When Only One Parent Will Do

Rejection is something we get a lot of practice in, from the other kids on the playground to soccer team tryouts, to the college we so desperately wanted to go to. But rejection as a parent from your own child, that's something we're often not ready for.

I think at least I can imagine as they grow up, you're not always that one. You know, they're going to want their older sibling or they're going to want a teacher or they're going to want their boyfriend to be that source of comfort. But I think when they're very young and it's going to be a parent, it does just feel embarrassing when it's not you.

Rejection from your kid cuts deep. Maybe they insist that only your partner is the one who knows how to tuck them in at night or that you always cut their vegetables the wrong way. So how do you cope when your kid is upset because they absolutely do not want you. I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. We'll be right back.

I was gonna say, you know, don't make me feel like a terrible mum by the end of it, but.

Oh, that's what I. To do that, though. So we might have to end this conversation.

I listened to it enough to know that's a.

A spiraling worry, you know, but that's actually, I think, the perfect place to start. And maybe we're kind of getting to the ending before I let you tell your whole story. So we'll. We'll do this a weird way. We're going to get to the ending, then I'm going to come back and ask you for details, then we'll. Right. But so many times when something is hard with our kids, like our interpretation or maybe our fear is I'm a bad parent or I'm not managing this well and that's why this thing is happening. So hearing you say to me, like, oh, just please just don't make me feel like I messed it all up or like I'm a bad parent. I think it's also probably insightful for whatever's going on with your kids in terms of our tendency to interpret hard moments through the lens of does this mean I'm a bad parent or does this mean I'm doing it all wrong? Does that kind of parallel process make sense?

Yeah, very, very much so. I did not think I would be in this position as a parent of having. So I'll give. Should I give you the quick summary? Is that helpful?

Yeah, tell, you know, now we'll actually start in the beginning instead of the middle to end. So tell me your name, tell me what's on your mind, tell me where you're zooming in from, and then we'll jump in.

Okay, cool. My name's Kusum. I'm calling from San Francisco. I have a couple of kids who are 5 and 2. Ani, the girl is 5 and Kian is 2 and had a question about kid preferences and them very much preferring their dad to the mom.

So give me an example. Tell me, like, the image in your mind or a situation or this kind of parental preference. And I want to say, because I think it's real, where it can feel to a mom like the preference for a dad feels like extra injurious or just feels like a different version of parental preference than when mom is preferred all the time. I think there's a lot of expectations and sociological dynamics there. So that's what's on your mind. Your kids kind of calling out for dad?

Yeah. You know, unfortunately, it happens. It happens a lot. One could just be going to school. Like yesterday morning, Kian, my son first didn't want to go to school and then insisted that his dad takes him. Or he said, I want Daddy. I want Daddy to take me to school. And it can happen a lot at book time before bed. I think it hurts the most when one of them is sad. You do think that's your job. Like, okay, what makes him or why? Why is he more nurturing and better at taking care of you when something's wrong than I am?

So tell me just right now, like, what. What's coming up for you?

I think, honestly, it makes me sad. It makes me think I'm not doing my job as a mum the way I could or the way I should. And for some reason, whether it's his temperament or just the way he is, they look at him as more protective and nurturing and caring and just sort of the go to when they're having a tough time. And it's tricky because it shouldn't be about you in those moments. Like it should very much be about giving them what they need. And I try to remember that, but it's still tricky.

It's hard to remember anything when something feels like a dagger to your heart, you know? So the first thing, I don't know why, but I do feel compelled to say to you, and I mean, this is, I like you so much. I just want to say that right away. And I appreciate you being so honest and brave and vulnerable. And I can tell in a second how thoughtful you Are and how much, you know, you care about your kids. So second, what you're describing, both in terms of your kids asking for their dad in these moments and your reaction, I just want to tell you, is, like, completely normal. You are not alone. These are moments that a lot of parents don't, like, speak about, because I think for a mom, there's something about it. It feels, like, embarrassing.

