You Can't Change the Hard But You Can Change the Alone

I think one of the themes of 2022 that's kind of crystallized for me is that we can never really change the hard, but we can always change the alone.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside.

As we look towards conversations you want to have in 2023, there are some things that we didn't quite finish in 2022.

So I was sitting talking with my podcast producer Jesse about kind of the topics that are still open ended in my mind or uncovered. I haven't said as much about them as I would like to. And I was about to jump into these topics with her and she stopped me and just said, wait, let's have this conversation and allow your listeners to hear, you know, what's going on for you and also a little bit what's coming up next year.

So I'd love to start with some of the responses that we got from an episode a couple of weeks ago, which the episode was about what happens when you're parenting a kid who is nothing like you. And we got the flip side of that. What happens when your kid is so much like you that it's triggering and that I don't know how to help myself. How can I help my kid?

Yeah, I got a lot of these responses too, right. I got a lot of DMs saying, actually what's hardest for me is when I see something in my kid that I struggled with so much as a kid and if I'm honest with myself, I actually really still struggle with as an adult. So I see my kid, they're such a perfectionist. I watch them write words. They're only six years old, of course they don't know how to spell, but they write and they erase. They write and they erase and they cannot even get the sentence out for homework because they something spelled incorrectly, but they can't move on. And it pains me because I actually don't really know how to help. I know the outcome I want, but I also struggle with doing something that's good enough and moving on. And Dr. Becky, I'd really like you to talk more about that.

Do you think that it's better to help the parent with the issue so that the parent can help the kid or can you help the child so. So then the parent sees the behavior change?

Yeah, no, it's a great question. And I think that's what really actually is differentiating about good inside, like let's do it all at once. You definitely can't help a child with something that you have not figured out. Some way of coping with yourself. That is true. And I don't think that means, hey, parent, go do two years of therapy, figure that out. And then you can go back to your kids homework, even though they're now eight and not six, and you can finally help them. To me, that would feel just like really, really inefficient. Connecting with your kid around the struggle in a really honest way is a really great starting point both for, in some ways, your inner child and for your actual child. Right. I think sometimes the thing that gets in the way of that was we get so obsessed with the outcome. My kid just has to write this sentence that we miss the important steps in the process that would actually lead to the outcome. Right? And then actually we hold ourselves back. Come on, just write it, just write it, just write it. And you know, that wouldn't have helped me. That doesn't help me now. But I just don't know what to do. Cause I'm frustrated. So I think when we instead connect to our kid and say something like, ugh, seeing something that you know is wrong and not knowing how to make it right, that is so hard for me too. It's like I just get like, stuck. And then I can see my body almost, I don't know, with my hands, as if I'm holding poles, like putting them into the ground. It's like I'm stuck right here. Like, I know I wanna go there, but I don't know how to get there. And so I'm stuck. Stuck. Me and you can both get stuck, stuck sometimes, right? I think sometimes interventions like that, like, parents tell me this, they're like, there's something about saying that to my kid. Like, I feel it deep in my body. It's like I am speaking at once to the inner child in me who never felt understood in that perfectionism. And I'm giving something different to my child. Like, I am healing myself and cycle breaking at the same time. And for the parent, understandably, who's like, okay, that sounds lovely, but like, how's that gonna get my kid to like, actually write the words they need to write? I think one of the themes of 2022 that's kind of crystallized for me is that we can never really change the hard, but we can always change the alone. When something's hard, we often look to change the hard. We want to make the writing easier. Instead of saying, okay, wait, if I can't change the hard, but I can change the alone, then let me just help my kid feel less alone. In their perfectionism, or let me help my own alone feeling feel less alone in my body by talking to it. And whenever we change the alone, I feel like just something releases. It's like we don't have tunnel vision anymore, and we actually just get a little bit unstuck because we feel like the support of another voice, of another presence right next to us, which always helps us move forward.

I wonder what you think of this word control when it comes to parenting. I feel like being in control is something that, as a parent, you want to be, but yet, you know, being out of control is the flip side of that. Is what you never wanna be.

It's much more common, though. The out of control, yes.

But, like, is that even the right framework? And should we let go of that word, control? Yeah.

