This is Not a Vacation. My Kids Are Coming.

Everyone knows that once you have kids, vacations aren't really vacations. You don't really travel. You kind of just take trips. And it really feels like a trip when you're traveling with kids. And at the same time, there are sometimes some really small shifts we can make to get an experience that does feel a little bit more like a vacation or at least moments that do. I asked all of you to share some voice notes with questions you have about traveling with kids. And so I want to spend today answering those questions. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. If you're like a lot of parents, I know it is really anxiety producing to travel with kids. You think about the logistics. You think about the plane flight or the train or the car. You think about, ooh, all the new food. That's very different from what you have at home. All right, let's hear from Roxanne, who's going to speak to exactly these concerns. So we're taking our three kids, ages 6, 5 and 1, to Greece for three weeks. And a, I'm worried about my oldest because she's an extremely picky eater and I'm afraid she's just going to be hangry, low blood sugar, because traveling, it's just hard to find those safe foods. And I don't know what to do about that. And B, I'm nervous for the one year old on the plane. Our longest flight is eight hours, and she's just not at the age where even, you know, a screen would work for her to distract her if there's any insight. I'm very nervous. First of all, I think it's awesome that you're taking your three kids to Greece. And I say that as a parent who has not taken her three kids to Greece. But I really think it's amazing. And I think these decisions give our kids kind of a wider sense of their own capability. Right. Because it does push the whole family kind of out of their routine. And while your young kids might not explicitly remember that the stories of what happened in Greece, what they will remember is that things were pushed a little bit outside their comfort zone. And so I know there's anxiety around that and we'll get to that. But I also just want you to take a moment to pause and say, this is actually such a benefit to my kid. This is so cool that I'm going to give them this early experience. Okay. We have travel with the one year old and we have eating food when your child is a little bit of a picky eater. I actually Want to center on a theme here. And Roxanne, it's the theme of your capability. You might think, what are you even talking about? I didn't ask about that. How is that a theme? Here's what I know. Travel is hard. The plane flight. Yeah, it's definitely not going to be so pleasant. Plane flights are hard. Figuring out food in a foreign country can be hard. And I know you're a sturdy leader who will help your kids get through these things. I know that seems minimal to say or like a throwaway comment, but here's how I think about anxiety in general. Anxiety equals the unknown plus our underestimation of our coping ability. I want to say that equation again because I almost want you to write it down if you're not driving, because seeing it as an equation is really helpful. Anxiety equals the unknown plus the underestimation of our coping ability. Okay. Now that we see this equation, we often think that we can lower our anxiety by making the unknown more known. Here's all the things I'll do on the plane, and here's all the different things I ordered. And I'm going to look up all the restaurants in Greece and figure out which ones have pasta with butter and parmesan cheese on the side, right? Something like that. And it's not like some of that prep isn't helpful. Some of it, of course, is helpful. And yet we can never actually fully manage our anxiety from the unknown part of the equation because anxiety operates by thinking about the future and we can never make the future known. Interestingly enough, we can really get our anxiety under control by focusing on the second part of that equation, the underestimation of our coping ability. When we project, oh, my kid's going to be such a disaster and they're low blood sugar and my one year old's gonna be screaming on the whole flight. It'll be the worst flight that ever existed for a one year old. What we're actually doing is we're forgetting this key thing. I'm capable. I have been through hard things before. I will get through this hard thing again. I don't know exactly what I'm gonna do on the plane. I don't know exactly what I'm gonna do at a restaurant when my kid is melting down because they don't have butter or pasta. What I do know is I'm capable of. It won't be forever, and we will get through it. So if there's one mantra I want you to focus on going in to your trip to Greece it's actually something like this. There will be challenging moments and I am capable. What we're doing is we're validating what's hard. Of course that's important to validate. And we're adding on this important message to ourselves. I am capable. What does this mean for the travel? Yeah, we should anticipate some struggling with your one year old. They probably won't sleep great. There'll probably be some times of crying. But if you can tell yourself there will be challenging moments and I am capable. We'll do some prep with the toys and the peelable stickers and snacks, snacks galore. We'll also do some prep of activating the capable sturdy leader who's inside of us so that part of us can come out when our kid has a hard time. Same thing with food. One of the things I've noticed when families are struggling with a kid who has a lot of kind of particularities around the foods they do and do not eat is our anxiety about it almost perpetuates the problem. My kid's such a picky eater, they won't eat that. Oh, we can't go to that