Yeah, definitely. It happened in front of my parents once, and I was so embarrassed.

So let's get to that moment. So your parents are visiting, and one of your kids is like, no, I want daddy to do bath, or what was it?

Yeah. So we were actually in Dubai. We were visiting them, and so, you know, jet lag and whatnot. And Kian needed. He gets really cranky when he's tired, and he was super cranky. And I tried making him feel better and put him to bed, and it was just, like, very explicit, unequivocal. I want my dad to the degree that my mom was like, you really want Sathya? Like, let him have his dad.

Yeah. And so let's get back there. And I want you to translate what your son's saying. I want dad. What does it feels like he's saying to you? And don't worry. You're gonna have a thought. You're gonna be like, wait, this sounds crazy. I know. He's not saying that. I know. But forget those thoughts. Just, like, let's go there. What does it feel like he's saying to you? Or what does it feel like the world is saying to you in that moment?

He's saying, dad does a better job taking care of me than you do.

And I'm pausing on that just because that's. I mean, this is so important and so powerful. And I think this. It's so generalizable. When we get get triggered into this spiral in a moment with our kid, that question is always useful. Like, what does it feel like my kid's saying? I know my kid's having a tantrum in public. It feels like they're saying, you didn't do a good job raising me. Or the world is saying that. Or my kid's saying, I want dad. And it feels like they're saying, dad does a better job taking care of me. Or maybe even dad does a better job taking care of me when I'm vulnerable and upset than you do.

To that very question in my head is like, is that true? And so I think, well, he packed their stuff for a plane trip. That should have been my job. I'm Very high energy, which can be good. But he's very soothing and patient, and so it's very much analyzing. Is that true? And even if it is, like, again, as you said, I think it feels worse because you really do think that should be you.

I should always be the one who can provide the best comfort to my kids when they're in need of comfort. Not quite. Let's go then. Rephrase it. For me, I like being wrong.

So I think at least I can imagine as they grow up, you're not always that one. You know, they're going to want their older sibling or they're going to want a teacher, or they're going to want their boyfriend to be that source of comfort. But I think when they're very young and it's going to be a parent, it does just feel embarrassing when it's not you.

Feels like it's an indictment on your maternal instinct, on your motherliness.

Yeah, I just. I wonder personally, like, he's a very selfless individual and I think it makes me feel more selfish and less competent that he is the go to.

And then what happens next? There's this dynamic where our kids act in a certain way. They say something, we kind of translate it immediately to mean something much grander.

Right.

Or it's like a barometer of our parenting. Or it's this indictment on our parenting. And then what happens in the moment is we respond in the moment based on our translation, to try to, like, prove something to ourself, which usually gets in our way of showing up to the other person based on what actually is going on for them. Because we're kind of like playing out two different plays on the same stage. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah.

Tell me about when do you feel connected to your kids?

Like reading to them, playing with them? I think last night we were in Anya's bed. Cian was sitting next to me. Anya was between my legs. They wanted to sing the whole book. It was great. I think, like, you just feel some relief. Like, okay, it's not as black and white. Like there are times maybe you're not perfect, but at least they don't not want you.

And I wanna. I'm gonna ask us to think it's interesting just about not as much about them wanting you or not as just what we were saying before. Like, this was a time I felt really connected with my kids.

Yeah, that felt great. I was present, they were there, and that was it.

And then the moments when there's the, like, I want Daddy. I want Daddy. No, Mommy. Like, I feel. I feel less connected with them in those moments, and feeling less connected with them in those moments then starts to spiral. It's like, oh, am I ever connected with them? Oh, do they ever want to come for me to, you know, for comfort? Oh, am I doing something wrong? Do I need to be a different type of person of parent? One? You know, like, part of me would love to tell you. Like, we're gonna talk about things today, and then next time your kid does that, like, it's gonna feel totally differently, and you're not gonna be bothered by it. And then three weeks later, actually, your kids are gonna start saying, I want mommy.