I feel like this is why you and I, Jesse, get along so well. Cause sometimes when we talk, we're like, wait. Instead of trying to, like, get further down the path we're on, it's like, is this the path I wanna be on? In control, out of control. There is, like, I just always go to, like, my gut reaction first. I do have a little bit of the heebie jeeb. Like, ooh, I don't know. And I'm like, am I in control? As a parent? I guess the word that comes to mind without the heebie jeebies for me, or it's a different path is like, the path of groundedness or sturdiness. And honestly, I think about the word connection a lot there. Like, am I a sturdy leader? Like, I have a lot of relief in my body even thinking about that question versus, like, am I in control of myself and my kids? I just don't like the word control. Anyone who knows me well is probably laughing right now, being like, but you do struggle with control, you know, And I do. So I don't want anyone to think that I don't struggle with, like, being controlling. I definitely do in all my relationships, something I'm working on. But sturdiness, to me is the ability to be connected to yourself and connected to someone else at the same time. You don't lose access to your own wants and needs. And yet also, you haven't lost access to noticing what's happening for someone else. It's like, I'm not totally shut down, and I'm not completely porous without boundaries. And I guess that kind of dichotomy or that characteristic, like, how sturdy do I feel? How sturdy do I feel when my kid is not doing their homework? How sturdy do I feel when my kids won't leave the house. How sturdy do I feel when my kid's saying, I hate you? How sturdy do I feel when my kid's having a tantrum in the grocery store? I think that's like, one of the most empowering things to shift to as a parent, because also then you bring in some ways, your locus of control back to yourself. Well, what do I need to be sturdier? And then that's gonna help me, and that's gonna help my kids.

One of the big buzzwords, I think, for the last two years has been this idea of reevaluating our relationships.

Right?

Covid allowed us to rethink who we let in and why, and that really affected our friendships. And I can't help but wonder how that's affected our kids and their relationships. And what is our responsibility as parents to help foster friendships in our kids?

So, good question. So I guess just what I'm noticing to that question is another question in my mind rising. I don't know if it's a different question or just a compliment. So the question that's coming up for me always, I think, is, what's going on with my kids? What do they need? And what do I need to give them what they need? I feel like almost always that is the superior question to a lot of the questions we naturally ask. Especially the question, is this normal? Like, is it normal that my kids don't have, like, close friendships? Well, I guess it's normal because they kind of went to Covid or. Well, no, it's not normal because other kids who did are having friends. And either way, I feel like either we end up completely anxious or completely non reflective because they're like, it's normal. It's like, well, I don't have to think about anything. It's not normal. Okay, now I'm a failure and my kid's a failure. Like, I don't think either of those dates are too helpful. But I feel like the question, what's going on for my kid? What does my kid need? What do I need to give my kid? What they need is just like a really practical, action oriented question. So let's say, well, what's going on with my kid? Well, I notice my kid doesn't ever want to have play dates. I notice my kid doesn't like to be in big groups. Okay, what else do I notice? And this could be different. Even if that is the same for two kids. I notice my kid seems pretty happy to come home and, like, read and they are telling me I don't want to do classes and, like, I'm pretty content. I notice I seem more anxious about this than my kid. What do I need to give my kid what they need? I actually might just need, like, my own anxiety coping skills, but I might notice something different. It might be the same thing on the surface. And what I notice is my kid seems really pained around this. Like, they want a play date, they have someone over. It doesn't go well. They ask about kids, but they're never invited to play dates. They are upset that they're not at the slumber party. Okay, well, that's a totally different scenario. What do I need to give my.

Kid what they need?

Well, my kid is actually looking to enter groups, is actually looking to make friendships. So what I would need to empower them is actually very different. Right. Based on what I'm noticing. So I think a couple broad things here around friendships. I think sometimes we lead with our kind of friendship style when looking at our kids. Friendship styles. So if you're someone who's really social, you like to go out most nights, you like to talk to friends all day, and you have a kid who kind of wants to come home after school is like a little bit sensory overload during the day and just wants to read or decompress or putz around. That could be triggering where if your kid is perfectly in line with the way you do things, it might seem like all is fine just because it's the same thing. So I think that's the first step to ask yourself that. Then probably for all kids, right. And separate this from a specific outcome or trying to control an outcome. I think it's just important for all kids to kind of talk here and there about the impact of these years that, you know, we now seem to be coming out of. Like, hey, you know what I'm thinking about? There were, like, two years of your life. And for some kids, you might be like, I know this is kind of nuts. This is, like 50% of your life. This is a third of your life. That's like if you had a pizza. And, like, that was like, half the pizza. Half of the pizza slices, you know, were spent just, like, with us. And every time I was like, I might want to see a friend. No, no, no, no, no. Danger, danger. No home. And now it's like, oh, we can do that. That's tricky. That's a big change, huh? That means being in kindergarten. If it was any other time, you probably would have had a couple years of like play dates and group birthday parties. And now you're in kindergarten and none of that was happening. No wonder things feel so new. Going back to this other theme, Jesse, I'm not taking away the hard of making friends post Covid. I'm taking away the alone of the feelings of trickiness. And I think when we take away the alone of anything, we feel stronger, we feel more confident, and we just feel more confident to take, I don't know, to take on new things, to try experiments in the time that feels right for us. Right. So I'm not saying that to try to make my kid go to a birthday party, but I'm saying that so if there's a part of them that's cute, curious, they just might feel a little braver on their own timeline.