restaurant. And what our kid learns is no one really thinks I'm capable, not really necessarily capable of eating a variety of foods, just capable of getting through the day. And then they kind of start to form their identity around that picky eating kind of nature. So what I'd remind yourself there is to tell your kid there's going to be different foods in Greece. How cool. You know, different foods can feel kind of tricky to me at first because they're new. Well, me and you, we'll figure it out together. That's very different than you're going to have to try new foods. Okay. Because then if you don't, you'll be hungry. And if you're hungry, you're going to be cranky. And if you're cranky, you won't be able to walk around the city like we're planning to do. That actually projects kind of a lack of capability. So let's kind of summarize. It's awesome you're going to Greece. Give yourself credit for doing that. So amazing. And focus on validating that there will be hard moments and really reminding yourself I am capable because I know you are. Okay, so let's move from plane to car. I know with my kids, car rides that are even just eight minutes sometimes turn into full blown disasters. And this was definitely true when they're younger. You're driving, your kids are arguing Maybe there's pinching. There's, you know, verbal nasty words being thrown back and forth. And we all want to intervene in a way that's sturdy and effective. Let's hear from Mike. Hi, Dr. Becky. It's Mike from Melbourne, Australia. Can you please help us to make our road trips a little more enjoyable? More specifically, trying to reduce the fighting in the backseat, or at least how we deal with that. We find it hard to remain calm being the pilot, not the turbulence in such a small space while we're in the car. When I grew up, my dad would just slam on the brakes for effect, pull over, and smack my brother and sister and I. That's not our style. I would love to hear your recommendations on how we can effectively deal with this situation with a sturdy leadership approach. Hi, Mike. First of all, I'm really sorry that happened to you. Moments like that where you were a kid, that must have felt really scary. And I also want to really commend you and just notice your cycle breaking, your bravery, your language here. I want to be a sturdy leader. I want to remain the pilot, not the turbulence, that kind of good inside language. You're speaking right to my soul and to my heart. And it says so much about you that you're doing this work for the benefit of you and obviously for your kids. So that's pretty amazing. How the heck can we be a sturdy leader when our kids are screaming in the backseat? You know, I'm often asked, what do I do in these really, really challenging moments, like when our kids are fighting and we're driving on the highway? I have a few ideas, but honestly, where I think I can help families have more bang for their buck is a slightly different question. What can I do outside of the moments in the car? So we just have fewer of those difficult moments in the car, right? Like, parents often say, what do I do when all this stuff's happening? Like, what is the Dr. Becky magic? I'm like, I don't know. You just kind of get through that moment the best you can. There's no great thing to do in a super chaotic situation except try contain it and survive it without making it much worse. Where we can have so much impact is a different question. What can I do when my kids are calm, when we're not driving somewhere so they can practice some of the skills they would need to activate in a higher stress, real life, driving on the highway situation? I don't know about you, Mike, but I like that question more. I feel much more capable even hearing myself ask that question. So let's go with that first. Practice and drive runs are huge for car rides. What does that mean? Well, I would say to my kids, hey, you know what I've realized? Driving can be kind of tricky. It's one of those situations where I'm driving. I can't do that much. The two of you are really close proximity. I know it's hard to kind of get along and stay in your own space while you're in that situation. And at the same time, I'm not really able to help you because I'm driving. Here's what I'm thinking. Just like anything else in life, when there's a hard situation in our family, we know that we can practice things in advance, because practicing skills when you don't need them is the only way we'll be able to use those skills when we do need them. So we're gonna do something kind of ridiculous today. We're gonna get in the car in the driveway, and we're not gonna go anywhere. And we're gonna have a few situations that we practice. And the two of you are just such awesome problem solvers. And I know if we work through it together, we're gonn some things. Now, I'm a realist. My kids are not going to say, oh, mom, that's such a beautiful idea. Can we do that now? No. They're going to roll their eyes. They're going to say, oh, are you serious? It's so ridiculous. You're so annoying. And then I'd say to them from a sturdy leader perspective, we're going to do this, sweetie. I. I would even say, we're going to do this before we do these other things that maybe my kids want to do, because my number one job is to keep you safe and safety really has been a little bit of a question when we're on car rides. And I take that job very seriously, and I appreciate you doing this with me. Let's go to the car. Right? So I'd kind of firm up in that moment. Then I would say kind of. I would try to simulate one of the situations that actually happens. Maybe it all starts when your kid, I don't know, kind of taps, you know, her knee on her brother's knee, and, oh, stop touching me. And it goes off from there. Maybe