Okay. That behavior doesn't define me. I'm still good inside. That allows you to find your feet. That allows you to be curious. That allows you to look back. Huh? The pathway ended in yelling. When did it start? When was the first decision I made this week that probably led to my not taking care of my own needs, huh. Probably started when I said I would make that meeting that I didn't want to go to. I don't know what it is, but I'm a good parent who. And if you want to take that a step further, add a sentence with, I have a good kid who. I have a good kid who is in a hitting phase. I have a good kid who won't fall asleep at night. So that, that's one thing. The other thing that I am really on a kick about lately is I feel very angry about this narrative that parents should kind of know how to do parenting. I feel very angry about this message that it should just be natural. And not only does it add so much guilt to parents, it actually gets in parents way of getting the resources they need. Right. There was a recent media article that put parenting industry in quotes and said something about me and other people, quote, profiting off of desperate parents, number one. The idea that parents are so malleable and so vulnerable in that way, I think is just such a disservice. But also, any job in this country that we see as valuable, we believe people in those jobs should have resources to feel more confident and to do their job in a way they think is better. We don't assume managers know how to manage. They get executive coaches. And nobody ever says executive coaches are preying on managers. No one. People say, yeah, look at that manager investing in themselves. Wow, how amazing. So I call bullshit on this whole narrative that we should just know how to parent it. Actually underneath that, it's so not only insulting, it really gets in our way of believing what I think is core. We deserve resources. We should go get those resources. We should get the information we need. Yeah, we should invest in that workshop. We should invest in that book. Not because I'm a bad parent, but because I have a very important job and people with important jobs get the support they deserve. And so everyone listening, you're a good parent who's investing in yourself. And I would add to that. I deserve resources. That's not a luxury. That's not a sign that I'm doing something wrong. It's a sign that I value my job and it's a sign that I value myself.

I love that and I love the validation that you just offered so many parents.

I'm so curious. Obviously you've read a million books. You're a parent. As you were reading the manuscript, as you were even going through my proposal, in the early days, what stood out for you?

I think it. Actually, I would back it up even further from the proposal because it really started with your Instagram. And I think, you know the story that a friend of mine was sort of my last drink date in the city before we moved an hour outside the city, I had a drink date with a friend, and we were talking about all the hard things happening in our lives, and she said, do you. Have you heard of Dr. Becky? Do you follow this Instagram account? And of course, I was like, ugh, I don't.

I don't.

I don't need to follow Instagram for parenting advice. That's not, you know, not my thing. But of course, I checked it out later. And truly, you know, within 24 hours, I probably read every one of your posts, watched all of your reels, texted my friend to say, thank you very much. And a lot of people have, you know, knowledge and can't communicate it. And you are just a very gifted storyteller and communicator. And I knew that you needed to write a book. And I knew to your point earlier that this was a big idea. This wasn't just a guide to behavior. This wasn't just. Just a practical resource, though. It's that, too. It was this sort of paradigm shift. It was this movement and re. Understanding how we parent and how we understand ourselves as parents.

Thank you.

But it was actually. I don't want to say easy, because that's not the right word, but it was a really sort of organic editorial process because it unfolded so naturally. And you, I think, always had a vision for this. And it was my job to kind of midwife it into the world and help you get that vision out.

And on that. Something I often say about a tantrum is when I imagine a kid having a big tantrum, I always see, oh, the feelings they have in their body are literally too big to be in their body, so they explode out their extremities. That's what it looks like. It just looks like an explosion. And when I think about writing this book, you know, I. I feel like the arc of the story and the principles and then all the other more detailed, you know, in some ways, practical chapters. Like, it really was an experience in writing it. Like, it had to come out. Like, I would have moments where I was with my kids playing, and I'd be like, I have to go. Like, I'm sorry. Like, I would. I was like, I have this chapter that's like, it's exploding out of me. Like, I Gotta get it down, right? And then of course, it needed crafting. But I feel so compelled by these ideas. They are too big for my body. So they explode out. And then I feel like something happens with people where something gets lit up inside them. I think it was always there, but there's something about the content that's just like the spark. And then something gets lit up in them and it's too big for them to contain and they want to talk about it with a friend or they want to share an idea or they want to have a conversation. And that's the movement nature of this, right, that we keep lighting up each other. And then those fires inside, they're like good, amazing fires. And they. It's not even that we want to share them. It's like we have to. We like, we have to. It's like it's the thing on our mind. We have to share it with a friend. We have to call someone. And I just want to thank you, Julie, on every single person here for being in this really in this, like, explosive movement, this movement of empowerment, of taking up space, of confidence, of boundaries, of empathy, of strength through vulnerability, of strength through our emotions. And I feel like the fire is just starting. And I know the book is really going to be something that helps that fire, that amazing cycle breaking, game changing fire, light that much further. And for everyone listening, I just, this is like, this is just the first inning and I just can't wait to do so much more together.

Me too. It's been such a pleasure to be on this journey with you and I. Yeah. I'm just so excited to see the reception for this book. I know it's going to impact so many parents.

Well, thank you and thank you for helping this book come to life. Thank you for being the first person who I feel like really, you know, changed the dynamic of this podcast. I love working with you. I trust you. You're so thoughtful and you've been such a critical part of this process. So thank you.

Thank you, Becky.

Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home. You can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to Good Inside Podcast. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many Good Inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to good inside.com to learn more about Good Inside membership. I promise you, you're going to love it. It's totally game changing. And if you're not already receiving my free weekly email, go to goodinside.com to sign up. You don't want to miss it. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Mary Kelly, our Senior Producer is Beth Rowe, and our Executive producers are Erica Belsky and me. If you enjoyed this episode, please do take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important, important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.