That would be great. That'd be perfect. Thank you.

Yeah.

But I don't.

I don't have that playbook, so I'm just gonna just tell you that. So you're on the wrong podcast. Wow. But what I do think is a really powerful starting point is to start with, this doesn't feel good to me right now. I feel rejected. And start to be able to watch how I feel rejected or this doesn't feel good to me right now, or I don't feel connected to my kid in this moment. Start to watch how that kind of beginning seems to then almost spiral into these really grand, kind of in totality, you know, kind of truths about the type of parent you are. And to try to just, like, separate that and almost start to watch it, like, okay, wait, what am I supposed to say to myself, right? I feel rejected right now. I feel rejected right now. And one of the things, actually, in our brief conversation that I've noticed is when you talk about your feelings, you tend to use the word you and not I. I don't know if you know that you feel this way or, you know, you. Which. And as we're talking about feelings in your body, there's. It's almost like this outside your body. Ness. Right. So I'm gonna ask you. Actually, let's just do a little exercise. Now say, I feel rejected by my kid.

I feel rejected by my kid.

This is a bad feeling inside my body.

This is a bad feeling inside my body.

I don't feel so connected to my kid right now.

I don't feel very connected to my kid right now.

Tell me what. What's that like?

I think I preferred using you because it did feel more external. It does feel. It feels like the ultimate rejection.

It feels like the ultimate rejection. So let's do a little exercise where. When today, do you think your son will reject you?

He'll come home after his swim lesson, and he'll run to my husband.

Great. Okay. You can picture it.

Yeah, picture it.

And almost, like, really try. I know this seems almost like, how would I do this to myself? But picture it to the point that you're like, oh, I now actually feel upset. Like you actually want to generate a little bit of a response, because that's how we can start to change how we actually intervene or what happens in the moment by almost, like, preloading a different way of responding. So when the moment actually happens, we, like, a little bit, got ahead of things and already started that circuit. So you're seeing that.

Yeah.

And I want you to just say to yourself, whichever one feels most natural, what we just said, either, I feel rejected right now, or this feels hard for me. Even simpler.

Yeah, I feel rejected right now.

I feel rejected right now. Like, that's a. That's a really hard feeling.

Yeah.

Okay. And I want you to do this with your hands. Put your hands out right like me.

Okay.

And look at one of your hands. And I really want you to look at that hand and be like, in this moment, I feel rejected.

In this moment, I feel rejected.

Okay. Now I want you to look at your other hand and be like. And that doesn't mean anything about the type of parent I am.

And that doesn't mean anything about the type of parent I am.

You don't have to believe it yet. We're just practicing things. Because actually, one of the reasons I want you to practice using the word I is because as long as a feeling you have doesn't kind of live as an experience in your own body, it's really hard to tolerate the feeling. So then one of the things a feeling can do is just. It makes up, like, a really big story because we're not tolerating, like, yeah, I feel rejected. That sucks. Like, that sucks. Like, nobody likes being like, oh, I'm here for my kid after swim. And they're like, daddy. And you're like, am I invisible? Like, that sucks. Nobody likes that. But actually, step one, it sounds so silly, but it's also obvious. Step one to managing that feeling and stopping the feeling from converting into, like, a really big story about the type of human being you are is actually like, owning, this is a feeling I am having. Not one has not you have. This is a feeling I am having in my body. It's living in my body. Maybe I don't know where. It doesn't matter. I have to be hard on myself about that. But this is a Feeling I'm having. It's a feeling. It's not a truth. It's not a story. It is a feeling. And the more comfortable we get naming feelings as our own, the irony is the less they have to turn themselves into really big stories to try to get the attention they're looking for. I feel like your rejection sad feelings is just like, can you just, like, can you just notice me? I swear I'll stop creating this whole spiral if you just, like, say, hi. You're right, this does suck. Does that make any sense?