something starts, because, you know, one of them makes fun of the other person. So I'd actually have my kids in the backseat, and I'd say, let's do this thing. I want you to actually move your knee and Touch your brother's knee. Because I know that's one of the ways it starts. Okay, let's say that happens. And I'd say, if that was the case to my son, first of all, what can you say to yourself to stay calm? And the reason I'm doing this in the car is it's almost encoding this kind of location based memory. They're practicing the skill where they're going to need to use it. Maybe the mantra would be, oh, that was annoying. And I can deal with it. Right? And I would actually have my son practice saying that out loud. Then maybe practice saying something instead of using their body, Please move your knee away from me. Right? Maybe I'd also practice my daughter, hey, what are you looking for when you kind of bang your knee? And if your kids like my kid, they'll say, oh, I don't mean to. It's such an accident. Okay, what are you looking for when those accidents try to happen? Are you looking for attention? Are you looking to play a game? Oh, what game could you ask your brother to play, right? And go from there? Practice and dry runs are hugely, hugely helpful. We would never expect a basketball player to make more shots in a game if they're not practicing those shots in practice. Same thing. Next thing, I would suggest the fill up game before rides. Sometimes our kids are antsing the backseat. They feel disconnected from us, right? We're not there, we're not paying attention to them. And so much of kind of sibling rivalry comes because kids feel disconnected from us, their secure adult. The Philip game is really a way of hugging your kids and quote, filling them up with mommy, filling them up with daddy, right? So it speaks to so much of their core needs. And hug them, hug them. You can say, you know, how filled up are you right now? It's really a way of doing kind of super connection before a car ride. The other thing I just suggest is saying, hey, there are times in a car ride when we all need to wiggle our bodies. And instead of wiggling into each other, I wonder if you could say, I need a wiggle break. And that's a good sign that I do need to pull over in the next two minutes and we get out, we kind of do some jumping jacks, we move around, right? Maybe you let them hug you something. They're looking for contact and then we get back in the car. I hope those suggestions are ones that feel doable and manageable. And while I don't think they'll make car rides perfect, I do think they'll Start to make them safer. And, Mike, I just want to say one more time, you're clearly working so hard. You're an awesome dad, and I'd love an update. All right. I want to move on to one other dynamic I hear a lot about when it comes to travel. The judgment it feels like you're getting from all the other people around you as you're traveling. Maybe your kids are having a hard time. And I know that when we feel judged in public, and it can make us, as parents spiral and we start to do things that we actually don't even want to do and we wouldn't do in private, almost trying to prove ourselves to strangers we don't even know. So let's hear from Heather, who gives voice to this concern. So my question is, how do you handle people around you when traveling who think that children shouldn't be allowed to exist as children or the whole human being worthy of respect that they are? On a recent flight, my daughter was given dirty looks by the people around us because something on one of her shows made her laugh. There seems to be this attitude that thinks that children don't deserve to travel or be in other spaces that aren't specifically designed for children, like restaurants, planes, theaters, concerts, coffee shops, and more. So I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on how to handle that situation. Heather, this is a question that speaks right to my heart, because I think figuring out how to parent in public when our kids either laugh, which is pretty minor, or actually do have a legitimately hard time, is such a key part of being a sturdy leader. So I want to share two ideas for you. Number one is a visual barrier. So let's say you're on the plane, right? And you have some people around you. Your daughter laughs, and they're giving you looks. And we'll get to this in my second point. I actually think it's important to say we don't know exactly what someone's thinking. Maybe they look like they're giving us a dirty look, but we actually don't know what's going on in their mind. And the truth is, the more we can have kind of a visual barrier between other people's looks and our bodies, the better decisions we're going to make. What does that mean? Well, we imagine someone's thinking, oh, your daughter is so rude. And then we kind of take that into our body and it upsets us. Why are they saying that about my daughter? Why are they thinking, oh, is my daughter rude? Should I reprimand her in a Harsher way? No. Okay. Actually, no. She's just being a kid. But now I'm angry at this stranger who maybe was actually staring at someone else in the first place. When I think about a visual barrier, I actually picture myself in kind of a bubble where I see someone else's dirty look coming toward me. It's not like I'm not aware of my environment, but there is this kind of glass or plastic, so it actually doesn't come in. That might seem like a kind of silly strategy, but I promise you, I've worked with so many adults in private practice for so long now. It's one of the key ways we can actually bring to life this idea of a boundary. Other people's looks, other people's thoughts actually don't have to kind of penetrate into my body. I don't have to