Before our time is up, I want to ask you about Mom Reach. That was an episode that just skyrocketed in the inbox. I'm sure you saw it too. It was really resonated with people feeling it. I personally resonated with that. You gave me vocabulary to name the feeling that I have inside. And I know that's a conversation we want to keep having in 2023. So I would love for you to talk a little bit about where you think it should go and what angles we should really think about as we begin to explore this.

Yeah, I mean, that episode was so popular and really, really hit people deep. It's honestly one of our most popular workshops too, because so many people are like, o, this was like, the surface. Like, I want to like, actually work on this, not only for my kids sake. I think what really struck me with people reaching out about the episode and then the workshop was like, for me, I just want to be less reactive. Like, it really feels bad for me. And I think taking that a step further to say, nothing's wrong with me. Like, I just, I deserve to have different resources and skills.

So.

And I know this is a theme, but, like, so I can act more in alignment with my own values. Not acting in alignment with your values has a really, really harsh cost on our bodies. Like, we walk around knowing who we want to be and unable to show up that way. And that feels awful. Whenever parents tell me, like, it takes time to listen to an episode or it takes time to watch a workshop. I'm always like, you know how much time it takes to feel like a shitty parent? You know how much time it takes when you're spiraling about messing up your kids? You know how much time it takes when you're lying awake at night feeling awful. That takes so much time. Again, I think it's, how do I want to spend my time? Cause also, when we don't spend our time thinking about it and reframing that rage and focusing instead of on the moment of rage, like, where did that pathway begin? Where did it begin? We always get obsessed with the ending. Then I yelled at my kids. I'm a horrible person. I mess at my kids forever. If anyone saw me like this, they, you know, wouldn't even talk to me. They think I'm the worst parent in the world. Like, we focus on that moment, and, yes, we need skills for those exact moments. But, like, if at the end of the road is always a cliff and we keep falling off the cliff, I don't know anyone who'd be like, you know, we just need, like, really strong breaks at the end. I think people would be like, well, how do you know you're on the road that gets to the cliff? Like, let's just get on that road less often. Or, what if you could find exits before the cliff? Like, I don't think anyone would think that the only solution is just to wait till you're there and, like, slam on the brakes, right? And so what I'm excited about in next year is, like, zooming out from that moment of rage. Like, how did we get there? What are the sociological dynamics that push, especially women there? What are the relational dynamics and partnerships that feel invisible in the beginning? But I promise you, each moment that it's like, okay, I'll do bath time. Each moment that it's like, okay, I'll take care of this. Each moment, okay. I guess my partner's upset about. They have had a long week, and they work outside the home, so I guess they need to sleep in on the weekends. Like, you know, like, f that you work inside the home 24 7. Every time you say, no big deal, I'll get up every Saturday and Sunday, you are really driving at 100 miles an hour toward that cliff, and then you're hoping to press the brakes to not fall off. It's just not fair to ourselves. It is not fair to ourselves. And then what we do after we fall off the cliff is like we are at the bottom of a valley berating ourselves. Like, oh, why did I do that? I'm so horrible, right? Like, adding insult to injury. I think one of my favorite things really is just to start by giving parents, like, a different set of glasses, you know, like, yes, okay, you fell off the cliff. That happened. But the reason it's such a problem is that the set of glasses you're using to look at that situation only make it more likely for that to happen over and over. That's just ineffective. And it's really harsh to ourselves. And when we have a new set of glasses. Oh, I never looked at doing favors for everyone else in that way. Huh. I guess I didn't realize that doing bath time every night contributes to yelling at my kids at bedtime. Huh. I guess I've never really thought about how hard it is for me to ask directly for something I need. We think we ask directly a lot. You know, do you think you have time to do this? That's not asking. I wonder why my partner didn't think to unload the dishwasher. I mean, people spend so many hours wondering why people don't do things instead of spending one second telling someone that you want them to do it. It's just amazing. And all the hours spent wondering are an accelerator to the cliff, right? It's really interesting. Oh my gosh.

Yes. Yes.