No, it does make sense. This is where I usually get stuck is like, okay, I recognize it.

Yep.

Still feel shitty.

Great.

Not helping yet.

Love it. It doesn't help if we think the goal is to get back to baseline or to get to happy or to get to satisfied and okay with something. I think it's like this really weird message we've all gotten through the years. Like, I don't know why that would be the goal. I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but I think about someone I used to see a long time ago who came to me after saying, like, I really need to stop using all the different types of drugs I use. And whenever something feels bad, like, there's some, you know, drug I use to, like, numb it out. And I was like, I just want to be clear with you. If you think therapy is going to help you the way heroin helped you, like, I just want to tell you, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Not only won't things work as quickly, like coping and talking to yourself and taking deep breaths does not do it to your body what heroin does to your body. And not only does it not do that as quickly, you'll never get back to zero. That's not what life is. That's not what living is. So I just want to be clear. He's like, I'm paying money to learn how to cope with feelings so I can still have the feelings. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

You are.

So my favorite coping mechanism. Okay. And I know it's still gonna be a little bit of like, okay, Dr. Becky. And then what, like, fancy coping mechanism doesn't do for me, you know? So is something I call avp, and I want to go over it. Acknowledge, validate, permit. And then there's a little bit of an asterisk after where? After that, you say the same line to yourself, and it'll all make sense after I go through it. I can cope with this. A is acknowledge. V is validate. P is permit. A is acknowledge. Is just naming what's happening for you, and that doesn't have to be fancy. A lot of people think naming a feeling is like, is this anger? Is this shame? Like, those words actually don't mean anything. It could be I'm noticing I'm having a racing heart. Or it just could be, I notice I don't like this feeling. I notice I'm uncomfortable. I'm acknowledging I feel rejected. So your son rejects you after swim, and you're like, I'm gonna do this, like, stupid thing Dr. Becky told me to do, even though, again, it's, like, not gonna work. But fine, I'll try it one time. And you're gonna say to yourself, what version of that. Do an A for me. How would you acknowledge what's happening in your own language?

Yeah, my heart is racing. My palms are getting sweaty. I hate that Kian wants my husband.

Great. Great. A plus student crushed it. Okay, now is the V. V is validate to me. The best way to operationalize validating a feeling is telling yourself the story of why the feeling makes sense. Sense. And that phrase makes sense. Like, I swear, there's something about it that our body just loves hearing. So an example might be, well, my kid did want my partner instead of me, and I know that is a vulnerability for me, and nobody likes that feeling. So it makes sense that my heart would be racing and my palms would be sweaty. It makes sense to feel this way. Give me your version of that.

Okay. It makes sense that I feel sad.

Perfect. It makes sense. I feel sad. It makes sense. I'm worked up. It makes sense I'm distressed. Any of that makes sense. So we've acknowledged it, We've named something. And for anyone listening who's like, I don't like naming my feelings. It really could just be I'm uncomfortable or I am upset, and I don't know why that's still naming it and then makes sense. Could be, well, there's a lot of different things going in my life. I do a lot, so. So it makes sense that I'm upset, even if I don't know why. Like, just tell yourself the story of why it makes sense. Then is the pee permit. And it really is almost the same line every time, even though now and I want you to. To push back. This is where people are like, ugh. Like, what does that do? Okay, it's just saying, I give myself permission to feel this way, or I give myself permission to feel exactly how I feel.

I give myself permission to feel sad right now.

Great. So I'm just gonna go over that again. Oh, my heart is racing. My palms are sweaty as my son runs to their dad once again. Well, I know feeling rejected is like a pretty bad feeling, so it makes sense I'd be feeling that way. I give myself permission to be feeling sad right now. Do you remember the last line I said?

The I give myself permission.

Yep. And then I want you to add, and I can cope with this.

