100th Video!! How To Get Your Guy To Go Down On You

No, I can't start a video like that. Are you a woman with a male partner who just refuses to go down on you? So we've been hearing about this a lot from our Instagram audience lately, and.

We'Re not happy about it.

We are not. No. There are a lot of women out there who are really wanting their partner to go down on them and just really struggling with, like, why isn't he doing it? So does he realize he's not doing it? There's a lot of different dynamics that are getting stirred up. So before we go any further, we first of all just want to acknowledge that this is going to be a heteronormative video. We try to be as inclusive as possible in all of our videos. But we wanted to talk about this specific dynamic between men and women that we've been hearing about a lot lately. So if your partner isn't going down on you, it can bring up a lot of discomfort for you. This kind of, like. Like I was just mentioning a minute ago, like, why isn't he going down on you? I think there's a stereotype that, like, a lot of guys hate or sex or they think it's kind of weird or icky. You might be feeling nervous, pushing for it. And we'll talk about this in a minute. But I think a lot of women, you know, we've been led to believe that our genitals are weird and they're icky and they smell bad and they taste bad and they're gross. So for a lot of women, we don't even want to, like, really push for our partners to do it. We might even feel uncomfortable with it in the first place because we've been taught to be so ashamed of this part of our body. And oral sex obviously means that he's, like, all up in there, right? And I think, just in general, female pleasure is pretty stigmatized, so we don't tend to see a lot of people, like, really emphasizing the things that are going to bring women pleasure. So today, we are going to be sharing our top tips for helping your partner overcome any objections that he may or may not have to oral sex and encouraging him to go downtown.

But before we do that, we just want to say, if you're brand new to our channel, then hello. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa's a sex fan therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.

And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you are already interested in that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Also, did you know that this is our 100th video?

Wow, that's amazing.

We have some real old ones from way back in the day. So it hasn't been a hundred of us together, but this is our hundredth video.

That's pretty cool.

I think.

So thanks for being a part of it.

All right, so let's talk about oral sex. So the first thing we want to say is that we firmly believe that everybody gets to have their own boundaries around their sex life. It's your body. You get to decide what you feel comfortable and not comfortable doing with it. That being said, it can get into kind of tricky territory around whether or not your partner has, like, an actual boundary around oral sex. So your partner may have had traumatic experience with it. They may have had a negative experience with it. There may be some other reason why they don't feel comfortable having oral sex as a part of their sex life, and that's perfectly okay and valid. But if it's just this sense of like, I don't really want to do that, that's where it gets a little bit trickier. So they're going to have to be, you know, some tough conversations for some couples. But ultimately, we think that, you know, for the vast majority of partners, it is something that, like, should be included in your sex life. So we just want to normalize. Like, this is a perfectly okay and valid request to have of your part.

All right, so the first tip that we have is, if you are making a request for oral sex, make sure that you've made your request very clear. So a lot of times women think that they have made a direct request, but in reality, they may have been a little bit vague or just not clear enough for their partner to really understand that it was a very clear request.

And, yeah, we're not, like, blaming women here and saying this is your fault. But I think especially with something so as sensitive as oral sex, where, again, we've been socialized to be so embarrassed of it and we shouldn't really push for it or ask for it. I think it's really easy for the requests that we've made that might feel really clear to us to not actually be that clear to your partner could also be completely on your partner that you actually have been very clear, but for some reason, your partner's just not hearing it.

Oh, yeah. But, like, you know, if it's something that you're, you know, ashamed of or a little bit nervous about, Oftentimes it's easy to make a request in a kind of joking way and it's hard for your partner to tell, are you serious? Is this sort of just like a bad joke or, you know, it could have been in a more nonverbal way. So that's what we're saying. You know, the first thing that's very important is if you're going to make a request, let's make sure that it's super clear. So tell us below, have you ever struggled to ask for oral or ask clearly for oral from your partner? So leave us a yes or a no in the comments down below. Let us know what that's like for you.

Another tip we want to talk about is like making a time specific request. So I think this comes up with requests that we make inside and outside of the bedroom is we tell our partner that we want something, really nail down a time. And so your partner might even be on board with it and like, yeah, sure. And then they just literally forget. I mean this has definitely happened plenty of times with us where I'll ask you to take out the trash or you know, wash the dishes or something like that. It's really easy for us to forget.

So yeah, not know like how long, how often, how much.