You know, when I open the dishwasher and see one more time that it like I have to unload it. When we've talked about you doing it, I feel at the verge of a cliff. And I'm not saying that's entirely your fault, actually. I think it's just my responsibility to say it more directly. You know, I really need you to think of a system so you remember to unload the dishwasher. Like that is really a responsibility you said you would take on. And I no longer want to see it and then do it. And then we get in a big fight and then I feel awful and nobody wins. Right? Like, okay, like again, communicating directly. The reason I think we have so much trouble with that is most of us women and certainly men and you know, different people, but definitely girls early on are taught that their greatest value is like being in service of others and making things easy. And we don't have to totally get rid of that. It's lovely to do things for people you love. It really is. But the more we do things for people we love, our kids, our partners, our friends. When it really comes from a place of like the deep seated fear of ever doing anything for yourself, that always ends in falling off the cliff. Rage every, every time. Cause our bodies in that moment are screaming out. Sometimes I feel like rage is like a different part of us. It's the non caregiving part. The part that wants things for herself. It's like she's just finally pushed to that point, and she's like, well, nothing else has allowed me to get this woman's attention. And I need some airtime. So maybe if I just scream and take over her body, like, maybe finally she'll be like, oh, something's going on, I guess on this podcast. And so many other areas, too. Like, I'm so excited in 2023 to give parents moms a different narrative, a different story around these events that happen in almost every family home. So we can finally, like, break free from a pattern that, like, really doesn't work for anyone.

Last question. You can give us a little bit of a homework assignment. What's a conversation that you want to have in 2023 that you haven't had yet?

Thinking about that, I think in 2023, I'd love to go deeper on some topics. I'd love to talk more about attachment and internal family systems and parts and the way that our past really lives on in our present. So attachment, internal family systems, reparenting. I feel like the type of therapy I've always done in my private practice has gotten, like, a really bad spin in the media. Right, the media, frankly. It's all about cognitive behavioral therapy. It's like, oh, we can all solve our problems in these short sessions. And our past, you know, it doesn't matter that much. Focus on the present, get some skills, change the way you think, that'll change the way you feel, that'll change the way you act, and then you're good to go. And, like, I a little bit call, like, skepticism on that. That would be my, like, really, like those years when we were learning about how the world worked, those years when we were learning about who we had to be to stay safe, those don't matter. And not from the perspective of, I should lay on a couch and talk about how much my mom messed me up. I don't think that's useful either. But from the perspective of, in all of our triggered moments, in all of the moments, and it happens a million times as a par where I watch myself turn into a version that I didn't want to be. In all of those moments, our past is playing out in the present. The very problem is that there's no separation of the past and the present. And if you want to start separating the past and the present so you can actually make decisions about the type of person and parent and leader you want to be in the present, well, you have to be able to disentangle what was then from what is now. And so looking at Our past in that way, understanding our circuitry, understanding the things that used to be adaptive and no longer are, but understandably and thankfully are hesitant to let themselves go. I think is just. It's critical in parenting. It's why I love talking about parenting so much. It's because with our kids, so much gets triggered from when we were a kid. And so there's this balance of, wow, I can actually really work on myself and give something to my kid at the same time. Right? We can't implement a strategy that is too distant from our own circuitry. It just. We can learn it in our head. It won't activate in our body, and our body wins every time. And so I'm looking forward to conversations in 2023 that really allow us to understand ourselves in a deep way, while simultaneously give us strategies and scripts and kind of practical actions to implement, you know, new patterns to make change right away in our home. I want to do that, Jesse. Let's do that next year.

Let's do it. All right, so same time next year.

Same time next year. And I don't know if this is allowed, but, you know, for everyone here listening, you all allow me to do what I love best. I love thinking about people, and I love thinking about people and systems, and my favorite system to look at is the family system. By talking about these things, by talking with you, Jesse, by talking to callers, by talking to kind of other thought leaders, I always think new thoughts. Like, I think that's really important for everyone listening to know, like, I don't come into a podcast ever, was being like, here's what I want to share. Here's the wisdom I want to impart. Actually, it's the process of talking to someone and creating something new that allows me to think all types of new things. And that, honestly, is so exciting and so fun and so rewarding for me. And if people weren't here listening, you know, I wouldn't be able to have this conversations. So you all, like, you all allow me to do what I truly love to do, what truly lights me up inside. And I am deeply, deeply grateful for every one of you who've made good inside a habit, who tune in, who subscribe, who download, and who allow me to both keep having amazingly interesting conversations and who allow me to keep learning myself. So thank you so much.

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast. You could also write me@podcastoodinside.com parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsome at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhee, Julia Natt, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Ashley Valenzuela, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.