Okay. And I can cope with this.

And going through this exercise, what you're really doing inside your body is instead of allowing a feeling to run away with itself as soon as you name it, this is actually really powerful. As soon as you name a feeling in your body, you are in a relationship with that feeling. There's you and there's the feeling. There's two things when you don't name a feeling and a feeling gets bigger. It's like a toddler who doesn't get over attention. They literally take over your whole body. They really, really do. It get louder and louder and louder and then you actually can't differentiate you from the feeling. The feeling like my image is like, they took over the CEO seat in the boardroom and now they're like the CEO of your body. So naming it actually gives you separation and makes it a part of you and not all of you. Tell me where you are.

Okay, so I was thinking about what you said and I agree with you, but I think I'm not sure if this is rational or not. I still have this thought to some degree overrides it where I'm just like, yeah, but what if I'm not doing enough? Like, honestly, I think if somebody said my shitty sister, I'd have all of that and I'd be like, ah, I'm actually kind of a good sister. So I don't. I think I could get myself out of it.

Here's what I love about the question. Here's what's useful. Number one, I would just tell yourself, being in a shame, embarrassment, self critical spiral is never the place I could make any productive decisions from. Like, never. Like, that's not a place we make productive decisions from. So that's first we have to talk to ourselves. We recognize our feelings. Like, that's not a place that has some truth to be. Like, and so I need to change every way that I parent. Like, you gotta get grounded first a little bit. But then there's a part of your question I want to shift because I think it's so powerful, but it's different. Right. I want to hear the difference between, see, like, I'm not doing enough as a parent and I don't do anything and I'm the worst. Right versus okay. I'm allowed to feel sad in this moment. I feel rejected. Even saying in this moment, it feels like a referendum on my parenting. I'm trying to separate the two. How I am as a parent from how I'm feeling. Okay. Okay. And when we notice ourselves a little more grounded, I think we can then ask ourselves a very powerful question. Do I want to show up differently to my kids? Do I want more of those connected moments? Is the only way a connected moment counts for me? When my kid is upset and screaming for a parent, do I have to wait for those to feel better? Is there any more that I can generate not to prove to myself I'm a good parent, but actually just because I want to do more, Do I want to put my phone away more? Do I want to do more reading? Because that actually just feels really good with my kid. But that length of questioning, I think, is totally different than what I actually think is a very unproductive, just spiraling, tornado form of questioning, which is, see, am I a horrible parent? Do I actually need to do more? Like, I don't even think it's a question. I think we're just saying to ourselves, I'm a bad person in the form of asking ourselves a question.

That's very fair. That second question or that first question about do I want to show up differently? You always want to be doing better, though. Like, how do you answer that question?

Well, I'm going to turn it back on. You. Remember, we're turning your yous into I's. That's a big. That's a project. Maybe give yourself a little, like, clue and how, like, don't be so grand. Start small. Do I want to show up differently today?

I think that's it. I think it's the quick wins, right? Like, I can start getting the kids ready for school five minutes earlier, so I'm not a shitty mom when it comes to getting them into the car. Like, that feels like an easy one.

