The Last Will and Testament

6 Oct 2022 · 1 min

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In this comedic monologue, speaker A performs a fictional reading of the last will and testament of Woodward T. Floyd. The will absurdly bequeaths assets to a series of family members and acquaintances, each described with vulgar, sarcastic, and insulting language. Floyd claims to be of sound mind while disparaging his adopted son, niece, daughter, young wife, Pakistani caretakers, and finally his lawyer, to whom he leaves the remainder of his estate. The piece uses coarse humor and exaggerated insults to satirize inheritance tropes, family dysfunction, and the legal formalities of wills.

Chapters

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we've gathered here today for the reading of the last will and testament of a great man, Woodward T. Floyd. I, Woodward T. Floyd, being of sound mind, hereby bequeath my estate to my worthless adopted son. I'm adopted? I leave my yacht. My yacht is located under my bed and requires 4 double D batteries. Motherfucker. To my niece, who always asks that she be mentioned in my will, I'd like to say hello. To my insufferable daughter, I leave the keys to my safety deposit box containing money and jewels, key to which I have left under a rock somewhere in Texas, to my young wife, who has had more affairs than an Eskimo has had fish suppers. I leave my house to the large family of Pakistanis who take care of my estate. All the rest and residue of my estate shall be left to the man who has helped me more than any other man, my lawyer. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.