be so porous. Okay. One other strategy here. Given we never know exactly what someone is thinking, I always think that if we're going to make up the thoughts of other people, we might as well make them work for us. So I remember when I was in a grocery store years ago and one of my kids had a major tantrum. Why? Because they wanted something. And I said, no. Okay. There were so many people around me and I imagined them all looking at me and thinking and saying, becky, you do your thing. Becky, you're an awesome mom. Your kid's tantrum in a grocery store does not define you. Does not define your child. No worries at all. We've all been there. Parenting is hard. You do your thing. We are behind you. And my sturdiness in that moment, like, just catapulted. I was like, oh, I felt like the sturdiest leader. Yes, we had to leave the grocery store. Yes, I had to carry out my child screaming and kicking. But I actually look back at that moment. I remember that day as a win. I was like, I was awesome in that moment because I feel like I had this community of parents cheering me on now. Were they thinking that? I have no idea. It doesn't even matter to me. But I don't want to give real estate in my body to made up thoughts about me and my kid that don't even work for me. If I'm gonna do that, might as well make them productive. So the next. Next time you travel and you see people giving you looks, you know what I want you to think? Oh, I wish when I was a kid I was allowed to express my emotions in that way. If they're giving your child a look, that's what they're thinking. If you think they're judging your parent, they're actually thinking, oh, I remember when I had a kid that age, that was so hard, that parent is going through so much and is doing such a good job, that parent has my full compassion again. Am I deluded to think that people think this way? I might be. But here's the thing, Heather. I know what you care about is the way you show up to your child. That's what really matters the most. And I think this strategy can be really, really powerful. All right, let's bring this all together. I do want to start by validating that traveling with kids is hard. And it's hard for a number of reasons. Our kids get very used to routines. Kids love to know what to expect. They love familiari and I think a lot of us adults, not all of us, but a lot of us do too. And so when kids are thrown out of their routine, when all of a sudden they're eating different foods for breakfast, they're sleeping in a different bed, they have different visual surroundings, things just don't feel the way they normally feel. It's easy for them to have a quick tantrum or to be arguing with a sibling because kind of they're saying, I feel out of whack. Things don't feel the same way they usually do. Expecting travel to have bumps is hugely helpful because I know one of the hardest things about travel for me with my kids is I've generally spent a good amount of time and money and energy on it. And so to some degree, I expect my kids to be perfect or just to say thank you for a lot of things that they probably don't even want to do. And when I remind myself, becky, I decided to take this trip, it's not really for my kids benefit. It's because I think it's good long term or I want to do it. But my kids are actually just going to be the same way they always are. My kid who whines is going to whine. My kid who has tantrums is going to have tantrums. My two kids who often argue with each other are going to have arguments with each other. It actually helps me show up in a much sturdier way. And then those moments actually don't last as long because I'm not prolonging them with my own frustration. I want to remind each and every one of you that you are capable. You are, as Mike said, a sturdy leader. And the sturdiest pilots don't avoid turbulence all the time. They don't land their plane and say, I feel even better because I did not hit any amount of turbulence. I actually think the sturdiest pilots feel sturdier after they watch themselves get through turbulence. Wow, look at what I did. I could even handle that. And remember that as you travel and definitely hit turbulence and bumps, that's not a sign that you're not a sturdy pilot. That's actually a sign that you're further building your sturdiness. Your travel with kids probably looks similar to my travel with kids. Stressful moments, frustration, and also moments of joy and fun and core memory making. You've got this. Ooh, One last thing I want to add. When it comes to traveling with kids, one of my favorite guides to making it easier is, not surprisingly, the Good Inside Guide to Traveling with Kids. What I did when I wrote this guide is I just thought, what are the five major things that really matter to make vacations with kids a little bit easier? And how can I take those things and turn them into extremely actionable strategies and scripts you can use right away? That's what the guide is and I want each and every one of you to have it. So whether you're in membership or not, you can get that guide by simply going to the link in the show notes. Between the tips in this episode and that guide by your side, I have a feeling your next trip is going to feel a little bit more like a vacation. Thanks to Airbnb. Remember, your home could be worth more than you think. Find out more@airbnb.com Host thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast or you could write me@podcastoodinside.com parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world and you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's game changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by putting placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle. And even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.