So I'm gonna change that for you because it's interesting how your moments. It's interesting you get so global. I don't know if you noticed that too. I want to start getting them ready earlier so I'm not such a shitty mom. Like, the moment of the five minutes has something to do with the type of parent you are. I'm just going to give you A different reframe. I would like to show up as a calmer, kind of less rushed, more present version of myself. And one of the things I know is if I get ready 10 minutes earlier, that would be easier for me to do and I would just feel better about the way I show up that day. So more days this week, I'm gonna set my alarm earlier. And I know that would just help me live more in line with my own values. And that's gonna be something I feel like I end up feeling proud of. Oh, my kids will probably benefit too, but I will just feel better about that. Do you hear the difference? I'm gonna show up 10 minutes earlier, so I'm not a shitty parent. And that's something I would tell your kids. I would say, you know what I'm thinking about? Sometimes in the morning I'm a little rushed and I don't know if this is true. I'm gonna speak as if this is my own. I'd say, you know what? And then like, I'm rushed. And then maybe I'm on my phone, I'm checking an email. I don't really. And you know what? I realized I need to give myself more time because I want to show up in a calmer, sturdier way for both of us. And so tomorrow is going to be different. I'm going to even keep my phone in my bathroom. I'm not even going to bring it out. Nothing's that important at 7 in the morning. I can't wait till 7:30. And I'm really looking forward to it. I think you're going to notice a difference. Honestly, I'm just telling you, I think I'm going to notice a difference. I think I'm going to be pretty proud of myself. And that's going to start tomorrow. And whenever we do things as parents that are wins for us and help us show up in a way that's actually more in line with the way we wanna show up. Yes, our kids benefit not because we became a better parent, but because we actually just accessed and brought out like the sturdier version of ourselves.

That's good. I like that.

You know, before we met, when I was thinking about this conversation, I had all these notes of like, I'm talking about this and this. I talked about none of them. None of them. Which is always what happens. And I actually think for anyone else listening to this, I think so often when we have these triggered moments with our kids, in which case I would say a moment with them brings up a really global, big story about the type of person we are. That's usually a sign.

Whoa.

Something else is going on, right? We often think, what should I do? What should I do in that moment? What do I do? What do I do? Well, the moment is about the story, not about our kids behavior. So actually reflecting on like what we need, what that story is, how we translate things, what might be going on for us, what coping skills we need, I promise is so much more important and is going to be so much more effective than trying to memorize the thing to say to your kid, which won't come to you because you're going to be triggered and overwhelmed anyway. But I feel like we did a lot of that. And I also am just very practical. So I just want to also share two things that I would have in your kind of back pocket in these, like, I don't want you, I want daddy moments right to me when I've been there too, I either go straight empathy or I kind of go straight humor. And empathy is just like, you really wish it was daddy right now or you really want daddy right now. Kind of imagine that like I'm a character in that moment, that they're not really like insulting my motherhood and I'm just reflecting back what they want. It happens to be daddy. But like I put myself a little outside so it doesn't seem like an assault on me. And I imagine them being like, I really want chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla ice cream. And I'd be like, oh, you really wish you had chocolate? Like it just like it wouldn't be such a personal relationship assault. So I just go straight empathy. Now again, I think you practicing this kind of avp, acknowledge, validate permit that is necessary for you to even be in the grounded spot to be able to use a strategy with your kids. So that's the order of operations. But straight empathy matters. Cause also when you say to your kid, you really wish it was daddy right? Now you're actually saying to them, I see you. And you're also saying like, I'm not scared of that. Like I'm not avoiding that. And that feels really good to a kid. And the other thing I can do is straight humor, right? This is great for like, I don't want you to do bath. Daddy has to do bath. And I'd pick up my kid or something. I'd be like, it's true. I don't even know where a bath is because this is the bath, right? And I like went to the toilet and I'm just gonna put you in there. And what is it? It's like you put soap and then you flush, flush and then soap flush. That's like. And like inevitably your kid laughs and laughter always brings on connection. It like changes the story or it's true. I don't even know how to read. Like I'm gonna read you a book. It is, it's just funny. And again, it's like I'm not scared of it. It's playful, not dismissive. I'm not making fun of my kid. I'm actually just entering into play around the rejection or empathizing with my child's underlying desire. Those two are my personal go tos. But I think those two things will only be useful after kind of thinking a little bit more about some of the other stuff we talked about.

I like it.

Did I make you feel like a bad parent?

I feel like shit. No, I feel good. That was great. Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes.

All right. So nice to talk with you. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast. You could also write me@podcastoodinside.com parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world and parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhey, Julia Natt and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Ashley Valenzuela and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.