Yeah. So with oral sex in particular, like you can say to your partner, I want you to go down on me tonight or I want you to go down on me the next time that we have sex, something like that. So it's of kind more clear versus just this general like I want you to go down on me at some point in time.

And the other reason why you want to make your request super, super clear is that many guys have been rejected in the past when they did try to initiate oral sex. And so they may feel discouraged from initiating again or trying again or from doing it very frequently. And it might have been you in the past that kind of rejected them or turned them down. This happens very often early on in relationship and your partner may have internalized that and just been operating from this perspective of oh, you know, like she, she told me once not to do that or she kind of pushed my head away when I tried to do that. And so that must therefore be something she doesn't want, so I'm not going to do it. Or this may have been a message they received from previous partners that they've had. It could have been they had a couple partners that all were not into it and then the conclusion they drew from that is, oh, women must not be very into this. So that's just another reason why very clear requests are so important, because you have no idea what your partner has internalized or assumed from you or from past partners.

Yeah. I can't tell you how many clients I've worked with where the woman felt like she was being super clear and the guy just really thought that that was something that she didn't want. So it's definitely worth trying to clarify as part of your clear request, you can also think about, like, how you want to respond.

Oral.

So oral sex isn't just, like, one standard thing. It could be like, I want to have oral sex to orgasm. I want to have oral sex just for, like, 30 seconds before we move on to something else.

Or in, like, the middle of sex.

Yeah. I want to have, like, a night that's just about me and my pleasure or thinking about, like, frequency. Like, you might want oral every single time, or you might want oral like once a month or something like that. So the idea here is just get clear on what it is that you really want and what you want to do be asking for.

All right? So if you get a no or you get some resistance from your partner, the next important step is to ask them why. And the idea here is that you just want to better understand his story, his rationale, his past experience, so that, you know, ideally, you can have some empathy or understanding from. For where he is coming from as well. So we want to make sure that we do make this kind of request. Ask this question in a gentle way, not in an accusatory way, like, okay, justify yourself.

Yeah.

You know, it's about just wanting to understand our partner's feelings. So just wondering, like, hey, like, what is that like for you? You know, if you don't mind my asking, like, what's behind you saying no or behind you being unsure right now. And, you know, another thing to just keep in mind is that very often, especially growing up, guys can be made fun of for enjoying oral sex. I know amongst my friends in college, there was kind of a running Jo joke about one or two of the guys in my friend group because they went down on women a lot and they got made fun of for that. And that's something that I just kind of remembered recently. And I'm like, man, I feel really bad that that's something that we did. I didn't really know any better than. And I regret that.

All right, our next tip is to help him get more confident about his techniques. So this can be one of the objections, like, if he's feeling really insecure about, like, I don't really know how to do it. I don't feel like I'm very good at it. I haven't been successful at it in the past. Like, that might be why he's avoiding it now. I think it's also important to point out a lot of men hate asking for help. I know that's like a stereotype. But there's also a lot of truth to it, too. So one option that could be really fun is that we have foreplay guides for sale on our website@vmtherapy.com we'll also pop the link in the description box below, and we really go through, like, step by step, exactly what to do to pleasure your partner with your hands and your mouth. They're called foreplay guides, because that's what we all call it. But in reality, like, these can be the main event, too.

But it can be fun oral sex, guys.

Yeah, it can be fun to buy these together, because then it's like, hey, we're both going to learn new things. We're both going to try new things on each other, rather than making him feel like, you need this, buddy, go figure it out.

Yeah. Another thing that you can try, at least early on, is kind of using 69ing as a segue. So that way, you know, you get to both focus on each other at the same time. You know, one of the common complaints that people have about 69ing is that it is a bit distracting. And it can be challenging to really properly focus on the person you are giving oral sex to. But if you're feeling nervous about it, it can be a great way to kind of lower the stakes a bit and be like, yeah, you know, it's okay if we're both a little distracted here and, you know, we can spend some time on each other while also receiving some pleasure. Yeah.

And finally make sure to compliment him on his technique. So whenever we talk about sexual feedback, we always encourage you to focus more on, like, asking for more of the good stuff rather than telling someone to stop doing the bad stuff. So that can just really help, like, boost his confidence and make him feel better about doing it. All right, so that wraps up our video on how to get your guy to go down on you.

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And if you want to check out those foreplay guides that we mentioned, we'll pop the link to them in the description box below. Definitely recommend checking them out. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.